mattfred

[mattfred]

Bunny

I never got to meet you. You were a person I desperately wanted in my life. I wanted to see a little piece of me, formed from nothing but love, cradled in my arms. You were going to be a wonderful person, learning and loving and questioning and playing in our house. You were going to be the best parts of us. I never heard you cry or laugh. You were going to be a complete person. I was going to…

[mattfred]

Big changes (video!)

A lot has changed since my most recent post here. I’m divorced again. For similar reasons. I guess I’ve learned by now that I have a type, lol. I’ll learn my lesson some day. Anyway, I’m now untethered, I work fully remotely at a rewarding job, and I’m planning on seeing the world at my leisure in a few weeks. And because many of you are friends and family, I want to share it with you. I’m…

[mattfred]

Going Away

I need to go. I’m in limbo. Immersed in a swamp of bittersweet memories and impossible futures. The only reason I stayed is to be near kiddo. But that means I’m also near my ex. I’m still in love with the wraith of what she was, and it remains difficult to distinguish that shadow from who she really is. I told myself that I would not abandon my stepdaughter, but I’m not really a parent anymore.…

[mattfred]

Memory Dump

Yesterday I worked with my ex to clean out our shared storage unit. I did not expect a jolly time, but I should have expected the parade of memories and extinguished hopes. My expectations of interaction with my ex were higher than they should have been. As I’ve written before, I have the selfish urge to have attention paid to me. I thought there would be more of “us” time versus just getting…

[mattfred]

Data Points and Catharsis

Feel free to peek into my journal. This is me - trying to heal.

I’m going to continue writing here. I’ve been encouraged by my therapist to keep a journal, and that seems to be what this blog is becoming, at least for now. One goal is the maintenance of my current emotional (relative) steadiness. I’m discovering what triggers emotional spiraling. As an engineer and general sciencey type dude, I’ve been collecting data points. Specifically, I’ve been looking…

[mattfred]

The show must go on

My previous post implied that everything was much better. While that’s not wrong, there’s so much that could be better. I still feel overlooked. Like there’s not really anyone who sees me as a priority. It’s not an unearned feeling, either. I really am not a priority for anyone. I made plans with three different people (including my ex) in the past two days to meet up. They all bailed. Instead…

[mattfred]

i opened the pressure relief valve

My emotions over the past week have been intense. Painful. I’ve burst into tears of sorrow and anger. I was boiling, with steam blurring my vision and heat informing my thoughts and actions. It hurt to reach out to try to find control. There was so much I wanted to say to her, so much I wanted her to hear and understand. But I knew that my unfiltered emotions would serve only to hurt her and I…

[mattfred]

when just being present hurts

With the most fresh ex-wife, I was blessed with the privilege of being a father figure for her daughter for eight years. I got to be stepdad. After she suddenly ended everything, I feared that my relationship with my stepdaughter would be forced to end. I have no legal right to even spend a moment with my stepdaughter. Thankfully, kiddo’s biological mother and father both currently allow me to…

[mattfred]

Therapy time

I’m doing therapy. Not right now, it would be rude to write this while with my therapist. I mean, in general. There doesn’t have to be a purpose for the therapy. I’m saying this to you, the reader. You don’t need to wait until something breaks. You don’t need a crisis. You (should) go to the doctor at regular intervals, even if you’re perfectly healthy, just as a checkup. Mental health is the…

[mattfred]

Ceci n'est pas une pipe. (at Texas) https://www.instagram.com/p/CnbFH5PMMKq/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[mattfred]

my assistant: Oh, boss, i have to report that your last 7 posts were... flops. im sorry.

me, lips quivering, eyes wet, at my office table: i... hrrrngh... *starts hitting my own head* stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

[mattfred]

Chicago Tribune, Illinois, April 26, 1935

[mattfred]

Crickett is having a day. https://www.instagram.com/p/ClFlMNAsM50/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[mattfred]

Two stories in this fantastic book by @johnhornorjacobs and I just finished the second one. Unsettling and dreamlike. Every word took root in my head. I loved it. https://www.instagram.com/p/B8X4UJagqT6/?igshid=2wm321t8x14j

[mattfred]

Zephyr, our fuzzy hermit, is lounging with us today. https://www.instagram.com/p/B8Xp6ppguRd/?igshid=vjsm24mtb3yh

[mattfred]

When a bag of puppy treats accidentally opens nearby. https://www.instagram.com/p/B8KvpYJggj1/?igshid=10d4vs7wocyvk

[mattfred]

Made the hike to the end of the jetty! (at Jetty in Surfside) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8AIAprgq7N/?igshid=ychalrhgo4hj