marlsmckinon-blog

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–– through the years .

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Mum, Dad, Gray, Ian, and Zibby,

I know I’m kind of a pain most of the time, and that I can be annoying and tedious, and I always mess things up and tend to ruin family vacations, but I hope you know, that you really, really know, how much I love you. I love you so fucking much (sorry mum & dad) that I can’t even bear it. This whole time, fighting, being away from you – it’s destroyed me. I don’t feel the same. I feel like part of me is missing all the time and that part is you. I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve thought about it. I was just trying to be safe.

Things have gotten bad. Very bad. I’m kind of in the middle of it, as usual - all of you remember how often I got detention. But this is a little worse than that, I think. I’m wanted, very, very wanted, by the worst people in the world. I’ve done well so far fighting them off, but they play dirtier than we do. They don’t have any boundaries.

They’ll do anything to get to me and I think that means they’re going to do that through you. That scares the shit out of me. If anything happened to you

So I’m writing to tell you that whatever happens next, whatever you may hear, please know it was my choice and I did it gladly. If all of this works the way it’s supposed to, and it will, please know that I died with a smile on my face and love in my heart for you.

Please don’t blame yourselves on this, either. Don’t start cursing me or yourselves or each other. Don’t be that stupid. I did this. Me. Alone. Just me. If you’re angry curse me (although for the sake of my soul, I ask that you don’t). Sorry. I know that was a tasteless joke. I think I’m nervous. Not about dying, but about you guys. About what’ll happen after with you guys. I want you all to be okay. Please be okay. I need to know you’ll all be okay or this wasn’t worth it. 

Gray, punch a few extra bullies for me. Also, you can have all my books. They’ll find more love in your hands, and you’ll find a few of my notes and drawings in the ones I actually read. My favorites were The Lord of the Rings. I know you’ve read them, but read them again. They make you happy.

Ian, take a deep breath. Please don’t end up in prison when I’m not there to bail you out. Rip up all my old leather jackets and make something cool with them, if that’s even possible. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you need to change. Also, stop overwatering my sunflowers.

Zibby, you don’t always have to hide all your feelings with a smile. I do love your smile, it’s the most beautiful one in the family (sorry guys), but it’s okay to be sad or angry or disappointed. It’s human, silly. Please take whatever’s left of my closet and make something fashionable out of it. Or go a little punk. I like that idea too.

Mum, I love you. I don’t know what else to say. You made me who I am. Please don’t keep my old room exactly how it is. Change it up. Turn it into a library or something, even though you know I’m not a reader. You don’t need a Marlene Museum. Just plant an orange tree for me. I know you’ve always wanted one.

Dad, I love you. I love you so much. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you. Don’t hide any of my knick knacks in the back compartment of your second drawer (yes, I know about that). Sell them, or give them to a parent in need. Just keep the ring you gave me on my fifteenth birthday. It was special.

I love you all. I’ll keep my eye on you. It’ll be fun. My last big adventure. 

I’ll see you guys soon, but not too soon. 

Love, always and forever and in this life and the next,

Marley Bear

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                     “ maybe we’d have kept tighter hold of each other. ”

sirius black, the first love, the one that lingers, the one that breaks, the one that falls apart. they were a perfect and imperfect couple, fiery passion and unplanned excursions and forbidden dates. no explosive fights, no quiet resentment, no world ending secrets – just two troublemaking teens who don’t believe in rules or authority but do believe in life and love and fun and firewhiskey. marlene never put too much thought into their relationship; she let it exist as it was, with all its perfections and imperfections, not lingering on the past or the future, just loving the moment and the fun that they have. had.

she’s not really sure why it ended. it was complicated. they didn’t hate each other. never even really stopped liking each other. at least marlene never stopped liking him. maybe she never even stopped loving him (though she’s not the type to pine). after all, a first love is the type that never lets go. but things just... petered out. maybe it was because they no longer had the backdrop of a war, of impending doom. most likely it was because after the slaughter of her family she started pushing people away. he was in the crossfire and she pushed. and pushed. and pushed.

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( MARLENE MCKINNON ) & SIRIUS BLACK: OLD FLAME, COMPLICATED

MARLENE: Just so you know, if you go to prison, Sirius, I will not wait for you. SIRIUS: You don’t have to. I’ll escape. We both know that.

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                                          “ something good. something bad. bit of both. ”

james potter was the only wizarding friend marlene had outside of her siblings before starting hogwarts. they got along like a house on fire – nobody was surprised at all that they became so close so quickly, having been cut from the same cloth. troublemakers but kind at their core, always looking to do the right thing but most likely doing a little wrong on the way. they learned about magic together and it wasn’t uncommon for the mckinnons to have james (and often his family) over for dinner – after all, the mckinnnon table was big and always welcome for guests. before starting hogwarts, marlene made him pinky-promise that they would both be sorted into gryffindor no matter what (but even the sorting hat would agree that they didn’t need a pinky-promise to guarantee that).

after the war and the slaughter of her family, marlene turned to james first. he’d grown up with them, and he was the closest thing she had left to the people she lost. when she needs to talk about them she turns to james, who knew them almost as well as she did. james brings out a certain childness and tenderness in marlene that very few people get to see, but it’s part of what makes their relationship so special to her. her childhood was a more simple, easy time of her life, and james was a treasured part of it. when she’s around him now and she can taste a little bit of that simplicity again, it’s the most delectable thing in the world.

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( MARLENE MCKINNON ) & JAMES POTTER: CHILDHOOD FRIEND, SIBLING LIKE

JAMES: This is crazy. You are crazy. You need to stop. We are in way over our heads. We have redefined the words ‘over our heads’. MARLENE: 'Over Our Heads’ – great title for a movie about two short guys who pretend to be one tall guy in order to get a basketball scholarship.

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the mckinnon parents raised their children in a very specific way. the nature of her family lead to an upbringing that allowed marlene and her siblings to hold one core, fundamental belief: we’re all the same, in the end. be who you are, love who you want, and, most importantly, be kind. in an effort to let their children taste the beauties (and pitfalls) of both the muggle and the wizarding world, they agreed that the kids would attend muggle school until they were old enough to go to hogwarts. because of this, all of the mckinnons are almost as involved in the muggle world as they are in the wizarding one.

isabella was strict and loving, her children's biggest defender. she is a woman who loves with her entire soul, and because of that, there was only ever room in her heart for a few – taken up solely by her husband and four children. she wasn’t exactly friendly outside of her family, which people all took wrong, assuming she was a cold fish rather than just a woman trying to do her job. she worked primarily in the department of mysteries but her reach didn’t end there – she had a standing throughout the ministry, making her rounds especially around the auror office. as the war became more intense she kept a closer eye, always looking for those who would hurt the innocent for the sake of blood status. she was the first of the mckinnon family to die on the night of the slaughter. she was outside, mending a lemon tree that a possum had gotten into, when they arrived. she didn’t even have a chance to fight back like she might have. fear paralyzed her, and she put her arms up, shielding them from the doorway into her home where the rest of her family sat idly by. she died swift, with one final scream, one final cry, begging her loved ones to run.

samuel was soft in every sense of the word – a good sense of humor and nothing but love in his heart. but this has not stopped him from being a fighter in his own right – he was an auror in his time, and one of the best dark wizard catchers in the business. his motive was simple: to do the right thing, to protect people who needed to be protected. often less strict than isabella but no less effective; people often believe he will be just as standoffish as she is and don’t give him a second glance. his career, of course, didn’t help this. but samuel is just as kind and much warmer, quick to make friends, finding more opportunity to make a confident joke even in the most stressful of times. he died shortly after his wife, doing the opposite of what she said. he would never run, always a man to leap head first into battle, would rather die than give up. he had a fighting chance and he took it, taking out a few death eaters on the way, but at the end, there were too many of them. he followed his wife’s lead, begged his children to run through the open door. died knowing that none of them did.

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the mckinnon siblings are as close as any siblings can get without being physically attached to each other. despite their differences and often clashing personalities they stood by each other no matter what, ready to fight tooth and nail for each other at the drop of a hat. while gapped in age, those in school together could always be found at the same table and in the same classes. they are loyal to a fault to each other.

gray was soft and wanted only to do the right thing. a hufflepuff by nature but a gryffindor by sorting. defender of the weak, enemy of bullies everywhere. always had a soft heart, did everything based entirely on his emotions. brought home three feral kittens in two years, raised them all himself. opened a lemonade stand when he was eight. did so well in muggle school that the friends he made there still contacted him often once he went to hogwarts. the friendliest of the mckinnons. he was the first to die. he threw himself into the line of fire, hoping he could hold them off or at least give the others a chance to run. he was unarmed, didn’t stand a chance. died quick, died hopeless.

zibby was fun, exciting, always with a coy smirk and a killer laugh. she was never much of a fighter but she had the fastest tongue in the family, quick to a joke or a jab, armed with the most creative insults imaginable. a natural born ravenclaw, the only one of the mckinnons, who still sat at the gryffindor table more often than not, if only to get in on the fun. always in with the latest fashion and music, popular with boys and girls alike, strikingly beautiful, smart in just about everything except potions, mostly a goody-two-shoes, a personal favorite of mcgonagall. disagreed often with marlene’s behavior but was also her greatest defender. she was the second to die, begging them to stop, crying next to gray’s corpse. died quick, died sobbing.

ian was hard and willing to do anything for the right thing. terrible in school, failed nearly everything except defense against the dark arts, often got into brawls with blood purists in the courtyard. cussed too much, wore too much leather, the most loyal friend anyone could ever hope for. didn’t care much about appearances or what other people thought of him; too busy living, laughing, loving his tribe. a serious issue with authority and hardly the professors’ favorite student, but took detention without argument, admitting freely to his actions. terrible liar. takes after his dad in that he never backs down from a fight. lasted a little longer than samuel did. died slow, died alone, died angry.

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( MARLENE MCKINNON ) & LILY EVANS: BEST FRIEND, VOICE OF REASON

MARLENE: Oh! I have a good idea. LILY: What? MARLENE: Why don’t you ask him about his penis?

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MARLENE MCKINNON IN MUSIC  ––  THE WAR

my blood is a flood of rubies, precious stones –– it keeps my veins hot, the fires find a home in me ––

( spotify. )

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MARLENE MCKINNON IN MUSIC  ––  AFTER THE WAR

take me right back to the start line – do it all over again...

( spotify. )

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Marlene McKinnon was the little girl who ran home moments before curfew with scraped knees, dirty hands, grass stains and mud splatter on her dress, flower stems tangled in her hair, and a grin that made it impossible to be angry with her. She spent her days exploring and playing with her older siblings, doing reckless things like pushing each other around in shopping carts and seeing how many stones they could throw into Henderson’s backyard before Mr. Henderson would notice and chase them off. She was a natural born explorer, always wanting to discover new things and places, dreaming of one day finding something very old or very secret that she could keep & call her own.

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                                                                MARLENE MCKINNON

i am a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings. there is an empty place within me where my heart once was.