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[meandfood]

Hello. I’m here. I had surgery. I couldn’t bake. I lost weight. Fuck. That’s okay. I’ll get it back.

Currently there is dried fruit quick bread in the oven.

Honestly I get so stressed by baking and why? Knock on wood I’ve made nothing that plain tastes bad while baking. Cooking… most definitely. Baking not yet.

So I took this one at my leisure. I tried to not feel rushed at any point. That’s the thing maybe I feel rushed. But legit what the fuck do I have to do.

I do Read. Im currently reading a book called Butter, Sugar, Magic. The protagonist made snickerdoodles which are my favorite cookie.

Ive got this mental plan on how to make these. But I don’t know what ingredients. I feel like baking is a pattern I have to learn. This much dry to this much wet. Etc. I’ll learn.

I know the dried fruit this cookbook had me simmer then drain and pat with a paper towel were pretty wet. But there wasn’t much butter. But there was milk. I’ll figure it out

Well I did it. It’s fucking delicious. I used that 30 year old tin and yeah the book called for a rectangle tin but this was way more fun.

I just stood over it and ate 3 pieces. I didn’t even think about it till after it was in my mouth being all delicious that I just cut in and started trying the thing I made. I have never done that. I wait hours. Maybe a day. But I dove in head first and it was the best idea.

Now… to nap then snickerdoodle? I may snickerdoodle another day. Idk. But the nap is a for sure thing.

[meandfood]

I’m not unalive. But I did have my tubes tied. For medical and no kid wanting reasons. Period. Still ha. Annnyways I can barely stand so it’s take out. (Although I am thinking about cooking a lot.) mostly Taco Bell…gasp! A “safe food”…black bean chalupa supremes. But tonight I went fancy!

I have taken no picture. Only eaten. Turns out I enjoy a white pizza with Evo, roasted garlic, and artichoke. I thought I didn’t like artichoke and now I want to blend it up and put it on pasta. I think it would work.

I also just had half a pistachio cannoli. I’ve had pistachios. I enjoy them. Although they remind me of my mother. TRIGGER. But it’s fine. Again I say anyways. I enjoyed it. I do wonder what It’s like fresh. I had to google while I was eating it what it is supposed to be like. Texture etc. because how do I know if the place down the road does good cannolis. I don’t. Or I didn’t ? I need now maybe to try multiple places’ cannoli. There’s still half left so maybe I’ll take a picture of that. But it’s too dark currently in my lair and my chamomile tea plus typing this on the blue screen is unaliving my eyeballs.

[meandfood]

It’s me again. I came back. So what I ate of that bread was what we talked about. Why? I don’t know. I feel weird about eating a loaf of bread to myself. I also didn’t want to eat it all because it would be gone. I have supplies to make more. I just have to fight that scarcity complex. But I definitely should have eaten more than those slices.

I’m getting groceries delivered tomorrow and feel like a damn queen. I mentioned I was incredibly poor growing up right?….anyways I am pretty “by the list” when in store shopping. But I feel I branched out just a touch. I got pine nuts to make pesto (I have food growing outside…we should talk about it. When I make the pesto). And I forget what else I got. It’ll be a surprise. I know I got the usual list but more.

Moving on

It’s time to make something to eat. And I decided on COOKIES. They’re what I’m the most familiar with making. I don’t get stressed like I do with bread. Although that last loaf I kept it cool. Anyways I got this fun book so let’s try it.

This is by far the strangest most un like any cookie dough I’ve made cookie dough in the world. Of course it was though. Because I wanted a calm experience. It was still calm. But I’ve never ground almonds or had SUCH a sticky wet dough. It’s currently chilling. We shall see what that does. Harden up the butter for sure.

Let’s talk about issues with sweets. I like to say I don’t binge eat. But I will not waste a single one of these cookies. I will have a tummy ache. I will hate life once they’ve hit my stomach but I could taste sweets forever. I will probably eat them in one to two sittings. As many at a time as I can. I have mixed feelings about this. I need the weight. I don’t need the pain. But I KNOW I’ll eat them. If they turn out ….

Yay! They’re cute at least.

And here are two things I’ve learned….I am more inclined to eat off a plate that I find aesthetically pleasing. *swoons over Harrison Ford*

And if you are making “wells” with a wooden spoon end in some cookies…. Flour that wooden spoon end.

I baked these pretty late so I’m using that as an excuse to not spoil my dinner cause I haven’t eaten dinner even though it is 8:11. But time is a social construct right?

Cookie tried. Dinner spoilt. Jk it’ll be fine. Okay. Thoughts… the textures are IT for me. I always love raspberry. But. I couldn’t super taste the cinnamon or lemon that was in the cookie. The cinnamon more so when it was cookie alone no raspberry. But the book did say a pinch and I don’t know what that means. Depends on who I’m pinching. And to be fair the lemon wasn’t fresh so that whole grating thing was a sad attempt at best.

Okay now for my safe dinner. And then more cookies. How many cookies will I eat? What is your guess? Did that one count? Should I bake fruit bread in my skill level or cake that is decidedly not next?

[meandfood]

Did you know…tomato knives are also called witches. Did you know there were tomato knives?

Hello again. I’m currently hungry. I Can feel hunger at this current moment of 7:41 am. But I cannot eat because I need to take my thyroid medication and wait an hour. But I can’t take my thyroid medication because I’m waiting for my anxiety medication to have its proper time. That definitely throws off the day for me eating wise. A problem that needs a solution. I’ll think on it

Okay let’s make IRISH SODA BREAD!

I’m waiting for the oven to heat for my Irish soda bread. Kitchen witchery engage. Although. I feel I do a lot wrong. I don’t know what the dough is supposed to look like. It’s not smooth like the book said. It was very sticky.

I will say though…I did aerate my flour. Which I read in the book that’s too heavy to hold near-bouts.

Now we wait. While I get woo woo skip ahead if you want.

This bread will connect me to my ancestors who made bread on the daily probably. It will ground me and fill my metaphorical cup. If it goes well I will need to just surrender more. If not… there’s a lesson I’m sure.

Okay! I see you, Irish soda bread.

Lessons learned… sift. Don’t use a broken ass spatula and mix a little more.

I’m having three pieces. One half plain half butter. One cream cheese and raspberry jam. One half raspberry jam half cream cheese and raspberry jam.

It’s dense. Is it supposed to be dense. I think. Yeah. It’s not a yeast bread. So less dense than cake more so than yeast bread. The crust ain’t playing though. Crispy crunchy. I also love that it took like an hour and was adapted from an Irish lady’s 1800s cookbook.

I see it with soups and sandwiches. What else do you use bread for. Eating with jam and butter. Cause that raspberry jam just set it off. I’m typing this as I’m taking bites. It’s making me think about the food. How it tastes. That it has a taste and texture. I swallow what food I do eat whole like a snake. Probably doesn’t help with my digestive issues. Hey let’s eat delicious homemade bread and talk about digestive issues.

Anyways. I’m not sure this bake would win me star baker but it’s the second type of bread I’ve ever made.

And the most important thing is I am eating.

[meandfood]

This one is going to be wordy.

Hello. I’m Jessica and I have some shit going on. This is supposed to be about my relationship with food so I’ll stick to that.

I have disordered eating.

Ouch. I’ve probably said that one other time. Ever. I make a lot of excuses. “It’s not ME because the meds (I’ve got some medical things… multiple sclerosis to name just one) messed up my stomach”…. Aka I don’t feel hunger until I’m nauseous. Which is true.

But it’s deeper. It’s longer. I grew up pretty poor. Still poor by the way. My family never went out to eat but I remember eating free cereal at the college my mothers husband was a security guard at. My mother would sometimes get taco bell after church and say to me “we have sandwich stuff at the house” when we really didn’t. An exciting dessert was dipping white bread in syrup. So what then? Scarcity food complex and some complex I don’t know the wording for that has to do with my basic needs not being met.

And then… when I was pretty young I started getting pretty sick. A doctor told me about food triggers and ever since then I’ve spiraled for around 30 years.

Won’t eat: msg, soy, too much dairy, tomato sauces, chocolate, peanuts, green candy, yeast extract, and MANY MANY MORE things. All because at one point I felt they were associated with a health episode.

Oh and I’m vegetarian.

My current diet quiet literally is as follows. Around 12 I eat a tortilla with cheese, tortilla chips, possibly a soft pretzel, and handfuls of dry cereal. Sometimes I’ll mix it up and have a baked potato. Like a couple times a month at most. Then I pass the fuck out. Dinner happens anywhere from 9-11 pm. It is always a tortilla with quinoa beans quac and cheese. I eat it with tortilla chips. Then I binge dry cereal almond butter and Graham crackers till I once again pass out. And I always wake up anxious and nauseated. Like I’ve eaten sharp bricks.

I weigh 103 lbs. I am 5foot7. Just for posterity. I don’t want to be this size personally. I’d like to get about 30lbs on at least.

So I’m going to cook. I’m going to eat. I don’t know how to do either of those things. So I did what no one does anymore and went to the bookstore.

I think these are fucking gold and together they were under $20. Thanks used book store.

The new professional chef one is daunting.

There is that much to learn before I even touch a knife. And a lot of food issues to be dealt with along the way. Gods I hope I keep this up.

But while I read:learn all that up there… I’ll hop on into how to bake… first up… IRISH SODA BREAD! Hey I’m Irish. I’ve never had Irish soda bread and the only bread I’ve made is a basic rustic loaf but I’ve got buttermilk in the fridge so stay tuned…

🖤

Ps: if you have issues with food… let’s chat.