mcchunkys

[mcchunkys]

this... sucks... why can't everyone be taken care of in a good society? why..

[mcchunkys]

apparently open g would do well with getting other ppl to look for shit for me????????????????????? like just lean into this?????? and don't try to do it myself??????? like partner, furniture, answers, everything?????? i WANT this life omg. but i don't trust my family to be the ppl to find these for me lol. one day i will find the ppl who can do this for me.

[mcchunkys]

what i'd like to experience by surrounding myself with compatible ppl/friends:

- being cared for in a more respectful way

- being able to have conversations that i can't have with family, having my thoughts be appreciated

- being taken on trips

- playing games together

- having ppl to accompany me on activities (like photography sessions)

[mcchunkys]

really hate that using spices is hard for me and i keep causing myself to get repulsed by these ingredients that i bought to help make cooking more convenient. i hate this. i hate that i made so much cheese sauce that i'm already feeling repulsed by. what am i going to do with so many containers of it. i hate it so much. can mom deal with it? she should. maybe i'll get her to dispose of it or whatever. stupid. i hate cooking so much. i hate being hungry and tired and unheard. stupid. i hate it.

[mcchunkys]

if my sister could stop being a stupid bitch who thinks my facial expressions are calculated by me to make her feel bad, that would be great thanks

[mcchunkys]

hate my family's pattern of not rlly helping me and just stressing me out while i'm trying figure my shit out by myself and nourish myself without adequate support. and then policing how i react to this pattern. no. go fuck urselves.

[mcchunkys]

here i am again, after getting bored and checking out HD again and getting neurotic over what it says yet getting into a mental spiral over whether or not i should keep using it as a tool. can i say for sure HD has no accuracy? no. i think it can have accuracy. but just bc it can have accuracy doesn't make it a good tool. there are other factors that go into making something a truly supportive tool. and it doesn't meet those standards sadly. and there are other frameworks and efforts and tools and focuses that i can use to arrive at my nourishment and self-understanding. eating well and having support has been something that's helping nourish me at a higher level, in a very natural and automatic sort of way? whereas i imagine trying to keep using HD and other energetic stuff would just keep me at the same sort of hyper-responsible and self-blaming unnourished state of being. sorry. i wanna remember that food and love is my best bet rn

[mcchunkys]

i guess i probably don't wanna burn bridges that don't need to be burned and do things i will regret. so, what are the facts? that my family isn't able to give me the support i need to be okay. they do give support in the way of a home and food and facilities and housework. and that's a lot of good things to have. so i don't wanna disrespect and dismiss the presence of that. but at the same time, i have tried my best to be functional and healthy in this environment for years and it has not gone very successfully for me. i am feeling not bad right now so i'm biased to say i'm getting by. but i gotta remember i do have times where i am struggling and feeling unsafe and unsupported in this house. do i wanna do a big blame game and be mad at my family members? rn, no. i just wanna acknowledge that they're not okay in themselves and can't give me what i need and let that be that while i make moves to go towards a life where i am understood and cared for and validated. maybe i will have more different and complex feelings as time goes on and i want to write and talk them out just as i did today. i hope that will give me clarity and peace. thank u

[mcchunkys]

principles and pieces of advice that i picked up from metaphysical spaces still pop up in my mind when i'm trying to figure out what's best for me and sometimes it is just annoying :[ has HD been a reliable tool for me to get success? not rlly, it's helped with gaining awareness to certain concepts and validating human experiences and differences. has astrology been a reliable tool for me to get success? not rlly, but again it helped a bit with awareness and validation. law of attraction a la h*cks? manifestation a la phillips? psychic healing/mastery? whatever the hell h***** was on abt? whatever the hell ab** was on abt? whatever twitter metaphysics weirdos, star****, ascension 5d ppl, glossary, etc etc. have they been reliable sources of success for me? no!

what has actually helped me tho? hormonal healing. self-inquiry and journalling. taking care of my needs.

[mcchunkys]

all those resources and healthy foods are valuable, but only bc they support ur ability to be healthy and thrive. they are not so valuable in the sense that u have to bend over backwards in service of them. they are valuable in service to YOU. if u have to waste some bc u can't consume it without harm that day, that's fine. u are taking ur own ease into consideration. u r also still learning and experimenting, and mistakes happen. maybe u will need extra support and reassurance to rlly internalise this, which is understandable. it's all ok

[mcchunkys]

missing the process of making bread

[mcchunkys]

i don't wanna think of life like that...

[mcchunkys]

i've said a wrong thing!!!!! factually wrong!!! but ahhh!!! whatever!!!

[mcchunkys]

i don't have to "try to be more open-minded" i can just fucking not vibe with what i don't vibe with. piece of shit

[mcchunkys]

i know i wouldn't want to live and die by HD advice so i'm going to disregard it and allow myself to live my fucking life

[mcchunkys]

bumblebee was a nice thing to watch, i liked it

[mcchunkys]

ok metaphysical psychic stuff squicks me out i can't