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things I’ve said that my students have found funny:

You’re not allowed to die in this classroom

If you yeet any of the lab equipment across the room, you will be yeeted to the principal’s office

[on how old I am]: I lost count after a few thousand years

whenever they do an online lab: this is better than fortnite isn’t it

[to a student, upon realizing they completed their practice problems all wrong]: that’s a rip in the chat

If it wasn’t for strong force holding your atoms together your matter would disintegrate away like when Thanos snapped his fingers

In the event that the sun does blow up, the good thing is light takes seven minutes to travel from the sun so you wouldn’t see the explosion coming to incinerate you

[to two students who love to get under each other’s skin]: this is your lane (I traced a circle around their desk) and that is yours (as I traced a circle around their desk) stay in them

You’d probably turn into spaghetti if you went into a black hole but it wouldn’t be the edible kind

[when checking in on groups] is everything gucci

[a student asks me if I could look something up on my computer when I’m taking attendance]: I don’t know what the internet is

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throwback to the time my classics professor asked “does anyone know who sappho is?” and i immediately replied “she’s the OG lesbian” and my professor yelled “EXACTLY” and wrote the OG lesbian on the whiteboard

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This rainbow geode is so stunning 🌈💕🌏

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Legolas pretty quickly gets in the habit of venting about his travelling companions in Elvish, so long as Gandalf & Aragorn aren’t in earshot they’ll never know right?

Then about a week into their journey like

Legolas: *in Elvish, for approximately the 20th time* ugh fucking hobbits, so annoying

Frodo: *also in Elvish, deadpan* yeah we’re the worst

Legolas:

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I don’t believe in astrology but one time when I was in college I was complaining about how dumb astrology was and after a while someone on the train went “Shut the hell up and let people have fun you Capricorn sun, Virgo moon bitch” and I was like what the fuck

Then I went home and looked it up and they were right so I don’t say anything anymore

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full offense but we will rock you by queen is 10000% a gay rights anthem and straight people dont have any rights to the song sorry :/

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in grade 12 we were reading romeo and juliet and we were at the romantic-ass balcony scene and this hot girl in the class volunteered to read juliet’s parts and i put up my hand to volunteer for another part and the teacher goes ‘oh do you want to be the nurse, amanda?’ and i was like ‘no i wanna be romeo’ and the hot girl swiveled around in her seat to give me a Look™

she and i later ended up making out at a bunch of parties in university lmfao

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this

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Art by:  オノ・タコ

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“Did you put your name into the Goblet of Fire, Harry?” Dumbledore asked calmly.

The word ‘calmly’ can hold different meanings in different circumstances. If you were to pass someone a bucket of water calmly when their house was burning down, it could suggest that you were the sort of brave individual who was always prepared to combat the sources of arson when they occur. If you were to ask a nervous bank teller to fill a sack with money while calmly pointing a gun at their head, it might mean that you were the kind of villainous person who practiced such odious and criminal activities on a regular basis. Or if, like me, you were to sit calmly typing the next chapter of your chronicle in the lives of some unfortunate young children, while all around you the kitchen of the reputable restaurant that you were hiding in was slowly filling with sand, it would indicate that you have a life that is often filled with peril and misfortune, and that you were bound by duty to complete your task, no matter how miserable.

Of course, the word ‘calmly’ is never used to indicate a person flying into a rage and shouting your words angrily. ‘Angrily’ is in fact an antonym of ‘calmly’, an antonym being a word with entirely the opposite meaning of the original, such as ‘villain’ and ‘volunteer’, ‘birthday party’ and ‘tragic fire’, or ‘author’ and ‘happy person’.

Now, obviously, a well-read and distinguished director of cinema would never mistake a word with its antonym. That would be preposterous, a word which here means ‘create an incredibly out of character scene and confuse the audience.’

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my last three braincells attempting to communicate

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THEY SHALL HAVE WARS AND PAY FOR THEIR PRESUMPTION (Shakespeare: Henry VI, Part 3)

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Matt to the comatose criminals on the ground: maybe if you stanned Jesus I wouldn’t have to beat the shit out of you

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Thor, at Loki’s funeral: Can I have a moment alone with them?

Steve: Of course *leaves*

Thor, leaning over Loki’s coffin: Now listen, I know you’re not dead.

Loki: Yeah no shit

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Concept: Some jackass shows Bucky how to make a blog and it becomes really popular. Not because it’s the blog of James Buchanan Barnes, American Legend, War Hero, Infamous Assassin, Alleged Terrorist. Nobody even knows it’s his blog. It gets really popular because people think it’s a really great shitpost generator or something. Because Bucky is just a Weird Fucking Person and everything he posts on his fucking personal blog comes off as somewhere between dril and Jaden Smith and people are like “this is some quality garbage right here” and thus Accidental Memelord Bucky is born.

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cinematic parallels

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whoever created nebula was like “okay let’s just make the dykiest bald headed blue bitch” and everyone was like “yea what a great idea”