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September 18, 2014
It's just been a rough week. I feel like I'm drowning. How can you tell if you're still in love?
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August 11, 2014
Today it took all of my willpower not to cry. Last week, I had a promising interview for a big girl job with a big company. I felt like things went well. I had all of the technical skills required, and each interview felt like a conversation not an interrogation. First thing this morning, I got a phone call. "Unfortunately we have decided to move forward with another applicant at this time."
Now I'm back to square one. No job, and no other prospects at the moment. The worst part is, I never expected to be here. I went to college and got an engineering degree. I had summer jobs, internships, and excellent references. I didn't go to school for some hippy-dippy, useless degree. Maybe I'm feeling entitled, but finding a job should never be this hard. It's just frustrating not to know what I did wrong, or what I can do to fix it.
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June 12, 2014
So I haven't written in a while, and believe me, a lot has happened since I last wrote that I was in love with my best friend.
I am in love with my best friend. He has a girlfriend. The amazing thing is, that girlfriend is me. And in a whirlwind of graduations, jobs, friends getting married, being in the Army, trying to figure out what to do with my life, he still loves me back. It's so amazing to me how much love one person can have. I am truly blessed to have him in my life, and I'm so glad I finally opened my eyes. Better late than never, right?
I remember starting sophomore year engineering courses. I was incredibly overwhelmed, and I barely passed. I even spent second semester sophomore year on academic probation. I felt like a failure, and I was drowning in a major I couldn't stand. Add on to that, one of my best friends moved to the other side of the world. (Seriously, she's in New Zealand.) The smart thing to do would have been to befriend someone, ANYONE in my classes. But my pride and my fear wouldn't let me.
Junior year started out a little better. I lost weight over the summer, and met a guy online dating (seriously, I'm socially awkward, so the internet made it easier, right?) and I finally figured out how to study. My life started falling into place as far as I could tell. But, the people you meet on the internet are there for a reason (aka they're BATSHIT crazy) and that relationship blew up in a big way.
Then for whatever reason, this kid started talking to me. Maybe I seemed happier, more approachable, or maybe he was just coming out of his shell the same time I was coming out of mine. At first, I didn't think much of it. He was nice, he was that curly headed kid who sat in the front row. And for whatever reason, we became attached at the hip. Seriously, we would be studying for all of our classes, get Taco Bell, and just have a good time.
Despite being completely oblivious to everything, I could tell he liked me a little, but I knew he had a girlfriend, so I didn't push it. He didn't talk to me all summer. I figured he was over it, that I was reading too much into a nice guy being nice to me.
Boy was I wrong. He's been there for me through the good, the bad, and everything in between. We've studied for every class together, gotten way too drunk, and stayed up all night talking about peanut butter and cheese. I'm not saying it's perfect, because it's not. I'm not saying I don't have my doubts, because I do. But no matter who's upset, or what's going on, I have not, in the year that I've become friends with him, gone to bed angry.
And I am still, without a doubt, in love with my best friend.
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September 21, 2013
I'm in love with my best friend. He has a girlfriend. This won't end well.
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June 8, 2013
I know I haven't posted anything in a while, but I've honestly been crazy busy. I ended finals with the best GPA I've had since freshman year, and immediately started work. I had to switch departments at work due to an injury, but now everything's all worked out, and I've even been able to start running again.
For those of you who don't know, I am in the military. On Memorial Day, my ex decided to text me in order to thank me for my service, tell me how much he respects me, and that he will always love me. That was two weeks ago, and I'm still shell-shocked. I don't even really know what to say.
Before I finished up finals, I did hang out with him one time. I went hoping for a clean slate, so that maybe the person I was initially friends with could still be in my life. Boy was I wrong. When I arrived at his house, he kissed me. Not a quick greeting kiss, but that overly dramatic kind where he cups my head with his hands and tries to put all sorts of feelings into it. That right there was sortof my first tip that I was actually over him. I just didn't feel anything. As the day continued, he kept trying to have sex with me and was disappointed when I said no. He made it very clear that he did not respect my wishes or me as a person. At that point, I handed him back the promise ring he had given me for Christmas and left without looking back.
One month later, he decides to completely rock my world, simply because he can. I fell head over heels in love with the guy. I never saw it coming. I thought we would date for a bit, it would end, and we would move on with our lives. Obviously, things did not go according to plan. I just don't understand how one person can have so much power over me, for no reason. It is over between us. Physically, I am not attracted to him, and emotionally, there's just nothing left. I just hate how he makes me regret every decision I've ever made that led up to him being in my life.
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As far as I know, this feeling isn't going away. I wish it would.
“My daddy said, that the first time you fall in love, it changes you forever and no matter how hard you try, that feeling just never goes away.”
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April 10, 2013
If my friends saw this blog, they wouldn't be proud of me for "moving on so quickly" anymore. That would make me feel even worse.
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