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i'm in the mood to write something i just thought of this 3 in the morning.

suho from exo is enlisting today, not that it bothers u but i just can't believe that i'd reach this point.

they're all growing old. i'm growing old.

isn't that shit scary?

i don't want to grow old, i'm not ready to be an adult yet. my childhood memories seem like they were yesterday.

i hope time wont pass by too fast, at some aspects in my life.

anyway, this is just a random thought. and yes again, it's not uplifting. hngg. i hope my next one will be.

until the next,

cai

ps. i hope they'll be no more nightmares tonight, ever.

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this is for me 🤧

No negativity, please.

Via @weheartit

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it's been three days since i last posted, diba?

i was not supposed to post anything yet because i'm hoping my next post would be something uplifiting but i'm having nightmares for consecutive nights and it's making me anxious.

you kinda appeared briefly on each part that's why i'm a bit worried.

you're doing okay right? please stay safe. i still think about you in between everything i'm doing. but hey, i'm doing my best to take care of myself as well.

you're still in here.

cai

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i had lot of realizations by the time things between us got rocky.

i'll try my best not to chat you or meddle with your life, nakakairita na siguro ako ngayon.

i kept fitting myself into your life and di mo na siguro alam paano sabihin nang maayos na ayaw mo na (muna, sana).

i decided to keep this blog not just for u but for myself as well. i wont write daily now but i'll still do.

i'm not forcing you to read my blog. i decided to share it in the first place to let you know you're not alone. but i guess it's not working, that's alright though. it's probably something out of my hands.

i'll be out on social media but my facebook will still remain since i need to be in contact with my family.

always take care of yourself, okay? know that i'm always thinking about you.

right now, the weather is usually dark during this time in our place. even so, keep hydrating yourself.

this might be my last entry for a while. idk when will be the next.

i guess it's best to fix myself first, so if the universe allows us to meet, i'm a better version of myself.

sorry for always being overreacting. i only think about myself when we were together that i forget about how you might feel.

memento vivere. te amo.

until the next,

cai

ps. please dont block me, okay?

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“memento vivere”

— remember to live

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Day 25

i wasnt able to write last night

even so i'd like to greet you and your mother a happy mother's day!(also your tita pala)

i would like to thank her for giving birth to such a young brave man.

to the man i love and will always love.

stay well.

your friend,

cai

ps. no i did not delete this blog. i dont think i can. my accounts are different to my method to prevent myself from overthinking. also please stop blocking me, i'm doing my best not to annoy you so please.

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something I've recently learned: if outright positive thoughts are too difficult for you, you can try something called "bridge thoughts" which are essentially thoughts that aren't really inherently negative or positive. things like "maybe im not as embarrassing as i think I am", "maybe im not as ugly as i think" or "maybe someone could possibly find me likeable". if you try to go from "everything is terrible and i want to die" to "i love life and i want to live!" cold turkey a lot of times its just ineffective. you need to take those small steps towards changing your mindset first, and then eventually you can say "i love life and i want to live!" and actually mean it.

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for those who wanna argue... you’re never too old to make a change 💕

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https://my.w.tt/JugEQNN9j6

di ito bold ha. wala lang skl gawa ko way back 2018 when i had shits

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Day 24

putangina ang init

kinukuha na ata ako ni satanas

sana okay ka lang

stay well and hydrated

kasi na putangina ng lahat

your friend,

cai

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Day 23

i changed the username because i felt that you're uncomfortable with the first one.

though idk if you'll be able to find it.

i still think of u a lot.

i hope the universe is good to you today.

i wish you all happiness, always.

your friend,

cai

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coldplay // the scientist

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Day 22

hey. i'm just really glad you're okay. i know it's hard for it pero despite it all, you chose to be here and thank you for that.

i should change the tumblr name right? but idk yet what's the best name i should give it.

i am holding it all up todaay by watching "the half of it" and excessive sleeping.

and i quote from the film by ellie chu:

"gravity is matter's response to loneliness."

stay safe and well.

your friend,

cai

ps. this song sent me chills

https://youtu.be/mjZQTyybW38

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✨Daily Affirmation✨

“I am a strong individual who attracts success, prosperity and happiness.”