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[matamatela]

[matamatela]

Hello. Hi. I know you want new music.

I want you to know that I am hard at work. There were some restrictions I was under, for a lot longer than it seemed, but they are no longer in the way. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks.

I’m always writing aimlessly and lawlessly as you know. But “album mode” is a whole other arena and the games are just beginning. I am working on some of my favorite stuff I’ve ever conjured. Wild to think that it hasn’t even been 2 years since IICHLIWP! I know it feels like so much longer. It does to me too. But there were 2 years and 7 months between HFK and Manic and honestly I think it was worth it. The time I took. And the growth that got me from that album to the next.

Thank you for having the patience and the faith.

It will pay off in the long run.

This feels like my debut all over again, in some ways.

Your love and support have carried me through a time where I thought maybe I only had a few albums left in me, but I know now that there are so many more than I could have ever dreamed.

Anyways, I love you.

Down the rabbit hole I go 🕳️

See you soon.

[matamatela]

[matamatela]

㋡🥀

[matamatela]

[matamatela]

My therapist once told me, “You are the guiltiest feeling person I’ve ever met” and just to prove her right, I took it to heart. An astrologer said, “You have so much water in your chart. What is it like to feel the emotions of every single person alive, everyday?” and I wept because I sensed he was displeased. A teacher told my parents “She’s very sensitive. Far more than the other kids in her class.” I took my SATs at 9 years old, but they encouraged my mother to hold me back because of how my eyes glistened when I heard the word no. She told them to go to hell. So I cried my way through my education until high school when they said “You take everything so personally, you’ll never survive in a company environment. You wouldn’t make a good employee.” So I employed myself (out of spite or…necessity) and then later, I hired 200 people. A boyfriend told me “Don’t be so dramatic, everything isn’t a movie.” Fine, so it’ll be an album then. The doctor said “This shouldn’t hurt a bit.” I tread daily on a minefield that leaves me classifying the variations in footsteps, the tonality in voice, a change in breath. “Is everything okay? You seem mad” is my pledge of allegiance to this tightly wound bundle of flesh. I am cut open, butterflied and flayed, with every single nerve exposed like live wires and, yes, they all hurt to touch. Each interaction is a litmus test of how well liked I am, and therefore how worthy to live. I wake up every morning and the moral barometer resets, T-minus 12 hours to prove to myself that I am not the bad person I believe I must be. Sleep, repeat. An amnesiac nightmare. Prometheus on a rock and the gull in my guts is myself. I once envied those with greater armor, but not anymore. “Why do you care so much?” Guard yourself from the little grievances, but the shield does not differentiate. The space where I am vulnerable to the pain that passes through is an entry point for the microscopic good that others may miss. I live in technicolor torment. If I could do it over again and choose the comfortable grey, I would seize a knife and cut the little keyholes back into my every limb. So the light can get in.

[matamatela]

L’amore non ha nulla a che vedere con ciò che ti aspetti di ottenere

– solo con ciò che ti aspetti di dare –

cioè tutto.

Katharine Hepburn

[matamatela]

[matamatela]

[matamatela]

“I hope you fall in love with someone who never lets you fall asleep thinking you’re unwanted.”

— Unknown

[matamatela]

“You were dancing in your tube socks in our hotel room, flashing those eyes like highway signs. Light one up and hand it over, rest your head upon my shoulder. Just wanna feel your lips against my skin. White sheets, bright lights, crooked teeth, and the night life. You told me this is right where it begins. But your lips hang heavy underneath me. And I promised myself I wouldn’t let you complete me.”

— Is There Somewhere? by Halsey

[matamatela]

“I’m trying not to let it show, that I don’t want to let this go. Is there somewhere you can meet me? ‘Cause I clutched your arms like stairway railings. And you clutched my brain and eased my ailing. You’re writing lines about me, romantic poetry. Your girl’s got red in her cheeks. 'Cause we’re something she can’t see. And I try to refrain but you’re stuck in my brain. All I do is cry and complain, because second’s not the same. I’m sorry but I fell in love tonight. I didn’t mean to fall in love tonight. You’re looking like you fell in love tonight. Could we pretend that we’re in love? I’m sorry but I fell in love tonight. I didn’t mean to fall in love tonight. You’re looking like you fell in love tonight. Could we pretend that we’re in love?”

— Is There Somewhere by Halsey

[matamatela]

[matamatela]

“and all i do is cry and complain, because second’s not the same.”

[matamatela]

dreaming of a home library...

[matamatela]

No one deserves depression and unhappiness. Evgeny Lushpin Fine Art

[matamatela]