mattochocinco - Tumblr blog

[mattochocinco]

Things work out if you give them time. I’m glad to come back to this blog and be able to forget the people I blogged about and move onward.

2018 will be a big year. It will be the last year of an open relationship and the first of a life long one, Japan, all in, and everything in between.

If you’re among the handful of people who constantly visit my blog (I have someone in Reno Nevada who frequents, so whenever you are, thank you and hello) I’m cool for the time being. I hope to one day find out who you are. Maybe I know you. Maybe I did. Maybe I don’t. Who knows; only you.

Happy new year kids. Stay dreamin’.

Majima

[mattochocinco]

commencement

 thought i was bad last year, but a year later i’m dead broke, severely ill, and out of options. what a fitting way to go out, isn’t it?

this isn’t a suicide note or anything that would implicate me or someone else in a dangerous situation. i’ve just simply chosen to fade away than to burn out. With these circumstances, it’s important that the air is cleared, things are addressed and the record is set.

i’m fully aware that no one reads this. but perhaps by the time that i perish, which i have reason to believe will happen sooner rather than later, someone will come on here and see the story of a troubled dude, wrestling with morality and purpose.

i was being psychologically, emotionally, and mentally abused at my prior job--the one that caused me to resign. this was done by an individual, my boss, who was aware of my depression and anxiety--but someone who has mental health issues themselves. i allowed it to happen until i’d had enough.

that leaves me here--a failed charity owner with nothing in the bank, exhausting favors and chasing down year-old repayments. and a man with a ton of regret.

@charmante--charmante hi mollie. I’m tagging you here for the first and only time in the hopes that you will just read the words here. i hope you are happy and healthy. but there is a lot that you need to know that neither amanda and i told you.

and you’re thinking “havent they gotten over it?” amanda and i spent the last year trying to replace you. we’re still looking for that #3 and facing rejection on all of those avenues, willing to settle for anyone in hopes that they’d compare to you. we haven’t gotten over it. amanda recently told me how she used to text you or leave voice mails months after. she’s never done things like that to anyone she had feelings for. i would know.

i’ve exhausted my apologies to you, but i am sorry. the perception that i was some white knight who manipulated you and didnt care isn’t totally true. i did manipulate you because i wanted you to myself. i fell in love with you--and amanda did, too. we’re still obsessed--we still think about you every week. on facebook, if i’m around your job or if something reminds me, i always post as if...as if you died. and i do it because maybe you’ll never come back. youll never talk to us again, and thats fine, we’ve accepted it. we were both selfish to begin with. we wanted to spend our lives with you. and, hey, you made a traditional, fundamental right-wing catholic question if she was into girls. she still questions it. what a victory of itself.

i never thanked you. im glad i could help you in that moment to move on from “matthew”--an abuser far worse than i ever was. im glad you found chris, who’s always been a good guy. ill never forget how you came all the way up here, and i repaid the favor, just to be around you. you were a terrific friend. and you still are to people who deserve it.  you made amanda happy when i couldn’t. you saved our relationship but made it hunger, still. thank you.

since you’ve always appreciated the arts, i am leaving you some things that you will enjoy by yourself and with chris.

our final goodbye was a year ago, and i have the last text you sent me. i kept your voice messages. all relics that bring me happiness. take care of yourself and chris.i love you, and i always will.

big miz, i’ve got a bunch of things for you also, don’t worry. thanks for being a friend--a frustrating one--but a friend for all of these years.

to the foundation--take care of it. poverty still exists. i’m beginning the process of becoming an organ donor--ive got plenty of parts that can help people, i bet. i have a closet full of clothes i don’t wear that would be better suited on someone else. i’ll leave my clothes as a final donation.

and to you, the casual reader, thanks for making me feel important for this one post. i’m not going to hurt myself or anyone else. i’m past that  i’m just waiting for the inevitable.

you can text, call, facebook, twitter or whatever if you, the reader, needs anything. i took a vow to give until the very end--even if there isn’t much to give.

too sweet,

matty

[mattochocinco]

the weather

sometimes i feel things changing in the weather. unusual trends. usual trends, even.

sometimes i wonder how my friend in nevada is doing. you know, the weather girl. she’s killing it, i bet. making awesome friends whom i feel she treats well because they treat her well in return. i think she’s still with ken, who i always felt was the only person on SGA who respected me. i think she’s happy.

and regardless of the fiasco that happened with spring weekend and her ignoring me its like well man, it was worth it. i dont think jac had been happy in a long time, and i feel that now she is. and that brings me joy. she’s achieving her dream, and is happy at the same time. 

i was angry at her for a while, for sure. but i got over it. i forgave. and in retrospect, i understood. obviously i wish the ending wasn’t so harsh, but good things came to an end and in essence, i’m grateful that i got to know someone like her. she’s a strong woman who’s endured a ton and is now, seemingly, has achieved what she was looking for. someone like that--who i learned from and someone who was there for me like jac was...lets face it, will never be a rival of mine regardless of how much i’ve been hurt or whatever. 

remember the time that the dude died on campus and i texted you that i was uncomfortable? you, the student government prez, came to the courtyard and ignored everyone who acknowledged you--and you hugged me. you told me it was okay. no one had done that for me.

that’s on the off chance that you even read this, someday. i guess i just wanted that jaclyn back. but times change, people change, and situations change. it’s a harsh reality that i’ve learned the hard way.

as for me, the only thing that changed was me trying to make a name for myself in this world--or for others. perhaps that isn’t a change after all. i’m still a strong advocate. i’ve been affected by racism more than i’d like to admit. i’m still not remotely happy because unfortunately, the jaclyn thing hadn’t been the worst case that happened in 2016---i’m a divider, i’ve learned. i had a good thing with a woman named mollie that i botched, and i cost my girlfriend her best friend of 16 years. i’m not good with that kind of stuff. or keeping a job. that’s a story for another blog.

but if there’s anything i have a talent for, it’s letting people use me. i believe that while i’m probably hard to know, i have a heart for others. suffering angers me, and i want to make people’s lives better. so i created a charity. a 501c3 organization based off of my greatest talent: giving away. kind of like that pearl jam lyric from “given to fly”: and he still gives his love, he just gives it away; the love he receives is the love that is saved. its very true in many ways, in the different types that this lyric can be interpreted.

that’s the one thing i love about myself, and it enables me to love people back. i can go to a wrestling show and feel like the fans are family to me, because that’s how i am. i’m still very depressed; but it’s a morbid “im used to it” feeling combined with making the best out of it. i may never be in a state where i can say that i’m happy; but i certainly feel happy moments. and i spend my time waiting for that next happy moment. but i’m not there yet. i don’t think i’ll ever be.

oh well. happy 2017 and what not. if one of yous---jaclyn or someone else reads this--i’ll always have your back. my number hasnt changed nor wont change (the phone changed, finally) at one time you were there for me, and i made a promise to always be there for you. 

otherwise i’ll be in the shadows, nodding in approval of your successes, people.

until i fade away.

/-

[mattochocinco]

the ballad of joanna, mollie, & jockers

I could liken you to a werewolf The way you left me for dead But I admit that I provided a full moon

And I could liken you to a shark The way you bit off my head But then again I was waving around a bleeding open wound

But you were such a super gal 'Til the second you got a whiff of me We're like a wishing well And a bolt of electricity But we can still support each other All we gotta do is avoid each other Nothing wrong when a song ends in a minor key Nothing wrong when a song ends in a minor key

The lava of a volcano Shot up hot from under the sea One thing leads to another And you made an island of me

And I could liken you to a chemical The way you made me compound to compound But I'm a chemical too Inevitable you and me would mix

And I could liken you to a lot of things But I always come around 'Cause in the end I'm a sensitive guy I know the fiction of the fix

But you were such a super gal 'Til the second you got a whiff of me We're like a wishing well And a bolt of electricity But we can still support each other All we gotta do is avoid each other Nothing wrong when a song ends in a minor key Nothing wrong when a song ends in a minor key

[mattochocinco]

i over-invest in people; that’s why i’ll never own stocks.

[mattochocinco]

i’ve been in two kinds of locker rooms--one primarily of straight men, the other of gay men.

“i can grab her pussy/dick” or any abusive comments were never made.

you talk about the rack on your social studies teacher, or how to make a move on a girl in a locker room. or, in the inverse in a gay one.

and mind you, those types of discussions happened rarely because we’d be discussing the game, something good in practice, or we’d be barred from having conversation by coach.

in the locker room with mostly gay, it was gossip about how stuck up the female employees were, and how shitty management was.

that dude’s hopes? finito

[mattochocinco]

some people want to re-do moments. i wish i could restart life as someone else.

[mattochocinco]

life comes from within your heart and desire.

[mattochocinco]

no explosion can keep me down ~ thanks for the well wishes. im ok

[mattochocinco]

and obviously i could have done it differently, but this scenario called for me to be painted as a horrible human being so to prevent feelings of love from occurring again between the two of us

[mattochocinco]

If you like more of this, follow @psych2go​

[mattochocinco]

KOHH

Portrait

Photo:Rie

[mattochocinco]

but anyway amanda should be the only one allowed to make the mac and cheese because the one i made is burnt and shitty as hell 

[mattochocinco]

but to every un-perfect story, every un-perfect show there’s a bunch of plot holes. like it’s hard to play the role of ‘obsessed, possessive dude with girlfriend’ without trying some really freaky shit like showing up to person being obsessed’s job, or house, or kink parties, or something. or constantly calling and harassing even over a month after the fact.

[mattochocinco]

and clearly like some of the nonsense was unplanned and unexpected, but for a reason. julia called me a ‘white knight’ because she was going through some personal drama of her own and took it out on anyone with a penis and ended that friendship, that was unpleasant and unplanned. but at the end of the day, everything happened for a reason and both myself and moll are probably better people because of it.

[mattochocinco]

i’m glad the whole “act like an asshole to get people you care about to be happy” thing worked on moll, at least. i was blessed with the burden of persuasion. and maybe acting.

and I'm not remotely trying to take credit but i did it to protect myself (and her to a large extent) and it worked and everyone is happy. it was definitely hard but the fact that she had been a bit dishonest was reason enough

a chapter closed! 

who else can i make happy?

[mattochocinco]

broken crosseyed is a perfect couple because neither of them have backbones and they're both weak Strong women 2k16 over her babaydadday