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The Deconstruction of Me

It’s not about me.  But it is.  But it’s actually not.  But it kind of is.  But...nope, it’s not.

Have whiplash yet?  Yeah. Same.  It’s the tension I feel every single day.  As a Christian, I am constantly living in the tension of the now and the not yet, the New York culture and the Kingdom culture, the “care about me first” but “care about others first” mentality.  So am I guilty or am I covered in Grace?  Am I talented or is it all God?  Did I do it or did God do it?  I wish I had a black and white answer for you, but I don’t.  The answer is yes.  And no.  And both.  Allow me to explain.

I was struck by the above image the other day [The deconstructed DIOR display] because I saw what it looked like in all it’s fullness.  Bright lights shining on it, bright colors surrounding it, bustling crowds flocking to it.  This image here was a sad little story of the thing that it once was.  It is reminiscent of the process we all go through again and again and again in our lives.  We develop, we build, we peak, we deconstruct.  And then we do it all over again.

Before you freak out, there is a term for this.  It’s called sanctification.  I know that someone, somewhere along the way told you that, once you got saved, it was all going to be an uphill trajectory until you get to the pearly gates.  That’s true in a sense, but it’s not actually a straight line, it’s more like hills and valleys and loop-de-loops.  Let’s get theological for a sec.  When we get saved, when we go from not believing in Jesus to believing that he died, rose again and went to heaven to cover our sins, it’s called salvation.  The process of BECOMING more like Jesus and becoming who he has created us to be is called sanctification.  

And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.  Ephesians 1:13-14

What I love so much about the gospel of Jesus Christ, is that it turns earthly thinking and perspective on its head.  What actually has to happen is that in order to become who God has called us to be, we need to begin to strip away the layers of who we are now, and allow God to develop us into who we are going to be.  But this doesn’t just happen once, it happens in every new season.  SO FRUSTRATING RIGHT??  It’s like, once I feel like I finally have a handle on things, the process starts all over again.  Well, Paul experienced the same thing and he wrote about it in a letter to the Philippians, to encourage them that they were not alone in that.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3: 12-14

Some days I just want to hang on to that win, or wallow in that mistake, instead of pressing on toward what God has for me.  But God is not just going to do it as I wallow or gloat.  I have to partner with Him in order to move forward.  I have to lay my wins and losses at his feet and surrender them to him.  I have to deconstruct what I am and what I know, and allow him to rebuild and reconstruct the parts of me that He is going to use in this next season.  Did that quiet season allow me to rest and renew?  Yes.  Will it help me in this new season of building and growing my team?  Nope.    Did that season of pushing myself really hard get the job done?  Yep.  Will it be fruitful in this next season where God is asking me to listen?  Nope.  So I have to allow God to do a new thing.

What you don’t know about the DIOR sign in the image above, is that it served its purpose for this season, otherwise known as New York Fashion Week madness.  Many hours went into building it, and it was very fruitful while it was there.  It peaked.  But now it is being deconstructed to make room for the new.  What will that be?  I’m not sure, but if they don’t make room for it, nothing else can go there.  Catch me?

So this is me, willingly deconstructing.  What I thought I knew, what I have already experienced, what I thought I wanted.  I’m making room for the new thing God is doing because I don’t want to miss out due to my stubborn thinking and comfort with the old ways.  I’m inviting God to deconstruct ME, so it can be about HIM.  A dangerous request if comfort is what I’m seeking.  But “the deconstruction of me” is just a small part of the beautiful construction of God’s Kingdom on earth, and THAT is something I want to be part of.

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Find Your Tribe

We’ve all heard the catchphrases among Millennials and youth alike.  “Girl Gang.” “Find your tribe.”  “My squad.”  “Crew love.” “Framily.”  This idea that we all have people who are “our people.”  The ones we do life with, experience the highs and lows with, hit the milestones with.   I have been thinking a lot about belonging and “finding my tribe” lately.  When we belong somewhere, are we tied to a place or to the people?  Is it a geographical location or is it a group of people that define the feeling of being home? I’m going to say the thing that will probably frustrate you, but I believe it is both and neither.  

By definition, a tribe is a social division in a traditional society consisting of families or communities linked by social, economic, religious, or blood ties, with a common culture and dialect, typically having a recognized leader.  What immediately comes to mind when I hear the word tribe are people like the Zulu Tribe, the largest tribe in Africa, known for the numerous members and rich tradition.  Or the Navajo Code Talkers, the Native American Tribe that created a code using their own language (fascinating story, Google it!) to help win World War II.  In New York City, many of us have left behind our like-minded people; family, friends, and churches and found ourselves in this bustling hub of different cultures, mentalities, work ethics, belief systems and preferences.  We have left our “tribe” and come to a place where having a backbone is essential and knowing who we are is a basic survival skill.  

For me, in the three iterations of moving to New York that mark my 20′s and early 30′s, I have wrestled with what it looks like to find my tribe each time.  The first time was in 2008 when I spent a summer studying acting.  I found my thespian tribe, the people who were trying to make it in the biz but knew as little as i did.  We shared the struggles (economic and social) of many other thespians (and there is Facebook evidence to prove it since clearly Facebook can never be deleted).  The second time was when I moved here in 2009 and met some friends who also had moved to New York from Ohio (geographic) so we had many commonalities that bonded us.  Not long after, I got saved and started regularly attending my church, where I met many like-minded people with similar experiences to me (religious, social).  You could say that I had a few different tribes.  Now, on my third iteration of moving back to New York, I find myself in a bit of a different situation.  I have my friends from my many tribes, still here in this incredible city, yet, I don’t seem to really belong to any of them full stop.  This actually led me to question what true community and belonging look like.  So I decided to do some research...

Community is a major player in the Old Testament and the New Testament.  The obvious origin of community is in Genesis when God created Eve as a partner for Adam.  In Genesis 2:18, after God had created the earth and all that is in it, he felt that it was not good for Adam to be alone.

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. (Genesis 2:18)

So community is actually God’s idea.  He created a partner for Adam so that he wouldn’t be alone.  If you want to get technical about it, the Trinity (Father, Son and Holy Spirit) is actually the OG “community”, but that is a theological blog post for another time.

We continue to see community grow in the Old Testament by the establishment of the 12 tribes of Israel (there’s that word tribe again).  The establishment of the Levite priests to carry the responsibility of looking after the ark of the Lord brings a specific purpose to certain communities, giving them a very specific responsibility.  Another one of my favorite examples of community is in Ruth.  Ruth knew that her community was with Naomi, even after her husband had died.  This community led Ruth to the God of Israel, and ultimately the glorious future that God had for her as part of the lineage of Jesus.  

But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”18 When Naomi realized that Ruth was determined to go with her, she stopped urging her. (Ruth 1:16-18)

That’s some community!

What I really want to focus on is the New Testament where we see a healthy example of what true community looks like through the eyes of Jesus.  Jesus had a few kinds of community.  He had his family, his 12 disciples, and his 3 most trusted confidantes.  This is actually an excellent check to see how you are doing with your own community.

1. Family

I know that this can be a difficult area for some.  We live in a time where coming from society’s definition of a broken home is actually very common.  Let me encourage you, family does not always have to be blood relatives.  Whether you were raised in a home with loving parents who are still married, loving parents who are divorced, single parent homes, foster care or adoptive parents, or you didn’t have kind and loving blood relatives, family are the people who loved you through the tough times.  Our God is a God of reconciliation and restoration, so no matter your family situation currently, I believe that He is sovereign and desires for restoration in that area.  In the mean time, identify those who are family to you; your spouse, your housemates, your aunts and uncles or grandparents, brothers, sisters, a mentor, a best friend.  Let these people know you are grateful for them and be intentional in building that familial bond.  It could be the first step to reconciliation and restoration of your family community.

2. The 12

I don’t think that we need to take this as literally 12 people, but think about the people who you have done life with through the years and still keep in contact with.  Jesus had his 12 disciples who was able to make deposits into but they were also the people he dined with, rested with, went on mission with, traveled with, got angry with, called out, lovingly corrected.  This example teaches us that this smaller group of people, the ones we experience the ups and downs of life with, are the friends who stand the test of time.  Many times these people are our friends over many years and many miles of separation, but they are still “our people” because our walks of life have brought us together.  In Mark, Jesus sends his disciples out in pairs to do the work of the Gospel, but they were still part of the 12.

And He summoned the twelve and began to send them out in pairs, and gave them authority over the unclean spirits (Mark 6:7)

The community of 12 was separated many times, but they were bound together in common cause, which brought them back to one another time and time again.

3. The 3

Jesus also gives us examples of his closes friends, his most trusted confidantes, Peter, James, and John.  These 3 are the men who were with him in the darkest of hours, with whom he revealed his true nature and showed the most transparency.  The transfiguration is mentioned in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke and reveal just how much Jesus trusted these 3.  He revealed to them his divinity.  

After six days Jesus took with him Peter, James and John the brother of James, and led them up a high mountain by themselves. 2 There he was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and his clothes became as white as the light. (Matthew 17:1-2)

This kind of transparency not only encouraged their faith in him, but bonded them together through a common understanding.  Jesus showed his trust in them and they responded in kind.  These three were with him to the end, even though they made mistakes.  Peter turned his back on Jesus but made amends.  John was there with Jesus at the Crucifixion and was entrusted with the care of Jesus’ mother.  These three men walked through the fire with Jesus and were with him until the end. 

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Community is something that takes effort and intentionality.  We all have people in our lives who have shown us they love and care for us.  I want to encourage you today to find those people.  Know who your “12″ are and be intentional with them.  Invest time and equity into those relationships.  Yes, it will take effort.  Yes, it will cost you something.  Eventually, your closest confidantes will begin to stand out and you will find those you can truly be yourself with.  Give it the time and attention it deserves, because truthfully, we were never meant to do life alone.  If you are not sure how to begin, may I suggest your local church?  I have made some of my best friends in the local church and have never looked back.  It won’t be all sunshine and rainbows.  There will be hurt, there will be forgiveness, there will be emotions and doubts and fears.  But that is part of being human and learning to trust and forgive.  It’s worth it, because let’s face it...we were actually born for this.  Find your tribe, it’s your destiny.  

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Finish to Start, Start to Finish: The Paradox of 2018

First blog post of 2018 friends.  Thank God for accountability partners and challenging one another to post by January 31st (heyyy Amber.)  I’ve been mulling this idea over for a little while now, it’s a bit of a carry over from 2017.  For those of you who know me, you know I’m a bit of a goal-setter/achiever/dreamer/accomplisher type person.  You also probably know that I like to have a word that kicks off and inspires my year.  The word I have chosen to start this year, oddly enough, is FINISHER.  Starting with finishing...hmmmm.

I know what you’re thinking.  “The year has JUST started.  How can you already be thinking about finishing?  Don’t you want to be present?  Enjoy each moment?  Meditate on all the new beginnings and ideas and ...”  Let me stop you right there.  The answer to those questions is yes.  I do.  But hear me out.  

Last year was all kinds of crazy for me.  I was transitioning from one country to another, I was transitioning from one church to another, I was transitioning from one friend group to another.  Last year was a lot of change and transition.  Which is good.  And necessary.  But with that comes a lot of trial and error.  Starting this, stopping that, testing this out, walking down this path then backtracking.  Truthfully, as seasonal and part of life as that is, it’s exhausting.  If you are not a disciplined person (which I am not), then it actually can be detrimental. I found myself becoming frustrated and simply having way too many options.

Toward the end of last year, our global teaching Pastors, Robert and Amanda Fergusson, came through to NYC and spent a week depositing so much wisdom that I’m still unpacking it.  Inevitably, when they are in town, I tend to meet at least 5 other people who have been impacted by them in the same way.  I happened to have a conversation with one such person when talking about the 90 day Bible reading plan, which I had started but dropped about 15 days in.  I made some flippant comment about being one of those people who starts 6 different books simultaneously and rarely finishes them (very true and super annoying).  He replied very simply, “I used to be like that too, but I had a conversation with Robert last year about that.  He said to me, ‘Jesus is a finisher, why can’t you be?’”  OOF.  I may have said that out loud actually because I actually felt the weight of that hit me in the chest.  

I literally couldn’t shake that conversation, and thought about it often as 2017 came to a close.  When it was time to review 2017 and set myself up for a win in 2018, I knew that my word for the year needed to be “FINISHER”.  I knew that I needed to commit to finishing what I start this year.  If Jesus can finish what he started by dying for me on the cross, why can’t I finish a simple book?  That’ll bring some conviction, hey?  Paul states it pretty confidently and eloquently in Philippians

4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5 because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. - Philippians 1:4-6

God started a good work in me, and he is working every moment to bring it to completion.  I’m pretty sure that I can work hard to complete the things I begin as well.  It’s clearly a partnership between Jesus and myself, He puts it in my heart, and enables me to complete it, as long as I remember that it’s in HIS strength, not mine.  Again, Paul writes to the Philippians

12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. - Philippians 4:12-13

A few weeks in and I’m already learning so much about myself.  I tend to start a lot of things at once and bite off more than I can chew.  Okay, no big, I learned how to prioritize.  I also tend to beat myself up if I miss a day, also no big deal, Saturday mornings are for playing catch up.  Accountability is also key.  I’m surrounding myself with people who know my goals and are asking me the questions.  Amber and I are writing our blogs before January 31st.  I’ve committed to reading 26 books this year, so I’m messaging a friend with my big idea from each book and posting it on IG.  I’m reading the Bible in 30 days with a group of people from church and talking about it with them.  They are all lofty goals, but I’m committed to finishing them. And then setting new ones. 

So I’m starting with finishing.  But only so that I can finish in order to start again.  The paradox of life.  And I can’t wait.  

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Harvest and Hospitality

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, friends.  Autumn is here, I’ve been drinking PSLs (Pumpkin Spice Lattes for you non-Americans) for over a month, and I’ve burned through ALL of my Apple Cider Spice candles.  I’ve also been working at a restaurant for the past 8 months, so hospitality has been my life for the past little while.  I’ve been working at this restaurant as what initially was a survival job, then became a supplemental job, and now is an “I’m exhausted this job is sucking the life out of me but I hate quitting so I’m staying because I don’t want to let people down” kind of job.  It’s also been a kick to my pride as someone in her 30s working as a hostess (honestly I could be doing so many other things).  But despite all of that, I have learned quite about about harvest and hospitality from working at a restaurant.

You see, I’ve been in a season of waiting.  Waiting for the right job, the right man, the right time to start something, the right friends, the right opportunity.  Waiting for that moment when everything just falls into place and the angels sing a chorus of all perfect harmonies in a Major chord and the light behind me backlights my silhouette perfectly.  NEWS FLASH...that moment doesn't exist.  But that doesn’t mean the waiting season is pointless.  In order to have a harvest season, there must be a season of waiting before it.  Where the seed was sown, watered, and grown to reach maturity.  THEN comes the harvest. However, what we CAN do in a season of waiting, is learn as much as we can about how to influence our current environment for Jesus, and prepare for what’s next. 

Some things I’ve learned from working as a hostess:

1. The first and last thing people see is you. 

In a restaurant, the first thing people see, and sometimes hear, is me.  On the phone, they can hear my smile (or lack thereof), and at the door, they see it.  A smile and a warm greeting can be the most disarming thing.  People come in off the crazy New York streets, where it’s cold and loud, and I am the first encounter they have with our restaurant.  I have noticed that when I smile and greet with genuine warmth, it disarms any potential reason for being disgruntled or starting off on the wrong foot.  Now, it’s not a perfect method, I am human (very human on some days), but it’s very effective.  And you never know who you may be influencing with just a smile.

“Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.” Hebrews 13:2

If we transfer this to our faith, what does it look like for people to be warmly greeted upon meeting us?  At the doors of our church, on the subway, at the office copy machine, at Starbucks?  Time to get rid of RBF (Resting Bitch Face, which I have been told I have occasionally -sorry, I’m very focused - working on it...) and start to engage the people around us!

2.  Excellence is a mindset not a task.

Often times in a restaurant environment, it is a team effort to make things excellent.  From making sure the tables are evenly spaced, to wiping the spots on glasses, to having the correct cutlery, to not double seating a server, to checking a coat quickly, to communicating clearly, it takes more than one person to create a wonderful dining experience.  And we all need to have an eye for excellence.  Excellence makes the experience memorable and sets a benchmark of expectation.  When someone has bad service, or encounters a bad attitude, it leaves a sour taste in their mouth.  One of the mottos of our restaurant is that the food is always first, it speaks for itself, but the service needs to match.  If even one person on the team is lukewarm or doesn’t believe in the food, it can affect someone’s experience.  So much so that they don’t want to come back.

“We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.” 2 Corinthians 5:20

The Gospel speaks for itself, but how are we representing it?  Does our encounter with people leave them with a bitter taste in their mouth?  Or do we seek to be excellent (not perfect - separate blog post to come) and represent Jesus well?

3.  A slow turn of tables does not mean there is no work to be done.

Often when there are not masses of people coming through the door, there is something called sidework that can always be done.  Whether it’s cleaning the doors, folding menus, restocking supplies, plotting tables for the next big wave of people to come through the door, it’s work that in the long run makes the job easier.  In turn, that leads to a better experience for the customer.  It’s also a time to get to know co-workers.  In the time that I’ve been at this job, I have made great lasting relationships with the people I work with.  And I have talked to them openly about Jesus.  The times that are slow (aka: waiting seasons) have allowed me to prepare for what’s next, and influence right where I am.  

Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. 2 Timothy 4:2

In our waiting season, are we preparing for the things the Lord has ahead for us?  Or are we just twiddling our thumbs?  Are we bringing as many people with us and influencing as many people for Christ as we can?  

Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.  Matthew 9:37

Let’s extend our hospitality wherever we can, with warm smiles and ready tables, because in the end, our hospitality will influence the greatest harvest we’ve ever known.   

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WORD to your 2017

So, I know I’m a little late to the game, but I finally figured out what my word for 2017 is.  I was going back and forth between a few classics, like “OBEY” and “UNCOMFORTABLE” and “LISTEN” but after a few really tough years, I didn’t feel in my spirit that God wanted me to have another year where I’m stretched to the point of breaking because I am speaking these challenges over my life.  My natural tendency is to do the martyr thing and put up the front of “It’s all for the Kingdom.  I’m carrying my cross.  I’m suffering for the cause.”  Listen, as Christians, we all do that, we all have made sacrifices and we all lay down our lives to further the Kingdom of God.  I’m not against it and I will choose to do that everyday.  But I just can’t commit to any of those challenging words this year after having a few years that I just wanted to flush down the toilet.

I had been tossing around another word as well, and this morning I prayed for confirmation of what my word would be.  Ironically, my confirmation came as I was sitting on a literal toilet.  I know it’s a bit crass to talk about toilets, but I find it all very humorous and humbling that God would give me a word there.  Especially since the word is “BLESSING”.  I looked up at the advertisement on the stall door, and it was for the 7 day devotional by  my pastor, on the topic of...you guessed it... BLESSING.  BLESSING in a toilet stall?  Figures.  But oddly enough, it links to some other things that Holy Spirit was stirring in me for 2017.

Earlier this year, I felt a sense that God wanted me to study and meditate on the book of James.  Even memorise it, which is a good exercise for me, as my memorisation skills are a bit rusty ever since I laid down the pursuit of the acting craft.  One verse that continues to stick out to me is James 1: 12

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

If I had to describe my past 2-3 years, I would definitely use the words “persevere under trial”.  Now, I can’t guarantee that there won’t be trials this year, where I need to persevere.  I would be surprised if there weren’t, that’s the nature of our fallen world.  But I am excited about the prospect of this crown of life and the promise of God that is given to me through Jesus.  Because if I have learned anything over the past 3 years, it’s how to love Him and others deeper, how to persevere under trial, and how to stand the test of character that comes with emotional and spiritual maturity.  

I am looking forward to this promise of BLESSING from my Daddy in heaven.  This crown of life that is mine for the wearing.  The reminder that I am a daughter of the most high King, and my royal BLESSING awaits me as I trust in Him for all my needs.  I know in my knower that 2017 is going to be a VERY different year to the last 3, and that it will be filled with ABUNDANT blessing in every way.  I pray this for your 2017 as well.  After all, BLESSING is meant to be shared.  What is the BLESSING that you are hoping for this year?

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Wake up sleeper...

I’ve been thinking a lot about dreams lately.  Probably because we are encouraged to dream at Bible College, but also just because I feel like I’ve been living so small.  I have had plenty of dreams in my young(ish) life.  I wanted to be a Broadway Star.  I wanted to start a non-profit.  I wanted to start my own business.  I wanted to paint and put together a gallery show.  I wanted to travel the world.  I wanted to write a book.  Some things I started and never finished.  Some things I invested time, money, blood, sweat, and tears, but then self-sabotaged before I could finish.  And some things I just never started.  They remained as a hazy idea somewhere in dream land and never really took root.  And I don’t think I’m alone in this.  

We live in a time with more distractions than ever.  We have Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Netflix, phones that give us access to everything, turn on lights for us, open garage doors for us, think for us.  Finishing anything in this environment is tricky.  It numbs us with over-stimulation and inundates us with noise.  I think about how many dreams I’ve had in the past that I just didn’t believe I could accomplish, and I get frustrated.  So what is it?  Is it me?  Is it my environment?  Is it the post-modern influence telling me I can do whatever I want?   Or maybe, it’s simply a lack of faith and a fear of failure.  

Sometimes choosing what to start is the hard thing with all of these options and distractions.  What if I choose the wrong thing?  What if I make the move and it doesn’t work out?  What if?  What if?  What if?

Well...What if?  What if it DOES work out?  What if your dream DOES come to pass?  What if YOU DO finish that project or that book?  WHAT IF?  I think that it’s so easy for us to become so complacent where we are.  It becomes so easy to choose the familiar or the comfortable because we know it.  So we don’t make a decision.  Or we waffle.  John writes, 

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot.  I wish you were either one or the other!  So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth. [Revelation 3:15-16 NIV]

Or maybe we give ourselves too much credit.  We don’t go for the big dream because we think that WE can’t do it.  GUESS WHAT?  WE CAN’T.  BUT GOD CAN.  

This is the God who literally SPOKE and the Earth was created.  He BREATHED and gave life to man.  Like, I’m pretty sure that there isn’t anything that he can’t do.  Ephesians 3:20-21 says,

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.  [Ephesians 3:20-21 NIV]

That doesn’t mean we get to sit on our squooshy tooshys and let God do all the work.  He gave us the dream, but we need to partner with Him in getting it done.  Faith is ACTIVE.  It’s not just about faith, but also the deeds we do to outwork our faith that build our relationship with Jesus.  We pray, we prepare, we hone our craft, we believe, we pray some more.  The more we trust him, allow him to plant these dreams in us, and surrender our will to His, the closer we get to our dreams coming true.  Ephesians 5 says,

 This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,    rise from the dead,    and Christ will shine on you.”

Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. [Ephesians 5:14-17 NIV]

Our dreams, our giftings, the favor of God are not for status, they are for service and that dream could be the difference between life and death for someone.  So WAKE UP SLEEPER.  The time is now.  The dream is now and it is yours.  Make the most of it.

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AN EXTRAORDINARY LEGACY

You may or may not know this about me, but I initially moved to New York to pursue a career in acting. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember wanting to be a famous actress.  I loved the idea of walking the red carpet all glammed up for award shows, and the thought of being someone that others could look up to and want to be like.  I wish I could humbly say that I appreciated the craft of acting, or that I wanted to experience the creative process that actors go through to create a character.  Those things are part of the process, and are very important, but, that’s not why I was pursuing acting.  My reasons for pursing acting were far more selfish.  It was something I wanted to do because I was searching for my worth and value.  I wanted people to think I was pretty and talented, and then I thought, maybe, maybe if I could be famous, I would be worth something.  I wanted to be remembered, in a way that I could tell my kids about, and they could tell their kids.  I wanted to leave that kind of legacy.  

So I networked, I got head shots, I enrolled in one of the best studio acting programs in the city.  Along with the good, came the bad though.  The constant competing with others, the backbiting, the fake friends, the drinking, the partying.  It led me to a place where I was making really bad and desperate decisions.  My legacy had become undesirable, even to me. I knew something needed to change.  And it did, once I met Jesus. He changed everything for me, most importantly, my legacy.  

As believers, we have the opportunity to leave behind a very different legacy to what the world thinks it should be.  We have the opportunity to leave behind an extraordinary legacy.   

Firstly,

Legacy isn’t about us, it’s about JESUS

I was trying so hard to create my own legacy based on the things that the world thinks are important.  Fame, appearances, approval from others.  But Kingdom Culture says otherwise.  In the same way that legacy is passed down from father to son, mother to daughter, generation to generation, we have a legacy that is passed on to us from our Heavenly Father.  

In Ephesians 1:4-6 it says

4 For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.

Because of Jesus, we have a legacy now that is eternal.  We are adopted into God’s kingdom, and are co-heirs with Christ because of the sacrificial love of Jesus.  It’s not by our own efforts, but by his, that we can say we are children of God.   We are Christ’s ambassadors here on earth.  The old legacy is gone and Jesus has given us a new one.  Pretty incredible hey?  

Secondly, legacy isn’t for us, it’s for others

What better example of a legacy do we have than the great commission?

In Matthew 28: 18-20 it says

“Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Our legacy calls us to make disciples.  To teach, to train, to bring others alongside and show them the ropes.  We have the opportunity to be speaking life into those around us and sharing the love of Christ with everyone we meet through our actions and our words.  We have the opportunity to help others develop their God given gifts and talents. We have the opportunity to go out and salt the earth with the Gospel.  To help those in need, to be kind, to show love in a world that is so full of hate right now.  We have a mantle and a legacy to love more than just our neighbour, but our enemy as well.  We are called to be peacemakers, demonstrators of the love of Christ and the peace that comes with being in his lineage. That’s our EXTRAORDINARY legacy, it’s ABOUT Jesus and FOR others.  

Each and every one of us has a specific purpose. Jesus has rewritten our legacy.  With the EXTRAORDINARY legacy that Jesus has secured for us, there is no more need for striving, or stressing, or seeking approval. Let’s be people who fix our eyes on Jesus and carve the path for those coming after us to follow Him.  I want to encourage you today, if you are feeling tired, or directionless, or like you have hit a wall, keep pressing in.  There are people on the other side of your obedience and sacrifice.    What if your obedience is the answer to someone’s prayer?  What if you are the person that points them to Jesus, so that he can change THEIR legacy as well?    So let’s walk in this new legacy with boldness and confidence our God for all that he has done!   

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Math Is Hard

In school, I hated math. Hated. I was an honor student in every other subject, including independent study, but math...I can't. I even had to get tutored in high school. As an honor student/class president/cheerleading captain/National Honor Society member, this was slightly embarrassing. I even dropped out of AP Calculus my senior year to take Discreet Math because the idea of finding the second derivative of the derivative...whatever. Also, the teacher used a pie to teach the first fractions lesson sooooo... 

 There honestly aren't too many things that perplex me the same way that math does. I'm a problem solver, but there is one thing that I can't quite seem to figure out. Relationships. Merely saying the word can send some people into the rocking fetal position. Oddly, relationships remind me a little of math. Some people think of relationships in the form of an equation, like 1 + 1 = 1 or, in the case of Christians, 1 + 1 + 1 = 1. If you think about it too long it starts to sound like a binary code...00000100101010101 and then it all mushers together and my eyes cross. To me, the math seems like it doesn't make much sense. But in the context of the Bible, it does. In Ecclesiastes it says 

 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) 

 When we are in a relationship with Jesus, and then we are married under a covenant with another person, the math looks a little like 1 + 1 + 1 = 1. When a man and woman get married, they "become one" and leave their independent spirit behind to create a marriage. In this same way, Jesus is the third cord in that strand, because they are under covenant. So that math makes sense. But then I started to think...what about people who are divorced, or widowed, or those of us who are still single? What does our equation look like? 

 The more I thought about it, the more I thought it actually looks kind of similar. If being married is two people, individually made whole by their relationship with Jesus, then why can't we look at ourselves as whole people outside of the context of relationship as well? If 1 + 1 + 1 = 1 with a significant other and Jesus in the equation, then 1 + 1 = 1 is also true for us without our " + 1". When we are in relationship with Jesus, He makes us whole. If two wholes coming together make a whole, then one whole also makes a whole. I know, that sounds crazy, like one of those word problems that ask you to figure out how the cat had three apples and I had 5 oranges and it equals the number of aliens that are purple in a vacuum. 

 But if we think about it rationally, it does make sense. God has given us His Spirit, to live in our hearts, to heal us, to help us to love the way the He loves. We are His children, and He is all we need. Galatians 4: 6-7 says 

 Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but God's child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir. 

 But that's not all. Since we are on the subject of math, if 1 + 1 + 1 = 1, that is also how we describe the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. If that Spirit lives in us, and we know that by Jesus' sacrifice we are made whole, then the equation of 1 + 1 = 1 makes total sense. Hebrews 10: 14 says 

 For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy. 

 So as a single, the math is frustrating at times. If you are married, the math is frustrating sometimes.  If you have gone through a divorce, or even harder, the loss of a spouse, I know that nothing I say will make it less difficult. If anything, I pray that this post doesn't diminish the memory of that person or the struggle you overcame in that relationship, but rather, would inspire hope in you, that you are loved still, always, and that you are whole. Your Savior is with you, and His Spirit lives in you, and you are made whole, just you. For us still single, or newly single girls, we are enough because He is enough. For my married ladies, you are enough, and your husband is enough, and your marriage is enough, because Jesus is enough. So take some time to appreciate your 1, or your 1+ 1 or your 1 + 1 + 1, because The One has made you 1 whole and any way you divide that up, it still equals 1.

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HUMBLE, WITH JUST A HINT OF KANYE

Recently, I’ve started to wonder if I struggle with false humility.  I currently find myself in an environment where we are encouraged to humble ourselves and put others first.  We encourage and believe in everyone else, but we downplay our own talents and gifting because we don’t want to appear to think too highly of ourselves.  No one wants to act like Kanye.  It’s something that creates a tension, a fine line we need to walk, between honoring God in the way he has made us, and taking responsibility for how we have stewarded those gifts.  It inspired me want to discover what humility actually is.  

I started to think of the ways that I express humility.  “Language locates me” is something I have been working on for a while now.  Some of the phrases I find myself saying are classic deflections like “Yeah, my hair looks great today, but you always look great [insert random friend name here]!” Or “I don’t know how I got this opportunity, God, I guess?”  It’s not that I speak that out intentionally over my life, it’s more like it happens in simple conversations with people.  In my morning routine, I speak the Word of God over myself, things like “I am fearfully and wonderfully made” “I am blessed and highly favored” and “I am a child of God.”  I honestly believe these things about myself, but for some reason when I have to reveal that in front of another person, I feel guilty.  Maybe it’s shame.  I’m not sure, but it doesn’t feel like true humility.  It’s almost like I hide my gifts and talent or my beauty because I don’t want to come across as arrogant.

But hiding who God has created me to be isn’t humility at all, is it?  It’s actually insulting to God.

“Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no handles’? (Isaiah 45:9)

Who am I living for?  The opinion of others?  Or an audience of One?

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

If I want to honor God in TRUE humility, it’s about the position of my heart in what I say.  It’s about honoring Him with my gifts and abilities, to the BEST of my ability.  Because let’s be honest, the only way that I can help others stretch and grow to be the best they can be, is if I’m operating in the way God created me to be.  Pretending to be something less than that isn’t humility, it’s insulting.  The devil would love to make us all think that we are not good enough, and what better way to guilt and shame us into it than by using false humility and having us speak “not good enough” over our lives?  Why not own that incredible song you wrote?  Or take ownership of the way you were a quick thinker in a tough situation?  What about that brilliant idea that you had that saved your boss’s butt?  Yes, it was divinely inspired, but God created us to carry out His plans here on Earth.  That takes a capable human to do it. So believe it is you.  I mean, God did choose us.  That’s pretty significant, I’d say.

For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. (Ephesians 1:4-6)

Jesus paid the price for our shame.  He bridged the gap between our humanity and our potential when He gave His life so that we could have freedom, and confidence, and a bold spirit.  THAT is true humility.  KNOWING what you have been created to do, and doing it.  Without restraint, without apology.  So it seems to me that, since we have a Savior who loves us enough to have gone to the cross for us, in true humility, the least we can do is love OURSELVES as much as Kanye loves Kanye.  With a hint of humility of course.  Good on ya’ Yeezy.  

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Bye Fear-licia

Being almost 35 and in Leadership College around students in their early 20s certainly has its challenges.  Like trying to understand what’s happening when people are playing Pokiemon (how do you even spell that) GO as they look for small digital animals with names that sound like sneezes, or learning the lingo, or watching my 22 year old housemate inhale a whole pizza and a chocolate cake without gaining an OUNCE.  But I think the biggest challenge is that it makes me question what I am doing here, besides the obvious obedience to God thing. 

That’s just it though.  I am here in direct obedience to God.  So why do I let these things get to me?  One word...FEAR.  Fear is the enemy’s greatest weapon in getting us to doubt our calling, our identity, our purpose, and our ability to trust in our heavenly Father.  Fear is a thief. Fear is a liar.  In New York we call it FOMO... Fear Of Missing Out.  I am afraid that I am missing out on life by doing something that is uncomfortable and challenging and stretching and inconvenient, but is what I am called to for this season.

God has placed huge dream in my heart, and enourmous skill and capacity in my hand, yet I find myself paralyized by fear.  Fear of what you ask?  Fear of being looked at as a follower, fear of not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, enough...the list goes on.  Today I had the reveleation that I have a fear of never finding a husband, of never being vulnerable enough, young enough to still have kids, confident enough to believe he wouldn’t cheat or leave me.  Fear is debilitating.  It puts up a blinder, a skewed projection of what we are actually capable of.  Am I still able to live out my calling and purpose without a husband?  Of course I am.  My purpose is tied to my Savior not my temporary circumstances.  Does that make it easier to watch all of my friends get new boyfriends and fiancees?  Hell no.  But who said that purpose was going to be easy?  Fear did.

Fear tells us that if we are working too hard for it, it must not be the right thing.  Fear tells us that if we don’t accomplish it in that small window of time, it won’t happen. Fear tells us that if we aren’t somebody, we are nobody.  Fear tells us that if we don’t do it as good as, or the same as someone else, it won’t work.  Fear tells us that if it doesn’t happen on our timeline, it won’t happen.  Fear tells us if we don’t see it, it’s not there.  Fear robs us of FAITH. 

But what fear DOESN’T tell us is that fear itself fears Truth.  Fear has a blind spot, in the same way that most of us have a blind spot.  Usually our blind spot is us.  So it is with fear, the root of fear is fear itself.  Fear of the power that the Word of God has in each and every one of us.  Here are some TRUTHS we know about the Word of God:

Jesus is the Word of God

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.  (John 1:14)

The Word is living and working at all times

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  (Hebrews 4:12)

The Word is love, and love casts out fear

  God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:16-18)

We have the power to cast out fear in our lives because the God of the universe has given us dominion over fear.  I am learning to speak the Word over my life.  Sometimes I forget, and let fear get the best of me.  But I only need to remind myself WHO GOD IS (or let’s be honest, have someone else remind me) and remember that He is a good, good Father.  He is fighting for me.

If God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31)

The Lord is my light and my salvation—    whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—    of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.    What can mere mortals do to me? (Psalm 118:6)

My God is YHWH, The God of the universe, the King of kings, The Alpha, The Omega, Almighty God, Elohim.  I will not be afraid. 

Fear, you are a liar and it’s time for you to get lost.  Bye Fear-licia. 

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I.D. - What’s Your Form of Identification?

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on here.  To be honest, I haven’t felt inspired to write in a long time.  But lately, God has placed on my heart this idea that my journey of finding out who I am in Him might actually help people on their journeys as well.  This journey of discovery, of making mistakes, of grace, of mercy, of humanity, of love, of relationship...all of these things I’ve struggled with and redefined over the past year...these things can help people find their footing too.

Last year was an interesting year to say the least.  I left my good life in New York, in pursuit of a great life at Bible College in Australia.  I was excited to be moving to somewhere warm, with beaches and Tim Tams and iconic things like The Sydney Opera House and Nicole Kidman.  But when I got here, the rug was pulled out from under me, and what I thought was going to be the best year of my life, actually turned out to be the hardest.  I faced abandonment, loneliness, humiliation, uncertainty, and the overwhelming feeling that I was unworthy, unlovable, incapable.  I was walking through a dark valley and I couldn’t see the light on the other side.  I questioned everything, including why I came here to Bible College and even my faith in God.  I pretty much hit rock bottom.  But in the midst of all that, in the throws of my trial, God didn’t leave me or forsake me, rather he showed me who I REALLY am.  

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life.  As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.  Joshua 1:5

I think as women,  we often try to find our worth and value in the wrong things. In some ways, I found myself last year, trying to overcompensate for what I had lost, and now I realize it’s because I didn’t actually know who I was.  I found myself looking for my value and worth in position, title, power, achievement, appearance, approval from others.  I would pull out my “I.D.” to show that I was leading “this” team, or was applauded by “this” person, or given “this” opportunity or title.  I would flaunt it around with pride, like a badge of honor, but on the inside, I was feeling worthless.  It was as if I had forgotten that the Creator of the Universe had created me, in the same way that He created the sun and the stars.  In Psalm 139 it says

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  How precious to me are your thoughts God! How vast is the sum of them:  Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand - when I awake I am still with you.  Psalm 139: 14-18

I had forgotten that God is thinking of me, thoughts more numerous than the grains of sand on the Earth.  

It wasn’t until God really started speaking to me about who I am and not who I wanted to be, that things started to change.  He had to reveal himself to me in a way that I didn’t even know I was missing.  He had to reveal himself as my loving Father before I understood that I am HIS.  His daughter, His princess, His beloved, the apple of His eye, His pride and joy.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I am righteous, I am healed and whole, I am the daughter of the most high King, I am free, and the list goes on.  I had to confess these truths over myself until they settled from my head into my heart.  It came only with prayer, perseverance, and revelation.  These truths are in the Word of God, and there is power when the Word of God is confessed out loud.  If you find yourself struggling with identity today, I want you to confess these scriptures over your life.  Do it in the shower, do it on your walk to work, do it when you wake up and before you go to bed.  Put post-its on your computer screen, put reminders in your phone.  You can never confess too much of the Word of God, because we know that The Word of God is powerful.  In Hebrews 4 it is written:

For the word of God is alive and active.  Sharper than any two edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

The Word of God is our most powerful weapon against identity fraud and the lies of the devil.

Here are some things you can confess to get you started.  I’ve already done some of the research, but I would encourage you to find more of your own truths in His Word also.  Many times, our own personal discoveries are the most powerful.

I am a new creation - 2 Corinthians 5:17

I am free - Galatians 5:1, Romans 8:2

I am clothed with strength and dignity - Proverbs 31:25

I am beautiful - Song of Songs 4:7

I am chosen - Ephesians 1:4, 1 Thessalonians 1:4-5

I am fearfully and wonderfully made - Psalm 139:14

I am a daughter of the most high King - Acts 17:28, Romans 8:15-17

I have the mind of Christ - 1 Corinthians 2:16

I am believing that no matter where you find yourself today, you realize that you can find yourself in Jesus, our beautiful Savior, and that you have the revelation that you are SO LOVED by God, our Father in Heaven, who adores you.  Because when you realize that you have a heritage and a family in Christ, your identity becomes anchored in the One who never changes, who never leaves us or forsakes us, whose love for us stretches farther than the East is from the West.  And that is an I.D. I’ll carry with me always.

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Patience, my friend.

Psalm 27:14

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

I don't even know where to begin with Patience.  It's probably the thing I struggle with the most.  Even New Yorkers walk too slow for me.  If I haven't broken a sweat from point A to point B, even in the dead of winter, in my mind, I'm walking too slow.  I'm pretty sure I approach the rest of life this way as well.  I would rather eat a meal that has all of the vitamins and food groups I need, in a fairly quick manner, so that I can move on to the next thing on my list of things to do.  I don't sit down and enjoy food.  It's food, I don't care.  I'm not a foodie.  I also get frustrated when I run 6 miles and don't immediately see my six pack.  I'm not sure if it's that I've gotten used to the pace of New York or if I've just lost some Grace, but as life seems to fly by quicker, my patience seems to be waning.  At some point, I forgot to enjoy the journey.

When God asks us to wait for things and trust Him, at first we are like "Yeah, great!  I can totally do that.  You're God!  You only have the best for me, your princess, great daughter of The King that I am."  (which I am, by the way, and so are you, sis.)  But the SECOND something comes up that makes you question that even a little (because we do question and doubt, we are human), it seems like we will NEVER get to the beautiful end point that God promised us!

  *NEWSFLASH*  The end point is when we get to that glorious place where Jesus is and we get to chill with Him for all of Eternity.  Until then, we are on this journey called LIFE and when we get to a point in life where we feel like we finally arrived, there is always another benchmark or goal or dream that we are reaching for.  We all want to be in a loving relationship.  Once we get that, we want to get married, once we get that, we want kids...see where I'm going with this?  The point is, we focus so much on where we want to go, and how quickly we can get there, that often times we miss the experiences right in front of us.

I was so excited to move to the Upper West Side and start a new chapter during this past July.  I was CERTAIN that something really great was going to happen in July and I was just waiting for that big breakthrough moment.  I kept talking about it like, "It's July, the breakthrough is coming."  So I would just keep looking for that big thing that I felt God put on my spirit.  Yes, there was some breakthrough.  There was some news.  But I kept myself so busy looking for it, that before I knew it, July was over.  And here we are in August, and I have no idea what I did in July.  A month of my new lease is over and I haven't even gone grocery shopping yet.  I was so busy waiting for something to happen to me, and wishing it to be here that I pretty much wished away an entire month of my life. 

What if patience really meant trusting God with each moment?  If it meant enjoying life to the fullest, exactly where you are, exactly when you are there?  What if it is enjoying that morning walk to work at a more leisurely pace?  What if it meant that while we are waiting on something or someone, we are actively waiting, preparing, and readying ourselves for what God truly has for us?  In John 10:10 it says that Jesus came "that they may have life, and have it to the full."  Why are we not implementing patience and enjoying each moment to the fullest?  We should even be grateful for those hard times because when we praise through trials and storms, when we turn to Jesus, our relationship with Him grows deeper.  So why do we rush that?  Why rush the opportunity to get to know more intimately the Creator of the universe?  HELLO!??!!

So the next time you are tempted to rush through your day just so you can get home, try taking a moment and being grateful for where you are.  It's an opportunity to slow down and commune with our Lord.  To take a breath and appreciate where you are and who you are and who He's created you to be.  Know that He's doing a work in you and will fulfill His promises in His timing.  In James 5 we are implored to be patient like a farmer waits for the harvest.  Read the examples of Job, Elijah, Joseph, Abraham and Sarah, Ruth, Esther... the list goes on.  It doesn't mean that your waiting period won't be difficult.  It doesn't mean that you won't encounter road blocks and humbling experiences and fear.  It simply means that as you PATIENTLY wait on the Lord and trust in Him and His timing, He is working those things out for us.  Patience is actually about letting go and remaining fully present, in the present.  The future is in His hands, not ours. 

Patience, my friend.

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...and world peace

I often find myself getting busied with transitions between seasons (literal and figurative seasons), which is why I haven't posted in a while.  I'm at the tail end of the season I endearingly call "The Winter That Wouldn't End" and am transitioning into what I will call in faith "Summer 2014 Is Looking Bright Y'all."  (Y'all added for emPHAsis).  There are so many wonderful things coming up that happened in a rather sudden manner (new apartment, vacation in Montauk over the 4th of July, possible new job and volunteering opportunities - but more on that later) that I have been consumed and busy for about 2 weeks non-stop.  I've learned to not be surprised by that, though, because our God is a God of suddenly, and I look forward to those changes that occur unexpectedly, and most times for the better. 

As evidenced from the last few posts, this was a hard winter.  Not just physically, where it literally snowed until May, but also personally.  The great thing about these seasons is that we are pruned, stretched, and strengthened through our perseverance (James 1:2-4).  I learned a tough lesson during this season about obedience, but also about peace, the third fruit.  I think that they are directly related.  I have mentioned before some of the things that God has spoken to me and asked me to do.  Obviously I delayed some of these things, and realized late in the game that delayed obedience, actually isn't.  A few weeks ago, I was really convicted in my spirit about something that I had done months earlier.  I realized that I had, in my anger and pain, directly disobeyed God, and then spent months praying to Him asking Him why I couldn't move forward.  WELL FOLKS, once I had the revelation that what I did was in direct disobedience to what God had asked of me, I set out to right my wrong.  I immediately asked for forgiveness from God, spent a good 2 hours crying and praising God at the same time, and then I drafted an email.  It was a really hard email to draft, and I had to swallow quite a bit of pride to hit send.  Because essentially, I had tried to shut a door that God wanted to keep open for now.  And we all know how that usually works out (please see every cheesey Christian Pinterest about doors and windows)...

I will tell you, not one hour after I made amends and allowed the Lord to right my steps, a FLOOD of blessing came my way.  I'm not saying that we should obey God because of what we get out of it.  Absolutely not!  We should obey God because He is God, and we, as followers of Christ, should have a heart to please Him.  But it was a valuable lesson He was teaching me.  I had to let go, obey even when it seemed unnatural, and allow Him to work it out for my good according to His plan, not mine.  And what I realized even more, is that I finally had peace.  The hurt and torment and anger that I had felt was replaced with a peace that surpassed my understanding, and still does.  I have a peace in this time of transition and not knowing that, before would have made me ill, and now just excites me and keeps me expectant.  We can have peace through every situation if we are just willing to listen and obey.  If we keep our eyes focused on Jesus and what He's doing, and if we trust in Him despite not being able to understand it in the natural, He will show us the path to His peace. 

Give yourself grace on this journey.  If you forget to water a seed, or if it falls on rocky soil, it's okay.  God helps us to course correct through the Holy Spirit.  He is the God of infinite chances.  He chases us relentlessly because He loves us so much.  And the best way to find His peace is to walk in alignment with what He asks of us.  If Jesus could give His life for us, then immediately walking in obedience should be our natural response to when God asks us for something.  And I know that the peace that follows will surpass all understanding and lead to greater blessing than we can ever imagine.

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You Can't Steal My Joy Homeboy

How appropriate that, on the day of Sisterhood United, I am reminded of the Sisterhood from a few months ago where Pastor Laura told us about the difference between Happiness and Joy.  Today, I almost let the enemy steal my joy that God has been restoring over the past 7 weeks.  Notice I said ALMOST.  Thank God that I am surrounded by amazing friends and incredible women of God who just speak life into me and call me out on my stuff.  Because if I wasn't, the enemy would hit me with his flaming darts on the regular and they would work.

The difference between happiness and joy is that happiness is an emotion and joy is a way of life.  It's not just something you feel, it is something you can BE.  Happy is an adjective that describes something.  Joy is a noun and a verb.  Joy appears in the Bible over 200 times and happiness does not appear at all.  They may be synonyms, but they are not synonymous in the ways that we think they would be.   I'm realizing that I can still have joy even when I don't feel happy.  Even in my darkest moments, my sad moments, my frustration, I can have joy because my joy comes from The Lord and not from my circumstances.  I needed to remind myself of this today, so I did a little research...

Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy in his dwelling place (I Chronicles 16:27 NIV)

...Do not grieve, for the joy of The Lord is your strength. (Nehemiah 8: 10 NIV)

Restore to me the joy of your salvation     and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. (Psalm 51:12 NIV)

Your statutes are my heritage forever; they are the joy of my heart. (Psalm 119:111 NIV)

The prospect of the righteous is joy,     but the hopes of the wicked come to nothing. (Proverbs 10:28 NIV)

I love Isaiah 51...

The Lord will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the Lord. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing. (Isaiah 51:3 NIV)

Those the Lord has rescued will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away. (Isaiah 51:11)

20 Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. 21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. 23 In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 24 Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. (John 16:20-24 NIV)

Let's not forget Isaiah 61...all of it.  Just read it.

I was reminded that when we go through trials, it develops our character and perseverance.  It grows our faith.  That we go through difficult times, but it makes us stronger and increases and strengthens our joy.  Because the reality is that we don't have joy because of our circumstances or what happens to us.  We have joy because Jesus died on the cross to give us everlasting life.  We have joy because of where we KNOW we are going after this life.  Does that mean we can just pray for that day to come in hard times and just wish away our life?  NO WAY.  It means that EVEN THOUGH we have difficult days and circumstances that are not ideal, we can still have JOY because of who holds our future.  We can have JOY because His mercies are new every day.  We can have JOY because this is only for a season. And we should have joy through these hard times because the reality is, we may be the only Jesus some people see that day.  The enemy knows this.  He will try to steal our joy in any way he can.

So the next time you find yourself feeling less than joyful, remember that it's not where you are or what you are doing that gives you joy, it's WHOSE you are and what HE'S done that gives you joy.  Then you can look the devil right in the face and say, "You can't steal my joy, homeboy." 

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The Sound of Love

This week, I really thought I would be totally diligent and would be inspired to write about love each day.  I actually failed pretty miserably at the expectation.  To be really honest, the moment I committed to writing about love and my experience with it this week, I developed a chip on my shoulder and just didn't want to.  I started to research agape love and just got frustrated.  It always seems like it's those times when God decides to give me a revelation of something that has been years in the making.  

I'm pretty sure when people meet me, based on appearances and my general demeanor, they don't really have any idea what my story is.  They make assumptions that I have never been in a bad situation, or that I grew up in the church, or that I've always been super nice to everyone, or that I'm totally transparent.  There are things about my past, my story, that actually shock people when they hear it.  Everybody's story is unique.  Some people knew they wanted to follow Jesus from a young age and never looked back.  Others don't know anything about Jesus until later in life.  And some of us know ABOUT Jesus but it took a while and some interesting circumstances for us to know, actually KNOW Him.  So in the meantime we make some really bad choices because we don't know who He is or who WE are.  That's my story.  

The short version is that I gave my life to Christ at 17, being introduced by my former cheerleading (yes cheerleading - don't you judge me) coach my senior year of high school.  I went on to be involved in Campus Crusade, now called Cru, at college and was really moved by the worship music.  It drew me in to the Thursday night meetings because I am a singer and have such a love and passion for music, but also because there was something different about the worship.  I didn't understand it and I didn't necessarily have a revelation of who Jesus was at that point because I got into a relationship with a man who wasn't very good for me.  I was approached by my bible study leader about it, I became offended and walked away.  Just walked away from Jesus.  For 10 years.  I entered into this relationship with this man who was an alcoholic.  He would drink until black out and let's just say the things that happened after are not great.  After the abuse of that relationship, I moved on to the next relationship, which was emotionally abusive as well.  Did I mention that he was still married when we started dating?  That break up ended with him being engaged to a mutual friend not 2 months after we broke up.  I remember having thoughts of suicide at the end of that relationship and being put on antidepressants for a time.  It was right before I moved to New York, so when I got here, I made bad decision after bad decision.  I drank a lot, I experimented with different drugs, I was hanging out with the wanna-be models and actors and getting kicked out of fancy hotel rooms and vandalizing things.  Most disturbingly for me, I was sleeping around.  I found out that one of the guys that I slept with had been with over 300 women, and it was at this point I started to question what I was doing.  I had put my health and my heart at risk so many times because I was so hurt.  I had an STD scare after this man and it brought me to my knees.  Fortunately, by the Grace of God, it was a false positive.  I decided that I wasn't going to sleep with anyone else until I was married after that.  But I still didn't come back to Jesus.  I was searching though.  That year, my father ended up having a massive heart attack and required a quadruple bypass surgery.  I went home to be with my family and just took a really hard look at how I was living my life.  It took me a few more months but eventually I found my way into a Hillsong NYC service and the Holy Spirit convicted me in a big way.  And He TRANSFORMED my life. 

I'm getting to the love part of this.  I was thinking about this the other day in conversation with a friend.  I was telling her about my love for worship music and I began to think about how it was part of the reason that I enjoyed going to the services in college.  And then I remembered that when I was in the two relationships that were abusive, even though I wasn't walking with Jesus at that time, I would sit in my car and listen to the CD that I purchased in college. It happened to be a HILLSONG MUSIC CD.  And I realized that, even then, even in my darkest moments, even when I was thinking about ending my life, even when I was in despair because the men in my life didn't love me, that JESUS WAS PURSUING ME.  He never stopped pursuing me.  He loved me so much that when I didn't know what to do, I would return to the way He speaks to me the most...through music.  I didn't know it was the Holy Spirit then, but the fact is that He would comfort me through worship music, the thing that is meant for HIM and His glory.  I may never, no I WILL never, on this earth, comprehend how great, how wide, how deep, and how high, the love of our Lord is for me.  I hope that everyone has that moment where they realize just how long and how far God has gone to pursue our hearts, and that He is relentless and won't stop until we know how loved we are.  He will pursue us and love us unconditionally, forever.  No matter what we do.  No matter how far or how fast we run from Him. 

So if today, you are feeling like no one loves you, that no one CAN ever love you, it's not true.  Jesus loves you more than you can ever hope, think, or imagine. He can dramatically turn your life around no matter where you are and He will never stop pursing you.  He offers a perfect love, the only love that can fill us completely.  The only love that brings us full circle.  This love has brought me full circle because I now serve in the church whose music drew me in at first.  It's agape love.  A love He gave his life for.  That is what love, REAL love, sounds like.

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That's Good Fruit

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV)

A while back I had written a journal entry that focused on Galatians 5:22-23, the fruit of the spirit.  I compared the description of each fruit between the NIV and Message versions, and was actually pretty amazed at the clarity that I was able to get. 

NIV                                Message

Love                             Affection for others

Joy                                Exuberance about life

Peace                           Serenity

Patience                       A willingness to stick with things

Kindness                      A sense of compassion in the heart

Goodness                    Conviction that basic holiness permeates

Faithfulness                 Involved in loyal commitments

Gentleness                  Not needing to force our way in life

Self-Control                 Able to Marshal and direct our energies wisely

This simple comparison actually opened up so many different ideas in my heart and in my mind, and I've felt prompted to explore and dive a little deeper into each of these fruits.

What I've learned about fruit, so far, is that it doesn't just appear out of nowhere.  We don't pray for love or for patience and receive it in a nice, perfectly wrapped, Tiffany blue package.  Nope.  Pipe dream.  Often times, when we pray for a fruit, we receive a seed.  What do we do with a seed, you ask?  Well, given that I've historically been known to kill anything that is green or requires water and sunlight to live, I might not be the best person to ask.  (Although I have been able to keep my peace lily, Gertrude, alive at work for about 3 years.  Not bad. And she produces lots of oxygen as a bonus.)  Common sense and basic 2nd grade science tells us that in order for a seed to grow, a few things need to happen:

1) It needs to be planted in good soil (noticing a theme here, folks?)

2) It needs to be watered

3) It needs sonlight (see what I did there?)

4) It takes time (it doesn't just happen overnight; germination, growing roots, breaking through the hard top layer of soil)

The conclusion we can draw from simple science, and also just from the fact that I've already been experiencing this, is that in order to harvest the fruit of the spirit, the seed needs to be planted and nurtured and cared for over time, in the right conditions, to bear fruit.  Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's painful, sometimes it takes much longer than we think it will.  But if we are willing to stick it out, we will reap what we sow.

I'm excited to challenge and stretch the status quo of my heart and spirit because I can feel the winds changing.  There's something at my back that is pushing me forward into new territory that I KNOW will require bigger, stronger, bolder faith.  It's going to be painful.  It's probably going to bring to light things that I've tried to forget.  But I know it will be worth it.  My goal is to focus on one fruit each week, study it, pray on it, make note of the opportunities to demonstrate it, and see what happens.  I know that God is going to breathe on it.  I'll let you know how it goes.  I'm sure the fruit like patience and gentleness will prove to be challenging as a New Yorker.  I'd like to think I have a handle on the others, like peace and self-control (tell that to the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos I just destroyed), but I'm sure the Holy Spirit will reveal otherwise. But I have to remember I'm not striving for perfection here, just for a good ole' dose of humility and reality.

The first one is love.  Of course.  As a verb, the most important commandment in the Bible.  As a noun, the thing my heart longs to give and receive.  And the one I feel like I'm struggling the most with right now.  Funny how the Holy Spirit prompts us to do things that directly challenge our fickle human hearts.  Gotta love that guy.  He sure knows what He's doing.

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Heart Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

The other day I was reading in Luke 8 (it was one of those flick and pick kind of days) and had prayed for something to speak right into my spirit.  I found myself at the parable of the sower.  I love this parable for many reasons.  Mostly because I can look back at my life and know that my heart has been all of those different types of soil, and I am finally at the point where my heart is good soil. 

11 “This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. 12 Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. 13 Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. 14 The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. 15 But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop. (Luke 8: 11-15)

I can look back at my journey and pinpoint each different type of soil.  The seeds along the path were all scattered there in my Catholic upbringing.  The seeds on rocky ground were lost when I first got saved in college, but didn't have the revelation of WHO Jesus really is, and walked away because of a relationship and being easily offended.  The seeds among the thorns were lost when I first moved to New York and was trying out all kinds of churches and other religions but was consumed by my worry about money and acting and validation from men.  The good, dark, fertile soil is where I am now; planted in an incredible house of God, surrounded by strong people of faith, open to the movement of the Holy Spirit.  That last part is my favorite:

But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

I have definitely learned quite a bit about perseverance on this journey.  At my lowest times this year, I never even CONSIDERED turning away from the Lord.  In fact, I have been seeking Him out more and more through every situation, through every trial, through every heartbreak and disappointment.  My dear friend (the one who always gives me such incredible guidance) has been talking about roots a lot lately.  He has been telling me that my heart is fertile soil for months now, AND he keeps talking about roots.  Roots have to grow down, deeper and deeper, before the tree itself can begin to grow.  The deeper the roots, the taller and stronger the tree.  Cedars of Lebanon, Oak trees, Redwoods; they are all tall, strong trees with deep roots.  The dark, fertile soil is ideal for this kind of growth.  Sometimes the roots are growing down so deep and we don't see the fruit of that seed for a while, but we know that as that tree begins to grow, the roots continue to grow deeper if the conditions are ideal.  So how do we keep the soil of our hearts in good condition to grow this kind of faith?

I try to do heart checks.  Sometimes, I'm not good at checking my own heart and it GETS checked by the Holy Spirit.  This happened yesterday.  As I continued reading Luke 8, I came to this verse:

17 For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. (Luke 8:17)

I immediately thought about the situation I was going through and how wronged I felt when I found out about what was being hidden and what was buried under little white lies.  As I was reading this verse, my thoughts went to a sense of vindication, knowing that the things that happened were eventually going to come out and I would rejoice on that day because this person was going to have to deal with the consequences.  I actually kind of chuckled that evil muah hahahaha kind of laugh in my head.  I thought about how true character was going to be revealed and how my suffering would be vindicated and I actually felt a sense of satisfaction.  And then IMMEDIATELY felt like a jerk.  It was a red flag that the soil of my heart was being tainted. 

Am I angry?  Yes.  Am  I hurt? Absolutely.  Would I wish this on anyone else?  Not even on my enemies.  This situation is one example of why I'm going in to women's ministry.  Does that mean it's okay for me to wish the downfall of my offender?  DEFINITELY NOT.  That's not what we are called to do.  Matthew 5 specifically states that we are not live "eye for an eye" and that we are to "Love our enemies". 

38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’[h] 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor[i] and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46 If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47 And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5: 38-48)

I'm still working through that, but I know that the Holy Spirit continues to till the soil of my heart and unearth those impurities that can become poisonous to the seeds that God has planted.  Make sure you are surrounding yourself with people wiser than you, plant yourself in a good bible-based church, spend time in prayer and in the Word, and you'll be amazed at how the soil of your heart begins to change.  Continue to ask the Holy Spirit to reveal those things that are offensive in your heart and ask him to make your soil pure and rich and fertile.  It may be painful at first, as the tilling process often is, breaking through that hardened outer layer, but the soil that is underneath is often times primed for receiving good seeds and bearing fruitful vegetation. 

I had to check my heart and check myself this week.  I am choosing forgiveness and choosing to trust God's plan and timing.  Vindication is not necessary because what God has for me is far better than any little plan I had for myself.  Thank you Holy Spirit for that heart check and may my heart always be ideally conditioned to receive your Word and let it take root.