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melindamelissa · 7 years

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Diary Entry 1

it’s been a long time since i wrote about how im feeling so i figured i’d start now. I have a harder time writing down my feelings in a diary since it takes longer and I don’t like having to wait to see my thought process pan out.

So where to start. I feel happy, anxious, nervous, inspired, provoked, and mystical. I don’t really know where to start. I know what I want to talk about. I just don’t want to jump into it because i know there is a lot more i should be tlaking about.

Should I start with my commitment issues?

why do i think i have commitment issues?

Well, there is a lot of evidence. One, I broke up and got back together with Arash in high school, switched schools a lot, i feel nervous to start any romantic relationship but i think that stems more from my insecurities and beliefs that no one could like me which is wiley because ive had people confess to me that they liked me like A____ this summer. So I guess its just my current dilemma with Y.

why am i nervous? II am nervous because the ball is sort of in his court. But at the same time is it not because i want drunk. I know I need to just ask him about it but i dont even know what to say.

ITS TIMEEEE to ROLLPLAYYYY BOIIII

Hey so I wanted to talk to you about how you’re feeling about me, i guess.

It’s even hard for me to type with when no one else is looking at this or ever will besides myself.

Do you like me still? Did your feelings disappear long before the school year ended or did you just say that to spare your lack of reciprocated feelings for me. It still is fascinating that you had feelings for me but i also don’t know if you just said that to make me feel better. I normally never read into this like this but i suppose there is a first for everything.

I look at things very simply for what it is except for this occasion. I wonder why. I suppose its just the uncertainty. It drives me wild haha. I wish i just knew so i could get over it. I loved how direct A was about his feelings towards me because there was no miscommunication. While with Y, it left me very confused. I need clarification before it is too late. I have to ask before i leave. I feel like a wuss for thinking about him right now because for some reason i do not like giving him the power that I’im thinking about him if hes not. If he is thinking about me the way I am, I would not be thinking this way. I just don’t like it when people have the upper hand on me in a plausible romantic way.

Like for A, i didn’t feel threatened because i was in a position of power and that made me feel secure in who i was. If i liked A and he did not feel the same way, i would not have been nervous about it because he would have been direct with me. However, with Y, and I don’t like to compare but it’s what is helping me discover what im feeling, I feel like if he liked me and I didn’t like him, i would feel malicious for some reason. like “oooo he liikkkeeeesss me hmmmmm” but i feel like that is a normal reaction i would have with anyone like I did with everyone that had feelings for me. I guess it feels different because i’m making these hypothetical situations that put my mind in a different mindset than what i want/am in. I cannot view it unbiased so i cant really describe how i would actually feel but i suppose it would be the same with A. OR maybe its because i feel threatened by how funny he is and how silly he is. But thats why i like him so i should just be happy that he is funny and silly and not jealous that he is too. Everyone is different and i should not be looking at what people are good and bad at for my own personal gain. I should just accept who i am and understand that i am always growing but i should not compare myself to others when put in a socially foreign situation, if that makes sense. Like feeling as though im 3rd wheeling a group of friends when really i know im not but it does feel like that which is understandable and no ones fault.

I need to learn that even though there are a lot of nice, smart, hard working people around me, that I am also a talented and well rounded person. I need to stop shitting on myself for feeling stupid around others. I am smart. I am hard working. I am funny. I am silly. I am learning and working on being myself and not feeling like i have to put on a show for people. Start now.

When you see someone next, do not pretend to be someone you are not. Just be yourself. Breath. Relax. Enjoy the company of good people.

It will all fall into place.

Don’t worry Melissa, its August 17th, 2017. You have grown so much as a person and you shoudl be proud. You moved out, you are going to a wonderful school filled with wonderful people, you are doing improv again, you are proud to me a weeb ass gamer, you are happy to be silly, you are listening to your body, you are asserting yourself, you are keeping up with your friends and family and those you are important to you. You are the best version of youself right now and it will only get better with time. I am so happy you aren’t throwing up anymore. I am so happy for you. I am so happy for me. You are listening to yourself. You feel cute and sexy and happy to be yourself. I truly would not change who i am. I have no regrets. I would not want to switch bodies with anyone, or brains, or type of humor. I love who i am and I am happy to experience life through my own lense. My reality is this; a happy one with a lot of bumps on the road, and a couple pot holes, and a giant sink hole, but there is still a road that has a lot to go. Or maybe not. I do not know where/when my life with end but whatever happens, i will be happy to know that I have lived life to the fullest of my capability. If i died right now, I would be happy. If i died 50 years from now, i would be happy as well because time and life are meaningless so you better fucking believe im going to give everything a happy meaning. And i am not going to let anyone get in the way of that. I do not need people who are going to bring me down, make me feel guilty, or invalidate my feelings. I am valid in what i feel at every moment, but i know i should not let that affect others negatively. Treating others kindly and fairly is all i need to worry about when wondering if my feelings are valid. As long as no one is being hurt, I am free to do as i please unless it is also at the expense of my current happiness.

I love you Melissa and keep on smiling. That’s what makes you you. You are Smiley Smelly Melly and I know you won’t let that name’s aura and energy stop you from becoming the positive spirit of your reality.

so you can stop watching anime in front of people to prove something. Just do you. but HEY i wanted to watch it on my laptop and i thought maybe others would want to watch and they didnt and thats okay because everyone has their own taste. Theres some movies i would walk away from too. You are good. You finally watched it so thats good :)

Okay, ill leave this post now. Have fun! Have a good weekend! Make sure you spend time to meditate/do yoga at the beach by yourself. Also, boba wouldn’t be a bad idea >;3 also you should go watch a movie alone. that would be fun! like at the nick, bring a blanket, some snacks, etc.

what should i do tomorrow morning?

Get a baked good at a coffee shop

write a one act

meditate at the beach

yoga in your room with headphones

dance alone :)

watch an anime series

watch Before Midnight!!!

Plan VV’s birthday present

oooo i gotta figure out what i got to get her.

okay for real, gunna go.

and remember, be confident, sweet, cute, and giddy because i know that;s the real you. Don’t try to be “”cool””. .Its not your default, that is when you are on your guard. Be yourself becausethat will make you cool :)

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