mememerls

[mememerls]

woke up from a dream where tedd was in it. in my dream, i was working when tedd came into our office. i pretended like i didn't care but he sent me a message, saying that we needed a closure. after that, tedd came out of nowhere, pulled a chair and sat near my table. i stood up, sat on his lap, and gave him a hug. we both apologized to each other, and the hug that we shared felt like a push for me to continue living.

sadly, i woke up :( and i'm back to facing reality that i'll only be able to talk to him in my dreams.

[mememerls]

there's just something inherently holy about a girl vibing alone in her room

[mememerls]

May the last four months of 2023 be the change you’ve been waiting for

[mememerls]

[mememerls]

I turned 28 four days ago. It probably was the best birthday that I've had. I celebrated it with my teammates turned friends, longtime friends, and with my parents as well. I thought to myself, hey, it's okay if Kirck didn't seem to remember or greet me on my birthday. I was fine. Or so I thought.

Tonight, August 7, I learned that Kirck's with someone. And he's online on Facebook, knowing that their place has no stable mobile signal nor an internet connection. I asked if he's in the city, and if he's with another girl. He both answered yes to my questions. God knows how much it hurt me, to hear that one single word. I felt my chest tightened, like I'm struggling to find air. I tried to release my emotions by crying but no tears were coming out. I was having a hard time in breathing. All I could think was, I prayed to God for Him to guide and take care of you, not look for someone else to do it instead.

Now, I've tried to call and send him messages but to no avail. I did not receive any responses. He left me on seen. I want him back. I really do. All this time, I really thought that I was finally okay but I'm not. This was nothing but a facade. I've been masking my emotions for weeks now, afraid of breaking down, and passing on to people the burden to comfort me. I don't want that because I know people are already tired of hearing my sob stories. They must be thinking how, all this time, I'm still hung up on him. If you'll ask me, I honestly don't know.

I'm tired of crying, to be honest. I just want all of this to end. I'm tired of carrying this sadness in my life everyday.

I just want him back.

[mememerls]

i'd like to think that all the sadness that i am feeling right now was properly caused by me. no matter how my friends tell me that i wasn't the bad guy, i still consider myself as one. he was not the one entirely to blame for the downfall. to be honest, i have so many what ifs. what if we never lived in together in the first place? what if i extended my patience towards him? what if i never lost the time to still send him updates from time to time? you see, these thoughts kept me from blaming him because he actually succeeded in convincing me that i was really at fault. his words dug a grave so deep in my mind i couldn't climb myself out.

i hate how i'm left with all these emotions and knowledge that i know of him. what do i do with these? where do i put it now?

[mememerls]

As 2022 is about to end, I wanted to look back and reflect on all the bad things that happened this year.

1. I lost the chance to be promoted in my job and got fired as well.

2. I filed a leave of absence from law school because I could not financially support my studies.

3. My 4 year relationship has ended.

Of course, life does not end there. There were also a few good moments that I get to enjoy.

1. I got a new job through Jas' referral.

2. I was able to travel to Palawan through the generosity of my friends and attended the wedding of one of our closest friends.

3. I met new people and have forged friendships along the way.

I may be hurting emotionally because of the break up that I am going through, but I am actually excited for what's in store for me in 2023. For starters, there is a possibility that I'll transfer to a different team in my current job which could mean a potential career growth for me.

I also hope that 2023 will be the year that I'll be able to heal from all the emotional wounds I have right now.

[mememerls]

sad rant

Kirck left the Philippines for Malaysia yesterday morning. It's the second day of his absence and me ugly crying because of it. I have been trying to hold back my tears in the airport as he was walking farther away from me.

The gravity of his absence finally sunk in when I realized that he won’t be sleeping beside me anymore. I told him how I'd get teary-eyed or would bawl my eyes out because I just miss him. He told me that I have to be strong in order for him to be strong as well because I was his strength. Enough said for me to get teary-eyed again.

9 months of his physical absence that I'll be crying over once in a while. 4 years together but every time Kirck leaves me for work, it still never gets easier :(

[mememerls]

[mememerls]

[mememerls]

Silent & peaceful

[mememerls]

recess

I have decided to take a break from law school for now. Last week, I filed for a Leave of Absence (LOA) primarily because I do not have the money to continue studying for another semester. I do kinda miss the study load brought by it but I definitely do not miss the stress it accompanies. I miss my friends and classmates but it does not extend to our terror professors.

I am hoping that I’ll be able to continue my studies next year, and hopefully in another school where working students are given enough consideration by the administration.

[mememerls]

27

Honestly, I had big plans on how I'll celebrate my 27th birthday. I initially planned on going on an overnight beach trip with Kirck, and treat my family to a dinner afterwards. It never materialized.

I lost my job during the first week of May and my life went spiraling downwards. I was glad for the in between small time jobs that I've had which enabled me to pay the remaining balance of my laptop. However, my financial struggles remained.

I moved back to Manila last July 19 and I have been trying to make ends meet with my meager salary. I have acquired debts, and I wasn't able to pay my tuition fee for our summer term on time. Thankfully, my classmates contributed to my tuition which still enabled me to pay at the very last minute.

I am actually hopeful that I'll be able to pay the rest of my debts before the year ends. I am grateful for all the people who saw my struggles but never left me and still gave the necessary push I needed when I was about to give up.

My 27th birthday is far from what I have originally planned. I'm sitting here with Kirck, eating a take-out ramen. I have no money left in my bank account but I'm not worried. For the first time in a few weeks, I actually feel hopeful for what's in store for me.

[mememerls]

All rights reserved by Dorsetcamera

[mememerls]

these are the only two real moods 

[mememerls]

Literally nothing more powerful than a girl in her room

[mememerls]

I AM ABSOLUTELY LOSING MY MIND AFTER READING THIS PLEASE READ IT