meanderingthoughtsofthewretched

[meanderingthoughtsofthewretched]

kind of crazy how they drop this bar like 20 minutes into the game. let me get up let me get uppp

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[meanderingthoughtsofthewretched]

LISTEN UP MOTHER FUCKERS

SEE THIS WEBSITE? 

ITS CALLED WOLFRAM ALPHA

THIS IS THE BEST GODDAMN WEBSITE FOR ACADEMIC SHIT. FUCK GOOGLE. 

THIS MOTHERFUCKER WILL LET YOU SEARCH “HOSPITAL BEDS IN CHAD VS. IRAN” 

AND IT GIVES YOU A STRAIGHT GODDAMN ANSWER 

MAYBE YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED IN DOCTORNESS OF THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES COOL SHIT 

HAVING TROUBLE WITH MATH?

HOLY SHIT

OR MAYBE YOU WANNA DICK AROUND

WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT

[meanderingthoughtsofthewretched]

When can I be the one to hurt my ankle in a beautiful cave is what I’m saying. When will I be the one who persevered without the vitamin. Yknow.

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no matter how hard i try i will always be that little girl wondering why everyone is better friends with eachother than her and begging to be loved

[meanderingthoughtsofthewretched]

See the thing is that if you keep saying "I bet everyone hates me I'm so annoying" is that its annoying. And people hate it. So it's a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy isn't it. You know what's also a self fulfilling prophecy? Acting like you're hot shit until you become hot shit

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Friend: Hey, how are you doing?

Me: I’m doing okay, how are you?

Me, eleven hours later: I wish I had said “bad” and then collapsed to the ground like a marionette with cut strings, sobbing until I threw up.

[meanderingthoughtsofthewretched]

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Sorry to break yall's hearts but this is too well written of a post to not include in here.

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Anyone else stuck in a freeze response for years and years and years and years

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“I don’t know what my goals are, no. Thanks for asking.”

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2020

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I lied. Friend rant is now because I can’t get it out of my head.

Hey do I have friends that don’t seem like they actually want to hang out with me?

Because I ask so much to hang out that I feel desperate and annoying, so I stop, only to have no one reach out back to me. Seriously, it is kinda petty, but I looked back in my messages for the past 6 months or so, since I moved to my apartment, and you know what? We have only hung out 17 times. And out of those, 8 were initiated by me inviting people out, 4 were me doing a favor for someone, one was a holiday, one was prep for a holiday, two were open invitations for people to hang out that were in the group chat, and one was from me literally begging to hang out, so I guess that technically falls in the first category.

I even with through DMs, and not once was I invited for anything, hell only one person out of the whole group actually initiated any conversation with me. Everyone else only responded to me.

It.

It really fucking hurts man.

Like, the others talk to one another, I know they do. So why? Why do I not get that same treatment? Why do I feel so left out???

Hell, even in the next bit, everyone else will be going to ren faire without me.

Again. For like the third fucking time.

All because I live justtt far enough away for it to be inconvenient now.

So I just have to watch from the sidelines with a smile because I don’t want to be a burden, because I’ve been taught that that is the worst thing you could possibly be.

And, of course, when I try to plan shit like that people hem and haw and act like making an actual plan is horrible, and then cancel on me anyways. But they can plan it in one day.

When I have things that mess with plans I’m expected to work around it. Dnd every other Sunday? But I’m not in town? Oh that’s fine, just call in and figure out what’s going on by sound alone when this group communicates by sight a lot, it’s ok!!! You can do it!! You’ll feel like a lonely bug on the wall not actually participating at all, but that’s fine!!! :) :) :)

Maybe we can move it to this date? I have worked my ass off to be in town then. Hmm?? No, fuck you were don’t feel like it, scream inside and suffer and come again some other time :) :) :)

And of if I say anything, then I’m the bitch.

I know I live far.

I know it’s hard.

But for the love of anything, could you please try and include me??? Make me actually feel like you want *me* there instead of being a body filling a space.

Because it damn sure doesn’t feel like it.

Unless I’m organizing and hosting, or doing someone a favor, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it.

[meanderingthoughtsofthewretched]

Back again.

Another night staying up way too late crying because am I’m trying to fall asleep my brain starts dredging up shit. I was done literally less than an hour ago, but now? Crying again and I know I won’t stop for a while unless I actively distract myself, so might as well type here.

I guess I’ll start with the big one. I was not accepted into grad school. Again. For the *third fucking year in a row*. When I first got the news I was sad, sure, but more than that I was just pissed. I tried *so fucking hard* because *no one* was helping me. I don’t know what people want, what they expect, and I’m just flailing around in the dark.

Yeah, I know the first year was my bad. In my defense, I had not clue what I was doing. I spent wayyyyy too long studying for the stupid fuckjng GRE (why the shit do they have math that I haven’t seen since 7th grade????) and not near enough time on the statement of purpose, cv, or resume. But also in my defense, I didn’t know what schools I was trying to apply for because I was *literally* told certain ones I was not allowed to go to (which I bet my dad conveniently forgot he did) and then the ones I found I was told sucked ass. By the time I was told this (because of course no one fucking told me on their own, I had to fuck up first) it was too late to apply for any of the good ones. Yes, I was someone picky, but god forbid the tiny short ass 100 pound soaking wet sheltered kid not want to go across country **by herself** with *no drivers license or car* and no experience living in an apartment. So I applied to where I could and crossed my fingers.

Obviously, that didn’t work out. Year two, I tried to go for one school only, that way I could tailor my letter better. I thought I did good, but the panic attacks I got any time o tried to work on it made it take too long, and one of my profs didn’t get their letter of recommendation in on time, this I was auto denied. Which sucks, but I understood why.

So try again! Except, the time when I could have been connecting with profs, and writing, I had to spend relearning how to drive and then actually taking the damn test. Fuck, I hated that entire experience. I was constantly anxious and panicked, crying myself to sleep most nights and struggling to hold it together in front of my parents, who were acting like it was the easiest thing in the world to do and didn’t understand why I was struggling. I had to redo everything because wow! Paperwork can expire! And when I last did all of this *two fucking years earlier* they didn’t help me, and left me to flounder. I don’t know why they thought I could magically learn how to drive a car without *being in one* but I guess it didn’t matter that much to them until it was an inconvenience and actually affected them.

Anyways, this year I don’t know why I didn’t get it. I can only guess. Was it because I only had one bio prof, and the other two were other branches? (Earlier prof who got in late decided she just… didn’t want to, and made it my problem because she also took almost a month to answer me, requiring me to find a prof that was willing to write on an incredibly short notice.) Was it because it was turned in close to the deadline? If so, why have the deadline there??? It makes no sense. And I hate that it is during winter break, because if something goes wrong you have to work your ass off to get anyone to answer you about stuff. I also couldn’t show that I was upset, or worried, because that might have made my lil sister upsetti about going back for another semester 🙃

Every single. Fucking. Time I have any problems, someone else has it worse so I have to bite my tongue to not make it worse *for them*. Especially the bean. Jesus I hate that I’m here essentially as an emotional support sister, because my parents were tired of her losing her shit at the smallest things.

And yet!!! She has her life together!! Holy fuck! She’s got a car that she likes that she is confortable driving, a boyfriend who is willing to come see her at the drop of a hat, friends who she regularly sees and hangs out with and are willing to take her places, gaming consoles that are just hers, and a place to stay that is away from parents and where she feels she can be herself. She’s got a job and an internship *paid*, like **well paid** coming up that will likely lead her to other jobs, profs that like her and have said they are willing to write her recommendations, and it’s all been handed to her on a fucking platter.

I was not allowed to learn how to drive until now, much less have a car. No significant other to see or hang with. Friends are far away and don’t bother initiating contact (I have a whole rant saved for later about that). I’ve literally never had my own console to play on, they have all been shared and eventually taken away by my siblings, much less the tv and projector she has. I feel trapped here, and watched. I was literally not allowed to have a job and now can’t do anything because the walkable things are for students only and *I don’t have a fucking car*. One of my profs straight up said she doesn’t want to bother writing for me anymore because I’m not worth it. Basically any opportunity in college was squashed thanks to COVID and me not taking a year off when I should have. And now all opportunities are limited to students so I can’t even get any more experience to try and because a student to actually move on in life. And I just??? What the fuck am I supposed to do??? All I can do is cry.

I haven’t told my dad yet, I have no idea how he will take it. He will probably get mad.

My mum actually had the gall to ask me if I actually want to get a masters. I told her yes, but in reality?? How the fuck should I know??? I was never allowed to have a damn opinion about things involving my life, why start now?? She was the one who decided my life path, hell she tried to decide that for all my siblings, and I was the only one who didn’t say no. So, no, I don’t know if I actually want this, I don’t know what I want to do at all, this is her dream. Be been so damn depressed for so long, all I want is to have a stable life.

All I want is somewhere to live with people I choose, who I don’t feel obligated to take care of, a stable job that pays decently so I can occasionally get things I like, and isn’t soul crushing, a car that gets me places safely, and the ability to breathe without being constantly stressed out.

Is that really so much to ask???

I’ll do the friend rant later, but I’m. Too tired. It took over an hour to write this and it’s just ramble at this point.

Fuck

[meanderingthoughtsofthewretched]

Been a while. Thought I could keep up with this, but quickly realized that was not gonna happen.

I don’t even know why I’m typing here, no one’s gonna read this. Screaming into the void I guess.

Been real down recently, I say as if it hasn’t been the same for the past,,, years.

Tomorrow, or rather today I guess is supposed to be happy. I *should* be feeling better.

I finally applied for a job, but haven’t heard back in a while so I probably didn’t get it.

I actually managed to get over my fear of fucking everything up and emailed a professor to talk about grad school. I’m so scared.

School was my strong suit, what made me ‘special’ amongst my siblings, but now,,, I’ve nearly been out of college longer than I was in it. I can feel how disappointed my dad is. I’m doing my best to hold together but I know he thinks I’m a failure. My sisters are doing so much better than I am.

I recently babysat my nephew and it feels like my older sister has her life figured out. Had a good job, married, bought a house, has a kid, and I feel the pressure to walk in her shoes. She went from college to a job so fast and I just,,, stagnated. Everything was looking so bringing in college but I had another person tied to my ankles pulling me down the entire time.

I wish I never met her to be honest. I fucking hate her. Everything I complain about in my life I can directly tie to her.

Can’t drive? Well your parents didn’t want to teach you with her here because then she would be on the insurance while practicing. Because your sister wanted to sabotage you because she didn’t like her, she convinced your parents that she would fuck everything up, and so you don’t get to go to driving school. What’s that? You need to know that to do basically anything? And you’re already horribly anxious about being behind and scared of driving in general? Ehhhh you’re *fineeee* get in that big metal machine and go!!

Falling behind socially and educationally? Well she did cling to you and got mad whenever you went anywhere without her, also driving home a fear of being alone outside even during the day. Whenever you wanted to see friends you had to take her along with you, and if she picked a fight with your friends then you can’t see them anymore. After school clubs? Not without her! If she doesn’t want to go outside, then neither can you! What’s that? Now you have nothing for a resume, which makes getting into grad school a lot harder? Sucks to suck! You offered to take care of her for the rest of your life when you extended a hand to her in a time of need, didn’t you know that? That you would be responsible for her actions even though you have no control of her and she’s literally a completely independent person? Comes with it and you should have known better.

Having to rekindle all familial relationships? Well she did do her best to drive a wedge in between you and everyone in your family. If they didn’t immediately like her then they were evil narcissists, all of them, and she was only trying to help you, you poor thing, you didn’t even know any better, and she knew best! Doesn’t matter that before she got there and after she left things were quiet and calm and people were communicating just fine, the horrible *horrible* years of everyone acting terrible in response to her actions were because they were simply all evil, and if you try to defend them in the slightest, that makes you evil too.

And she tried so hard to convince you to love her, knowing that you never felt a thing toward her but compassion and pity. You were friends! But she wanted you to be her knight in shining armor saving her and living happy every after. But to do that you have to have an enemy to fight, so that made anyone a target. And you have to defend her constantly, because if you don’t she threatens suicide, constantly letting you know how depressed she is, and how if you were to ever leave she doesn’t know how she could live without you. So sacrifice everything, know only her, and force yourself to be content because that’s the best you’re gonna get.

So it’s only natural that when you finally go separate ways, the biggest emotion was relief. You no longer have to shoulder her emotions on top of yours. You’re free.,,, at least until you’re strapped to your little sister and have to be in charge of her now.

Reminders of her are everywhere, though. From your cookware, to the way you cut everything small because her precious and precocious stomach couldn’t handle literally any vegetables unless disguised or too small to pick out, to the decorative objects that you kept that were also useful, to anyone taking about their mental state because you had to constantly be aware of hers, because if you weren’t she would take it out on you one way or another.

I didn’t even wish her a happy birthday this year. It’s so funny that no one else did either. I hope she continues to be lonely, because anytime someone conflicts with her worldview she pushed them out of her life. I wonder if the yahoos will remember my birthday. It makes me laugh (because if I don’t I will certainly cry) that all it took, after years of her looming over me, to get her to willingly leave, was to put my foot down over my birthday. She couldn’t get over her discomfort for even an hour to come by and hang out, and when I got upset, she pulled away. I forced myself to abandon things that made me happy, literally dreading coming home because of the horrid atmosphere that she created, for *years* and she couldn’t manage an hour. Not even five minutes really.

And when she saw me later she was needlessly antagonistic, defensive, and sharp. We were gathered to play a game, and like always she was competitive to the point where she got pissed off and I started to get that pull at my stomach again, that fear that she was gonna explode. I wasn’t even playing. The others were competitive sure, but there was no edge of anger to it. The others can lose with grace, but not her. She laughs it off but I recognize the setting of her jaw and the look in her eyes. I can laugh now, because reasonably, all she could have done was kill the vibe and I could leave. Thankfully I think she doesn’t have that power over me anymore. She’s never tried to reach out to me, and I kinda hope it stays that way.

It’s late. Yet another night of pointlessly staying up thinking of time long past. At least it’s out of my head now.