marsbluesblog

[marsbluesblog]

Crispin’s Secret

Crispin was used to feeling invisible. He liked it that way. High school was a social jungle, and he had mastered the art of survival by staying out of sight. He wasn’t unpopular, but he wasn’t popular either—just a name on a list, a face in the crowd. It kept him safe. No one ever looked too closely at Crispin. He could glide through four years without anyone really knowing who he was.

That all changed when Vamp transferred to school.

Vamp—was the kind of person people noticed. On his first day, he walked into the school wearing a leather jacket that was just a little too beat-up for the town they lived in, a pair of baggie jeans, and a smirk that said he didn’t care about fitting in. He had an energy that drew people to him, even if they didn’t quite understand why.

Crispin watched him from a distance at first. He wasn’t sure what to make of Vamp, this whirlwind of charisma and rebellion. Vamp didn’t care about cliques, didn’t care about labels, and seemed to move through the social hierarchies of high school like they didn’t apply to him. Crispin envied that freedom. (L get better crispin)

They started talking in Chemistry class. Crispin had been quietly working on a lab assignment (not really) when Vamp leaned over, tossing his dark hair out of his eyes, and grinned.

"Hey, you’re Crispin, right?" Vamp asked, his voice low and easy. "Can you help me out with this? I have no idea what I’m doing."

Crispin blinked, surprised that Vamp even knew his name. He mumbled something about stoichiometry, showing Vamp how to balance the equation which he completely made up on the spot but who cares . After that, Vamp just...stuck around. He’d slide into the seat next to Crispin during lunch, or lean against Crispin’s locker between classes, making jokes or talking about bands Crispin had never heard of. They hung out under the bleachers after school, skipping gym class and laughing about nothing in particular.

For the first time in his life, Crispin felt noticed. Not just noticed, but seen—really seen by someone who wasn’t trying to put him into a box or mold him into something he wasn’t. Vamp didn’t ask for anything from him. He just...was there.

The feeling scared Crispin more than he’d ever admit.

---

It started small—little moments Crispin dismissed as nothing. The way Vamp’s laugh echoed in his chest when they joked around. The warmth he felt whenever Vamp’s arm brushed against his, even casually. The way his stomach flipped when Vamp flashed him one of those cocky, lopsided grins. Crispin tried to ignore it, but the more time they spent together, the harder it became to deny.

One evening after school, Crispin invited Vamp over to his house. His mom wasn’t home, and they sat in his room, sprawled out on the floor playing video games. Vamp was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, while Crispin sat cross-legged next to him, half-heartedly mashing the controller. Vamp had ditched his jacket, his shirt clinging to him after their walk home in the early spring heat. Crispin’s eyes flicked to Vamp’s hand resting on the floor beside him, then quickly back to the screen.

“Crispin,” Vamp said, his voice breaking the silence, “you’ve been acting weird lately.”

Crispin stiffened. “Weird? What do you mean?”

Vamp rolled onto his side, propping himself up on one elbow. His dark eyes were curious, but not judgmental. “I dunno. It’s like you’ve been avoiding me or something. You don’t talk as much as you used to.”

Crispin felt a lump forming in his throat. “I’ve just...had a lot on my mind,” he muttered, staring intently at the game, his fingers gripping the controller until his knuckles turned white.

Vamp sat up, watching him carefully. “If something’s going on, you can tell me, you know? I’m not gonna judge, unless it's about Nicole again dude.”

Crispin’s chest tightened. He could feel the walls closing in, his heart hammering in his ribcage. He couldn’t say it. He couldn’t tell Vamp the truth, not when he didn’t even fully understand it himself. What if Vamp freaked out? What if he hated him for it?

The shame burned hotter than ever, and Crispin felt the weight of his secret suffocating him. “I just... I don’t know how to explain it,” he whispered.

“Try me.”

Crispin finally looked up, meeting Vamp’s eyes for the briefest of moments before his gaze dropped back to his lap. “I think there’s something wrong with me,” he said, his voice barely audible.

Vamp frowned. “What? No way! There’s nothing wrong with you!”

“You don’t get it,” Crispin said, his voice breaking. His throat felt tight, and his hands trembled. “You don’t know what it’s like to feel...this way.”

Vamp’s expression softened. “Crispin, whatever you’re dealing with, you’re not alone. You don’t have to figure it out by yourself.”

Crispin shook his head, standing up suddenly, unable to stand the intensity of the moment. “You don’t understand. I can’t feel this way.” He stormed out of the room, leaving Vamp sitting on the floor, his confusion written across his face.

What an ass hole bro.

---

For the next few weeks, Crispin avoided Vamp as much as possible. He stopped eating lunch at their usual spot, found reasons to miss Chemistry, and ignored Vamp’s texts. Every time he saw him in the hallway, his heart twisted with guilt and longing. He hated how much he missed him, hated that he couldn’t just be normal.

Crispin’s mind raced every night as he lay in bed. The pressure was unbearable. He couldn’t stop thinking about Vamp, couldn’t stop replaying the moments they’d shared, and hating himself for it. What would people think if they found out? His parents? His friends? High school was brutal enough without being the guy who liked other guys.

The shame festered, eating him alive.

One evening, Crispin sat at his desk, staring blankly at his homework. His mind wasn’t on his assignments, though. It was consumed by the never-ending loop of fear, shame, and self-loathing. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t keep living like this—trapped in a body and a world that wouldn’t let him be who he was.

He wasn't gay bro, he couldn't be..

His eyes drifted to the bottle of sleeping pills on his mom’s dresser, leftover from an old prescription. Slowly, he stood and walked over to it, picking up the bottle with trembling hands. The weight of the decision settled over him like a heavy fog. If he ended it, maybe he could finally escape the pain.

Crispin swallowed hard, tears pricking his eyes. “I’m sorry, Vamp,” he whispered.

He twisted the cap off the bottle and downed a handful of pills before lying down on his bed, his heart pounding in his chest. The darkness was closing in, suffocating him, and he let himself sink into it.

This is so stupid..

---

Vamp hadn’t heard from Crispin in days. His texts went unanswered, and Crispin hadn’t been in school. Something was wrong, and it gnawed at him. He decided to go over to Crispin’s house after school, hoping to get some answers. When he arrived, the front door was unlocked. That alone sent a chill through Vamp.

He pushed open the door to Crispin’s room and froze.

Crispin lay on his bed, pale and still, an empty pill bottle beside him.

“Crispin!” Vamp’s voice cracked as he rushed to his friend’s side, shaking him, calling his name over and over, but there was no response. The world around him blurred as he grabbed his phone and dialed 911, his hands shaking uncontrollably.

---

Crispin survived, though just barely. The hospital pumped his stomach, and he was kept under observation for days. Vamp never left his side.

When Crispin finally woke, his eyes fluttering open, Vamp was there, sitting by his bed, his face etched with worry and exhaustion. Crispin’s heart sank as he remembered what he had done.

“I’m sorry,” Crispin whispered, his voice hoarse.

Vamp shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes. “Don’t be sorry. Just...don’t leave me, okay? Whatever you’re going through, we can figure it out together.”

Crispin’s chest tightened, but for the first time in a long time, it wasn’t just fear. It was something else—hope. Maybe, just maybe, he didn’t have to carry this secret alone.

"I love you vamp."

---