markeubaby

[markeubaby]

It’s not enough ( a noren drabble)

"so how we're gonna spend this lonely night?" jeno asked cheerfully. he's been too joyful for the rest of this week. renjun started to think, he might be high all this time of had too many sugar. he could not figure out. "drinking our feelings of course, the fuck you think we're gonna do?" renjun wanted to sound like he was answering the question nonchalantly but it stung in renjun's tongue. "making out?" what did renjun even expect. jeno wouldn't be hurt, he would just shrugged it off and offered another nonsense answer. "are you high already?" "shit, no." "come on let's go get our drink." he dragged jeno, who kept complaining about wanting to just stay inside the car. how nonsense it was. the liquor store was in front of them, for fuck's sake.

they decided to spend the night on a empty road. they parked the car in front of an abandoned building without caring they might get caught by police. the night was still young. why bothered to care when they could just forget. "we should start with this" jeno showed a bottle of  vodka they just bought, swinging it in front of renjun's face while smiling. "whatever lee jeno just open the bottle." "i sometimes think you're scarier than my mother you know" jeno said while opening the bottle and pouring it to the red cup. "what a mockery" renjun almost grinned. "it was a complement." oh god, renjun almost lost his shit when jeno said that. as much as he loves jeno, he just wanted to punch the latter. "you're joking right?" "maybe. here. promise me you won't drain it in one go" "screw you" renjun just blindly accepted the glass and drained it until the last drop. jeno was so caring, he missed a moment like this. when jeno warned him and he, became as bold as he was, didn't even listen to the other just to pissed him off. "why you're always like this, ya huang renjun!!!" renjun just smiled. the first sincere smile he offered the world today. and it all happened because of lee jeno. how tragic.

"you know what..." renjun began to talk again after a few minutes of silence. "hmm?" jeno just hummed. he's always so silence when he's tipsy. "sometimes i feel like it's better to do this than going to a nonsense party" "true" "i feel like we're made for each other. i'm too broken and you're no better yet we're bestfriends. how is that possible?? i meand it's destructive yet we haven't destroyed each other." "haven't we?" jeno laughed, and renjun swore to god his heart just swelled. " maybe, because god makes us to. you really think we're just friend, are you sure?" "what do you want then? how am i supposed to name this artificial love. you don't even love me, lee jeno. you're just loving the idea of having me by your side. it's not enough." renjun wanted to spit it all yet his head refused to cooperate. he's tired. "i think i'll go get some more drinks." he finally left jeno inside the car though he knew all of the liquor was inside.

renjun wanted to think about what he just said to jeno. it sounded harsh, he wanted to take it back, yet he couldn't even figure out how. he loves jeno. every ounce of him demanded love too from jeno, yet how he's going to expect jeno to love him when the latter only think love as a game. he could never. his head was getting heavier, it's better to close his eyes, so renjun did it. he's done caring, he just wanted to lay down. he's tired.

[markeubaby]

ivre

School has been nothing but shit piled up like what Donghyuck always hated. Loser after loser just trying to show off, he’s done. He needed to get drunk tonight or else tomorrow would become more shitty per usual. He's been skipping two classes but he's done caring either.  Even when he does care no one will believe it. Bad boys will never do good, or so they say. Why bothers.

 Donghyuck just lit his third cigarette when he saw mark standing in front of the door of this empty room.

"Why you're here?" mark's voice sounded so far away. How sleep deprived Donghyuck could be right now, he wondered to himself.

"Skipping class, dumbass. What else I would do here. What about you? It’s not even your favorite place. You told me you hate this room cause it smells like a rusty wreckage and tons of dust."

"Got no choice. My spot isn't safe anymore."

"How nice" Donghyuck replied with his usual sarcastic tone.

 Mark sat next to Donghyuck who's taking a long drag of his cigarette, attempting to swallow more nicotine than he's supposed to. Mark just stared at him, before finally giving up and lit his own cigarette. There’s nothing here except a rusty mattress and some boxes, nothing to watch but class was no better, he found this place rather comforting despite the smell.

"Do you have any plan tonight?" Donghyuck's voice sounded doubtful, like he's almost not sure about what he's trying to say.

"Nope, netflix all night with some joint. Well, the joint part is a joke but why?"

"Wanna go to Jeno's party?"

"With you?"

"Yes, fuckhead. Who else?"

"You have boyfriend, asshole. Why won’t you come with him?"

"Well I do, but he's busy studying for college entrance, so?"

"Fine. I'll go." Mark sighed. He couldn’t simply say no to Donghyuck, especially when he looked so lonely like just now. It made him feel things, he couldn’t possibly explain.

"I’ll meet you at jeno’s.”

Donghyuck stubbed his cigarette with his foot before walking through the door like Mark wasn't existed in the first place. Mark couldn't even give a single fuck. Donghyuck is always like that. Too rushed and careless, indifferent with him but he's worse. That's it.

---

Mark arrived at Jeno's at seven sharp, wearing a decent t-shirt with blue jacket as an outer. He's been wandering around to find Donghyuck, yet the red haired guy is nowhere to be found and he's pissed. He drained his glass in one go before walking away, he's about to ditch the party when Donghyuck suddenly grabbed him by the hand.

"Shit Donghyuck. Where have u been?" If Mark was someone who has an awful temper, he would punch Donghyuck right in the face, yet the truth is rather than pissed Mark is more worried.

"Car. Drinking vodka. What about you"

"Right here you fucking dumbass. I've been searching for you since forever. And the fuck did u mean by car? Aren't you here for the party?"

"Not really. I just stole Jeno's parent's liquor. It’s shit but still worth it." Donghyuck started to lose his balance due to the vodka.

"For fuck's sake. Come on, I’ll find you a place to sit."

"I'm fine. Let's just dance"

"What? You can't even stand, you ass."

“Please…” How much spell does Donghyuck have, Mark couldn’t even say no even when he’s trying so hard and hate dancing, he still couldn’t deny his request.

Mark filled his glass again and this time he didn't even give a fuck about how much he's filling the cup. No way in hell he would dance unless he's drunk or at least tipsy. When he's back to the main room, Donghyuck has been hovering over Renjun who is clearly high judging from how he looked. Mark almost considered just ditching Donghyuck and going to the backyard, but that thought only crossed his mind for a second before Donghyuck clung his hands on Mark's shoulder and pulled him closer.

"Come on Mark, the party was just stated. Here. Take this" Mark just blindly accepted whatever drinks Donghyuck offered to him and drained it in one go. Fuck being sober.

 The music went harder, and mark could feel his head getting heavier each second. He danced and danced, banging his head as Donghyuck leaned closer

 "Mark..." He stopped dancing for a second, leaning to Donghyuck even more because the music was too loud and he could clearly hear what Donghyuck was saying.

"Hmm?"

"You know what. You're beautiful. Have you seen yourself, you're hot and that lips of yours..."

"Wow dude, that’s… you know what, you're fucking drunk. Stop saying nonsense okay, or I’ll drag you home." Mark was drunk enough, but he's still aware of his surroundings and this is bad. He could feel how close Dongyuck was right now. He could smell the liquor from the younger's breath, somehow intoxicating yet he would never dare.

"You're beautiful whether I'm drunk or sober" It was too rushed, yet Mark couldn’t seem to react properly. He was stunned as if the world stopped moving. When he was starting to realize, it was too late. His lips has already on Donghyuck's, lacing with no dignity as the younger tried to deepen the kiss, forcing mark to give up his last self-restraint. Everything about this night was wrong yet it felt right, when he tasted the cheap vodka on Donghyuck's tongue, when Donghyuck ruffled his messy hair. Mark broke the kiss first. Donghyuck has snatched all his oxygen and he couldn’t even get enough air to fill his lungs in this room.

"Well fuck."

"Did we just kiss?" Mark's face was laced with worries but also amusement. "Holy shit Donghyuck I have a girlfriend."

"Dear sweetheart I also have a boyfriend." Donghyuck was as breathless as he was. His lips stil looked so tempting in the aftermath, even when Mark has realized it was all fucked up.

"Then what?" He asked briefly. He couldn’t even think straight when alcohol has already fucked him and now Donghyuck is making it a lot harder.

"We do it again? Fuck it, Mark. I don’t know."

Donghyuck just crashed his lips to Mark's, devouring every inch of the affection he seemed to artificially create for the boy. Every ounce of his self-conscious has been swept away. His vision was getting even more blurred as Donghyuck put his hands on his nape, deepening the kiss that was so devoted they couldn’t even begin to describe the spark, the burning passion, how the room light up with nothing but lust and desire. Screw the day, what mattered was only Donghyuck's pretty lips on his, claiming Mark like he is the trophy from a battle he single handedly won and Mark is proud. Even when morning comes, and reality will crush like a demonic wave, what he felt was still joy, at least this feeling would keep him warm tonight. The electric shock spread inside his body like a deadly disease. He's done caring by now, willingly let Donghyuck drag him anywhere he wanted. Even down to hell Mark would gladly follow. Donghyuck is dangerous and Mark is fully aware, yet spell was never easy to break and he was nothing but a weak human being. He will always lose against Donghyuck no matter how hard he tries.

[markeubaby]

To: Kim Wonshik

In serenity of the dawn I beam

I wonder in which universe you'll be truly happy

For you not to wake up at night, working so hard, scribbling phrases, creating sounds.

I don't even know if you're fine

I only wish, to the wind of this sorrow evening, you'll be fine

Though we're like the sun and the moon,

One never collides with other, as we never meet until now

How I wish world doesn't have to work this way

But who am I to wish

You're the one who deserve much more than a wish

You deserve a lucent future,

Dazzling stars and their magic

It shall shine on you

 At midnight, when the moon sits still in the sky

I wonder in which universe we can get along

For me to be the spark that enlighten you

I would not be, since you're the light and the sun of my universe

No summer is warmer and nor as pleasant as you

And i am nothing

A star that doesn't shine without you

You're constant while I'm vulnerable

I need the sun that is you, to breathe, to pass the second, to be me

 You, who deserve the joy of New Year, flickering lights of fame, and people's cheer

Be happy

Take your sweet time

No rush to achieve your dream

We got forever,

You'll paint your way golden, flowery

It will outshine any being

Because it's you, who surrender your day and night to create symphony for the people you love dearly.

 This is no letter or beautiful poems,

Only a broken voice of someone who wish nothing but your happiness

For you to finally feel proud of yourself

 Happy birthday to you,

my ray of sunshine, the melody of my summer, the effulgent light of my afternoon.

You deserve so much

I could give nothing but a pray

For your life to be filled with joy

But once again,

Happy birthday, Kim Wonshik.

May god give all his felicity and blessing to you, I pray.

[markeubaby]

Cerulean High

"are you hurting" taekwoon can feel wonshik's cold hands caressing his cheeks gently, like they are made from glasses, so cautious taekwoon almost feels like this moment is surreal. only a part of his delusion. he's afraid it's only his head that shows him his most immense fantasy which is wonshik actually is here, in front of him looking so ethereal. the world now moves slowly as taekwoon tries to sense wonshik's rough palms that caress him still. he needed to tell wonshik he's not hurting, that somehow he feels like everything goes back in place exquisitely, but his voice is lost as if he can't control himself.

"taekwoon?" it's wonshik's voice, taekwoon can hear how it sounds like honey dripping, so pleasant and aery, heaven must really love wonshik for giving him such an alluring voice. taekwoon needs more than ten seconds to actually answer wonshik.

"i'm fine wonshik-ah. at least i'm fine now." taekwoon smiles at wonshik reassuringly, for the first after a while his smile is sincere.  it's not the fake one he always forces to show when he's around people just to please them and make him look more socially approachable.

"really?" wonshik's voice sounds happier this time, it isn't laced with worry. taekwoon just nods in response. he wants to hug the latter, place his head in the crook of wonshik's neck and cherish the moment. but wonshik suddenly moves, kissing taekwoon like it’s gonna be their last time, lips brushing nonchalantly until wonshik uses his tongue, demanding for more intimacy. they finally parted when they feel  lacking of oxygen, too breathless to even say a thing. taekwoon touches his lips, again feels like everything was merely a pipe dream.

"am i dreaming wonshik-ah? are you even real right now?" taekwoon traces wonshik's face with his hands, so delicate, he can stay like this forever in wonshik’s sweet embrace.

"what are you talking about? of course not. i'm here okay. you can touch me right? does this feel like dream to you?" wonshik kisses taekwoon once again, this time more rushed like he's proving something. taekwoon on the other hand keep telling himself that this is surely not a dream even if it's too good to be reality. when they parted taekwoon stares deeply at wonshik, like he's trying to find something that isn't right, something that wasn't at its place, but he found nothing. only wonshik looking as fascinating as ever, breathless due to their previous kiss. when taekwoon can't bear seeing wonshik's face any longer he only stares at the floor, whispering "honestly i don't know. things like this are too good to be true." desperately. but wonshik caresses his cheeks again, forcing taekwoon to look at him in the eyes.

"i love you, hyung. more than everything. my love for you is real okay." for some reasons the words sting and taekwoon starts to lose his sense. he wants to scream because he clearly can see wonshik fading from his sight. when he finally can feel again, his heart suddenly hurts like hell, like someone is trying to rip it apart. wonshik is no longer here. that was only a dream indeed, only part of his memories that now killing him each time, only product of his rotten delusion created by his happy pills. no matter how many times he assured himself inside his delusion everything will taste the same, wonshik’s words only remain for a blink of eye. when he’s sober enough, the moment will once disappear again no matter how good it was, and taekwoon knows that even if he’s in denial.  suddenly, his body feels colder than ever, he feels naked though he's already wore so many clothes. he's shaking continuously, sobbing while keep apologizing to the person who's long gone. he only stops when he can't breathe anymore, desperately reaching for his bottle, he needs to swallow his pills again, and now he's not gonna repeat the circle, he'll stay with wonshik forever. so he drains his bottle and swallow them all. this time he'll keep his promises, not to leave wonshik alone.

[markeubaby]

never once it wither away.

"what the fuck you're doing here, mark?"

donghyuck couldn't believe what he just saw. mark who always avoids bar in his entire life suddenly showed up in front of him. he stands next to the counter, looking stunning with his loose shirt and black jacket. donghyuck still fixes his gaze on mark, staring him in disbelief. just like magic that slowly fills the air, mark starts to speak.

"saving your ass from making mess." donghyuck still stays on his chair, starting to ruffle his gorgeous red hair in frustration.

 "gosh, do you know how much trouble you get into. and what's with the fedora hat? it's ridiculous" donghyuck says that but he doesn't even mean it. mark looks stunning, even more fascinating than ever. the fedora makes him look so soft yet intimidating.

 "no, i don't. and you know what, i don't care. also it's none of your business, i can wear whatever i wanna wear just like how you wear that shabby leather jacket right now." mark snaps once again, even if he wants to give compliments, he's just full of rage.

 "gosh, this leather jacket is the best okay. i fucking bought it from an expensive shop."

donghyuck finally stands, defending his favorite jacket he's been wearing for almost 2 years. he tries to joke about it actually, never once he means to make the atmosphere turning worse.

 "just drop it okay, let's get out from here. we need to go before johnny finds you." mark's voice gets softer as he speaks. donghyuck knows mark is so sincere right now, he knows that mark just wants to help him after what happened yesterday. but that was just a misunderstanding. johnny never forced a kiss to donghyuck, even if mark is under denial after everything, the kiss was meaningful and donghyuck loves every second of it as much as he loves how mark always holds his nape when they kiss.

 "mark i'm with johnny okay, and even if he looks like some gangster from cheap ass movie, he's kind okay. i'll stay, and you better go to home and do your homework. your mum will hate it if she finds out that you're not in your room." donghyuck tries so hard to convince mark who's ready to snap again at any moment. but nothing is working. mark starts to scream, even the loud music can't hide his rage.

 "i hate you so much asshole, i'm trying to fix this okay. how could you still think johnny is kind after what he did to you yesterday." the mix between rage and sadness can be seen from mark's eyes as it turns darker. for once donghyuck really wants to punch himself in the face for making the most beautiful human being in front of him feel like this. but what he can do, he's an asshole, just like what mark said. he can't handle boys with beautiful smile like johnny. even if he loves mark to death, he's still going to mess around with other boys. saying that everything means nothing, that mark is his only one after all, but more than anyone else donghyuck knows he's been lying all the time. his love is complicated to the point he can't even arrange an explanation.

 "you don't know the truth. it's not what do you think what it is" donghyuck pauses for a few second, he could never explain his thing with johnny to mark. he doesn't dare to break the elder’s heart. mark is too precious, and donghyuck would hate himself so much if he ever shatter the latter's feeling.

 "then what's the truth donghyuck? that kiss means something to you?" it's really like a petal that's waiting to fall. maybe it will be the end of every fascinating moment he had with mark. donghyuck stutters to give an answer, trying to find the right words so everything won't fall apart.

 "no, mark. I.. I.. It didn't mean anything okay, I just.." but mark shuts donghyuck before he could finish his sentence.

"just shut it okay lee donghyuck, i'm still in love with you anyway." and by that mark has already leaned forward and brushes his lips to donghyuck's. and mark can't help but to hate the taste of alcohol from donghyuck's mouth, that taste will make mark lose control and  once again even after donghyuck left him for some older guys he'll still fall again and again into the trap of honey. and donghyuck's sweet nothing will still be the death of him. even the little kiss that means nothing always means a lot for mark. and as for donghyuck he can't help but to hate himself again, he's just someone who's always bad at love. he can never settle his heart yet mark already gave him so much, so much love, so much everything. and donghyuck will never able to pay it, the least he can do is deepens the kiss, wishing mark's love would never wither like roses in autumn.

[markeubaby]

#1 HyukBin Drabble

Hongbin stares blankly at his white walls, trying to put all the pieces that scatter in place. He gazes on the wine glass which still stained in purple red because he keeps using it to torn away the pain. Suddenly, the strained of his brunette falls gracefully on his forehead, forcing Hongbin to fix his hair that now feels so dry under his touch. Hyuk used to brush it whenever his hair starts to get messy even if he was the one who ruined his perfect hairstyle at night. But now he's alone in his chamber, drinking the feeling that now pierced his heart with only regret remains.

His mind travels back to May, when the entire lovey dovey thing happened for the first time. How he felt less lonely on Saturday night because Hyuk always asked him to sleep over, saying that Hongbin should stop feeling too lonely and that he needed someone to have sex with. Hongbin used to laugh over that, he would say you're such a jerk to Hyuk then they would end up making the bed sheet messy. They would steal kisses from each other, while telling each other how amazing the night was. But that was the past, and even if Hongbin loves to keep picturing all of it inside his head, he can’t bear the pain. Everything still hurts as much as the first time he found out things would never work the way he wanted it to be.

The thing is Hyuk always able to paint Hongbin new, with red shade or sometimes rosy pink; he's always able to erase the blue. Something that Hongbin has always been searching for. But Hyuk never settles, he's always gone even after an emotional night, even after they danced through the night under the dim light, even after everything they’ve been through. Once, Hongbin found Hyuk kissing a blonde girl in the club; that happened even after he told Hongbin how precious he is. It's always been so easy for Hyuk, but not for Hongbin. He'll never get used to, and it’s not okay to be tossed around like that.

Even if Hongbin always feels like shit, he still has dignity and he knows for sure he's too precious to be tasted only when Hyuk gets bored. And just now Hongbin realized even if Hyuk could rid the blue, he would only leave bruised with pretty purple on his heart.

What worse is Hongbin already gave so much to the latter, he never once handed his heart easily like that, but Hyuk is an exception and he hates that fact so much. Hyuk’s words mean nothing anymore, and even after hyuk begged him to stay, Hongbin still feels like everything will never change, Hyuk will never stay. Even after all the sweet words, Hongbin still doesn't let hyuk touch him again. He's too delicate and heartbroken. And Hyuk never knew how to handle him until everything was too late.

[markeubaby]

Broken

Mark tried so hard to keep running through the alley with only a dim light shined the path, tried so hard not to trip, while someone behind keep chasing him. Mark knew already that stealing bucks will put him under this circumstance, but his ego kept him from being sane. He needed the money to buy drinks, people will call him ridiculous if they found out, but being sober for so long is not an option when he has to deal with shits happening inside his house. That place cannot be called as a home anymore to be honest, not when his father always yells and kicks everything when he's pissed, including Mark.

Mark almost arrived in the alley where he always hides after doing stuff like this, when someone grabbed his hands. Mark almost had a heart attack --being caught is not an option right now, before he knew the person who grabbed him was Donghyuck.

"What the hell, dude! I almost had a heart attack because of you." Mark yelled, but in a low tone since he was too scared that person will catch him if he hears his voice.

"I'm trying to save you, dumbass. Now shut up or he'll find out." Mark just stayed still; he tried so hard not to think an image of him being in a jail by staring at Donghyuck. Donghyuck still looked so enchanting under the yellow neon. His sun kissed skin glows, like a gold. His red hair turns darker, making Donghyuck looks even more captivating. To be honest Mark always loves being stuck with Donghyuck but not in this kind of situation when he's about to risk Donghyuck life too because of what he did.

"Let's go, I think that man is already back into his house." Donghyuck grabbed Mark's hand, but Mark hasn’t moved a bit.

"How could you possibly know?"

"Well, I don't Mark. But we need to go okay, I'm fucking freezing right now." Donghyuck still tried to drag Mark out from their hideout, but Mark is too headstrong, he kept leaning his back to the wall. But he couldn’t ignore the fact that Donghyuck was shivering under his sweater.

"Here, use my jacket. And why in the world you're out under this cold weather only wearing a sweater?" Donghyuck always makes Mark so whipped, in every moment, even in the moment when he could possibly gonna freeze to death too after handling his jacket to Donghyuck, but he did it anyway.

"I was rushing because I saw you. You know that I'm always scared you'll do something stupid whenever you sneak out from your house in the middle of the night. And thanks for the jacket." Mark could see through Donghyuck's eyes that he meant what he just said, he really worried about Mark.

"Yeah also thanks for the rescue." Mark finally stop being so headstrong, and followed Donghyuck. They walked through the alley under the cloudy night, Mark can’t see the star because of the cloud, but what is the point of seeing the star in the sky when Mark has one beside him.

"Where are you gonna go tonight?" Donghyuck tilted his head to face Mark.  They still walked slowly through the alley.

"I don't know, the empty building rooftop maybe." Mark just shrugged and kept adjusting his steps with Donghyuck’s.

"You're gonna freeze there idiot. Just stay at my place." Mark just nodded, he really didn’t really any option, but Donghyuck just gave him the best one. And Mark has to admit that Donghyuck just rescued him, not only today but always, yet he keeps dragging Donghyuck into troubles.

---

Donghyuck's room always feels so warm, maybe because of the heater or simply because Donghyuck is there. Mark can't tell. But Donghyuck's room feels more like home than his own house. He doesn't have to hear his father's yell and his mother's scream here. And that makes Mark feel secure. He can curl inside Donghyuck’s blanket all day and pretend that his life is great. He also has Donghyuck here, who will cheer him up when he starts feeling gloomy. Sometimes Donghyuck’s room can be very quiet but the silence that lingers in Donghyuck's room is peace to Mark.

Mark lies beside Donghyuck, counting sheep. He tries to close his eyes but after what just happened, it's just hard. His body is tired but his mind keeps imagining stuff, good and bad, too many what if that will never happen. He finally gets up; distracting his mind by counting the money he just stole. That money is enough to buy liquor for 3 days until Mark finally has to steal again.

"Mark, you okay?" Donghyuck's voice sounds raspy; he probably already slept few minutes ago.

"Yeah I'm okay, I just can’t sleep but I'm fine Donghyuck." Mark tries to sound convincing, but after all that’s just another lie he forces to say. He's far from okay, the circle under his eyes get darker day by day, his knuckle still full of bruises. He’s barely sober these days. He stops caring about school and tonight he just stole money from stranger. If okay is defined as a state where he can feel happiness, then he's definitely not okay because he doesn't even know if the word happiness still exists in his life; except maybe when he's kissing with Donghyuck. The sparks always emerges when Donghyuck is around him, giving Mark a chance to grasp happiness even if only for a second, because somehow if Mark's life was a canvas then the picture would be colored in blue.

---

The night went fast once Mark closed his eyes. He managed to get up on time after Donghyuck shook his body for a constant 5 minutes. But sleep deprivation really becomes a problem. Mark can barely open his eye during Mr. Seo’s class. But he tries so hard not to fall asleep or he'll end up in detention. Donghyuck, who sits beside Mark keep pinching his hand, helping him to stay awake for another 2 hours of boring lesson. For Mark today is just another day of trying to be okay at school. But at least today he can buy liquor from the store across his favorite empty building.

"I'll just skip class after this Donghyuck, just tell the teacher I'm sick. I will be at the rooftop." Mark can’t take this anymore. History will really makes him fall asleep and he thinks it’s better to sleeping rather than listening to story about some guy he doesn't even give a damn about.

"Fine, Mark. Don't do anything stupid okay, I'll meet you at the rooftop after class." Mark forces a smile to convince Donghyuck. After Donghyuck disappear to the class, Mark quickly goes into the rooftop. Their school rooftop is just ordinary, an open building with a bench in the corner and a small door. But Mark loves this place too, another place where he can escape, where he doesn't have to deal with how shitty life is. Mark lights his Marlboro, smoking makes his lungs suffer but that means nothing compared to his heart that suffers more. Mark just sits on the floor, blowing the smoke from his mouth until his face covered with vapor. The “I want to sleep” is just a bullshit he made so Donghyuck won't stop him. He just wants to be left alone. He can't stand facing Donghyuck when he's so miserable like this. Mark feels like he doesn't deserve Donghyuck. Donghyuck is just too good for an asshole like him. He can’t bear the thought of Donghyuck could probably get hurt because of him.

Mark doesn't know why he's now at the edge of the rooftop. For a second he thought he wanted to jump and just disappear but the truth is he just wants to see the town where he lives from here, so he can pretend that this town is beautiful and every person who lives here is happy, including him. But after all the reality is too harsh, everyone is suffering, even if today they smile, tomorrow they will cry too, because that’s how life works. Happiness is just temporary.

"Mark, what the hell you're doing there?" Donghyuck's voice drags him back to reality. Mark tilts his head to face Donghyuck who runs toward him. Mark quickly gets off from where he sits before answering Donghyuck’s question.

"Smoking, what else Donghyuck?" Mark just shrugs, then walks into Donghyuck, who still stares at him with worries

"I seriously thought you’re gonna  do something stupid, stop doing this Mark seriously." Donghyuck quickly pulls Mark into his arms; Mark can only hug him back.  

"I'm okay, Donghyuck. It's dumb to think that I'm gonna jump, my life is fine. I wouldn’t do that" Lie after lie. Mark is just faking everything, for a second he really thought about being gone and that scares him so much.

"How could you say that you're fine when you barely even focus on your study? You never pay attention, and what happened last night was messed up Mark, you know that. I'm just saying if you have a problem just tell me. We'll figure this out like we always do okay. Is it about your father again?" Donghyuck’s voice laced with concern. Mark somehow feels bad again because he makes Donghyuck worried.

"Yeah, but it's just more than that." Donghyuck pulls Mark closer to arms again. Mark knows Donghyuck can't simply just fix him. Donghyuck also can't glue the shattered pieces in him, but at least he could give Mark warmth he always needs. They end up sitting next to each other again, watching the sky turns from blue to orange, Mark’s head on Donghyuck’s shoulder. Mark is still a mess, but at least at this moment his fine, because of Donghyuck. Again.

---

The sky isn't really cloudy today. Mark can see some stars shining. He sits on the rooftop of an empty building, holding his liquor. The breeze makes Mark shiver under his hoodie. He's alone right now, but clearly hopes Donghyuck is here with him. He can't handle bitter alone today. His father just snaps again, leaving Mark with new bruises on his pretty face. The bruises maybe hurt but at least it will heal soon, somehow, but how about his heart that keeps aching no matter how long time passes. Mark starts filling his cup, maybe it's better to just feeling numb at the moment, so he keeps drinking until the bottle is empty. Mark can feel he's already drunk when his stomach starts to feel strange. He wants to throw up, but his body is too weak to even move. If Mark thinks drinking will make him feels better, that is wrong, the feeling after he's drunk is not as fun as what he always imagines.

"Shit" Mark mutters a curse while he tries to text Donghyuck. He isn’t sure about how he's feeling right now, but he's clearly so messed up. The moment Donghyuck arrived at the building; the floor is already filled with Mark's vomit.

"Shit Mark, what have you done? Dude seriously, did you just drink 2 bottles of this alone by yourself. Fuck, Mark you're freezing." Mark is just so close to pass out, but he can hear Donghyuck's voice is full of worries. He's so used of that voice. The only person who will scream in panic whenever he tries to hurt himself is Donghyuck, and Mark is fall much deeper in love with him.

---

The worst thing about being drunk is the hangover. Mark's head feels about to explode, the headache is just the worst. He can't even get up from bed even for only a second, so he's just give up and fall asleep again.

The moment he wakes up next, he sees Donghyuck sleeping beside him, curls under the blanket. Mark brushes Donghyuck's hair that falls into his face. Seeing the younger boy from close like this always makes his heart melts. The younger boy is just too perfect for him, and Mark is too scared to break perfection.

Donghyuck finally woke up 30 minutes later, his voice is so hoarse as he speaks to Mark asking if he's fine now. Mark just mutters an okay as the answer. They're just cuddling on the bed, linking their hands together, waiting the sun to fully shine the day.

"Mark can ask you something?" Donghyuck tilts his head to face Mark. Their face is so close; Mark can feel Donghyuck's breath tickles his nose.

"Sure. You always ask so many question, why bother asking if I'm okay with it or not." Mark gives the look he always gives to Donghyuck when Donghyuck makes him soft, a tender warm look.

"Well, actually it’s not a question but more like a request."

"Anything you want, Lee Donghyuck." Mark smiles to convince Donghyuck. He always thinks why is it so easy to smile when Donghyuck is around him and still can’t find the answer. Donghyuck hesitates before finally continuing.

"I want you to stop torturing yourself. I know you've been through a lot and I know you're just trying to cope with that by doing so many awful things. But you know Mark those things will destroy you. It will leave you only with more pain, more regret." Donghyuck stops to see Mark's reaction but he's just stay still, looking at Donghyuck with a miserable look. Donghyuck sighs before continuing. "It's right if you wanna say I don't feel what you feel right now. But Mark I care about you, and I'm trying so hard to somehow try to understand.  So please stop doing all of those things." The way Donghyuck looks at him really kills. Mark can tell Donghyuck looks at him as a fragile figure that can break if he touches him too rough.

"As much as you want me to stop, I do want to stop too. I hate the hangover to be honest, I hate it when you have to see me in such an awful state like when I panicked because the stealing accident or when I passed out after drinking too much. I hate it, but what can I do when my heart already takes over my sanity and left me with endless heartache." The warm tears stain Mark cheeks that usually are red because of Donghyuck's compliment. But that color is long gone, leaving him with only bones and skin that.

"Then use me, use me as your escape. We can kiss, and pretend that we're living fine. We can hold hands, and run away for a moment. You can stay here as long as you want, Mark but please stop. I know this is maybe far from enough but if escape is the thing you search, I can give it to you." Donghyuck rushes his kiss towards Mark. Their lips pressed together, blossoms like roses on a spring day. Their kiss starts wild and only turns wilder as every second passes. Mark hands run through Donghyuck's cherry hair, while Donghyuck places his hands around Mark's nape, making their kiss deeper, and more intimate. Mark was the one who pulled out first, gasping because the lack of oxygen after their lips parted, still drowning in the high sensation after the kisses. Mark doesn't say this to Donghyuck but Donghyuck is just more than enough, a perfect escape for a devastated person like Mark. Once again his heart just takes over his sanity; letting Donghyuck comes closer to him again, ignoring the fact that he might make Donghyuck's life miserable. But Mark already swore a vow to himself to stop doing something that will make Donghyuck worrying about him. He loves Donghyuck so much, as much as (maybe) Donghyuck does to him, and once for a while happiness seems closer than he thought it was.

---

Sun shines so brightly today, as Mark's opens his eyes. He's now used to live at Donghyuck's. He never comes home after the rooftop accident. He's too scared of what he might do if he ever comes home. Donghyuck still lies beside him with a sleepy face.

"Morning, sunshine." He smiles so bright even after waking up.

"Morning dumbass." Mark replies, jokingly.

"I can't believe you call me dumbass after I call you sunshine." Donghyuck pretends to be offended; he tilts his head to the other way.

"Come on, it's not the first time I call you that Donghyuck. Fine I'll buy you ice cream." Donghyuck finally turns his head to face Mark again. His eyes filled with spark, he looks like a kid right now with his chubby cheeks blossom with red color. "Okay, deal. Now let's go." Donghyuck drags Mark to change his clothes and brush their teeth. "Gosh, you're so childish."

They're arrived at the closest convenient store 10 minutes later; holding popsicles. Donghyuck playfully pokes Mark's cheek with his popsicle, causing them playing cat and mouse. Mark tries to catch Donghyuck, while Donghyuck keeps running farther until they're finally run out of breath.

"I'm tired really." Mark just smiles; he's just as tired as Donghyuck but surprisingly he's happy.

"That's because you're messing with me. You should've done that." Donghyuck just laughs in answer. Mark can see Donghyuck is grinning right now.

"You're still losing any way."

"Whatever." They're both laughing. Indeed today is a good day, the sun shines so bright while the boys just simply happy because each other. Just being silly together, two boys against the world, at least that’s what Mark thinks.

The rain drops slowly, greeting the world with its cold. Donghyuck is shivering, while Mark just stays still, enjoying the drop that making his clothes wet now.

"Are we gonna stay here until we freeze?" Donghyuck says that while trying to cover the rain with his jacket.

"I think it's fine." Mark just shrugs. "Come on Mark we have to go." Donghyuck lends his hand to help Mark stand. Mark finally takes Donghyuck hand and gets up from where he sat previously. The rain is getting heavier, when Mark and Donghyuck finally arrived at the nearest convenient store where he bought the popsicles this morning. "

Let's run to our house." Donghyuck says. That idea is crazy, but Mark finds it very exciting.

"We're gonna get flu after this seriously."

"Come on Mark. I'll count to three, after that we run okay." Mark can feel Donghyuck linking their fingers together. He turns his head to face Mark and smiles before counting. Once again a moment like this really makes Mark feel alive, and more than anything he wants to stay with Donghyuck's warmth forever.

---

People say happiness won't last; that's just an undeniable fact. Somehow, some way sadness will find happiness, and will replace its position. It was dumb for Mark to think that forever could happen to his relationship with Donghyuck. Everything's crashed when he found out that Donghyuck never thinks their thing is a relationship. How easy Donghyuck says that Mark is merely a friend with benefit to his friend Jaemin as if everything means nothing. Mark doesn't know why knowing that Donghyuck only thinks of him as a friend hurts him more than his father's kick and yell. And maybe that’s why he shouldn't think someone is special when that person clearly doesn’t think like that of him.

It was a beautiful evening when Mark heard the conversation. At that time he didn't know what to do; facing Donghyuck will only cause more damage. But he doesn't want to give up after all that happened at least he wants to hear the reason though Mark knows the reason will tear him apart.

Now here they are, on the rooftop of Mark's favorite building. The night seems so unfriendly; the breeze greets them with its cold. Mark looks more miserable than ever and more messed up than the last time when Donghyuck still pretends to fix his broken pieces.

Donghyuck stands in front of Mark, looking so clueless but he clearly knows that Mark is angry. He just doesn’t know why.

“You okay Mark?” Donghyuck steps closer to where Mark stands right now.

“No, I’m far from okay you can tell. Well, I thought maybe I’m getting better after we’re together but guess what Donghyuck, I’m even more fucked up now.” Mark thought spilling the words will be hard, but somehow it’s easier that what he thought.

“Seriously what happened?” Donghyuck’s voice laced with worries. If it was the usual circumstance, Mark would be happy, but he’s just too bitter.

“I should be the one who asked that. What happened with us. I thought we’re really together. I thought you love me.”

“I love you Mark, what’s wrong with you? You know that right?”

“As a friend? Come on Donghyuck stop pretending, you only see as a friend with benefit, nothing more. Isn’t that right?” Mark laughs, but his laugh is filled with sorrow.

“I never thought you’ll fall for me, and I did that because you need comfort. I’m really scared you’ll do something stupid if you’re far away from me. I’m just trying to save you Mark by doing all of that.”

"So it’s true all of those kisses, hand holding, dates, and cuddles mean nothing to you? We’re just what friend with benefit. You’re seriously joking right? I thought we had something, I thought you see me as something more than merely a friend. Then what's the point of all of this you prick? What did you even bother to save me?" Mark wants to scream, but he feels like someone chokes his throat, he suffocates in a cold wind.

"I'm just trying to save you, Mark. I meant it."

"Yeah you did save me by trying to stop me from doing awful things, but what you did is more awful. You know that Lee Donghyuck. How could you possibly do this?" The wind blows so harsh, but the cold means nothing to Mark when he’s heart turns into cold stone after what Donghyuck said.

"I have to, Mark. You're just so messed up, you always hurt yourself. You know I can't risk losing you. I'm just trying to help."

"Well, you're not helping. If you don't mean any of your kisses then you should've just stopped. You should've told me that we're just friend from the beginning. Fuck, Lee Donghyuck, I thought we're..."

"You need help okay that time. I can't help but to do that, if i didn't do that, you would never stop and you might end up in jail or worse hospital."

"Do you think I’ll stop now after you broke everything now? Well guess what Lee Donghyuck, I won't." The warm tears stain Mark cheeks again. It’s been a while since the last time he cried, even after all that happened he still can hold on, but not until today.

"I'm sorry. I have to go Mark. I’m really sorry.”

Mark wishes what Donghyuck said is just a way to make this goodbye less painful. But the thing is Donghyuck already broke not only his heart, but his soul. Alcohol won't make him forget, when the person who tried to fix him in the first place is the one who finally shatters all of his pieces.

---

Donghyuck never comes back after what happened that night. Mark is sad, pissed, but after all he misses Donghyuck. He wishes all of that won’t make Donghyuck go. But still he left, tormented Mark with all of the good memories.

Mark can still feel Donghyuck's present at the rooftop, the scent of him still lingers in the open air, making it hard for Mark to breathe. That rooftop was a special place for them, at least Mark thought like that before Donghyuck left him wretched. Or maybe that was Mark's fault because he can't accept the fact that Donghyuck only wants Mark to be his friend, nothing more, while Mark yearning for more. Wishing somehow Donghyuck viewed him as a lover, someone he loves who loves him back, but that's merely a pipe dream Mark builds to neglect the harsh reality, where the one who's drunk in love is him and not Donghyuck. Mark tries so hard to accept the bitter reality, but no matter how many bottles he drinks he keeps remembering Donghyuck's cherry lips, pressed against his own lips, how alluring Donghyuck's face is when he grasps for air after they parted, and that drives Mark crazy.

The fight in his house somehow becomes common; he doesn't even feel the pain when his father kicks him. Maybe he's just so numb after Donghyuck left. All the bad things he did only cause him temporary consequences while being with Donghyuck cost him a broken soul after he left. And he can’t even stop himself from tormenting every piece that left inside him. Without Donghyuck everything is just blurry, the canvas that once bloomed with red, now is even bluer than before.

[markeubaby]

Burned with You

A.     Mark knows Taeyong is a poison. Could kill him anytime and Mark can choose whether he wants to die fast or slow, whether he wants to feel the pain first or later. Mark knows Taeyong could burn him. He's hot, dangerous, and tempting. Mark already realized that since the beginning. But Mark can't resist his warmth. Whenever they touch, Mark loves the burning sensation. Just like today. Taeyong pulled Mark's collar with an angry face; almost punched him if Jaehyun didn't stop him. But Mark couldn't even see the anger in Taeyong's eyes. The only thing Mark felt was joy and happiness. Finally, after a long wait he could feel Taeyong's warmth once again. Mark is only able to feel that warmth when Taeyong's angry. Ready to beat him to death while Mark's heart starting to create butterflies. As much as he hates it, Mark knows Taeyong won't ever touch him if he doesn’t have intention to kill. He will never know how it feels to be touched gently just like how Taeyong treats Jaehyun. Mark knows and he hates it more than anyone could even imagine. That's why Mark needs to create a mess to piss Taeyong so he’ll look at him in the eyes, even only for a second.

B.     Today Jaehyun holds a party. Mark decides to come because Jaehyun keeps pushing him, and because that stupid reason, he wants to see Taeyong. He's so anxious about what he should wear today. He could just pull his usual outfits, jeans t-shirt and hoodie, like nobody would care. But just by thinking the chance he will meet Taeyong makes hoodie and jeans look like an awful choice. Although Mark knows for sure that tonight Taeyong's eyes will only glued to Jaehyun. Just like always. But that doesn't make Mark stop feeling so anxious. He finally decides to wear t-shirt, ripped skinny jeans, and use leather jacket as the outer. The kind of outfits Taeyong usually wears when he meets Jaehyun. After an hour full of anxiety, Mark finally arrived at Jaehyun's house. The party seems has been starting few minutes ago. Mark grabs his red cup and decides to say hi to Johnny. Being with Johnny means he has to deal with the crowd of woman that will stay with Johnny all night long. But that kind situation is the best place to stalk Taeyong. Mark doesn't love party but that doesn't mean he hates it. Party is a place where he can stalk Taeyong without worrying about anything. Party will make him forget about reality. Also red cups are everywhere, his favorite. But sometimes party just turns into a boring event. Only leave him bitter the next morning.

   Mark finally sees Taeyong, lingering his hands to Jaehyun's shoulder. He's friend with Jaehyun since a long time ago but giving up Taeyong to him isn't easy, never been easy. And he hates it so much. But he can't say that to Jaehyun. He doesn't want to give up on his friendship either. Because Mark knows that Taeyong would never love him and to give up his friendship for false hope and heartbreak isn’t an option. Every minutes feel so long. Mark can't stand Johnny's crowd anymore so he just sits in the corner; drinking more. Waiting until he’s finally drunk and passed out. But he sees Taeyong walks to him; definitely drunk. But his eyes are burning with lust. Or maybe that's just Mark's imagination because he isn’t sure if he hasn’t drunk yet now. And the next thing Mark knows is Taeyong placing his hand on mark's nape. Taeyong is just so close to Mark, he can see how red Taeyong’s lips are, how enchanting his face is. Taeyong's breath is so soothing. But his eyes just like what Mark saw before, burning. His hands are also burning. Mark can't even breathe properly right now. He can feel his blood running through his cheeks. He's also burning. Hotter than ever. Hotter than when Taeyong grabbed his collar. Because finally after a long time Taeyong doesn’t look at him with anger. Mark thinks they will finally kiss each other, fall, and do other thing. But Taeyong is too drunk to do that and Mark doesn't have the gut to do so. Until finally Taeyong is unconscious. Mark is just dumb. Of course Taeyong won't kiss him and even if he ever kisses him, that’s probably because he thinks that Mark is Jaehyun, nothing more. And Mark has to swallow that bitter reality.

C.     Days past so slowly, and Mark still thinks about his almost kiss with Taeyong. He still remembers everything. How Taeyong's breath tickled his face, how Taeyong's mouth smells like cheap alcohol, how red Taeyong's lips are. Mark feels like he's going to be crazy if he keeps thinking about what happened that night. "Shit" Mark sighs, he can't do this anymore but he can't stop. How ridiculous. He grabs his jacket in rush before running through his apartment stairs. He needs Donghyuck right now, someone who could probably distract him from Taeyong. Donghyuck lives 4 blocks from Mark's apartment. Mark runs all the way to Donghyuck's, he just wants to block everything about Taeyong from his mind, because every single thing about Taeyong will only leave him with a broken heart. Mark arrived at Donghyuck's 15 minutes later; as usual Donghyuck is drinking his favorite coffee while watching some stupid show. When Mark entered the building he turns his head to Mark, tries to look uninterested.

"What's up Mark? Why the fuck you're sweating so badly? Dude?" Mark can tell how worried Donghyuck is right now. He always shows that expression whenever Mark is at his awful stage.

"I'm fine. I just need to drink." Mark walks to Donghyuck’s kitchen to grab a drink, too early for a beer but who cares.

"Taeyong, huh?"

"Maybe." Mark just shrugs; he doesn’t want to discuss about it right now.

"Isn't it too early for beer?" Mark thought nobody cares, but apparently Donghyuck does.

"Well, nothing is too early when my heart hurts, Donghyuck." Mark answers sarcastically.

"Right."

The silence takes over for a few second. But not until Mark comes closer to Donghyuck, leaning a kiss that turns wilder after Donghyuck reacts to it. They finally pull apart after running out of breath.

"What does it feel like to kiss someone you love?" Mark asks while thinking about how alluring Taeyong lips are.

"Great, of course. Feels like paradise? Kind of that."

    Mark knows Donghyuck falls for him since a long time ago. Sometimes he feels so awful for using Donghyuck. But he doesn't know how to stop; he wants to love Donghyuck as much as Donghyuck wants to be with him. But when he thinks about Taeyong everything else just seems so blurry, even Donghyuck's gentle touch doesn't even enough to compare with Taeyong's rough touch. He feels nothing with Donghyuck only pleasure that only last for a minute after that he only feels emptiness that keeps trying to kill him.

"Mark?"

"What?"

"Please stop messing around with Taeyong." Donghyuck’s voice is just bland. Almost sounds like someone who’s begging. Mark never heard that tone comes from Donghyuck before. The Donghyuck he sees now is different.

"You know I can't" There’s sorrow in his words, playfully floating in the air around Mark.

"I know. That's why I seriously want to just punch you for doing this to me but you know too that I can't." Donghyuck supposed to sound angry. But he doesn’t even raise his pitch.

"I’m sorry" Mark tries to reach Donghyuck hand, slipping his fingers through. Hoping that could make Donghyuck feels better. But that is just not enough.

"Yeah whatever, Taeyong always makes you either soft or hard, nothing in between, if you know what I mean."

    Donghyuck gets up to find some fresh air while Mark still sits in front of TV, too bitter to do anything, even react to Donghyuck's lame joke, that's not a joke, just a painful truth. In days like this Mark and Donghyuck will do what normal couples do when they're with their lovers. Except the conversation between Mark and Donghyuck will be harsh and full of angst, and except they're not a normal couple. They're just simply complicated.

"Mark, aren't you tired?" Donghyuck asks from across the room while blowing smoke from his mouth.

"Of what? Chasing Taeyong?"

"Yeah"

"I am, but it's hard to stop even if I’m tired as hell."

"I think you should just confess to him."

"It's hard dumbass, what about Jaehyun? Things will never be the same again."

"Well that's the point. You should change something; maybe just maybe Taeyong will love you back. And even if he won’t, you know where I am."

   Donghyuck knows he's just being egoist. Mark knows that too. He wants to stop Mark from chasing Taeyong. He wants Mark to be his, even if Mark's heart is not, even if that hurts Mark. He doesn't want to, but everything becomes so unbearable. He can't bear seeing Mark’s sad face when he talks about Taeyong. Donghyuck wants to end Mark’s pain by giving him this last wound, but will that wound finally heal without leaving an ugly scar to Mark's heart? He doesn't know.

D.     After what happens in Donghyuck's apartment, Mark finally decides he has to confess. He knows he's just dumb as fuck to follow what Donghyuck said. But he doesn't want to suffer again and again. Maybe after Taeyong rejected him, he finally could move on, try to love Donghyuck. Of course, Mark knows how thing won't work out that smooth. Taeyong's rejection could make him suffer for a long period, it could break his friendship with Jaehyun, and it will definitely leave an awful scar. Thinking about that makes Mark's stomach hurts. He never felt this anxious before, not even close to when his teacher found out that he was smoking cigarette at school. His footsteps become so heavy, he seriously thinks about dropping his plan now. But everything is too late. Mark can see Taeyong's perfect figure, standing in front of his apartment door. Mark freezes for a second. He takes a deep breath before shouting the black-haired-boy's name. Taeyong turns to Mark. Their gazes meet each other. Mark's brown eyes meet Taeyong's burning gaze.

"I wanna say something to you."

"What?" Taeyong still sounds as annoyed as usual.

"I think I'm.." Mark hisses a curse. He's good at writing lyrics but he can't even arrange appropriate sentences to confess his feeling.

"What Mark? I know I'm being too kind than I'm supposed to but are you okay?"

    Mark wants to scream that he's not okay, that he's struggling right now, that he wants Taeyong to love him but he can't. He just answers Taeyong's question with a small I'm fine. Taeyong just shrugs in answer. He's about to leave when Mark finally can find his voice.

"Wait... I think I'm in love with you” Mark waits Taeyong’s reaction before continuing but Taeyong doesn’t react. That’s when he realized that he’s just dumb to even do this at the first place.

“I'm sorry I shouldn't even say this."

Mark is really screwed. He just leaves without looking at Taeyong again, but before he could turn around he feels Taeyong's warm hand holds his left hand.

"Shit Mark Lee, you really have a crush on me? The Taeyong who you always mock? The Taeyong who almost punched you to death because you called him a worthless piece of shit? Whoa, amazing."

Mark wants to laugh, but he can't. For a minute he thought that Taeyong probably would accept his feeling. But then the way Taeyong speaks really hits him hard, drag him back to the fact that this is not some kind of romance novel.

"But you know I kinda find you're hot that night when I almost kissed you. Let's date then."

Mark can't believe what Taeyong just said. He keeps reminding himself that this is just some kind hallucination his head tries to create.

"What about Jaehyun?"

"I broke up with him 3 days ago." Yeah, he can tell that from how dark Taeyong's eye bags now, he probably hasn't slept much since the last 3 days.

"So it's fine if we're together now?" Dumb question. Of course it's not. Taeyong probably will only use him to substitute Jaehyun. He knows he's down into Taeyong's sweet trap again but everything's just too amazing he can't let it go no matter how fucked up it sounds.

E.    Dating Taeyong still seems like a dream mixes with nightmare. Every touch seems so blurry yet exciting. And Mark falls too deep, he won't able to escape. He's already Taeyong's prey since the first time Mark looked at his eyes and fell in love, but now the different is he's already caged. Mark wouldn't mind everything of course. Because now Taeyong's gentle touch is his, not Jaehyun's anymore. He finally can answer his own question, how does it feel to kiss the one you love? He knows what kind of paradise Donghyuck refers to. He's really sinking now when Taeyong's lips touch his own. He can feel his lungs working so hard when Taeyong grabs his nape, just like that night, but gently. Taeyong’s breath still smells like cheap alcohol but mixed with mints. Mark realized now that Taeyong's kiss is an addiction. He won’t able to stop, and he doesn't want to. Just like an addict, he keeps wanting for more. Both of them are finally parted, gasping from the lack of oxygen. Mark leans on Taeyong's bed room, still in hangover after kissing Taeyong. While Taeyong lights his cigarette.

"Why do you even agree to date me Mark, you know I'm not even in love with you." Those words sting and simply break Mark's heart.

"That is a dumb question. You already know the answer, why do you bother to ask?"

"Just wanna break the silence."

"Yeah you definitely just broke the silence and my heart Lee Taeyong."

"Stop exaggerating. I've broken your heart thousand times if you count yet you're still here."

"I can't argue with that."

    Conversation like that happens a lot. Mark wants to avoid it because he doesn't want to feel the hurt but Taeyong keeps bringing that up every time. Maybe he just doesn't know what to talk about when his head full of Jaehyun; Mark thinks.

"You're still in love with Jaehyun, right?" Taeyong nods.

"Then why you even bother to date me?" Mark knows the answer better than anyone. Just like what he does to Donghyuck, he just wants to give up his feeling; he wants to stop yearning over someone who doesn't even care about him, though he knows that won't work out. He still tries just like what Taeyong does to him.

"Just trying to do something other than mourning about my break. And maybe giving you false hope, you want since forever." Mark laughs, but the feeling is just so bitter.

“I think I should leave now. See you tomorrow."

    Mark wishes he could just deal with heartbreak. He feels that so many times yet the next heartbreak still feels as painful as the one before it. Just like today, he knows Taeyong will break his heart again even after everything seems fine, but Mark is too in love to even back off right now. Taeyong will burn him, and he's still not going to run.

F.     Heartbreak will always lead him to Donghyuck's apartment. He just can't stand being alone when his thought is ready to consume him. He knows Donghyuck will be mad after he heard his sad-romance novel-worthy story about Taeyong, but who’s going to listen to it except Donghyuck.     Mark can tell how bored Donghyuck is when he starts to talk. But after all he has to spill everything before he lost his shit. Donghyuck just stays quiet but doesn't last long after Mark said he knows Taeyong's just using him.

"Shit Mark, I know you've been using me for months but you shouldn't have done that. That's ironic. I mean you don’t need to feel what is like to be like me.” Another joke Donghyuck tries to crack. But that was an ironic one.

"You know for shit, I don’t do it because of that reason, Lee Donghyuck. And I thought we shared the same feelings." Again another irony, yeah the might share feelings, of how Donghyuck also feels one sided love, Mark feels. Or how Donghyuck knows exactly what it feels like to be used, just for relief and pleasure. Same as Mark.

"Yeah, whatever. You shouldn't even be here. I'm sick of everything seriously, I thought after you confessed everything will become much better, and I'm wrong. I'm deeply sorry that I have to drag you to confess and face your heartbreak but you know I can't do this anymore. Months are enough for me to swallow all the bitter feeling. I want to move on. So please just don't come here again, or I won't stop hurting myself."

    Mark knows eventually he’s going to face this situation, where Donghyuck can’t stand him anymore. Donghyuck is always a though boy, someone who dares to drink a bottle of vodka if you challenge him to, just to maintain his pride. But the Donghyuck, Mark sees now is just as fragile as him. Waiting for someone to comfort him, Mark can't do that. Enough of everything, he shouldn't hurt Donghyuck again by giving him a hug and comforting words. So he just walks away, tries to mutter a sorry that Donghyuck won't listen.

G.     Donghyuck leaves him, eventually, but he still stays with Taeyong. His feeling already took over his sanity. Or maybe he's just too high right now. He spends days listening to Taeyong's rants, but he just never tired of it. Though sometimes stories about Jaehyun could easily triggers him. Taeyong is barely sober. Both of them are just drunk. Mark's drunk because of love where Taeyong's drunk because of his cheap alcohol.

"Mark, I'm tired." Mark stares Taeyong blankly, he wants to read Taeyong but Taeyong is a closed book that he barely can open.

"Tired of what?" Mark asks. The only way to understand Taeyong is to ask question.

"Loving Jaehyun, wanting him to comeback, mourning memories I can never change. He moved on while I'm barely even forgetting small thing about him."

   At this moment, Taeyong doesn't need to put everything into words; because Mark can understand pain easily. He can sympathize to what Taeyong feels right now without faking it, just like what others do.

"I know. I'm tired too."

"Of what? Me?" This time the black haired guy is the one who asks question. Mark shakes his head before answering.

"Wishing you could love me the way you do to Jaehyun. Yearning for someone to love me when he’s in love with another boy, which is my former best friend. Crying because my heart aches every time you talk about Jaehyun. I'm tired of that but not you."

"I guess we're both fucked up in different ways." Taeyong's voice is so soft, Mark almost drowns. But he can only laugh, bitterly. Again for so many times he lost count.

"By the way Jaehyun is not your former best friend, he's still your best friend. He won't hate you just because you're dating me; he's just too kind to even hate a person, especially you." Taeyong tries to fake a smile. Too bitter to actually comfort someone. But he tries it anyway. Maybe alcohol already did something to his head, Mark thinks.

"You must know a lot about Jaehyun until you can say something like that so confidently."

"I knew a lot about him. Past tense. I barely know him, now. But now I know you." Mark freezes for a moment. At time like this he turns into a soft person who will grab sweetness that comes from Taeyong's mouth.

"You've known me since a long time ago, what's new now?" Mark means that sarcastically, but his words melt into a weak tone.

"At least I know how sincere your feelings are; maybe we could try to know each other more. Maybe time will finally heal my wound so you can leave a new one."

Words can be so powerful. It could drag Mark, and leave him with bruises, but he doesn't care what Taeyong just said is rare. He won't get any other chance.

"I won't dare to do that, even if I want to revenge everything you did to me."

"I know." Taeyong smiles before leaning a kiss. This time his touch seems less blurry. Even if Taeyong's tastes like cheap alcohol right now, Mark doesn't care. He's stop caring long time ago. Now he just wants to be with Taeyong. Nothing else matter.

Last.     Mark found Taeyong in the middle of wildfire, desperately get out from that. But Mark knows Taeyong itself is a fire; trying to burn every single piece of him, while the fire burns him too. Both are hurt, badly. In one way or another they're ready to give up, let the fire burn them.     But that burning sensation finally turns into warm they've been seeking ever since. Even if that warm only stays for a while, they don't mind it. They'll try to heal; they'll try to stay, because they believe someday they'll find happiness, for real.

[markeubaby]

Miles Away

Today just sucks. Those ass heads won't stop bothering Mark, calling his mother names that shouldn't even being said. Mark knows his mother is not some kind of saint. She does bad things for money. But that doesn't mean those ass heads can say shits about her. Mark is pissed not because those ass heads annoy him but because he calls his mother by names. They don't even have the right to do that. They don't even know the reason why his mother does that job in the first place. They don't know how hard it is for her.

Mark finally decides to go to the school rooftop. He needs his cigarette. Well, not his, but Donghyuck's. As expected Donghyuck is there. Sitting and blowing smoke from his mouth.

"Sup bro?" Donghyuck says that with his usual tone. Excited.

"Nothing, can you just give me yours?"

"Sure."

Donghyuck hands his cigarettes to Mark, who’s sitting beside him. Mark lights the cigarette with his favorite white lighter, tries to blow his problem away. Donghyuck is Mark's smoking buddy. They have the same bad habit. Yes, smoking. But Mark only smokes when he's pissed or sad while Donghyuck smokes in every occasion. At first, Mark was annoyed because Donghyuck kind of take his favorite spot. But after all, they become friend because that brings Mark benefit. He doesn't have to hide cigarettes and worry about being caught because Donghyuck will support all his cigarettes need. And he's a fun person to talk to also Mark is comfortable with him. That's the real deal actually.

"So what's wrong?" Donghyuck finally speaks again after 10 minutes of silent. Mark blows the smoke before finally says something.

"Those dicks keep talking shits about my mom. And I'm just so pissed. I can't hold that anymore." Mark sighs. Still so pissed about what just happened.

"Want me to help you beat them up?" Donghyuck asks. His voice is just warm. The kind of warmth that makes you wants it to linger as long as possible. And sure Mark wants to keep that warmth forever.

"I’d love to. But that won't make me feel better. They'll tell the teacher and you know we can't win against them. I don't want to cause any trouble for my mom. She's been through a lot."

"Then i know exactly what you need other than beating them up."

"What?"

"Meet me after your class ends at the parking lot."

The bell rings before Mark could ask about anything. Every plan that includes Donghyuck doesn’t sound good. But mark is curious and he needs support from someone. And he knows Donghyuck is the only one who's going to give him that. So after class Mark really comes to the parking lot. He sees Donghyuck's car. Donghyuck's waving his hand and telling mark to get in the car.

"So what are we gonna do?"

"It's secret Mark, but it's gonna be fun I promise." Donghyuck smiles. He's shining; Mark must be hallucinating right now.

"I hope we won't do illegal things."

"Chill dude. Seriously we won't do anything illegal okay. Well except smoking. Now shut up and wear the seatbelt." That is enough to shut Mark’s mouth from asking more questions, but that isn’t enough to stop his anxiety.

Donghyuck drives the car and they finally stop in a convenient store.

"You better change your clothes, I'll buy some stuff. You can use my clothes. Here."

"Seriously where the fuck are we gonna go Donghyuck I'm having anxiety right now. At least you can tell where we are heading to."

"Okay slow down mark we're going to Vancouver" Mark can't believe Vancouver is 2 hours’ drive from his home and definitely they won't back until midnight.

"Are you crazy? My mom will be worried as hell, Donghyuck."

"That's why you need to say that you're staying in my house doing some projects. Now get out and change your clothes or we'll be late." Mark can't help but to do what Donghyuck has told him. But he's still anxious. This is just a crazy idea. But mark also feels excited and he doesn’t understand.

Mark finally changed his uniform with Donghyuck's jeans, t-shirt, and jacket. Donghyuck already changed too and he bought some snacks too.

"Okay, we're ready now. Let's go"

Another drives while listening to Justin Bieber’s songs, their favorite. Somehow Mark enjoys this trip. It's been a long time since the last he went to another city. And the fresh air that he's breathing right feels so soothing. Maybe after a while, he could forget his problems.

"Mark look" Donghyuck finally speaks. Mark looks at where Donghyuck is pointing his finger right now. He sees sunset but more beautiful than he ever saw in his entire life.

"Let's stop." Donghyuck stops his car. Donghyuck and Mark lean on the car. Donghyuck smokes once again. Mark follows him, blowing smoke from his mouth. He can't believe today he really makes his lungs work so hard.

"Do you always do this kind of thing?" He can’t help but ask Donghyuck this question. Donghyuck is full of mystery and Mark is always so curious about it.

"What do you mean by this kind of thing?" Donghyuck looks at Mark’s eyes for a second, but that’s enough to make Mark feel the butterfly inside his stomach.

"Driving so far just to smoke?"

"Sometimes" Donghyuck laughs before continues. "You know my parents don’t even in the house so I could do this thing. And to be honest I love it. My home feels so empty but by traveling I can make my heart less lonely. The perks of having shitty parents"

Mark realized he and Donghyuck are such a contradiction, yet they have more similarities.

"So without me today, you still gonna go?" Mark asks.

"Of course. But you know I really have planned to invite you today even though without you feeling awful. But you know the fact that you're annoyed today makes thing a lot easier." Donghyuck laughs as if there's nothing to worry about. As if everything is fine. Something Mark could never do.

"Come on, we have to go now if we want to come back before midnight." Mark follows Donghyuck to the car again, enjoys the wind that blows through the car windows.

After 2 hours of driving, they're finally in a carnival and Mark can't believe what he sees.

"Really Donghyuck? We drove 2 hours just to go to a carnival?" Actually, Mark doesn't feel angry or annoyed at all. He just really surprised. The fact that Donghyuck can do this without any kind of worry really freaks him up.

"Yup, now let's enjoy this before we can't."

Donghyuck drags Mark to a game arena. Mark misses doing this, to be honest. Carnival used to be his favorite before his dad suddenly left him alone with only her mom remains.

"Mark let's try that game."

Donghyuck points at the shooting game. Again, Mark follows Donghyuck, he's really excited right now. But he's not sure whether it's because of the game or because of Donghyuck. He maybe just realized this, but Donghyuck always able to create happy moments for Mark, from the simple thing until the complicated one. And this is just one of them.

"That was hard." Donghyuck laughs. His laugh is so contagious, Mark finally laughs too.

"Yeah, we just wasted 10 bucks for that game. I can't believe." Mark feels like he finally can forget his problem. How magical. Donghyuck itself is magical. As magical as the spell, that can turn Mark’s bad day into a good one.

"Wanna go to the beach?" Donghyuck asks. He smokes his cigarettes again.

"Is it far? I mean it's almost 11?"

"No, it’s only 15 minutes’ drive."

"Ok then" Mark knows this is such a crazy idea, again. He never did this before. He barely goes to the beach at afternoon, then why he suddenly agrees with Donghyuck's idea. What possibly he can get from going to a beach at 11 p.m. but it's just weird how he's so excited right now.

They finally arrived at the beach 15 minutes later. It's just a small beach nothing special. But the smell of salt is really calming. The weather is cold as the wind blows but Mark feels warmer than when he is in his bed. They sit on the sand. While Donghyuck smokes, Mark just stares at the ocean. Enough cigarettes for today because he's not feeling terrible anymore, thanks to Donghyuck. Donghyuck is just quiet, something that doesn't happen very often. The silence should kill, but mark feels safe. He's just happy. Happiness just seems reachable when he's with Donghyuck. The thing that Mark only realized today, took him months to admit that he feels happy when he's with Donghyuck. Mark is just scared to admit it. But in the silence he can't help but to admit everything.

"Donghyuck, I need to tell you something." Mark says. He has to spill this now or everything will become harder. He knows probably Donghyuck won't return his feeling but he just can't keep it anymore not when he's finally able to admit it.

"Me too." Donghyuck answers.

Mark takes a deep breath before spilling his words. He tries so hard to look at Donghyuck in the eye. But Donghyuck's eyes make him lost. Mark doesn’t know where this gut comes from but he finally speaks.

"Donghyuck, I think I fall for you. I know this is probably weird but I just need to spill this to you because I don’t know if after this I'll still have the guts to do this. so.."

Mark's words are hanging. And Donghyuck remains silent. Both of them are thinking something. Mark starts to feel more anxious but Donghyuck finally found his voice.

"But Mark I, I have to go. I will move to Korea, tomorrow. I won't be in Canada anymore. My parents want to move. And I have to follow them. This is my last adventure in here. That's why I ask you to come because we won't able to do this anymore. And I, I really want to accept your feeling. But I can't, Mark. I'm just gonna give you false hope and endless time of waiting, because I won't be back. I can't. My parents business is collapsing right now and we just can't back to Canada. My parents have so much debt. They have to run away. Mark, I'm sorry."

Mark can see how miserable Donghyuck is right now. He wants to cry but trying to resist all of his feelings. Why Donghyuck? Why can't you just take out your emotion? He wants to hug Donghyuck so bad. But will that make anything better? He’s too broken to fix someone. His heart is too hurt to feel anything right now. How he could comfort Donghyuck, when he’s trying so hard to hold himself so every piece won’t shatter.  He thought he’s going to be with Donghyuck and finally found the real happiness he’s been desperately looking for. But everything's gone. He feels like waking up from a really good dream. Leaving him sad because no matter how good it is, it's still a dream, not reality.

[markeubaby]

Dark Side, Bright Light

Taeyong loves fighting. He thinks that beating people up can also beat the empty feeling in his heart. Feeling the pain physically is better than feeling a pain that can’t be touched. He doesn't mind seeing blood dripping from his mouth. The bruise has become common. That's why he prefers bruises and blood because people can see it, not like his heart and mind that hurt like hell but doesn't even leave a trace. Taeyong doesn't care if he has to lay down in the hospital bed for weeks than dealing with depression. He hates depression so much. He would do anything to just get that out from his life. But he can't. That's why he's seeking relieve by beating up or being beaten.

Jaehyun loves peace. He just wants to stay out of trouble and have a normal life. A boring one people called. He just wants to get diploma, job, then be successful. Married is not on his list because he knows better than anyone that he can’t marry a man without society judging him to death. He doesn't want a life like that because he's desperate to be normal. But his heart won't listen to him no matter how hard he tries. But for Jaehyun sacrificing love for a normal life is fine. He thinks love is just something delusional. To think that he could finally someone who'll love him, or to think that maybe even though he's with his lover everything will stay the same is delusional. He loves peace so much. He loves his boring life so much, which is weird, but he just doesn’t want to get out from that.

Taeyong believes that would stay the same. He will live the rest of his life being unloved. He's going to keep beating his depression by beating people. Jaehyun also believes he will stay the same. He just needs to finish his education, get a job, then success. He wants to live a life where he can be normal, where everything will go as he planned. But everything's collapsed right now.

Jaehyun loves Taeyong. And turns out he keeps rethinking about what he could possibly get by getting diploma and job. Happiness? Not even close to that, because the word happiness only exists when he's with Taeyong.

Taeyong also loves Jaehyun even more that he could imagine. But he doesn't want to get Jaehyun involved into his messy life. Taeyong has enemy almost everywhere and being with Jaehyun will make him has a weakness. And Jaehyun can get hurt. Thinking that makes him feeling awful, he loves blood, but not if it is from Jaehyun's body.

Jaehyun thought he could change. Taeyong too. Jaehyun could just give up his normal life. Give up his diploma and job then run away with Taeyong. But Taeyong also ready to stop beating people up, and say sorry to all of his enemies to have a normal life with Jaehyun. He's ready to face his depression this time. Well, at least he can try. He's ready to let his bruises heal.

They thought.

But in fact doing that wasn't as simple as what they said. Jaehyun's not quite ready to let go his life and Taeyong is barely breathing without bruises in his hands.

"I don't want you to change, Taeyong. I know you can't change so easily. It's okay if you don't want to change I'll run away with you. We can hide. I don't mind if you keep being like this, I love you as you are, you don't need to change for me Tae."

Jaehyun's words are just too romantic. As if it comes from a romance novel. That’s just delusional and Taeyong knows. Of course Jaehyun can't do that. Letting something go is not easy even if that's just a daily routine.

"No, Jae. What's wrong with you! You don't want me to change into a better person?"

That’s just a lie. Taeyong knows better than anyone that he could never be a better person. He wants to laugh at himself right now. He just gives Jaehyun empty promises and false hope.

"You should just stay as you are. If it's for the best please just leave me. Forget me, Jae. Get your diploma and job and everything you want."

Taeyong can handle broken ribs, bruised knuckles, but he can't handle this kind of feeling. Not even a bit.

"But I want you Taeyong. You want me to get everything that I want. But you're trying to push me away. Then how could I possibly get everything that I want."

Jaehyun almost screamed. He hates Taeyong. But he loves him. Tonight they're both just leaving each other with bruises that the other can't see. Taeyong once again back into his daily life. Jaehyun too. But tonight Taeyong isn't beating people; he just beats a dead wall. He’s trying to replace the heartache with physical pain while Jaehyun is crying in silent, looking at his ceiling. Wishing he could fix everything. Wishing he could balance his life with Taeyong's. But he can't. Taeyong lives in the street, loving darkness, and even if Jaehyun says he's okay with the dark Taeyong won't let him step on it because for Taeyong that's the only way to keep Jaehyun safe. But what if the person he's desperately trying to save doesn't want safety or anything except him. Only heartbreak will remain.

[markeubaby]

"let’s do bad things together!" i say, as you smoke your cigarette. you just stay still, look into my eyes with the same smile i always adore. "yeah of course, as long as we're together" u know what, the moment you say that my heart hurts so bad because i know this is the worst decision ever.

[markeubaby]

“if our love story is just another tragedy, would you still want to be the main character?”

[markeubaby]

"he has to do it because he has no other choice but what if the other boy give him another chance to fix everything?"

[markeubaby]

the world is just a mess, you say. you know exactly how fucked up it is, as you blow the smoke out of your mouth. well i don’t need to taste the cigarette to know how bitter it is. bitter has became my new thing. i already feel familiar with it. but the thing i always curious about is every time you try to fight bitter feeling with cigarette, does that work? or the feeling is just the same just like when i hurt myself? tell me which one is better? you probably answer ofc nothing is better. then i'm gonna laugh.

[markeubaby]

hacker au. marklee.

[markeubaby]

poems #2

broken. broken home. broken soul. broken. runs through a dim light of agony too lost to even take a deep breath trying to hold on a lingering scent of poison wishing memories could burn along with the fire making it easy to ease the tormented heart

stay. paint me new. scatter those color around. fix the loneliness. show me the pipe dream. he's screaming but the voice is lost underneath leaving the bitter taste to drag him back and the reality comes along he's still alone, still broken, still needed help yet a hand never reach him out.

[markeubaby]

poems #1

it was a spark, emerged in the end of April. happiness as what people called, something so mesmerizing, the high of bliss that everyone tried to cultivate. it's simple they say, you earn that everyday. but why we feel like we're lacking of it? we keep wishing to the stars, to the moon, for a simple enjoyment, if that was simple in the first place. then you realized it wasn't. a word that starts with /h/ that ends with /s/ is not plain. it was everything you desire. you yearn for it, every second of your life. because you know, when it's gone, everything will become blurry. the spark is gonna die too. leaving you alone with the agony, that tormented like it's the end. even if it isn't.