mcvfd

[mcvfd]

S05E04: The Gang Remembers They’re Rich

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a fort full of mercenaries. Nissa turns a horse into a chicken.

TL;DR: Carlos rejoins the mercenaries in the fort and spreads word the boss has been arrested. Averlyth, Nissa, and Um arrest the alchemist on his daily horse ride, and then confront the mercs in the fort. Carlos convinces the mercs to switch sides by paying them to watch the fort until the Drakeguard arrives to distribute the cure. The gang heads back to base, where they level up their magic items and accept their next assignment.

Background:

We confronted Talldic! We have no idea where he went, but we saw a red horse tattoo on him before leaving.

We snuck into the fort - didn't seem like anyone was alerted about what's happened - and got lots of evidence about who was behind it all.

Session:

The group tries to figure out what our goal is here - are we trying to fight the whole fort? Are we trying to arrest the alchemist? Are we trying to bring the cure to the victims of the disease? We contemplate how many people we can beat up at a time.

Averlyth remembers that we haven't actually revealed anything about what we know or who we are, so Carlos could walk into the fort as if he had completed his job fine. Nissa point out that [retcon] we have seen the alchemist going on morning rides on his horse alone, so we could consider ambushing him and delivering him to the field office (while in doubt of where or how to arrest someone).

Um questions what could happen in the 4 days we'd be absent from the fort, and then Nissa notes that she suspects the alchemist is really the only one that knows what was going on (and that the others are only really just there for the paycheck). So Carlos proposes telling everyone that the paychecks are gone after he "witnessed Talldic getting arrested", Nissa proposes buying them off to continue guarding the fort so we can properly disperse the cure to the people.

The group has decided to have Carlos on the inside, then Nissa, Averlyth and Um will capture and arrest the alchemist when he's on one of his rides, alone and unescorted. Carlos's story would be that Talldic got arrested, and Kanye with him.

Carlos walks in alone. The guard asks him how it went. Carlos spins the story about how he went out for a smoke while meeting the boss and then the police showed up. Carlos says he's a bit worried about what's going on, as well as whether or not he'll get paid, says he'll have to dip if anything suspicious happens.

The guard believes him and says he understands, says they hadn't gotten paid in a week, and tells him to go get some stew. Carlos goes to the mess hall and then talks about the story a few more times. The guys there are believing him; they're used to being screwed over.

--- back to the rest of the group –-

Nissa is very excited to try and polymorph something. Um, Averlyth and Nissa rush over to the alchemist and horse at 11AM with a plan to jump him, and then Nissa yells out "mURDERER" and accidentally polymorphs the horse into a chicken instead.

Um and Averlyth have a brief moment where they can't figure out how exactly to subdue someone without killing them, and then Um goes over and stabs the dude in the leg. The alchemist howls in pain. Averlyth tries to cast hold person on him, but he shrugs it off, still very unhappy.

The alchemist curses, pulls the dagger out of his leg, and then starts muttering some wizardspeak to seal the wound on his leg, and then a ripple of energy appear over him. Averlyth recognizes it as magearmor.

Um stabs him in the general body area. The alchemist howls again, going "ARGHH STOP THAT."

Nissa calms the alchemists emotions. He's looking around very confused. Averlyth walks over between him and the fort, trying to get his attention. Nissa tries to convince him to come quietly, though it doesn't work and he starts looking for a way out.

Before he can run, Um knocks him to the ground; Um goes to grapple him, but the alchemist is scrabbling out of it, getting ready to stand up. Nissa slows him; Averlyth tries to grapple him as well, but he is able to crawl away. It's probably because it's raining and it's all muddy and the guy is gross.

The alchemist mutters something and then he's disappeared - turns out he's now invisible, though we can still see muddy footsteps and hear noises. Um goes to swing a sword at where he was, but doesn't make contact.

Nissa farts in her hand and waves it over to the area where the alchemist is.... which is also where Um and Averlyth are. Averlyth spends the next 6 seconds unable to really do anything other than focus on not puking. The alchemist retches for 6 seconds. Um is full on puking.

Nissa whispers a song about how proud she is about her bad gas, dealing psychic damage to the alchemist. Averlyth, the alchemist, and Um are all still damaged by the gas cloud.

Nissa tried to tell a joke about her farts, but the alchemist strongly disliked it and it did nothing. Averlyth tried to get up, but then caught a fresh whiff and was incapacitated for a few seconds again. The alchemist continues puking, while Um successfully picks himself up and goes to swing at him again with his sword and dagger. The alchemist yells "GODDAMMIT I-I-I give up! I'm done!".

The alchemist becomes visible again and we tie up his hands, and then the group walks over to the fort. Everyone sees us heading up, and Nissa yells "HEY!!!" as we walk up: "This man has been arrested for crimes against humanity! He's been conspiring to "

Carlos nudges the guy next to him saying "See?? I told you this shit was going down."

Within the fort, all the guards have come out and are worried about what's going down. Carlos manages to convince everyone that he can talk to "the police", represent the group. We briefly discuss our story - the alchemist (gagged) starts making a lot of annoyed noises when he realizes that it's only the four of us - and then Carlos goes back to the group, saying that the authorities were willing to work with the guards if they continue to guard the place, and if they arrest the boss if they show up. He completely convinces them that it's a raise and good for their careers. Everyone is digging it, although then they ask when they're getting paid. Carlos goes and grabs some gold from the "authorities" to pay the guards 5 gold now, 5 gold when we get back.

We give Doug the Thug a fartie talkie, tell the group he's in the charge ("See? Someone's already gotten promoted"), and then go to Baldur's Gate where we turn over the evidence to the Chief Detective of the city. We give them Talldic's address and enough info for them to arrest the alchemist on the spot. While we haven't yet caught Talldic, he won't be able to go back to his house anytime soon, we're freezing a lot of his assets.

The group goes to the field office next, explaining the situation. While the field office doesn't have much in the way of security personnel, they are able to step in and seize control over the fort and possibly even using Talldic's company itself for the distribution. We go back to the fort to pay the remainder of the gold and to say good byes, and to also let them know that Carlos had "joined" us, and that we are leaving the fartie talkie with them.

Carlos adds "mercenary contact" to the band fund - we may now contact Douglas the Thuglas for hiring buddies for jobs.

The group teleports back to the neverwinter field office. This office contains:

The director of field operations: Stacy Rebecca Hamm, a tall thin dragonborn woman that is decisive, motivated, and completely devoted to the dragon queen's mission. She will be debriefing us soon (and was the one that gave us the mission to begin with).

The quartermaster: Q! We know him.

The head of research: Everest von Spookington the 4th, a ghost librarian that's been haunting the places for forever, although he's losing it a bit. Fortunately, his assistant, Bobby, can help get us whatever we need.

A medic: Doctor Proctor, the guy that was selling anal lube in the sewers, has gone a long way and is now in charge of medical services. It's a little awkward that we just arrested his brother, the "Professor" Proctor (who is not a professor)

A mage: Polly, a beholder, who's in charge of spellcasting services. A primordial creature of chaos from another existence, who finds our existences cute.

Ms. Hamm seemed adequately satisfied. She had noted that this was a test and said we had passed, and passed us over to Q to level up our magical bracers.

Each of now may choose a power to cast once a day.

Nissa: That's a Good Point, Actually - You or any ally automatically succeed on your next charisma check.

Um: Sneaky Fucker - You may choose to gain +10 to your own stealth checks, or focus your efforts on helping your team, so you and all allies gain +5. Lasts for one hour.

Carlos: Shake It Off - Grant yourself or any ally an immediate saving throw, healing surge (spend up to half their hit dice + Con), and action (without changing their initiative order).

Averlyth: Director's Shield - The Director’s power shields you from all harm, or grants you and all your allies resistance to all damage types. Lasts until the end of your next turn.

On the Job Board, we find three new jobs:

Mysterious Drug - a new drug is sweeping through decadent cities, known for producing euphoria and terrifying nightmares. The Dragon Queen wants to know the origin of the drug.

Druid Attacks  - the mayor of a small town is offering a reward for why the neighboring druid tribe has been sending wild animals to attack the town.

Extradition - a man offer powerful knowledge about a cult for help escaping the compound

We have selected job #2!

[mcvfd]

S05E03: Don't you want to report the OTHER crime?

Kanye is outraged by a villian’s lack of respect. Nissa gets really into erotic sketching. Averlyth forgot she knows how to teleport.

TL;DR: Carlos and Kanye confront Taldic, but it doesn’t go well. In the ensuing brawl, he escapes, revealing a tattoo of a red horse head. Meanwhile, Averlyth, Nissa, and Um sneak into the second warehouse, and recover proof that Taldic is behind the poisonings. The gang prepares to roll up on the fort.

Background:

We received our first assignment from the Queen Dragon, to investigate a series of deliberate poisonings in the water.

Um had been looking into it previously, so he filled the group in about what he's found so far, and then the group went upstream to find the source of the poison. Group steals some cures from the warehouse, go to the town that's the source, then Carlos and Kanye get a job that goes back to the warehouse, Kanye then knocks himself out running into a building (claiming he saw puppies).

The party decides to split - Carlos and Kanye goes back to town to confront the TL (the person in the note), and the rest of the group are going to stay on the hill for combat if necessary.

Session:

Group finalizing strategy

Deciding to talk to Talldic as if we had poured the poison in

Contacting group 2 with fartie talkies

In the field office, there is:

A director that we report to

A medic

Head of magic

Quartermaster

Resources that could be provided

Logistical assistance (i.e. distrubtion of medicine)

Military assistance (minimal)

Um: That's what I'm worried about, we're sending away the people that are good at breaking into forts

Um: Can we set ground rules not to burn down the fort?

Averlyth: Kanye.....

Kanye: Kanye promises not to burn down the fort.

DM: Sir, there's a drunk bard at the door?

Group planning

Kanye and Carlos will go to the town and confront the guy that wants to meet them for pouring the poison into the river

Nissa will drink

She starts doing character sketches of all the guards

She ends up seeing hot guys working out and starts drawing hotter sketches

Averlyth memorizes the guard rotation

The group realizes no one knows what Talldic actually looks like

Um describes it based off of the portraits

Apparently he looks like a tall dick with a weasley mustache

DM: I mean, you guys don't know what he looks like because this is a second-hand description from a painting?

Kanye and Carlos will go down to the river to hang out to see if anyone is watching

At midnight they're going to dump Carlos's pee into the river

Apparently he had asparagus

Nothing remarkable happens during the day - they don't see anyone observing them

Kanye and Carlos loudly pour "The Poison" into the river (or rather, Woodhouse does it for them) and then they saunter over to the High Life Wine & Dispensary.

Carlos shouts "I need some tall dick"

Turns out Talldic has bouncers, who escort Kanye and Carlos over to his booth

Kanye tests the table - it is bolted to the floor

Talldic narrows his eyes at the two of them: "How did you know that name?"

Kanye: "The alchemist at the warehouse told us the name"

Note: The alchemist did not. But Kanye did not actually know that.

Talldic squints, but waves it off and then asks about the job.

Carlos goes: "What job? You mean your ingenious plan?"

Kanye goes: "We don't know anything! We poured the, uh, vial thing."

Talldic tells the bouncers to get rid of "these two assholes".

The bouncer tries to lift Kanye out of the bench, but he keeps himself seated with his legs, rattling it a bit. The bartender starts looking over at the noise; the drunk girls haven't noticed, a guy with a joint starts heading out.

Kanye: "Hey man, we were going to get paid."

Carlos: "Hey actually we know what's up with your scheme and we want more lofty positions within your organization".

Talldic isn't actually listening and has been angrily asking the bouncers why they haven't been escorted out yet.

A bouncer goes for Kanye's face.

Carlos turns to Kanye and gives the codeword, "Queens" - which means to just get the fuck out

Kanye decides to attempt to flip the table [while taking the punch]

First attempt fails

Second attempt flips a plate of chicken and hits a drunk girl

The girl that got hit is crying because her makeup and hair took a long time

Her sassy friend walks over going what the fuck is wrong with you

Carlos heads on out with a "We'll be in touch"

The sassy drunk girl goes to the door but doesn't follow the two outside

Kanye attempts to flirt

The sassy drunk girl angrily follows Kanye outside and continues yelling

Carlos carves a pipe out of a pear that kind of looks like a teddy bear and she calms the fuck down and accepts the peace offering

Carlos: I'm stealthy, I don't know if you're stealthy

Kanye: I'm stealthy if I stay very still

Kanye: I'm going to do my best impression of Um and climb on top of something and watch.

Also Kanye: I don't know much about being sneaky but I know a really sneaky guy and this is what he would do.

The group decides we've identified enough evidence to arrest the guy

The group contemplates if this is the first time that Kanye's degree of pedigree will be of use

Kanye: It's time to invoke some privilege, Woodhouse!

Carlos: Typical rich kid.

Kanye: I'm here to report a crime! I am Kanye from the house of Cantaliber and I just had a table thrown on me!

Deputy: Oh yes, at the low life? It happens all the time.

Kanye: Right! So we need to send people to arrest the man that assaulted me.

Carlos: Don't you want to report the other crime?

The deputy is weirded the fuck out by Kanye but doesn't disbelieve him exactly, so he decides to go wake up the Sheriff, Sheriff Deputy. Not to be confused with his assistant, Deputy Sheriff.

Kanye immediately proclaims he is part of a secret group.

Kanye has failed many rolls but is too noble to be arrested despite his drunkenness.

Deputy and Sheriff escort Kanye to the Low Life bar, and then Kanye interrupts saying it's the wrong bar, and then calls out for Carlos, who was across the street from the High Life anyways.

Carlos explains about the infiltration to investigate the poisoning, using all his big words and saying "Officer" a lot.

The Sheriff still barely understands him.

Then, Talldic and the two bouncers walk out of the High Life.

The Sheriff calls Talldic over.

Sheriff: "I'm so sorry sire, these guys have been telling me that you're like the head of the criminal organization?"

Talldic looks like a smug motherfucker

Carlos immediately cuts him off and says: "My associates are clearing out your warehouse right now."

A momentary flash of worry and annoyance flashes across his face and he starts to walk away, very vocally annoyed.

The Sheriff tries to call him back, but Talldic continues with the scathing "I don't have to deal with this bullshit", threatens to fire the Sheriff, how he's a lawabiding citizen, etc.

The Sheriff no longer has sympathy for Talldic, but isn't that confident about going after him with the two burly guys right next to him.

Kanye: Sheriff, I would like to be deputized to arrest this citizen.

Talldic rolls his eyes and turns and walks away and tells the bouncers to deal with it. The two guards roll up on Kanye and Carlos, pull out hatchets, and start going at it.

Kanye fucks the guy in front of him right up til he's all bloody and then trips him

Carlos arcs a badass lighting bolt but it sails past the guy down the alley

The Sheriff decides to arrest the thugs

He runs to the guy in front of Carlos and hits him over the head

The Deputy decides to arrest Kanye and Carlos

He goes to hit Kanye but Kanye is so well-armored it doesn't really do anything

The bouncer on the ground gets up and goes after Kanye, who gets hit but then wrenches the hatchets out of his hands and throws them back at him.

Then Kanye pushes him off balance, although he doesn't hit the deputy like he's aiming.

The bouncer in front of Carlos knocks Carlos down to 0 health and then hits the Sheriff once.

Kanye takes off towards Talldic, screaming "FREEZE, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST" and holding two hatchets.

Talldic runs faster

Kanye tries to grapple Talldic, who slithers his way out and just manages to escape the hold and take off running. Kanye does manage to rip his shirt off, which exposes a picture of a large red horsehead tattoo on his chest.

Kanye runs back to the fight, where Carlos is lying on the ground, drops the hatchets to pull out a glaive and makes a goading attack on the bouncer.

Kanye: And your mother was a- wait how does it go? .... Woodhouse, line!

Both of the bouncers see their boss heading out and try to escape after him.

Kanye stabs at the guy who was attacking Carlos - they don't die, but they're looking pretty bad.

Kanye: I do have a potion of healing!

DM: lol Kanye drinks it.

Kanye: I pour one out for my homey!

Kanye pours a healing potion down Carlo's throat.

Sheriff now believes them and asks where they're heading.

Sheriff: How are you going to notify your compatriots?

Carlos: We have ways.

Kanye: We have scornful crows!

Carlos elects to use the fartie talkie to communicate to the other half of the party that the plan didn't really go that well.

Kanye tries to get deputized again

Kanye and Carlos make a way to the stables on the nicer side of town to see if they can intercept Talldic

There is no sign of action

Kanye: Is there a stablehand around?

DM: At 3 in the morning? No.

Kanye: So these are free horses then?

Kanye: He's been dealt with! All that's left is the warehouse.

DM: In what way has he been dealt with??

Kanye: I have his shirt!

Kanye describes the ripped shirt and tattoo over the walkie talkies

Nissa doesn't quite recall anything specific enough that matches the tattoo, despite being very well read about the matter - seems to imply the tattoo is for a secret org?

Group planning

Carlos and Kanye will clean up and rest

Nissa, Um and Averlyth will break into the warehouse

Um: So we've established that I can move under the cover of daylight. Wait, I mean..

Carlos: Yeah the other thing.

Nissa and Averlyth both tripped and stumbled on the way into warehouse with the cure, which made Um so so so nervous, but no one was actually alarmed.

They climb down to the lab, and look around. They find alchemists notes (that contain the formula for the poison) as well as paperwork that confirms assumptions. They find more receipts and paperwork showing that Fresenius Restoration owns the area, and some correspondance with Alchemists and Talldic. Basically proof that we are correct.

Nissa files the paper under E for Evidence

It follows the Dewey Decimal System

Averlyth pockets a vial of the poison

To give Talldic a taste of their own poison, when we eventually catch him

Group brainstorming

Set a distraction?

Dig a tunnel?

Set the stables on fire?

Cast an illusion of stables on fire?

Leave erotic pictures in the warehouse?

Averlyth discovers she can teleport

New plan:

Um will sneak over to the Warehouse and find a way in

Then, Averlyth will take Nissa and teleport in

Um successfully sneaks over and discovers a roof access hatch at the top

No light is coming out of the building, there are no sounds

He opens up the hatch and the inside is pitch black

He climbs down the warehouse, and there is no one in there

He takes the lantern down to the lighting

This warehouse contains an even larger cache of the cure

Um: So I guess the question is can we leave and do something else?

DM: That is .. the question of this group.

No reason for Nissa and Averlyth to go into the warehouse after all.

Carlos and Kanye finish their long rest and make their way back to the fort

Agreed to just leave the fort tonight.

Basically nothing happens

The group reconvenes at the bluff

Basically nothing happens

To be continued...

[mcvfd]

S05E02: Don’t Drink the Water in Baldur’s Gate

Nissa gets drunk. Carlos drinks his own pee. Kanye sees a puppy. Um wonders if asking the gang for help was a mistake.

TL;DR: The gang’s first assignment is to investigate a disease outbreak that the Queen thinks is caused by a deliberate contamination. Um, having already investigated this, quickly helps the gang find evidence that the outbreak is being caused by Taldic Lowery of Fresenius Restoration, who has been stockpiling medicine to cure the disease.

Background:

Long story short, we're no longer wanted criminals! We got pardoned, had a party in the castle, Queen flirted with half of everyone and invites everyone to her room at night

Okay Queen isn't actually flirting with us, she's actually a dragon and has had her eye on us since Master P, had very mom things to say.

She's secretly running things as an effectively immortal being, "steering the ship" for humanity's own good. We've now joined a secret group of problem solvers, not quite special ops. It comes with perks!

We haven't been told who the baddies are exactly - there's an implication that there are other immortal beings who don't like order as much - but the queen's plans are so long term they won't have any impact on our lives anyways

We have some special equipment and a job ready for this session

Bracers/magical items:

Nissa got a sweet ass belt buckle in the shape of a dragon

Carlos got a lighter on a Beastie Boys style chain

Um got a ring

Averlyth got a dangling ear cuff

Kanye got horn-rimmed unassuming hipster eyeglasses

Our first assignment:

The dragon queen suspects that the recent outbreak of eyerot along the Crimmor river is caused by deliberate contamination. Your assignment is to investigate the epidemic, resolve as per code of ethics.

Um remembers relevant info from when he had gone home for therapy after we brutally murdered Burnie Cinders:

Um had discovered there were lots of blind people around, infected by this disease caused eyerot

He had discovered a company, Fresenius Restoration, had started up pop up clinics that only had cures that worked for a couple days

And then later he found the owner - Taldic Lawrey, broke into his house, found records of various properties they owned (including a house not in a major city)

And then he went there and found a bunch of eyebright - either a plant or the name of the potion you make from the plant - and essentially this company is hoarding it

So Um went back with some and distributed it to Baldur's Gate and then got frustrated and then teleported into the future

Jarrod: "I'd like to make a suit of armor that looks like a suit and tie

Scott: "There it is. Good to have you back, Jarrod"

We can use our teleporters to fast-travel to the Baldur's Gate field office whenever we'd like (DM’s note: This is not accurate. You can teleport once to get to your assignment, and once more to get back home when it’s over)

They have resources available for us, e.g. they can figure out a distribution method for the cure, they can hire lawyers

[The group is informed that the intent of the magical item is fast travel and not to game with the possibilities of teleportation]

Jarrod: You know, we could just sell the real cure

Scott: That's right, we think Fresenius is on the right track

Mart: This is what happens when a character misses out on the entire morality arc

Brainstorming

We could profit from selling the real cure

We could take over a pop up clinic and sell the real cure

We still don't know where eyerot is actually coming

The group fast travels first, works with the field office

Nissa asks for records of the infection

They don't have computers but they can send magic crows and gather the info in a few hour

Carlos proposes having Averlyth check out the water until the water isn't that fucked up

Averlyth proposes infiltrating the pop up clinics and replacing the temporary cures with the permanent one

Um regretfully informs Averlyth that the temporary cure is actually just healing from clerics, not a medicine

Carlos proposes having a concert to dose everyone with the permanent cure, with the Cure playing

Kanye immediately proposes breaking the game mechanic of teleportation to have Averlyth doing both healing and the searching

The group decides to head down to the river.

Averlyth uses some kind of detect magic to look at the contamination - there's all sorts of gross things in there, but there's something that's definitely poison, although very faint

We wander up river for a couple of hours, leaving the bounds of the city hiking through the field. The traces of contamination don't seem to be changing in intensity, pointing to a possible source much further up river. Seems to confirm that it's not natural.

A magical raven shows up that can talk, but chooses not to (Kanye: The raven peers at you in disdain). Nissa takes the scroll and thanks the bird, he sorta rolls his eye and leaves

The scroll tells us that the initial research is that the outbreak has been happening up and down the river and that the outbreak was stronger but less numerous upstream.

They were able to discover there were no outbreaks above the city of Elturel.

Nissa verifies with the DM that we can't just teleport to any field office that we want to

Kanye verifies with the DM that we didn't all just get free far-speech from the magical bracer

DM: I'm going to write a book called don't play D&D with engineers

Carlos verifies with the DM that a permanent cure does not make you immune to further infections

DM: I mean, if you get penicillin after the clap, you can still get the clap, right?

Steve: ....why are you asking me?

Um reads off a possibly stolen scroll, reciting the background of eyerot and eyebright for the group in a dry doctor's voice

Averlyth: So from now on, for the couple days trip, no one drink anything until I purify it

Nissa: What if we bring a keg?

Averlyth: I'm just offering my purification services, you don't have to take them

Carlos: Got it, I'll just drink my own pee

The group has learned that Kanye might have PTSD from Gorevan reanimating fish on the boat during the original trip away from Mulmaster

Nissa questions how the group is supposed to expense the wagon

Kanye questions the per diem

DM clarifies there is no per diem or reimbursement, we're paid via access to stuff and loot

Averlyth: Do they have a limo-sized wagon?

DM: They do now. There's a dude out back frantically nailing together three wagons

Um: And three horses

The group acquires a stretched horse cart and several kegs of the finest quality ale and no fish

The group decides to stop by the warehouse, Fort Morninglord, (couple days trip) before heading up river to the city that may be the source of the poison. The plan is for Um to steal some of the cure (again) overnight before we make our way up towards dangerous waters.

Nothing has changed since Um's last visit. He waits until there's a gap in the patrol, then makes his way in. He sees a large stockpile of what must be thousands of doses of cure, a whole assembly line for making potions and drying racks of the herb.

He loads up his bag of 30 doses (10 full cures) and gets out without being noticed in like 15 minutes, group has barely sat down.

The group continues to the village of Elturel. There's couple of taverns, some inns, a church - it's more like a stop on the road rather than a trading hub.

Averlyth goes to the river bank to detect the magic again - the poison is diluted still, but definitely stronger here. It stops just up river of the village.

Kanye: All right! Let's kill the mayor

Kanye thinks he's drunk holy water and there's a very strong placebo effect

Nissa pores over the research, noting that there was a spike in the infections every few days for a couple of months now, and the last one was under a week ago

It doesn't seem like there are any obvious tracks around the river

The group splits up in the village!

Carlos goes to the LO-LYF Pub

Carlos pretends to represent a chemical company trying to figure out how to dump shit

Everyone knows he's bullshitting, but it's just how these people talk, they get how it works. Doug the Thug (tattooed on his knuckles) with a weird ear and a scar over his eye talks to Carlos. Doug P Thug. Douglas Penelope Thug. Of the New Hampshire thugs.

Carlos is able to find out that a bunch of local guys have been taking work at a dilapidated fort a couple days down the road, mostly ferrying chemical and drugs of some sort (no body really knows what) to and from various cities

Carlos questions how the jobs are happening, Doug says it's mostly a word of mouth kind of thing. One of the guys was working for a buddy of his, just keeps going on and on.

Carlos offers a pomegranate pipe for more info on how to get this job

Doug reveals there's a crew of guys heading out in the morning for the fort, and that if you meet them on the road at sun-up, you could probably just tag along with them.

Carlos pays the dude's tab.

Doug: "Take her sleazy"

Nissa goes to the High-life wine & dispensary (across the street)

The people have no idea what's going on

The weed is very good

Nissa gets extra weed for Carlos

Averlyth goes to the church (not a church of Bane) and unceremoniously performs some blood sacrifice and possibly graffiti

Averlyth gets kicked out, but she didn't try to talk to anyone anyways so whatever

Averlyth looks around for a pop-up clinic to see if she can help and possibly get info

There are no pop-up clinics in town since it's too small, but the doctor lets her know that he's been referring people to the next town over

Um lurks quietly at the Lo-Lyf

Saw Carlos working the room

Continues lurking and listening

Kanye is posted at the river

Kanye keeps a very active eye on people coming and going

Kanye doesn't seem any nefarious types carrying a biohazard oil can or any trench coats (although it is 2 in the afternoon)

Kanye: Maybe they're just trying to figure out the permanent cure and they need help, they've been using the warehouse to try and figure it out

Averlyth: They're also just poisoning people

Kanye: You're right we should just kill them all

Carlos and Kanye decide to go for the job

the others will go on the party wagon and try to stealthily trail behind them by half a day or so

We may not actually be that stealthy, there's sorta glass rolling around on the floors and things

Carlos spots the guy nominally in charge of these dudes, there's like 4 or 5 of them. He gives them a super complicated handshake. Guy goes "who's your friend?"

Kanye keeps trying to raise his shield of pedigree and Carlos keeps pushing it back down

Carlos's rental horse is Hyundae Alantra

Kanye has a rental miniature giant horse (it's just a pony but it's fucking ripped)

We're not sure if there's a real horse or if it's just a cardboard box cutout of a horse

Woodhouse is making clopping noises with coconuts

Carlos and Kanye ride up to the front gate of the fort in the morning. They're welcomed in, recognized as friends of Doug the Thug.

Nissa, Averlyth and Um are aways down the road. Um knows of a clearing up on a bluff with a view down on the fort, so we park the wagon and sober up.

"Professor" Proctor comes out of the fort. There's a squad of maybe 12 guys (the group that came in is like 5 or 6 dudes, plus some dudes that were already in the fort or came up this morning). It becomes clear that they have these freelance jobs on a regular basis - some of these guys look like they've been here bunch of times.

Proctor rattles off some instructions, for shipments, notes that there's a secret mission. Carlos volunteers for it, Doug the Thug says Carlos is a cool dude, Proctor says both Carlos and Kanye go with him, everyone else goes out and makes their delivers to Fresnius.

Not Fresno, a neighborhood in Neverwinter

Nissa has sobered up and was watching the guard rotation and stuff; she's guessing there's maybe about 15 guards in the place, not counting the thugs that just rolled in for assignments. A guard in the tower, guards patrolling the perimeter, etc, guards likely sleeping in the barracks.

Carlos and Kanye are led into Warehouse #1 - on one side of the warehouse is an enormous stack of padded crates containing cures (some of the guys are taking them and loading them onto horse carts). Near the middle of the warehouse there's sort of an assembly line production going on where dudes who are obviously junior alchemists are processing the herb and bottling it up, etc. There are drying racks, etc. Everything Um told us already

The alchemist takes the two of them to the far side where there is a smaller lab, which seems to contain about a gallon of a sickly green fluid in a receptacle hooked up to an apparatus. He takes it off, stoppers it and hands the two of them a letter and the gallon of sickly green fluid. The letter has a set of instructions telling them to bring the gallon all the way back to Elturel and depositing it at a very specific time for maximum potency.

On the way out of the fort, Carlos is looking around for any opportunities to place traps or leave backdoors open. Before he knows what's going on, Kanye has shoved the jug of poison into Carlos's arms and made a running start for Warehouse #2.

He makes it to the doors and slams straight into the sliding barn doors

The three start heading down the hill as soon as they see a large figure barreling towards the warehouse

Carlos pretends he doesn't know him and keeps walking

Kanye doesn't knock himself out but he is knocked flat on his ass for a second

Carlos (yelling to the closest guard): "It's okay, he thought he saw a puppy"

The guards don't know what to make of it because 1) It doesn't look like an attack, and 2) He hurt himself in the process

Kanye starts yelling about puppies

Carlos asks if there are puppies in the warehouses

The guard says he should leave

Carlos and Kanye communicate through fartie talkies that they're okay - Averlyth, Nissa and Um head back up to the wagon, and then the group reconvenes.

Averlyth is able to confirm that the poison is the concentrated shit that was seen in the river.

Significant group brainstorming

Plans to contact the authorities to arrest Taldic Lawrey

Carlos and Kanye will go confront TL

Nissa, Averlyth and Um will stand by at the fort

If he confesses to the poisoning plan, let the drake guard take it from there. Then, Nissa, Averlyth and Um can attack the fort, going for the cures and the alchemists at the same time (no chance for them to escape)

If he doesn't confess, then follow him to the house

If it turns out he's not the big bad........... will figure out then

Carlos: Yeah, and then we'll just call off the sting by farting into the fartie talkies

Averlyth: You realize that the fartie talkie does the farting, not us?

Carlos: Ohhhh I've been using it wrong this whole time

[mcvfd]

S05E01: Unwanted Criminals

Alternate title: Grand Master P’s Mom Has Got It Going On

The gang gets propositioned by the Queen. Carlos is down to clown. Nissa gets dressed up. Um and Averlyth sense a trap.

TL;DR: The gang is summoned to the royal court to receive pardons clearing their names for the burning of Mulmaster. Afterwards, the queen reveals herself to be an elder dragon, and the secret power behind the throne. She invites the gang to join the Drake Guard, a secret organization dedicated to improving the world.

Um was on the way to neverwinter, Nissa has been in all the libraries, Carlos was learning to juggle and backpacking in Europe (which is a neighborhood in Neverwinter), Averlyth made her way to the church to let them know about everything that happened.

Um and Nissa meet up, the Church of Bane isn’t super interested in hearing about a lowly cleric talking directly to their god, and Carlos is juggling 4 items now.

DM: “Where does Carlos live? Averlyth’s in the church and Nissa’s at the library..”

Carlos: “Are you asking where I live or where you could find me?”

Apparently Carlos likes to sit at the dock of the bay, could be found on a boat with a bunch of dogs that he doesn’t own, possibly naked.

Everyone gets a message from a messenger that just says “dear friends, please come meet me in Thundertree, signed Q”. (Apparently the one Nissa met was of average hotness but dressied up)

Apparently the gang gets together on Wednesday’s for trivia (“Mulmaster County Volunteer Trivia Department”? “Fire Department”?) so we do that and then go to Thundertree. There’s a new bar, “Under Construction” (that’s the name, it’s newly completed), we walk past it to the quartermaster’s blacksmithery.

Phteven runs out with his arm on fire and plunges it into a horse trough, then awkwardly stammers upon seeing Averlyth and runs back in. The group understands nothing is going to happen and walks in.

Q says we’ve been pardoned, and have been invited to a public pardoning ceremony.

Carlos: “Is this a trap?”

Q: “No”

Carlos: “Are you sure it's not a trap?”

Q: “It's not a trap.”

Carlos: “…Sounds legit.”

Q describes the ceremony, how we have to dress up, event is in a week.

Q: “You’ll no longer be wanted criminals!”

Um: “We’ll be unwanted criminals”

Averlyth asks for charges for the flamethrower, Carlos hands his “magic crossbow” over to Q to investigate if he can replenish charges for the laser rifle.

The girls (and Carlos) go dress shopping in Neverwinter, the group doesn’t win in trivia this week.

— Steve discovers that the dndbeyond website is a lot easier to use when logged in —

Um has daggers, everyone else is magic users and doesn’t need to sneak weapons in. Day of the ceremony arrives and we are awakened by fancy ass people who put makeup on us and everything.

We are announced by our full names and escorted into the most extravagant room possible. A lot of important looking people are present, trying to get close to the king. Duke Earl Flufenpuff is there, the queen, the head of city watch, etc etc. The king begins his speech, we’re all celebrated for our innocence.

Carlos almost flips off the king but gets eyes from the queen. Um and Averlyth get the same treatment and are thrown off. Nissa isn’t paying attention and might be flirting with one of the hot guys with canapé trays. Ceremony goes off without a hitch beyond that, talk about making the opposite of a wanted poster. Nissa gives her number (it’s 6) to the guy, Carlos rolls by and goes “nice”.

Carlos: “I’m just gonna hang out. I’m not gonna bang the queen, but I’m not gonna not bang the queen”

Um and Averlyth leave the party as soon as they can, Nissa and Carlos work the room. The queen disappeared so there’s no action happening there but there’s lot of booze and people to flirt with.

Everyone goes back to their rooms and strips into their gear. Overnight, everyone is summoned to the queens bedchambers, though to the waiting room first.

Carlos comes in his pajamas, Averlyth brings full armor after saying no but then gets suckered into going, Nissa is dressed appropriately, and Um said no but then sneaks in anyways.

After some time, the Queen appears in the simplest, most expensive nightgown possible and invites the group into her bedchambers. The Queen says she plans on changing into something more appropriate and then slips off her skin. Suddenly, there is a full size golden dragon and we are actually in an enormous cavern like space. The place is almost certainly a command center.

Apparently Grandmaster P is the queens son. The Queen dragon has been running things for centuries because of how bad it was for human kind before. The Queen reveals her intent, how humanity basically blew shit up all the time, how it sucks for an immortal (Nissa is sneaking towards the walls to see the conspiracies written there), and how there are other elder dragons. She wants order, they might not. The games they play are effectively long-term, large-scale risk games where the politics are too complex and/or grand for us to comprehend.

Queen says she had a proposal for us, has been watching us since we made contact with her son. Thinks we are suitable for being operatives, named Drake Guards. We would be doing jobs, aiming to leave things in a better state. (Nissa eyes Averlyth suspiciously, Averlyth has a mental debate about whether or not chaos is necessary for fear).

Carlos questions the required commitment for the job as well as the expected benefits. We’d get all collected loot, as well as a stone that may teleport us to jobs, later become ways to make us more formidable. We receive an informational pamphlet.

We all agree and decide on our magical item. Um got a ring, Nissa got a belt buckle, Carlos got a lighter and Averlyth got a dangling ear cuff.

— the group discusses where the field office is —

Mart: “what would the name of a field in Europe be?”

DM: “I think you’re more suitable to answer that then us”

Mart: “we just call them fields”

We leave the royal neighborhood back to the city we’re welcome in and go to the field to find the field office. We’re all given our magical items and sign our NDAs. Q was promoted to drake guard! Quartermaster of Neverwinter Drake Guard.

Nissa: “Phteven got a promotion???”

Carlos: “it’s more of a lateral move”

Field office will basically be our base of operations

[mcvfd]

Welcome to the Drakeguard!

You have joined an elite company of problem solvers, fixers, soldiers, and investigators. From the Spine of the World to the Forest of Tethir, and from the Sea of Swords to as far inland as the Storm Horns, the Drakeguard is there.

The Drakeguard was founded to solve the problem that kings and nobility were unable or unwilling to handle. We protect the Sword Coast from all manner of threats, whether a monster is menacing a village or a ruler is abusing their power. We are guided by a single charter: Leave the world a better place than you found it.

You’ve met our founder, and you’ve heard her singular vision. You know she seeks individuals who share her mission to make the world a more stable place, and you’ve been invited to join because she sees your potential.

The Job Board

An ever-changing roster of potential assignments can be found on the job board in any field office. Your squad is encouraged to choose jobs that are well-suited to your experience level and skill set. Each completed job will offer a number of rank points, which will be used to increase your rank and also to level up your bracer’s special abilities.

Non-Lethal Bonus: Some jobs will offer a bonus for completing the assignment without killing any sentient creatures.

Code of Ethics

Fieldwork is challenging, and we trust our operatives to exercise their best judgement in difficult situations, while striving to honor the following principles. Gratuitous or repeated violations may result in demotion or expulsion.

Serve the community

Safeguard lives and property

Protect the innocent against deception

Guard the weak against oppression

Shield the peaceful against violence

Apply the law with equality and justice

Treat prisoners with respect

Prefer non-lethal solutions

With Rank Comes Privileges

Our founder invests a bit of her power in every Drakeguard operative. The more you demonstrate your alignment with the organization’s goals, the more she will invest in you. As such, we use a ranking system.

[DETAILS TBD]

Your Bracer

Every member of the Drakeguard receives a special magic item. Typically, this takes the form of a bracer, but you can request other forms such as a ring, amulet, or belt buckle. This item provides three benefits: First, it acts as a stone of far-speech for your squad. Second, it can be used to teleport you to your next assignment, and home again when the job is complete. Finally, it grants access to powerful abilities as you increase rank.

* Note that the teleportation function has a limited charge and a fixed destination. Upon accepting an assignment, it can teleport you to the location (typically depositing you on the outskirts of the nearest settlement). Then it can be used once more to return you to your field office. It cannot send you to a destination of your choosing, and once used it requires time to recharge. Note also that abandoning an assignment by teleporting home before the job is complete will result in demotion.

Spellcasting Services

As part of your benefits package, we are pleased to offer spellcasting services at a discount. You can access these services from our field offices in Neverwinter, Waterdeep, and Baldur’s Gate. Services generally available include healing and recovery spells, as well as information-gathering.

Cure wounds (1st level) — 10gp

Identify — 15gp

Lesser restoration — 30gp

Prayer of healing (2nd level) — 30gp

Remove curse — 80gp

Speak with dead — 80gp

Divination — 160gp

Greater restoration — 350gp

Raise dead — 950gp

[mcvfd]

Season 4 Retro Notes

Following the conclusion of season four’s trip to the future, the group decided to have a retrospective to discuss what they liked, and what they’d like to see from upcoming adventures.

Things that went well

More story-driven

NPCs were awesome

The thieves guild was cool because we were very motivated to do it for Chris's character

The wikipedia page was cool

Different things every week was pretty cool

A lot of focus on character intentions and backgrounds

Having a map is nice

Seeing Modron again was cool

The moments when our individual characters had motivations were cool

Random rolls were cool, i.e. the zebras

We got in a lot of situations because of a charisma roll

"Quest of the week” format allows other people to jump in too

We actually had to talk about what we were interested in doing

A little more personality

Still needs a balance, wouldn't benefit from the overhead of putting every single step down

Examples:

Map of the spaceship

Map of thundertree for the battle the burned it down

Things that could be better

Could have used more combat (but definitely getting closer to the right balance)

Decision paralysis

Last session was a little anti-climactic with that ending

It's partially on us as well, we took every opportunity to avoid combat

Time travel was too much (DM note: no joke!)

Not being able to accept every quest

Risk aversion contributing to it

lol engineers

Ironically the same as what happened with Mulmaster

Action Items

Start of next season, we'll talk about what happened during the downtime

Next season, we should plan it structurely similar to the thieves guild season

Something new every couple of weeks

[mcvfd]

Interlude: Honey Heist

As an interlude between seasons, the gang played a one-off game called Honey Heist, where the characters play criminals trying to execute a complex plan that requires precise timing, and also they are GODDAMN BEARS.

CHARACTERS:

Jen: Mr Bellflower, grizzly bear, washed up muscle, but still terrifying. Dressed in a beige trench coat, peach velour bellbottoms, a flat cap, and a button reading "BEAR AND PROUD"

Steve: Mr Goldenrod, panda bear, adorable but incompetent hacker. Dressed in a powder blue frilly t-shirt, blue denim smart trousers, a beautiful blond wig and a crown.

Vicki: Mr Razzmatazz, honey badger, slick face-bear specializing in carnage. Dressed in a black-and-white crop top, leopard-print skirt, trilby hat, and cool shades.

Mart: Mr Amber, polar bear, retired driver, excellent swimmer. Dressed in a fluorescent yellow tuxedo shirt, grey y-fronts, a top hat & monocle, and a cowboy hat.

SCENARIO:

Dangerous truck convey is coming through our woods, we want to steal the queen bee and get all the honey ever. The queen bee is being delivered to a honey convention in Fresno and we know the route that’ll be taken to deliver it.

——PLANNING DISCUSSION——

Steve suggests hacking the traffic lights in the woods (they’re there to keep deer from running into each other).

We apparently had a Vespa riding koala that radios in from down the road that there are 2 hummers, one in front and one behind the semi truck containing the queen bee. Several people in each hummer.

Order of operations:

Honey badger shred the wheels of the back hummer.

Grizzly maul the occupants of the first hummer.

Polar bear takes over the semi truck.

Panda bear hacks the traffic lights to make the convoy stop and then drives the school bus in front of them, then hacks their phones and sends them pictures from each other’s photo rolls to there.

Group meets up at the animal cracker factory afterwards if we get split up.

Alternatively going to Folsom street to blend in with the bears??

And now our semi truck might be disguised as a big black dildo.

And we may be driving into the Robin William’s tunnel.

We have a small squad of red panda mechanics waiting in the tunnel (we are giving the school bus to them afterwards).

——LET’S GO——

Steve is ready to hack the traffic lights and drive into the intersection. First there’s a series of screens where Steve is furiously typing in credentials and solving mini-games (there’s a lot of “Access Denied”) but then he’s able to reroute the IP address to the GUI and suppress the packets somehow so then the screen turns green and Steve says “Give me a real challenge” and then he hangs out until the convoy approaches. Then he turns their light red and his light green and then rolls the school bus right in front of the front hummer.

Jen bursts out of the safety doors of the bus and gets her paws underneath the front bumper of the hummer and uses her terrify skill. She flips the car so hard it goes end over and and lands upside-down and people are pancaked and can’t get out. The people in the car are stunned for a bit until they crawl out.

Mart was hiding in the woods about a hummer’s distance away from the road, strolls up to the semi truck with some attitude because he’s an old bear. As he approaches the semi, there is a driver just wearing a jumpsuit (not a fully armed guard) but there is a passenger that is fully armed. They see a bear coming in a fluorescent yellow tux and cowboy hat and freak out. Mart wrenches the door right off the truck and then throws the driver and the door off the road. Then he throws a couple of scary swipes at the guard, who freaks out and leaves.

Vicki does a drive-by swipe at the back wheels, and manages to get the front wheel too. The back hummer won’t be able to chase us later. Vicki then keeps going forward and comes face to face to the passenger running out of the semi truck. In a fluid motion, she swipes at the radio (that is also making an ear-splitting shriek since Steve didn’t manage to properly scramble the radios) and accidentally comes away with a few fingers.

Jen climbs back into the school bus after she sees everything going down. Steve accidentally keeps burning the clutch and stalling the school bus for a little bit (bears aren’t good at driving stick). He manages to get it moving, but it takes long enough that some of the guards have run up to the semi.

Mart watches the rearview mirror and then tries to maul the guy’s face off just as he gets close enough to see there may be a bear in the car, but the guy wasn’t as close to the semi as he hoped. Vicki waits until the guy gets up to the window and jumps at his face and starts fucking his shit up and then jumps right back in. Steve is able to get the school bus going, so Mart puts his foot down in the truck and starts driving out of sight of the guy with a gun.

Steve, Jen and Vicki see a blinking red light on top of the semi where there wasn’t one before. Steve doesn’t recognize it visually but sees the distinctive signature of a remote controlled bomb on his chart of electromagnetic things. Steve and Jen successfully driver swap (not their first time), and then Steve makes his way to the back of the bus to jump onto the hood of the semi.

Steve climbs to the top and see a bunch of C4 strapped to the top, most likely with a dead man’s switch held by some guard that we left behind). The beeping gets faster and he just barely manages to defuse it in time. We reach the turnaround spot and start heading down to San Francisco, but now there’s a police chopper with a spotlight on us following us down.

Audience wait in anticipation, it’s a tense but cinematic scene as the helicopter follows the crew all the way to a tunnel. The bus and semi barrel in and the helicopter goes to the other side waiting for us….. and then there’s a scene of red pandas rushing to the vehicles, bolting on everything that we had asked for. And then suddenly a giant black dildo truck comes out of the tunnel, ejaculating glitter. The helicopter’s spotlight shines onto the semi-dick.. and then they pass by unscathed.

They get to Folsom, and then get to a garage. They park the truck and open up the back — and see hundreds of containers of bear-shaped honey, and a bee hive packed in styrofoam and labeled “Endangered”. Everyone hi-fives.

——HEIST COMPLETE——

[mcvfd]

Season 4 Recap

The gang was busy living their lives following the events of season 3 when each was surrounded by a bright light, and woke up in a gladiator arena on a space station. They quickly discovered that they had been abducted by the History Channel, who was using their newly discovered time travel device to snatch the greatest criminals in history and force them to fight in televised arena deathmatches.

The gang fought valiantly, but were all killed, only to awaken some hours later in a prison cell. The security chief heckled them and explained that they were going to die every night, and be resurrected here in the cells, and forced to do it all again the next night.

When they returned to the arena, another prisoner made contact with them, and offered to show them how to escape the arena to the rest of the station, if the gang agreed to destroy the station. She explained that when she broke out, she found the chief scientist’s notes, and the theory that if the time portal was destroyed, anyone who was time-displaced would be sent back to their own timeline.

The gang agreed, and proceeded on a whirlwind tour of the station, where they found the crew in open rebellion, fighting each other over the proper use of the time portal. One group, dubbed “Team Ratings” was running the arena combat broadcasts. Another faction, dubbed “Team Ethics” was opposed to the abuse of the timestream, and concerned about potential side effects. A third faction, the Ops Union was theoretically neutral, and just trying to keep the station functional while the crew fought in the corridors.

The gang made their way to a neutral territory bar, where they were asked to make their way to the cargo bay and retrieve a case of booze for the bar. In exchange the bartender offered weapons and supplies.

They also managed to look themselves up on Wikipedia, where they discovered that in this possible future, they’d all become some of history’s greatest war criminals, responsible for countless atrocities. Shaken by this discovery, the group began to grapple with the moral consequences of their choices.

In the cargo bay, the gang was pleased to find their old friend Nordom the Modron, who had survived all the centuries since they’d last seen each other, and was now the quartermaster. He let them take the booze and showed them a way to use the cargo tunnels to bypass the worst of the fighting.

Then the gang made their way through Engineering, where they were asked to take a set of space suits and stop a coolant leak on the exterior that was threatening to destroy the station.

After trading one suit to the bartender in exchange for a set of laser rifles and a bomb, the gang managed to blackmail the History channel into stopping the arena broadcasts, remove the current station Director from power, and allow them to film a historical documentary about the Burning of Mulmaster to clear their names.

Unfortunately, the Director had traveled back in time to sabotage their documentary (creating yet another timeline in the process) and now the group has been double-framed for the fire.

After discussing their options with the Professor (head of Team Ethics), the gang decides that all this mucking about with timelines is a fool’s errand, and the best course of action is to ensure all the gladiators are released to their own timelines, and the Professor (now the acting director) agreed to stop abusing the timeline.

And so the gang stepped back through the time portal, returning to the exact place and time they were abducted, left to ponder the ethical choices of their lifestyles.

[mcvfd]

S04E05: The gang is done with the future

Carlos achieves wild success as a documentary host and immediately quits. Nissa brings an advanced AI into the past, violating both safety protocols and common sense. Averlyth is definitely going to start a cult. Um is confused about time travel.

TL;DR: The gang films a documentary about the Burning of Mulmaster in an attempt to clear their names, but the Director travels back in time to double-frame them, ruining the documentary and making an absolute mess of the timeline. Everyone gets confused about multidimensional time travel theory, and the gang decides to free all the gladiator prisoners before returning to their own time.

Background:

Our plan of attack was to make a documentary.

We were sucked into the future, did gladiatorial combat, there's time machines, there's factions, we decided to stick a bomb to the outside of the space ship and then call corporate to fire the director and negotiate for a documentary to clear our name.

Session:

We did it!

We convinced Corporate to agree to our terms. They've stopped the gladiatorial combat and greenlight our show idea. For the next two days, we work with the team on the station to write a script, plan out the show,

[The group chooses Carlos to be the Host of the show, and decide the tone of the show is dramatic, clickbaity, "The World's Most Notorious Group – Falsely Accused Question Mark?"]

Commander lets us know that the director and his loyalists have disappeared off the station and may want to attack, but we're preoccupied. Everyone on the station is excited to work on the show, like they're involved in something ground-breaking.

It's time for the show! Carlos is dressed in a suit without a tie, practicing his lines. Nissa stands by to help out his performance with dramatic music cues.

Carlos starts off the show; it doesn't go terribly but it's not great. (The guy with the cue cards keeps looking at Carlos like what?) The camera cuts away and goes to the pre-planned routine of shots.

The cameras go back into time, into the times and places that we thought they would be in. Some things are slightly different, but they mostly work.

But then it comes to the fireball – the fireball is gigantic, and a giant symbol of bane shows up in the fireball, illusory holographic projections of the group appear on the group. We see ourselves run in fear, and get a familiar sinking sensation – we've been framed for burning Mulmaster again.

Um and Nissa notice that the crew are equally confused about what happened. Nissa walks up to the most senior head of answering her questions assistant(?) and tells her that they hadn't even joined the group yet and didn't remember this happening yet.

Senior head: "I can assure you, you guys did not clear your names"

Carlos: "Well, all's well that ends well I guess"

Nissa questions if we actually filmed our timeline, and not-Mildred said the Professor had told her something about multiverse theory.

Um notes that somewhere in the universe, a bunch of nerds are editing the MCVFD wikipedia pages.

[Scott explains the way timelines and time travel work. Mart immediately compares it to git repositories]

[The group spends some time once again brainstorming motivations for what to do next, as well as questions about what just happened.]

Not-Mildred overhears us plotting to go back in time to before the fireball to try and solve the mystery of what happened, and reminds us that we need the Professor's permission to use the portal. The group resumes deciding which timeline we want to go to, what we want to do next [retcon: in the Professor's office].

Carlos: "I mean, I can't prevent Mulmaster from burning down in every timeline"

The group has decided on 2 things:

Releasing the prisoners back to their timelines

Going back to our original timeline

Jen asks if we can bring Mizz Computer.

Carlos asks Mizz Computer if there's a portable version of her.

Mizz Computer says yes!

Scott rules that Mizz Computer has a set number of charges for usage, can't be recharged.

Vicki mentions the possibility of us going to the future through the Mage's hideout for the sake of recharging Mizz Computer.

Scott appreciates the imagery of us going to the future regularly to recharge all of our future gear, lazer guns included.

Mart proposes drilling a hole through the wall and putting a cord through to charge it from our end.

Over two full days, the group supervises the release of the prisoners (I think Nissa kisses them on the head?)(Um: "Go be evil in your own time")(There's a brief discussion that these are all criminals). Marge passes us by, yammers for a bit in a thankful way and then goes through the portal. Tiffany asks for Kanye (lol best shipping) and then goes through the portal.

Steve: "Heeey why didn't we talk to all of the prisoners to see where they came from, see if any of them came from a good time? Like I don't know.. the 80's?"

Nissa says bye to Nordom, Averlyth says bye to the head doctor (who is very excited since a truce was declared when the documentary started and now she can go back to a boring life). Carlos sneaks a pound of future weed (Nissa questions if it'll get through time travel customs)(Scott notes that the station is in international "waters").

Um: "I'm done with the future"

Non-portable Mizz Computer says good-bye to portable Mizz Computer and the group goes through the portal. Everyone shows up exactly where they left off.

Mission accomplished!

[mcvfd]

S04E05: The gang gets caught up in multiverse theory

The gang follows the plot of the movie Airheads. Um stops the station from exploding, but then plants a bomb. Carlos lets the Director go to voicemail.

TL;DR: The gang decides their best move is to fix the coolant leak, and then disable the broadcast, and use that as leverage to convince Corporate to remove the Director from power. Using a bomb on the arena as insurance, they successfully negotiate the right to film a documentary about the burning of Mulmaster, hoping to clear their names and convince Corporate to stop abusing the timeline.

Background

Previously, a whole bunch of shit happened.

We've met a whole bunch of people in the future with conflicting interests. The group last had a plan to go out into space, split the party, fix the space ship and take the broadcasting equipment hostage.

Session

The group decides to do the events sequentially instead of splitting the party, with fixing the cooleant leak first and then breaking equipment second.

DM: "So something occurred to me in the shower this morning-"

Steve: "Just get it checked out, man."

[The group will remember that not all equipment will be available while in a vac suit.]

Carlos calls Squeaks Clickson over Mizz Computer for instructions on what equipment to get (all in any airlock, it's not a fetch quest) and how to fix the cooleant leak. Basically we are dealing with a pressurized tank that has a leak, so all we're effectively doing is slapping something over it, welding it, etc etc.

The group spends a lot of time discussing possible options. Halfway through a long back and forth about how to maintain leverage after taking equipment hostage, Carlos is reminded that he has a bomb in his bag with a dead man's switch. The group finalizes the blackmail idea.

Before we can go off for blackmail, the group decides to talk to Professor Doctor Etc. He and Nissa geek out about the schematics of the broadcasting equipment while everyone's like "ugh yeah okay we're just pulling the red wire". Before we can leave, he asks us for the plan, and then asks why we are letting the director stay in power.

[The group gets caught up in multiverse theory]

Gidget giggles after overhearing us talk about what happens if we talk about blowing up the portal. There's an 83% chance that everything gets reverted; there are also chances that we die in the explosion, chances that we all forget, or the whole universe catches on fire.

The professor helps us discuss the ethics of all of our long-term goals for a very long time, while happily taking notes for future lectures as we decide if we want to go back to the past, change anything, stay in the future, etc.

When we have everything we need, we head to an airlock and carry everything we need for fixing the sealant leak.

Nissa: "Mizz Computer, we'd like to go outside!"

Mizz Computer: "All right, cycling the airlocks now."

Um: *~whooooooosh~*

The group jets over to the leak. There is a steady stream of green fluid squirting out of the tank. (Averlyth blesses Um with the blessing of the trickster before he makes his way over to the leak). Um is able to undramatically patch the coolant leak. Squeaks calls us thanking us, says the pressure is going back up. We say you're welcome and hang up! (Not sure if he's actually done talking yet or if the translation was just slow)

Um is selected to go place the bomb sneakily (Carlos promises to try his best not to blow him up). The bomb is placed without a hitch, Carlos promises again he did not play with the controller at all and it was in the safe mode the whole time.

Nissa, who had paid the most attention to Professor Doctor's instructions, works with Um to disable the broadcasting hardware. There is no immediate response, but we see red flashing lights inside the windows in the broadcasting area. We don't have clearance to call Corporate.

While the group is debating what to do, we have an incoming call from the director. Carlos says to send it to voicemail. We decide to sail back through the airlock and head on down to the Professor's office.

Voicemail from the director: There's laughing and an alarm going on in the background. "You guys are my favorite! I wish you guys would respond to my calls". Something about new security guards. The Professor chuckles.

The Professor asks Mizz Computer to make a call to Corporate with his clearance – he has permissions to call in, but there is an impression that he may not have the highest priority in the queue. We've reached the office of the CEO of the History Channel, Giorgio Carbonara.

They hang up on us.

Okay so we try again, and then the Professor vouches for us but they still think it's a prank call. Eventually we finally get on the line with Giorgio Carbonara Jr. We give our demands (we want our show, we want the gladiator show to stop, and we want the Director to be fired). He's getting a headache just dealing with us and calls our bluff, we accidentally mention a bomb.

[The group gradually accidentally says too much about our background and Giorgio Jr figures out who we are]

Giorgio Jr agrees to permit the filming and then shouts to a secretary to acquire the rights to Airheads.

The group goes out and quickly re-plugs stuff back in. While we're outside, we get an incoming call from the Director. Carlos asks if we can listen to voicemail as it's going so we can interrupt if we want. (She says "Processing.... Yes!")

Director (Bront Laughtrack?) isn't that happy that we removed him from power, keeps yelling at someone to let him go as he finishes his call with us.

Next time, the group will produce a documentary.

[mcvfd]

S04E04: The DM may regret giving the gang access to a time machine

The gang comes up with a plan to solve their time travel problems. Um learns about voice mail and read receipts. Averlyth violates the Hippocratic Oath. Everyone pretends they don’t know Kanye.

TL;DR: The Strategist wants the station to explode. The Spy wants the gang to steal the plans. The Director offers to make the gang stars. The Security Chief wants them to suffer. The Doctor wants them to stop the broadcast. The Professor wants them to remove the Director. The Chief Engineer wants them to keep the station from exploding. The Mad Scientist wants to keep doing “science.”

Background

We got materials from Splash Gordon after turning in the quest, even though he was worried by the news that the spaceship might blow up, and then we got the computer said we had an incoming call from the director.

Session

The group spends a long time deciding whether or not to pick up.

Mizz Computer: "You have one voice mail!"

Um: "What is a voice mail?"

The director respects our power play and says he wants to work with us, we have star power! All we have to do call him back or let the security guards coming to arrest us pick us up.

We consider going to the medical bay, but before we head out decide to talk to Splash Gordon about our options. He suggests we go to research, meet the head of Team Ethics, Professor Doctor Jefferson Von Pantaloons The III. However, he warns us against showing up announced (given they have been touchy since the last raid by Team Ratings, which incidentally was the raid that summoned us through the portal).

Carlos asks Mizz Computer to send an email to notify him or her of our intent to approach and ask if that's okay. Mizz computer says we don't have permission to see his read receipts though.

The group books it to the elevator, then dive into a nook when we hear the elevator door chime opens – camera drones and security guards run by us, and then we sneak into the door. One sees us right as the door closes (haha sucker).

[Insert elevator music]

We arrive in the medical bay. The door opens and there are 5 security guards with lazer rifles pointed at us. The guys are intimidating, but some of their gear looks like it was created in the research department (3D printed gear??)

Guard: "What's your business?"

Carlos: "Hey turds"

Guard cocks a lazer gun (????)

Averlyth: "We're here to see the Professor"

Guard: "Is he expecting you?"

Carlos: "yeah we sent him an email"

Guard: "... Steve go check it out"

A guard goes to check it out, then returns saying the Professor is deciding what to do about it. Carlos makes a quick fruit pipe and hands it to one of the guards who thanks him in confusion and puts it in his pocket awkwardly.

The group is ushered in, past a reception area and then an obviously overwhelmed medical facility. There are people of all different uniform colors here, mostly green from Team Ethics, but some red Team Ratings and some tan neutral Ops.

As we're sitting here watching the scene, we see a person that appears to be the chief doctor triage patients, make decisions, walk around all stressed. Averlyth makes a beeline for patients that are in critical danger and stabilize everyone she sees (prioritizing the green people, doing the bare minimum for those in red). Nissa hands Averlyth bandages and singing as she's going, helping to keep people calm. Carlos is making apple pipes for patients. After some point, Doctor Gilthoniel Pop'n'lock (according to her nametag) is looking at Averlyth. She's cautious, but eventually relaxes and walks over.

Doctor Pop'n'lock questions Averlyth's background, motives, and then eventually asks Mizz Computer who these people are (Mizz Computer happily reveals our background as gladiators). She isn't mad, thinks for a second, then gestures the group to follow her. Everyone in the room defers to her and lets us by, and then we're taken to a room with her name on it. There aren't enough chairs for everyone.

Carlos takes a chair, Mart awkwardly stands next to the Doctor.

She laments the state of the station and asks us for help – she tells us she has an idea for how to stop "this whole stupid thing", points out that both groups are really fighting over the broadcast equipment, not morals. If the equipment is destroyed, there is no war.

The group debates what to do about it, then gets interrupted by a security guard that says the Professor is ready to see us. Doctor Pop'n'lock pretends none of that conversation happened. We follow the guard through a boring maze of a university hallway and eventually get taken to a large office with a plaque mounted on the wall. The label, "Director of Research and Development: Gidget" is covered a printout reading "Director of Transdimensional Ethics: Professor Jefferson The Third".

In the room, we see a bathroom-turned-prison with a twitchy lavender-haired mad scientist and then the biggest man with the biggest broadsword on his back who invites us to sit down. Um awkwardly stands in the corner.

The Professor Doctor tells us about how the station was originally a scientific research facility, but eventually was sold to the History channel. When Professor Gidget discovered the Time Portal, they were instructed to dedicate all research to it - but then it was disocvered that Gidget had... questionable morals, and there are troubling implications on the timelines as a result of her experiments. Professor Doctor and the team attempted to perform a strike and prevent the violations from continuing, have resulted in violence regrettably.

We find out immediately that the Professor Doctor is anti-portal-destruction. Kanya initiates a sudden group huddle, we quickly discuss some stuff, and then unhuddle. The Professor establishes his motivation is to send people back to their timelines and shut down gladiatorial combat altogether. He wants to make safe and quarantined documentaries (sending cloaked camera drones back, etc).

He proposes that the removal of the director (who has clout with Corporate) will be enough. Nissa questions if another director will just be sent - the Professor Doctor admits it's a possibility, but thinks it will be fine if the station is united, and that this particular director only rose to power to begin with because Corporate wasn't happy with the ratings and the director made high promises. He claims that he is not advocating we kill the guy, but not against any method of removal.

We brainstorm. We consider highjacking the broadcast, making our own show; we debate the usefulness of shutting down the broadcast, hijacking broadcasting equipment. Kanye requests a power armor, all in yellow and mech-style with a spinny light above his head. The Professor Doctor says this is not available, but after prompting says they could 3D print the spinny light despite it's seeming uselessness.

Um asks if the portal can allow someone to teleport to a different space within the same time – The Professor Doctor says "Yes, time travel is space travel!".

Um: "Can you teleport us to the Director?"

pause

Kanye: "While he's on the toilet???"

[This is established as an un-fun game mechanic so we are not doing this]

Carlos requests a meeting room to discuss. Averlyth specifies it must have a whiteboard. The guards escort us to the room to talk over our motivations.

Farfetched idea one: we are considering proving we didn't burn down mulmaster and then blowing up the space ship.

Farfetched idea two: we are considering time traveling back with camera drones to before mulmaster was burned down and saving Mulmaster, thereby actually becoming the volunteer fire department. Could even save Burnie Cinders in the process.

Combined plan: We will pitch to the Professor that we want to go back in time and document what happened at Mulmaster to clear our name.

Before we're able to finalize the plan, we have an incoming call from Professor Gidget. She's somehow managed to get access to a computer and very ecstatically tells us about the papers she's written that can't be submitted, the developments she's discovered – I think Um hung up on her but she redialed – and then she promises she can send us to literally anywhere other than where we came from (since we know about our terrible deaths and futures) if we help give her access to her portal again to finish her experiments. We end the call and decide the new quest doesn't conflict with the plan we were landing on, so we'll worry about it later.

[The group spends 15 minutes deciding a clever chief engineer's name]

We go back to the Professor. Carlos tries to call him Prof Doc, the Professor looks at him blankly and then puts his sword back on. Carlos pitches the idea for a pilot episode - show what actually happened at the Mulmaster County Burning. The Prof Doc is not against it, but mentions that Team Ethics is currently not able to film and broadcast the episode with the way the war is going.

We are told that the control for the camera drones and broadcasting information are all in the broadcasting room. Professor Doctor addresses us at his standing desk, tells us that we need access to the skilled technicians in the broadcasting room, not just the equipment. He expects they are motivated to just obey the ones giving them the paycheck, should help Team Ethics once the director is gone.

Kanye goes behind the desk and attempts to subtly grab the hilt of the Professor Doctor's sword in an attempt to grab it. As soon as he touches it, Kanye hears an indignant voice through the sword and the Prof Doc tells him to stop. The group sorta pretends they don't know Kanye.

Kanye goes for the sword again and the big man stops him in what seems to be a friendly pat, but is really a bone-crushingly firm grip on his shoulder, and requests that he does not separate him from his carrier. Kanye says the sword talks, Um has questions.

Professor Doctor, the sword, describes his backstory of being an intelligent weapon, how he got his doctorate as a sword, has had multiple carriers, etc. The group decides this hasn't changed anything about our desire for this pilot episode. We do establish that there is no way to go over the Director's authority, even if we could convince the skilled technicians to work with us.

We go back to the meeting room. The instant the door closes, the screen lights up and we see a protocol guide explaining the operations on the ship and how the station's AI works with the commander. A few sections are highlighted –first, the station's director outranks the station's commander for anything that affects ratings. The ship's AI must follow the direction of the highest ranking officer on the ship due to the limitation of the AI's command inhibitor. Carlos questions what a command inhibitor is – we are told it's a physical object on the command deck attached to the AI’s hardware.

The group revisits the idea for breaking the broadcasting antennae or holding it hostage to make Ratings put our show on, then suddenly we remember the station might blow up because of the coolant leak. So we decide, like good people, and to not die while we're planning our actions forward, we'll have half of the people go take the antennae hostage and half of the people fix the coolant leak. This also prevents the chief engineer from being pissed that we are destroying her spaceship with the suits she gave us to fix the leak to begin with.

DM: "So let me get this straight... your plan is for your entire group to go out into the darkness of space… and immediately split the party? …I love it."

[The group looks up Kanye's Wiki Page]

Early Life - Grew up rich

Kanye is the bastard son of a noble

Kanye rose to power by assassinating his own father and inheriting his network of assassins

Gang Membership - The gang's mascot

Kanye was the strong silent member

Mostly just stood behind Carlos a lot and looked scary. That's how he got the nickame, Big Scary Guy. (BSG)

Life after Gang - Went to prison

First of the gang members to be captured while harmlessly lurking in an alley outside of a bar for illegally selling produce

Was thrown into jail to be held for questioning for 24 hours

Tries to escape while incarcerated and broke both his legs

Historical Perspective - Kanye is widely believed to be an amalgamation of 2 other historical figures

One is a famous rapper-nobleman

One is a daredevil donkey

They found the shield, which has the scroll of pedigree

One word was scratched off and mistranslated as donkey

Depictions in Pop Culture - Movie Villain

Daytime Soap Opera – character reimagined as the uncle who kills his brother in order to impersonate him and inherit his family fortune

[mcvfd]

S04E03: Why is there a dolphin in Life Support?

The gang runs into their (very) old friend Nordom. Um doesn’t trust the computer. Nissa pees herself.

TL;DR: The gang accepts a side quest from the bartender to retrieve a shipment of booze from the Cargo Bay, where they find their old friend Nordom the Modron working as the station’s quartermaster! Wanting to avoid the open firefight on the Flight Deck, they decide to detour through Life Support and Engineering, where the Chief Engineer asks for their help to prevent a reactor meltdown. The gang gets vacsuits and inspects the coolant leak on the outside of the station, but ultimately return to the bar without fixing it. They trade a vacsuit (and the knowledge of the reactor meltdown) to get laser rifles for everyone.

Background

We were abducted into the future to participate into the History channel battle arena because we were history's worst criminals - after reading our wiki pages, that makes more sense.

We promised Marge we'd blow up the station to send us all back in time, and then escaped into the crew quarters. Then we went to the bar for a side quest and a mostly functional lazer pistol and a mission to go get booze.

Session

I think Nissa is drunk.

Carlos proposes a query to the "computer" about the flight deck, right next to the cargo bay. Mizz computer says there are many people on the flight deck. It includes many that would like to arrest us and also not Tiffani. She says there are 18 Ratings guards and 18 Ethics guards, and 8 guards from Ops Union (unaffiliated faction dedicated to maintenance) and a pilot.

[We realize we are wearing tan jumpsuits and will look like the neutral party]

Averlyth asks mizz computer what a flight deck is. We are told that it is a place where external ships fly in and dock - currently it is only automated supply drops, but prior to the mutiny, there were also tourist ships from the surface of our planet - Toril.

Nissa is extremely psyched about mizz computer, randomly asking her trivia questions and being ecstatic at the wealth of info. Um does not trust the computer because he doesn't understand how it works and it clearly doesn't work for us.

Carlos calls for an elevator without anyone in it, mizz computer has it ready near immediately. The group also quickly establishes the usecases for shooting the lazer pistol (when they are shooting us first). Elevator takes us to flight deck.

Door opens, we find ourselves in a gigantic semi-circular room with 6 hatches around the curve. 5 have red lights, 1 has a green light with a visible airlock past the open door. There are painted lines, periodic notifications over some sound system, a room above us with angled glass (and a ladder to the right of us). To the left there is a small bar with a robotic bartender and a single person nursing a beer.

Half airport, half truck stop. Most noticably, there are lazer scorch marks all over the wall, lights have been shot, abandoned forklifts (one of them is on fire). There is a squad behind each faction huddled behind makeshift barricades - it seems clear the fighting will resume when the next supply drop lands. The ops faction is in front of the entrance to the cargo bay.

There are also camera drones flying around.

Everyone is looking at us.

Carlos asks the computer who is in the cargo bay. It's Nordom the modron, who is quartermaster now! Apparently he does not have a wiki page (Carlos suggests editing it). We consider emailing him, or maybe contacting Nordom via the closest machine (Carlos asks if we can facetime him).

We see him on it the screen! It's been 31.8 centuries since we last saw him. Nissa makes the mistake of asking him how he got a job at the history channel and we lose like 15 minutes, but tl;dr he worked a lot of jobs (Nissa puts down in her wiki page that we did one good thing by getting him to this point).

Nordom says he's not allowed to leave but we're allowed to go to him. We celebrate!

We leave the elevator and both groups start shooting at us.

We sorta get out as a group, but it's clear that they're pretty exhausted, maybe not that invested in hitting us. The ops guard looks at us suspiciously, but

Nordom cheerfully requests for us to be let in.

The cargo bay is another half circle, things are organized, and we see Nordom surrounded by microdrones. He informs us that the guards blocked an elevator in the cargo bay - there are tons of things just piled up, but it would take time. Nordom starts trying to go for the ops guard and then Carlos and Nissa claim that we were a higher rank and that's why it's not worth notifying ops guard (the computer immediately tells Nordom that's not true and he is sad we lied to him).

We ask where the cargo is - Nordom tells us, but then notes it is a package for the captain, and that we are not authorized. Nissa asks how to get authorization - we take the option to bring the cargo "to the captain, to work it out between him and the bar".

After a quick group discussion, we decide to go through the cargo tunnel to the life support. We see a large zero gravity open space intended for full shipping containers. It's well-lit with caution signs and warning lights, even more lazer scorches. Each deck's hatch is locked or barricaded by that faction.

There are maintenance hatches scattered the length of the tunnel. We can see a barricade by the life support hatch that has caught on fire. A hatch on our left opens up , a custodial drone goes up, puts the fire out, and then leaves.

[The group discusses our plan - we decide the truth (bringing booze to the bar) is our best bet for getting access to the locations owned by the Ops maintenace faction]

We slowly float up non-threateningly. Nissa says we have booze for the bar - Ops guy says "hear that guys? Booze for the 'bar'!". They go to yank the crate. We unsuccessfully convince them to let go. Nissa casts calm emotions - all but two let go. The guy we're talking to and the one yanking at the crate are still pressing at us. Carlos fears them (and some others) - 4 guys freak out, wet their pants and run. We have about 15 seconds before they float too close to a barricade where they're going to get shot. Some of their guys cuss out and follow them, and we make our way into life support.

We see a lot of offices, with one or two people in each (sleeping in a chair or desk). On one side is an unguarded hatch for engineering, and another side is a blocked elevator. All of a sudden, we seem to hear a dolphin squeak over a speaker system, and it's nothing but "oh god, oh fuck oh we're going to die"

Um + Carlos: "Why is there a dolphin in life support?"

His name is all [squeaks clickson] but loosely translates to the glint of the water in the sunlight on the something something [please fill this in I forgot]. He's the head technician of the life support department. Mizz computer tells us it's a problem with the reactor, but the technician would know more. Carlos casts tongue on Um, and we plan to have Um sneak up to the pipe where the technician is to eavesdrop a bit first in case there's anything useful to listen to.

Sure enough, Um sees a large fishman swimming through the water coolant, and he says something about 30 hours left. He is definitely panicking. Um speaks through the terminal to grab his attention. He is excited to see "backup" and tell us about a cooleant leak and requests that Um goes get a vac suit. Um asks what a vac suit is - Squeaks is a little suspicious Um does not know what a vac suit is. Um leaves leisurely and not in a panic.

The group debates our route (if we preferred an elevator or the vacuum of space). We decide both paths involve going through engineering anyways. Going in, we see a dome with large pieces of machinery labeled "reactor #1" and "reactor #2". Even with our limited technological knowledge, it looks like every meter, gauge, and graph is in the red. The nearby offices have a lot of diagrams. The chief engineer shouts out that break time is over, there's a fire in the cargo tunnel, the ship is like ready to blow.

The group spends a very long time discussing what we want to do.

We decide to go up to the chief engineer and offer our help, noting that the head technician told us to come here. She's relieved at the backup, says it'll be good enough if we're engineers.

We get access to vac suits and go over to the closet. We very briefly discuss slashing the rest of the suits. We save one suit for Nordrom and a few extras just in case (should be valuable at the bar) and then head out the hatch.

We read the instructions about how to put on our suits, cycle the airlock and now we are in space. Nissa pees herself.

We can see the coolant leak as we're floating, and then we hear a chime but have no idea what it is. Then the computer tells us we have an incoming call from Flappy Lightspeed. Carlos answers the call. The pilot admits she's a spy from an enemy corporation and offers to trade the portal plans for a way off the ship. He tells her we'll get back to her.

We let ourselves back into the crew quarters. There are camera drones in the hallway now - Averlyth casts a 60ft range of darkness for 10 minutes and we sneak in. We turn the booze in after the bouncers let us in (with some confusion about the magical blackness).

Splash Gordon happily takes the supply and then takes us to the armory (we didn't get to see the combination). Carlos tries to get an explosive, and paying with important information about the reactant leak and everything going on across the ship. Splash's confident look drops for a split second as he pales from the revelation, and then he goes right back to selling us stuff.

When prompted for what else we could trade, we lightly comment on our extra vac suits and Splash promises one suit would get us one item per party member. Everyone goes for a gun, and we start figuring out what the future means in our inventory.

Mizz computer says, "Incoming call from the director".

[mcvfd]

S04E02: Why would a space station have exhaust ports?

Carlos pisses everyone off. Averlyth suspects Nissa will betray her. Um is going to explode.

TL;DR: The gang agrees to blow up the station in order to learn how to escape the arena. They make their way to the crew quarters, where they acquire uniforms. They meet the station’s AI, who helps them look at their wiki pages to find out why the future thinks they’re notorious criminals. After making their way to the bar, they wrestle with the ethical implications of what they’ve learned over drinks.

Background

Previously, we were abducted by the History channel, taken to the far future and forced to compete in gladiatorial combat with other historical criminals on a space station. We've discovered we're the future equivalent of Hitler (we don't really know why), met the nasty security chief who hates us, and died once.

We met Tiffani, a giant orc, who wanted to meet a friend, Marge. Marge told us to destroy the space station to send everyone back, and also informed us that there's a secret passageway in the jail.

Session

Carlos questions what if Marge is wrong - if we blow up the space station and we aren't sent back in time, we'll have blown ourselves up.

The group agrees to at least try the trap door, though we need to decide how to "die" first.

As the group discusses what to do, a countdown of 20 minutes starts on the sign and the lights dim a bit. Carlos positions himself in a strategic spot for pointing behind the security guards - he immediately hits wild magic and for the next minute is capable of teleporting up to 20 ft. The moment the fight begins, he plans to run into the middle of the guards, place a fireball on himself and teleport out, moonwalking out of the circle and smoking a joint on the flames.

The three guards start taking pot shots at him as he begins this plan; he realizes it's a bad idea to get that close and just casts fireball, teleporting back out. Only one of the guys dodges. All of the 10 guards are knocked to the ground, torched and looking bad, but none of them are dead.

Um shoots a crossbow bolt at one of the prone security guards - sticks an arrow in him, and then Averlyth finishes him off with a guiding bolt. Everyone's eyes are drawn to a mystically glittegg corpse. Nissa shoots a polymorph at a target by the door - a security guard disappears and a chicken appears in his gear (his companions are alarmed). Carlos shoots a firebolt to definitely roast the chicken, proposes "dinner is served" to the remaining guards, performs a passable moon walk.

Each of us get 2 guards shooting at us. We're getting bloody, and one of the guards hits a red "alarm".

Um shoots a crossbow bolt at another guard - he gets an arrow in the knee. Averlyth tries to hit the same target again, but misses.

Um (having taken no damage): "Remember, the goal is to die, so we're doing well!"

Nissa casts calm emotions so we can back off - 6 of the guards holster the guns. 2 of them are offended, "What the fuck? They killed Alex!". Carlos casts mage hand to flip off the remaining 2 guards.

Carlos stretches, Nissa eats a burrito. Um returns his crossbow to wherever he keeps it. One of us makes eye contact with Tiffani and she waves in amusement. The group decides to chill.

More and more camera drones come out as the countdown goes down, and the gnome ringmaster (Bront Laughtrack) comes out. He introduces the show, trash talks the group a lil bit  - lots of booing goes up the sign, but also some admirers in the chat. Lights, confetti, airhorns go off.

Carlos blows up a fireball to kill the group, but teleports out of the ball to execute his previous plan - he lights his joint with the fireball, flips off the cameras, does a fairly charismatic moonwalk. All of the cameras are on Carlos, the chat is booing him, gladiators are horrified but coming for him.

Carlos: "I am going to cast 34 magic pissiles"

Carlos whips it out, uses every spell slot to cast giant streams of pee to hit 34 different gladiators in the room (using the ring of grammarian). He dies.

Everyone wakes up with pink goo around us again; we didn't kill anyone, so no one is here with us. Um investigates under the bunk and finds a hacked out opening in the air duct. Then he gets dressed. Carlos looks in. It's definitely an air duct.

-- retroactive answers from Marge –-

The secret tunnel goes to an elevator shaft, we can jump across to the crew quarters which are contested territory. By that, she means there are different factions in the ship (some disagree with the gladiatorial combat).

Apparently no one who works for the ship has to fight. Team ratings is the name of the group in charge of broadcasts, the group that's in open mutiny is called team ethnics.

She emphasizes that we have to overwhelmingy destroy the station - a station of this size has failsafes, so we can't destroy only parts of it. Carlos asks about exhaust ports ("Why would a space station has exhaust ports?")

If we destroy the space station, Marge does not know or care about what happens to everyone else that didn't come through time.

Um: "Who is the computer?"

Marge: "How can I put this so you’ll understand it? The computer is a thinking rock. Imagine a crystal filled with lightning that is able to… Well, it's a talking rock."

Carlos: "Oh it's a talking rock, why didn't you say so?"

Marge told us that when she escaped, the cameras followed her around everywhere; eventually they cornered her and a group of security guards re-captured her.

--flashback over– -

Nissa blesses Um (advantage on dex), Averlyth casts a veil of shadows to causes us to leave no trace (+10 bonus to dex).

Mart shimmies out in front of the group. It goes out into what Marge described as an elevator shaft - long tunnel with doors and a moving box. Everyone feels remarkably dexterous and leaps across, prying the door open.

We find ourselves in a long narrow corridor with mood lighting, these panel things, fancy carpeting, lots of doors. Each door has a number.

Carlos spouts "Hello Computer" to a flashing light. The computer says "Hello!". Um says that was a lucky guess. Carlos asks a series of classified questions after assuming it's gender. Then, the computer acknowledges that she recognizes Carlos.

Averlyth asks for background info on Karen (unsuccessfully), then asks for a map and we are given one freely. We are allowed to ask questions about it.

The mutiny happened a month ago. We were abducted when the director broke into the portal room with security.

Carlos asks who the leader of Team Ethics is ("The Professor"). Um asks the computer about what the Mulmaster County Fire Department's group history was. She tells us about what access we have to the wiki page.

Carlos' Wiki Page

He had a remarkable childhood

He was a triplet, but was the only one that survived the first day

It was a horsefarmer/circus performer that delivered the babies

He juggled them

Freakishly a dog spooked a horse and distracted the juggler

He throws one of the babies into a windmill, he went down a well (no one checked)

The other brother had really severe asthma

Participance in the gang

Noodled around with gang shit as a teenager

Someone brought their girlfriend and she started deciding things

Then he wasn't asked to leave or anything, he left on his own

Then he met some of the OGs of MCVFV

They had to change their original gang name because it was taken

Post gang life

We were so famous, so rich, had anything we wanted

There was a lot of drinking and hard drugs

There was another gang, "motley crew", we liked to hang out with?

We were partying - in retrospect it was dumb - we got into a cart and were going down to the tavern for more mead because we ran out

Carlos tries to make the cart fly

It wasn't a good idea though to be honest

The horses were flying and killed a bunch of school children

He was kinda too drunk to tell

Historical perspective

His legacy is "bloodfarting yourself" - a way to say you've lived your life to the fullest, but without any regard for the safety of others or your loved ones, just someone who lives their life that way

Depictions in popular culture

There was a rock opera about Carlos's time, called "Flame On"

"Fireball" is used in every song

People don't really like the songs

When they did the rock opera on Broadway, he was played by Big Lebowski

Nissa's Wiki Page

She had a spoiled childhood

Grew up in a noble's household

Then everyone got slaughtered and she went into an insane rage

Membership in the gang

Everyone in the group tolerates her

She was a know-it-all

Post-gang life

Averlyth successfully converted Nissa

She started sneaking into the black library she gave to the Harpers as she gained permission to go in

Historical perspective

The future views her as a revolutionary

Nissa tried to make Neverwinter great again

Brought in an age of crushing dictatorship

Depictions in pop culture

Depicted as the villain in a movie

Was the one that sneakily took over power later

Um's Wiki Page

Early childhood - unremarkable

Stole from people that he thought were really wealthy, but were more like middle class

Participance in the gang - enthusiastic

Everything Um tried to do was misinterpreted by history, and it just got increasingly spun

Post-gang life - Exploded [citation needed]

Forgot to check the traps once

Historical Perspective - Trendsetter

Inspired a bunch of copy-cats for murdering rich people

Depictions in pop culture - song title about Um

Song written by someone who couldn't think of a title

Averlyth's Wiki Page

Childhood - Trauma

Born into Bane worship

Basically lived in the church

Sacrified a pet

Membership in gang - unwilling

Group isn't bad/evil enough

Wasn't able to convert anyone to Bane until way later

Post-gang life - prison

Betrayed by Nissa (her only convert)

Possibly making gangs in prison

Historical Perspective - Actions caused by an STD

"She said she was talking to Bane, but really?"

Probably hallucinations

Depictions in pop culture - her name has become slang

"probably has Averlyth Syndrome"

80% don't have symptoms, just pass it onto people

Nissa feels conflicted, doesn't think she's that evil. Averlyth is suspicious of Nissa but fixated on what she should be doing from the wiki. Carlos kinda likes his reputation, but thinks his wiki page was completely twisted. Um is feeling depressed on the inside.

What did the group's wiki page say?

We might've burned down never winter. We went back to mulmaster, trying to clear our name, set up a free rap concert in an act of good will but we brought peanuts and grandmaster P is allergic to peanuts so he killed a lot of people trying to puke.

We forgot what our plan was so we ask Siri and she recites it, opens up the door to a random cabin so we can look for uniforms (can't be worn with armor).

Siri says no one else knows we are here, then says we have one unread message from a bartender, Splash Gordon. He says he has a business preposition down the corridor (also in the crew quarters).

-- rewind –

DM Note: Whoops! I fucked up, and had you enter the level at the wrong point, which is why things weren’t working quite the way I thought they would!

We didn't jump out of an elevator, it was an air vent that dropped us into the empty locker room of a gym. We still found uniforms, Carlos still doodled a joint on a random family picture.

-- let's go –

As we make our way to the bar, the see the doors of the gym have been shut with a paper taped - "Gym closed due to hostilities fucking mutiny". Computer tells us there are 20 people in the bar. Splash Gordon is Lando Calrissian.

We move down the hallway, come around the curve and see the unmistakable bar. As we approach the bar, we see someone get thrown out. Guy shoves us as he passes. Bouncers let us in after eyeing us up and down. Bar is a completely different atmosphere, bartender gestures for us to go over.

Nissa strolls up and says hi. He doesn't ask where we're from, says information is valuable and he's got a job. The bar is running out of booze, got a bounty up but no one can retrieve it. Promises a lazer pistol upfront and more weapons after. Carlos and Nissa notice that the gun is not well maintained. Averlyth notices that it's permanently set to stun. We don't have a way to recharge it until we come back.

The group agrees to do this, but want a round of shots first. The group spends some time bartering info for the drink, then Averlyth trades healing services for a round. Nissa chugs it without even looking at what it was.

[mcvfd]

S04E01: History Channel Arena Combat

The gang get alien abducted, and their new boss is a real jerk. Kanye tries to flirt. Averlyth meets Bane. Everyone dies. (They got better!)

TL;DR: After a bit of downtime following the Thieves Guild competition, the gang is abducted by the History Channel, brought to the future on a space station and forced to fight in an arena combat reality show. After being beaten to death, they wake up in a prison cell, and the security chief taunts them with the idea they will be forced to fight and die every night for a television show, only to be cloned and forced to do it all again the next day. But one of the other gladiators wants to enlist the gang to help her send everyone back to their proper timelines — by blowing up the space station.

Background

We were gonna fight Assault Bae for stealing all our money but instead we kinda agreed with him and put him in charge.

What happened during the month of downtime?

Averlyth: Going with other gangs (continuing to inspire fear) on missions, acquires 3 contacts in other gangs that could hook us up with stuff in the future.

Carlos: attempted to train various crows in town to pickpocket the townspeople and bring him trinkets. Now he has crows that occasionally get him what he wants and also occasionally alert the police instead.

Kanye: spent his time acquiring knowledge, trying to learn how to make his weapon stay on fire. He's gained a new respect of fire ever since the flamethrower (and maybe also the Burnie Cinders thing). He now has +1 to attack and damage with a single weapon.

Nissa: Trying to improve skills, acquires 3 information tokens that she can use arbitrarily in the future (she “happens to recall” a factoid).

Satura: Trying to learn magic from the Ragin’ magin’s because she already fights well. Through intense training and memorization, she has gained an additional prepared spell. She has learned ensnaring strike.

Um: His therapist said to join a group, would make life more fulfilling. Spends the time trying to be a better person (or more neutral than evil).

One day we're all abducted by aliens (cannot confirm on anal probe).

Session Start

Abducted and sold to a gladiator arena! 3 dozen combatants, gravity isn't quite the same, and there's no sky, only stars and planets.

The "arena" looks as if it used to be a park. There is a sealed door at the far end, with flaking paint saying "Cargo Tunnel". Another marks "Elevator is closed" with a glowing red lock, another "Airlock" is barred up tight. There's "Security".

There's a sign behind us, with scrolling text and a grid of moving images. The text contains pictograms, from possibly hundreds of thousands of players.

A halfling we immediately dislike announces our presence ("The famous Multimaster County Volunteer Fire Department") on the History Channel Fighting Show Thing, every "bird" (camera drone) turns towards us, many crude gestures and cheering faces go down the screen, and we roll for initiative.

There are 36 dudes. Carlos Fears 3 of them and they make a beeline for the opposite direction. Nissa shoots a long-distance fart, perfected from her time in a library. 3 dudes will run into it.

Kanye wields a glaive, and makes his way up to the front of the group. As enemies approach within 10 ft, he gets an opportunity attack. Averlyth summons bees - all enemies that come near us will have disadvantage. Um climbs up the side of the arena.

2 guys bulldoze through the fart cloud, one stays there, retching. Someone throws a spear at Um (misses), a couple gets hits on the group.

Carlos makes a run for the Security tunnel and tries to Fear the guards. 4 of them appear afraid and go down the tunnel, 2 of them pull out janky hand crossbows and don't look skurred.

Nissa rides Kanye because he had a harness on (he was expecting it ), with such a flourish that people are stunned. She drives him around, he pokes at people with his pole arm. Averlyth keeps bees up, but maybe backs away from Kanye a bit as a precaution.

Um sneaks up on one of the security guards successfully, cracks one of the guards on the back of the head with an arrow, dropping him to his knees.

People aim for Um but miss, Kanye is hit by a long sword, Averlyth is hit by a dude, Nissa is hit a few. Guard pulls out a pistol and shoots Carlos.

Carlos chucks a lightning-style chromatic orb at the mofo; his armor is smoking, he staggers against the wall, but he hasn't gotten down yet. Carlos considers running down the hall, but the risk is too great.

Nissa criticizes someone's mom, Kanye tries to play good cop and bad cop at the same time by himself. Everyone is successfully weirded out, he's intimidated one of them into running away.

The sign has been circling us; in addition to the jeering and booing, there's some laughing faces. Averlyth heals everyone back up to max, and the faces are now mostly booing. Um takes another shot at the guard, but misses.

Averlyth gets hit by 2 guys, loses her concentration and the bees go away. Everyone gets hit a bunch, the announcer comes up, saying we haven't had a strong opening, asks who wants to place bets.

Carlos bets 1000 on the group because he has the band fund. The system disallows this action. Then he chugs a health potion and sends a goddamn fireball at the entire group of gladiators. One third of the dudes are dexterous enough to only take half damage. No one is dead, but some people are pretty unhappy, although the crowd is putting in fire emoji. Carlos tries to a cartwheel and falls on his face, but he sells the landing.

Nissa goes for the guards, hitting them but they're still standing. Kanye goes for a backflip - Nissa is all prepared to catch but then Kanye whiffs it and then twists around to make it look good maybe.

Averlyth creates 3 duplicates of herself after also chugging a health potion, but makes it harder for people to hit her. Um shoots a guard in the ass.

People finally hit Um with spears after he's been taking potshots all day. Two guys bring Averlyth down to 0 despite the clones, keep hacking away at her after. Kanye gets pounded, Nissa is damaged hard, Carlos is also unconscious now.

Miraculously, Carlos immediately wakes up at 1 hit point, starts apologizing to everyone that's ever wronged him, promises to be better, then shoots yet another fireball at the gladiators. They're fucked up, but still not dead yet.

Nissa kills the sad one with depression. Kanye gestures to Carlos that he would like to leave for unicorns and spa day. Carlos vaguely registers the signage while basically dead and gives him the OK. Averlyth remains slumped over.

Um tries to shoot a guard and misses; guard tries to shoot him and misses. Then more people shoot Um with a spear and now he is more spear than people. Everyone in the group is dead except for Kanye who's spitting blood at everyone at 1 health.

The biggest orc we've ever seen walks up and knocks Kanye out.

(fade to black)

Individually, we come back to awareness as we fall to the ground in a metal room, falling out of a container filled with pink goop. We're taken to a communal jail with everyone in the group. Everyone is recovering much faster than expected, though also naked.

Old mean looking elf, Security Chief Karen Krull approaches the cell; her guards throw our armor through the bars, she chastises them rudely for some random shit. Kanye shoves his scroll of pedigree into her face, she says she knows who he is. Carlos asks if we're free to go. Karen says no. Carlos asks if we can watch TV. Karen says no. Carlos asks if we can just like maybe not go back to the arena, Karen starts questioning his sanity, then entertains herself, mockingly asking if we really don't know what's going on. Carlos says he knows what's going on, but his friends don't.

Karen reveals that we are 3000 years far in the future, that we are the worst people in history and people hate us, but notes that we might not know yet what we did. Nissa sees no vents or holes in the cell, Um doesn't recognize the lock on the cell. Kanye roughly tries to familiarize himself with the security chief, Averlyth notices that the guards were a variety of species.

Um comments that we didn't see any magic, but it's probable there are still magic users in the area. Nissa sees graffiti under a bench - it's the same sign that Averlyth keeps drawing everywhere (she swears it isn't her handwriting).

DM: "I'm not going to make you roll for this, you would get it from contextual clues-"

Carlos: "It's just a penis"

The symbol was put into the wall by a former prisoner, seemingly carved by a weapon, but unmistakably the gauntlet of Bane. What's strange is that the icon is hidden, usually it's out in the open to inspire fear and all that. Averlyth investigates the sign, and then communicates to Bane under the bench. Um also goes under the bench, notices Averlyth's eyes have rolled back in her head, surprisingly doesn't kick him out. She has sent out a message to Bane; usually, it's a one-way message, where the god gives you a sense of approval or support as appropriate, but this time she immediately finds herself in a dark room, before Bane. Bane says something godly like:

Bane: "Averlyth? How the fuck are you here?"

As it turns out, Averlyth had become known for being his best supporter, and people still fear Bane because of her. She also supposedly died centuries ago. He promises her to support her if she needs his help as the connection starts fading away. She wakes up, stammers that she thinks she just met Bane, then suggests to Carlos that he should worship him.

Guards escort us back to the entrace of the arena. At first, no one has noticed us, and the mobs are going after each other. We investigate around the arena, see a cargo tunnel that we could clear out with an hour of concentrated effort. Carlos proposes to turn Kanye into gas and put him through a crack so he can start clearing it out from the other end, but before we can start, the giant female orc walks up to us, introduces herself as Tiffani and apologizes for the first impression.

Kanye greets her back in Orcish. Tiffani is delighted by the small person we have trained to speak Orcish. We pretend we weren't looking for an exit and she says she wants to introduce us to her "small friend". While walking with Tiffani, everyone avoids us, practically diving out of her way.

She takes us across the arena, where some people are guarding a small female human who is not particularly well armored. She is counting things or talking to herself? Then seems glad when Tiffani comes back, introduces us to Marge Zuckerberg. She asks if we know what's going on, Carlos says he does but his friends don't.

She says she needs us to destroy the portal; Averlyth asks what the portal is and then she's mad that Carlos said we already knew what was going on, proceeds to explain that the portal took us from time. She says that it will put us in a position to reset everything back to before the portal was accessed.

After frustrating Marge with "too many questions", we finally agree to help her blow up the portal. She details the security (the fact that there are no cameras in the cells) and the existence of a security hatch underneath the bench, Kanye asks if we've done this once before. She elaborates in real big words why it's not Groundhog day.

The group plots.

[mcvfd]

Season 4 Opening Scene

You awaken on one side of a large open space. You sit up, wiping a layer of gritty sand and dirt from your hair. The air smells of sweat and blood. There are a number of hazards scattered around, like large logs bristling with spikes. The arena is filled with perhaps three dozen combatants, fighting alone or in small groups. Shouts, grunts, battle cries, and cursing fill the air. Fuck. You don’t remember it happening, but you must have been abducted and sold to a gladiator arena.

After a moment, however, you realize that where you would expect to see open sky, you can see a metal and glass dome overhead, offering a view of stars and a planet. Between this sight and the fact that gravity doesn’t feel quite right, you are sure this is no sorcerer’s trick. Your first thought is that you have died and entered the realm of the gods, and are being forced to fight for their pleasure.

But there are little hints that make you think this isn’t any sort of afterlife. Everything feels and smells too real for that. Plus, as you dodge an arrow flying your way, you notice it looks like this place wasn’t always a gladiator arena. If you didn’t know better, you’d guess it was a public park. There’s a small pond over there with a decorative bridge over it. The water is muddy and bloody now, but you can imagine it clean.

Over on the far wall, there’s what looks like a doorway that has been sealed shut, and the sign mounted above it has been hastily painted over, but the paint is flaking off enough to make out that it said “Cargo Tunnel.” Now that you look around, you spot similar doors around the space. The one marked “Elevator” is closed and has a glowing red lock symbol on the wall near it. The one marked “Airlock” has been sealed shut with metal bars welded across. The only open door is the one marked “Security,” which is guarded a group of men, though you don’t recognize the type of armor they wear.

There’s a loud squealing noise that fills the space, causing all fighting to halt, and everyone to wince. All eyes turn in your direction, though it takes you a moment to realize they are not looking at you, but at a large sign behind you. Turning to look, you see the sign is covered with moving words and pictures, and divided into several sections. On the left side of the sign is a constantly scrolling wall of text. It’s written in Common, but you can’t understand the most of the words. Perhaps some form of guild language or dialect? The only thing that makes sense is that the text is regularly interspersed with small pictograms of smiling or cheering faces. You get the impression that many hundreds of people are all somehow putting their thoughts on the sign.

The rest of the sign is divided into a grid, showing moving images from various places around the arena. Looking back and forth, you suddenly realize that the images you see are being captured by a group of what you first assumed were birds, but can now see are some sort of automaton, each with one large eye in the middle of their head. They swoop around the arena, following particular fighters. You realize there are several pointed directly at you.

One image in the grid does not show the arena, however. It shows the looming face of a male halfling wearing some sort of ornate uniform made from the most gaudy colors you’ve ever seen. His hair is slicked back, and his smile is almost painfully broad. As he speaks, the last lingering bits of combat die down.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m so glad you’ve chosen to join us this evening! It’s a very special night here on History Channel Arena Combat. Now, we’ve had some real bad hombres in here before. You know them, you love them, you love to watch them get killed. But joining us tonight? Ooooh, I get shivers just thinking about them. Joining our show with an exclusive contract — you won’t see them anywhere else! — are the most notorious criminals of all time. Introducing, for the first time in broadcast history: The MULMASTER COUNTY VOLUNTEER FIRE DEPARTMENT!”

As he says your group’s name, several things happen. Nearly every eye drone in the space turns to face you. The sound of air horns fills the air and confetti rains from the air. The pictograms on the board almost all change to jeering faces and thumbs-down signs, as well as other, more rude gestures.

Most notably, however, every other gladiator turns on the spot and charges towards your group.

Roll initiative.

[mcvfd]

Season 3 Recap

Following the events of Season Two, the acting Spymaster of Neverwinter, Q the Quartermaster, offered the group a choice: a pardon to clear their names (honoring the original deal offered by Tulip before her betrayal), or come work for the Spy Guild as undercover agents.

Q had use for a group of adventurers with an established reputation as hardened criminals to infiltrate the Thieves Guild and provide Q with information to help keep them in check.

The group agreed, and were surprised to find their entrance to the Thieves Guild nearly effortless when it was revealed that PP was secretly the son of the Capo of the guild!

Capo Crunch welcomed the group, and two things became clear: First, he was desperate to reconnect with his estranged son, and he thought the competition he was about to announce would be an ideal way to do so.

The Capo announced that he was ready to retire, and to determine his successor, he invited every gang in Neverwinter to participate in a contest to see who could steal the most before the contest ended.

The group joined, and over the next few months pulled off a number of heists and jobs (including robbing the zoo!) that placed that in a comfortable lead ahead of most of the gangs, only really sparring with one other gang for the top spot.

Then on the last day of the competition, all of the gang’s gold was stolen. They scrambled to investigate and managed to discover that another gang called the Ragin’ Magin’s was behind the theft, but they had been assisted by Assault Bae, the Capo’s right-hand man, who was annoyed at being passed over for the leadership position. He’d arranged for the Mages to win the competition in exchange for them handing power over to him after a year or so.

Now confronted by the MCVFD, Assault Bae gave an impassioned speech explaining that the Capo’s son was not qualified to run the guild. To his surprise, the group agreed, and a deal was worked out that would allow the group to keep the gold they’d stolen in exchange for allowing Assault Bae’s plan to take over the guild proceed.

[mcvfd]

S03E17: The Only Winning Move Is Not To Play

Averlyth is still drunk. Assault Bae doesn’t want P.P. to be the Capo of the Thieves Guild. No one disagrees. Satura looks for an excuse to tie someone up.

TL;DR: The gang finally makes it to the secret library at the center of the Ragin Magin’s hideout, where they discover Assault Bae, who confesses he helped the Mages because he can’t stand the idea of P.P. being the next Capo. P.P. having wandered off, the group found themselves agreeing, and worked out a deal that gets everyone paid and lets Assault Bae become the next Capo.

Background

Scott came up with a 20 door puzzle that would take either 5 minutes or 2 hours.

4 hours later, we finished the puzzle.

All of the 20 doors were traps, and the group almost opened every single door.

The monkeys gave away the answer to the puzzle, also Averlyth is drunk.

Session Start

The four of us (Um, Satura, Averlyth and Nissa) go into the Mage's hideout.

There's a chandelier, overstuffed armchairs, bookshelves, fireplaces, a welcoming scene.

In the back corner there are 2 arcane runes. Nissa and Satura recognize the runes as generic arcane circles - any spellcaster that spells on the circle gains advantage, but disadvantage in other things.

Most notably, there are at least 5 (not-wet) mages wearing slightly different colored robes. 4 look normal, 1 looks like the head. The last person in the room is Assault Bae. The mages have poofed the monkeys.

Nissa points at Assault Bae accusingly: "What are you doing here?'.

Assault Bae: "First of all, where's P.P.?"

When we reveal he is gone, there is a flash of rage, and then it's gone.

Assault Bae's monologues for awhile, and reveals his motivation is not to let P.P. run the thieves guild.

Um: "That sounds about right."

Averlyth proposes 2nd place, Assault Bae doesn't trust us not to do a last-minute heist, gives us some time to think about it.

Um: "Maybe we should flood them"

Nissa throws her hands up: "No harm to the books!"

Um: "Really? That's the hill you want to die on?"

The group discusses motivations.

Nissa: "I want access to the libraries! This is non-negotiable."

Um: "I just want gold."

After making up their minds:

Averlyth: "Assault Bae!!! We came to a conclusion!"

Assault Bae: "What did conclude?"

Averlyth: "Satura's going to tie P.P. up"

Satura: "OH yeah, she's still drunk..."

Satura holds Nissa up to deliver the rest of the message.

The group will play along, pretend we didn't win. Only one member (Nissa) gets access to the library, everyone stays members of the guild. Um wants money - Assault Bae offers honoraium until he is established as Capo, but would want vials of blood for safety. Averlyth doesn't want it.

The group wants the money back 90 days after the Assault Bae has been firmly established as Capo or else we're telling the current Capo. There is an agreement, and there should be a hand-off.

Averlyth: "Should we make sure P.P. isn't present at the ceremony?"

Satura: "I can make sure of that"

Averlyth: "I was asking Assault Bae.."

The group goes to Thundertree to report to Q around 10 o'clock at night. Averlyth knocks on the door, Phteven opens the door in a silken kimono, stammers and then runs and grabs Q.

Q asks what's up - Averlyth claims we have good news and put in a new Capo. Q doesn't entirely believe us, so Nissa tries to bluff our way through, Q is still suspicious that we are hiding something.

Averlyth confesses that P.P. is related to the Capo and "that's why we couldn't let him run the Thieves guild, he had ulterior motives". All in all, the group promises to remain under cover and that the Thieves guild will maintain the status quo. The group gets paid 1000 gold each (for reporting in) and decides to stay the night in the city.

The next morning we arrive at the Thieves guild. Our account still has a single gold coin, everyone is gossiping about the the ascension of Wolf Pack and the downfall of the firefighters.

We see Wolf Pack sitting mysteriously in the corner booth. Satura looks intimidating at him. He asks if we got our gold back.

The Capo and Assault Bae show up. Assault Bae makes a mental note that we're here, Capo starts rambling about the competition.

Just before he announces the winner ("Wolf Pack"), the mages make a dramatic entrance, wearing the most obnoxious fuschia robes and blasting airhorns (Averlyth helps). One of them deposits a metric fuckton of gold into the vault, and the crowd is going wild. Wolf Pack raises an eyebrow and it stays there.

Capo: "You know what? Fair game. I said the point of this competition was to see who was the best thief, whos deserves to run the guild, and there is no doubt that stealing from thieves is the greatest challenge. You guys pulled it off, and I am pleased to announce that the Ragin' Magin's get to appoint the next Capo".

Assault Bae gestures us to go to the hallway, and we appear to slink off in defeat. He lets us know his plan about him being "reluctantly" appointed Capo in a few months (when the Ragin Magin's are having a "surprising amount" of difficulty running the Thieves guild), at which point he will pay us back. So we have some time to kill.

What would everyone do with unstructured time?

Nissa: Trying to improve skills, acquires 3 information tokens that she can use arbitrarily in the future (she "happens to recall" a factoid).

Um: His therapist said to join a group, would make life more fulfilling. Spends the time trying to be a better person (or more neutral than evil).

Satura: Trying to learn magic from the Ragin' magin's because she already fights well. Through intense training and memorization, she has gained an additional prepared spell. She has learned ensnaring strike.

Averlyth: Going with other gangs (continuing to inspire fear) on missions, acquires 3 contacts in other gangs that could hook us up with stuff in the future.

About a month later, around 10 o'clock one night, there is suddenly a bright light shining down on everyone in the group. Everyone is floated up through the beam, and then knocked unconscious by the light. When everyone comes to, we realize we are lying on a dry, dusty, sandy floor. Then, we become aware of quite a lot of noise around us - grunts, screams, cheering, amplified narrations.

When we open our eyes, the first thing we see is our whole crew is here, all coming out of unconsciousness around the same time.

Looking around, we confirm what we hear - there is a raging melee happening right now. There are men, women, aliens, all equipped with a variety of weaponry, swords, crossbows that shoot beams of light, crazy things we've never seen before.

When we look up, we see a large dome - beyond that is stars, and a large planet floating overhead. Blue and green.

There is a large sign showing a lot of numbers, statistics - hard to parse while groggy. But we see each of our own names on the screen individually, with a very small number attached, and a thumbs down next to each name. The people around us are using a vernacular we've never heard before, using pictographic signs we haven't seen before, animations of people doing weird things.

Mounted above the screen, there is a large bronze, capital letter "H" matching the one we saw in the future.

Growingly we come to realize we are in some sort of arena, where we have been abducted to fight for someone else's pleasure.

-- End Season 3 --