meandmykarma - Tumblr blog

[meandmykarma]

Fuck you if I can’t have us

[meandmykarma]

Fear.

Normally, these days, people are fearing of missing something out. But for me, it's hardly to deal with the anxiety from frearing of losing somebody close to me.

Most of people say that life is not a race, but deep inside you will say it is. The feeling when you know what other people have had in your age, their accomplishment in love life, career, social might not easy to deal with. The jealousy to see other people post their love one without hasitation on the internet yet you can bearly post picture of yourself. The feeling went super high to know that someone on your environtment was very successfull not only on their carreer but also their family.

Besides of those toxic feeling, I am very greatfull that finally God granted my wish to be able with someone I love very much, with all my heart, body and soul. And yet it comes with another consequences having fear of losing him.

I can tell you that I am not very good at keeping somebody close to me in a long time, but for him, I'd sacrifice everything to keep him close to me. It sounds horrible but another people also said that love is something you have to fight for. It's not always like go with the flow, but sometimes you have to break the wave and go against the current to keep your relationship last. And I would do that without any hasitation. That was the faith I have, the love I would fight for.

In the end of writing this, I realize that maybe, it's okay to feel jealous and left behind. Maybe I run at another timeline. Maybe I have another battlefield. Maybe I need to calm down to realize that it's really not a race. Maybe it is given me time to learn how to keep someone you love, to bring down my ego, to walk slowly, to have patience, to know that it's okay not to be the first, it's okay to be the last. It's not shamefull. It's just life.

*ps. if you read this, you know I love you very much and please don't judge my feeling

[meandmykarma]

Can't believe I used to use tumblr to calm my emotion and anger when I was mad lol

It was long time ago when I'm in highschool. When something hit me really hard, and somehow bringing down my mood, tumblr will save it instead of twitter wkwk

Idk, I think tumblr is like completely full of stranger who don't know each other. So it's like a safe space to say anything about how you feel.

Besides, I did really love how fans of my fav band at that time always post charming picture of the members

[meandmykarma]

Someday you won’t remember this pain you thought would last forever and ever.

Taylor Swift

[meandmykarma]

Haunted by mistakes

Millions of people ever heard that mistakes will make you grow, or it was such of process that we all should experience to grow up, to be mature. But what if the mistakes are not going anywhere, and pop up every time you really need to put your eyes close?

Yep, it will give you extreme sickness in your head. Some part of your body really need to rest but your mind won't. This contradiction between your body is already breaking you down.

I do believe mistakes can be avoided, but, your human heart is really suck to follow the brain, especially for you woman. Those feeling matters more than any of logical explanation. Even you already know what really can be happening in future and your heart says the other way, you can fastly turn without any second thought.

That is definetely where mistakes come from, when you lose your mindfullness to think what will happen, what is the consequence, and what will other people do. The act of breavery went missing when i have to say no or do nothing to avoid future mistakes. And that is my weakness I should overcome.

And then I remember that mistakes will never be reapaired or denied that it was never happened. And I understand I should live by it. I just need to throw it up in here, so I can remember next time, before you do something stupid, or say something that leads to nothing. Then you better shut up or do nothing.

Throwing it up is already not easy, it's like you have a glass full of water and you really need to take it out a little so you have a space for the emptiness. The emptiness you needed to think clearly, to mend your heart, to bring the joy, to accept your mistakes.

By writing this down at least I try to get those emptiness, instead of running and keeping those glass full. At least I got any courage to speak it up, not by my mouth but my fingers. And I think it start to give me a little peace.

Hope it helps.

[meandmykarma]

Begin Again

Well, I never tought I will be back on this platform because of those buzy years keeping me up all years. But now, thing is going back like it used to be, where I don't really have any valve to flow my thoughts. It takes a lot of space in my head and I couldn't take it any longer, so I decided to throw it out here.

I know this is kind of diary but I promise to keep the private still there, just any thought. Not specific event or even mentioning any names.

So here I go again, begin again.

[meandmykarma]

Choosing the person you want to share your life with is one of the most important decisions any of us makes. Ever. Because when it’s wrong, it turns your life to grey. And sometimes, sometimes you don’t even notice until you wake up one morning, and realize years have gone by. We both know about that one, Alex. Your friendship has brought glorious technicolor to my life. It’s been there in the darkest of times, and I am the luckiest person alive for that gift. I hope I didn’t take it for granted. I think maybe I did, because sometimes you don’t see that the best thing that’s ever happened to you is sitting there, right under your nose. But that’s fine too. It really is. Because I’ve realized that no matter where you are, or what you’re doing, or who you’re with, I will always, honestly, truly, completely, love you.

Love, Rosie

[meandmykarma]

The best way to describe your feelings is through a song. Here’s for you who hold my hand to day.

“I know I shouldn’t tell you but I just can’t stop thinking of you”

[meandmykarma]

I did a long writing before, and it is all gone because sudden page reload. I tell a story of someone who pretend to be happy just to be get close to someone. I believe you have felt this way, I can’t be the only one. That moment you have someone close for years and you both pretend like there’s nothing happen to you both. Just to keep the friendship. That day dream that keeps your mind awake at night or those dream that make you don’t want to wake up. Even he/she has a partner, and brake up, and get into another relationship, you just sit there like a watch dog, but can do nothing.

This song remind me of that feeling I have to you. I just want to be beside you no matter what. You always know how to make me smile and we always didn’t put too much to tiny things between us. Yap, this thing include in those tiny things we ignore. Like this song. I will always be happy for you to hold you without your notice. I’m so sorry for this feeling, for the sweet things I’ve done to you (I believe you didn’t realize that) and Thank you for letting me do and feel that. I’m not going to say “I love you” because I don’t want to fall in love with you. I’m going to say, being with you is such a instant booster for my mood, and please, don’t get far from me. I need you.

[meandmykarma]

Welcoming Myself Back!!

FINALLY!!! After months planning and just end up on my mind, I HAVE A TUMBLR AGAIN!!

Again?? Yes, true, I used to have a tumblr account to boost my mood by following account that posted my favorite band’s photos. It was about 6 years ago (Oh God, I’m felling old yet), where I tried to learn what reality and dream were. Dealing with every situations, surviving the day, which is not that bad compared to you I believe. When the bad day came, I always opened my dashboard and a sudden happiness struct me like a lightning. I could forget, for a while of course, every stones stumbling my step that day. Like a magic!!

That experience is what I’m trying to build again. I really want to have somewere to throw all my words, thoughts, dreams, and imagination but I refuse a diary. So... from this day (I wish), I would like to share everythings on my head. It could be surprised you or disappoint you but here I am. A human being who breath the same oxygen as you do, who has 206 bones as you have.

Enjoy!!