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markaigold · 5 years ago

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Great!

Cause all of my enemies started out friends (Help me hold onto you)

AO3

The couch under her is way too soft. Lena tries to keep a cold, professional poster. One that says “it wasn’t my idea to be here”. But the soft fabric was apparently designed to make her want to lay down and spill all of her secrets. She is not doing this. She crosses her legs and tries to keep her back as straight as possible and stay far far away from where Kara sits on the other side of the couch. This was a terrible, terrible idea.

When Kara first brought up the idea of therapy, it was most definitely a joke. She wishes things between her and Lena could go back to normal, or at least their own version of normal, but she was obviously desperate, because, going to therapy? together? isn’t it something only couples and dysfunctional families do?

The problem is she was having dinner with Alex and kelly when she said that, and they both seem to agree a therapy is a really good idea, for both of them, and if this would make Lena go, so they could do it together and work on their issues, why not?

Kara remembers the way Lena’s eyes looked when she told her about Lex. How defeated she looked after she realizes how far she went with her plan. How little fighting spirit was left in her. She would probably never agree to that, but what kind of a friend she is if she won’t even try?

She must be losing her mind. That’s that only logical explanation. Lena laughs when Kara first brought up the idea. It’s dry and stuck in her throat and when she looks back at Kara she is suddenly tired. She doesn’t want to fight anymore. She doesn’t really want to fix it either. She wants to go back to Metropolis and grieve and start over in a place where Kara’s face wouldn’t haunt her from every TV screen and magazine cover. She wants… she doesn’t know what exactly. But Lena is not a quitter. She can’t leave, and she can’t stay like this, every nerve exposed, the world around her slightly off and out of focus.

“Okay”

“Okay?” She clearly caught Kara by surprise.

“Look, I’m tired of fighting, and maybe talking about it, really talking this time, with someone neutral and trustworthy… it’s not the worse idea in the world”

“Thank you for doing this. I’ll text you the details”

“I can’t promise you things would ever go back to the way they used to”

“I’m not asking you to. Good night Lena”.

And then she is gone. Flies into the night sky and leaves Lena to wonder what the hell did she just agreed to.

Kelly helps her find the right therapist. Mrs. Miller (You can call me Carol, she tells her when she finally makes the call and Kara likes her already) used to work for the DEO. Jonn assures Kara she can be trusted and she has plenty of recommendations and a lot of experience working with agents and their partners.

The office is warmer than she thought it would be. The couch is so soft she practically wants to fly home with it. The walls are yellow, and there are framed pictures of boats and rivers and blue skies. Lena looks the opposite of warm. She sits further away from her as possible like she is rethinking the whole idea of coming here today and Kara is starting to doubt it was a good idea after all.

Carol smiles at them encouragingly. She appeared to be in her late thirties and has a business casual look, with high heels and a no-bullshit attitude that reminds Kara of Kat. After a couple of minutes of awkward silence, she clears her throat.

“Let’s start by telling me what brought you here”

Kara looks at Lena. Lena looks at the carpet. Okay than.

“I kept my true identity from Lena from the very beginning of our relationship, and by the time I’ve finally gathered the courage to tell her the truth. That I’m supergirl” she pauses for a second, waiting to see how Carol takes these words, but she keeps a perfect poker face and Kara continues “Lena already found out, and she didn’t take it well. It ruined us. and I miss her and I want to make things better but I don’t know how”

Carol nodes at her sympathetically, and shift her attention to Lena.

“Lena, what brings you here today?”

She focuses on the carpet. The different patterns, the stain on the left corner, the colors. Why is she here?

“To be honest, I’m not completely sure”

“Do you share Kara’s wish to make things better?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if this is something we can move on from. If I could ever trust her after this. if I even want to try”

“But you are here, trying, you made a choice”

“I want to clear the air between us. To be able to move on with my life without the deadweight of this failed relationship. But I don’t want us to be friends again. I can’t do this”

“We don’t have to be friends” Kara’s lips tremble like she is trying hard to keep it together.

“You don’t even have to speak to me ever again, I mean, I’ll miss you, but I would respect that if this is what you want. Just don’t hate me, okay? because I’m not sure I can live in a world where you hate me. You are my best friend. I never meant to hurt you, please know that. “

Best friend. These words have lost all meaning for Lena, and Kara keeps waving them in her face like they have a secret meaning she doesn’t understand.

“How can you call me your best friend when I feel like I don’t even know you?” she spits out.

“Kara Danvers was my best friend, and she was kind and clumsy, and vulnerable and honest. But she never really existed, isn’t she? She was all a lie.”

Kara is taken aback by that.

“It’s not true. I’m Kara. I’ve always being Kara.” she says it with a tiny, broken voice like she just now starting to realizes what Lena feels.

“Supergirl is a part of me, and you are right. It’s a huge part I kept from you, but I was trying to make up for it. I was ready to show you everything, I open my world to you, I took you to the fortress of solitude and you used it against me, you chose revenge over our friendship. You are so used to people betraying you that you couldn’t see I didn’t lie to you because I wanted to keep you in the dark, I lied to you because I was so afraid of losing you”.

“I know you think it somehow justifies it but I think if anything it makes it even worse. “

She didn’t trust her. “If you were really such a good friend, you would have told me and let me decide for myself whether I still want to be your friend. You wouldn’t have waited three whole years while everyone else already knew. Do you have any idea how much of an idiot you made me feel?”

“I’m sorry. You are right, I should have told you much sooner, I should have trusted you”.

She is sorry too. Sorry she ever let her enter her heart and make herself comfortable, leaving her with a giant hole in the place that was once saved for her.

She feels drained when she comes home. Her Anger is still there, still very much alive under the surface, but it doesn’t feel like it’s going to consume her anymore. Not tonight anyway. Her thoughts feel clearer. Her heart stronger. She stands on her balcony and breath the night’s air. Up from a distance, Kara watches her.

She is flying for hours, going higher and higher and letting the voices of the city disappear and the world underneath becomes a blur of lights and colores. She doesn’t mean to spy, but she is thinking about Lena and suddenly she hovers over the roof of her building, her body makes this familiar path before she even realized it.

There is something unsettling about the way Lena looks. She let her hair down and it falls on her shoulders in small waves. She looks vulnerable, in leggings and a long cardigan and eyes that stare far far away. What is she thinking about? After a moment Lena goes back inside as if she senses she is being watched. Kara looks as she closes the curtains and turns off the lights in her living room. She listens to her as she brushes her teeth and gets ready for bed and then catches herself and finally flies home.

Lena greets her with a cold “Hi” when they meet outside Mrs. Miller’s office the next Friday. Her eyes meet here’s for a long beat that makes Kara stupidly hopeful. She still sits far away from her on the other side of the couch, but her poster seems less stiff. Her breath more even.

“Lena. You mentioned in our last session that you don’t even sure you know Kara, so what I want you two to do today, is get to know each other, for real this time. Take the time to think about something you want to share with each other. It could be anything you want, as long as you are being honest, don’t interrupt each other, just listen, and try to really hear what the other person has to say.

Kara doesn’t know where to begin. She has so much to tell, and she thought they would have time for that, over coffee and lunch dates and late-night conversations. But she guesses now would have to do. "Did you know that I was supposed to come to earth before superman?” She manages to catch Lena’s attention and she looks at her now, attempting to keep her face blank, but Kara knows hers, she knows the way her eyebrows rise slightly when she is curious, the way her face muscles tense just a little bit. “I’m actually older than Kal-El. Superman I mean, that’s how we used to call him back home. He was just a baby when Krypton exploded, and I was sent to earth to protect him, but things didn’t go as planned and I arrived twenty-four years after him. I was supposed to have this important role, to have someone to protect, but I got here, thirteen and scared and homesick, and he didn’t need me anymore. I had these new powers I wasn’t supposed to use and I tried so hard to just be normal, to just be Kara Danvers. To choose my own path. But something was always missing, you know? I felt like I’m living someone else’s life. And then, Alex was in danger, and I had to save her, and I saved that plain, and suddenly I knew what I was supposed to do. I knew what my calling is. And it wasn’t always easy, definitely not in the beginning, but I think being able to be kara, just kara when I needed it, having a normal job, and normal game nights, having normal friends, helped. Supergirl is one dimensional. She this symbol, for everything I want to believe in, and she always has to do the right thing, to put the needs of others before hers, to make the right choices, and kara… she is allowed to make mistakes, she is allowed to be selfish, she is allowed to be human. She is much more me than supergirl ever will “

Lena can feel the walls around her heart melts just a little bit. She can’t let it happen. She resists it, just like she had the first time, every fiber of her being is against it, every lock ready to keep Kara out. it was always doomed to failure, isn’t it?

It takes her time to finds the right words. She doesn’t want to talk about Lex but she has to talk about him, has to bring up the elephant in the room if she wants to be able to set herself free.

“Lex was the only one in the family who was there for me. I adored him, and he loved me in his own twisted way. He always made me feel smart and strong and powerful. I thought that together we would be invincible. I was so happy to work with him, to be his equal, to make a difference, to make the world a better place.” she smiles in irony.

“but I realized too late that his version of a better place is much different and dangerous than mine, and suddenly I felt so alone. In a couple of months, I lost a friend and a brother and a boyfriend and I moved to National City to try to open a new page. All I wanted was to show the world I’m not my brother. It was supposed to be a business decision. To save the family company. I wasn’t looking for friends. It was too soon, I was still licking past wounds, and let’s face it, it’s not like I was much of a people person to begin with, and then you came along, and you made me believe in people again”.

Somewhere in the corner of her eyes, there are uninvited tears. “you were so so bright and good and you made me happy and you cared, and it was so easy to fall into that, to let you in. So I overlooked all the signs, all the red flags, every time my senses tried to tell me something is wrong I didn’t listen because it was so much easier to believe in you. To have you as my friend. I put so much trust in you and you just… what was I even for you? a charity case? a way to show the world you got a Luthor on your side? why do you need me, a Luthor as your friend when you have so many other people in your life that you don’t have to lie to? “

Lena looks so beautiful and kara wants to reach out and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. She wants to say everything that goes through her head until Lena would finally believes her. because you are kind and brilliant and stubborn and absolutely stunning in every possible way. Because I love you, you idiot.

She doesn’t say it out loud.

Lena’s voice is quieter as she continues, just barely over a whisper. “I killed my own brother for you, because I was so blinded by your light, because I thought if Supergirl was capable of doing this, it must be a good thing, it would make the world safer. It would make me safer, but now I have to live with that, he was my brother and I loved him, and I had to stop him, and now I’m left with no one. I can’t even talk to my best friend because she was lying to me this whole time. I felt so alone and so lost. I just wanted to create a world where people can’t hurt each other the way Lex hurt me, the way you hurt me, and I know my methods were, questionable, but was it so wrong of me? to want a better world? isn’t it something we have in common?”

The air in the room is heavy.

Kara is grateful when Carol reminds them she needs to finish their session a couple of minutes early. Lena practically speeds out of the room like she is the one with the superpowers between the two of them, but Kara is lost in her thought and it takes her longer than anticipated to gather her things and leave the building.

(By the time the elevator opens at the entrance floor, Lena’s car is long gone.)

Kara is kind of nervous. To say the least. When Carol called and asked them to come to separates meetings next week she hasn’t given it much attention, but going here was all about Lena, and without her in the room, Kara isn’t sure she can do this. She sits at the center of the couch, and she feels as if the fabric is going to swallow her any moment now. She never went to therapy before, never thought she would be able to speak freely about who she is and where she came from without getting a first-class ticket to a psychiatric hospital, or worse. She is used to process things on her own, with some help from the people around her. Is she ready to sit in front of a stranger and talk, about everything she is so used to hide? She feels suddenly hot.

“Kara, the reason I want you to come alone today is that our last meeting made me realize both you and Lena have issues, unrelated to your relationship that affects the way you treated each other in the past. and I think giving you an opportunity to talk about those things and understand your actions better can help you get better choices in the future, does that make sense to you?”

“Yes. I’m all ready to process whatever it is that need to be processed if it means it would give me and Lena a better chance to fix things”

“That’s good, but I don’t want to focus on Lena this week, I want to focus on you, can you do it?”

Kara nodes.

“Tell me, what is the last thing you remember from Krypton?”

getting right to the point. Kara takes a deep breath, focus on the warmth of the Tea between her hands. She doesn’t like thinking about that day.

“There was chaos everywhere” She can still smell the smoke in the air, hear the panic in her mother’s voice, feel her heart trying to burst out of her chest. “ We knew for years that something like this might happen but it always felt far away, so no one believed it could really happen. We were unprepared, and people were terrified. You know how in the movies when the world is about to end they always show people trying to make the most out of their last night?”

Carol nodes.

“in reality, I think most people just stayed at home with their families and watch the news and tried not to be scared”

“And your family?”

“They knew about the danger, and they were prepared, they were trying to save the city, but they didn’t know if it would work, so they sent Kal- El to earth, knowing he would have advantage here because of the yellow sun, and I was sent right after him, to keep him safe.”

Carol shifts in her chair and scribes something in her legal pad. “What did they say to you? it’s a lot to put on a child’s shoulders, did they explain?”

“They say that there is a great destiny waiting for me, that I would have extraordinary abilities, that the ride would be long, but I’ll sleep most of the time, and they would be with me, in my dreams. I was trying to be brave, but I was still so so scared”

“Did you ever feel mad at them because of this?”

“In the beginning, I just missed them terribly. But after a while, yeah, I began to think why they did it. What kind of parent send his kid away? who send a thirteen years old girl to protect her baby cousin? why didn’t they come with me? why didn’t they let me stay with them? why did they leave me all alone?” She holds her mug so tight that the handle breaks under her touch.

“Oh god I’m so sorry”

Carol dismisses her. “that’s completely understandable. You are right to be angry. They left you, their child, all alone on her way to a strange new planet, somewhere she would not only be a stranger, but she would be different from everyone else, somewhere she could never fully belong “

“They did it to protect me”

“It doesn’t mean you can’t be angry about it”

“But I shouldn’t be this angry. When I found out my mother is still alive, we talked about everything. I thought it’s all behind me now”

“Just because you forgave someone, doesn’t mean it stops hurting and it doesn’t mean you stop being scared of getting hurt again”

“I’m not scared of getting hurt”

“you said you were scared of losing Lena��

“Yeah, I guess you are right. I was afraid of losing her. I’m still afraid of losing her ”

“Does it happen a lot in your life?”

“what?”

“people leaving”

Kara is silent for a moment. She thinks about her parents. She thinks about Jeremiah, she thinks about Mon-el, and Win and James and even Kat. Carol is still looking at her with a pointy gaze, waiting for her to respond. She nodes slowly.

And then she starts talking.

“Can you see a pattern here Kara? You loved your parents, and you had to leave them, you loved Jeremiah, and he died, you loved Mon-El and you had to let him go. These are all people who knew who you are, and you lost them. I can’t imagine it wouldn’t have an effect on other relationships in your life”

“Do you think it affected the way I acted with Lena? that’s why I was so afraid to tell her the truth?”

“you tell me” Kara looks at her, lost, and Carol sigh. She puts down her legal pad and looks kara straight in the eyes.

“I think you didn’t tell her, because somewhere deep down you thought this would be the beginning of the end, not because she would hate you, but because that’s what usually happened when Kara Zor El loves someone, and you couldn’t risk it, not with Lena, am i right?”.

“You know, there was a part of me that hoped she would figure it out on her own. She is so so smart and clever, and I was half expecting her to one day just put two and two together, and then I wouldn’t have to do it myself. But I was relieved she didn’t because I kind of liked the idea of someone who liked to be friends with me, with Kara. Someone who still considered me a hero without knowing I have actual superpowers. And then, she started to have problems with supergirl and I didn’t agree with her choices, but as Kara, I could forget all that, and just be her friend. She made me feel normal. And I didn’t want it to stop. And I didn’t want to put her in danger. I had to watch my own sister getting her memory wiped to protect me, I couldn’t put another person in this position. I couldn’t lose her too. But I guess I might lose her anyway”

“I won’t be so sure about the last part. “

“Have you been here for the past two weeks? she can barely look at me”

I have. And I can’t speak for Lena, but I have some experience with people in your situation”

“people who hid their superhero identity from their best friend?”

“couples who lost each other trust”

“oh”

“It can be rebuilt. If both sides are ready to work on the relationship, and I don’t know what Lena wants. but she showed up to our meetings, twice now. I think we can take it as a sign she might want to save your friendship, even if she is not ready to admit it just yet.”

"let’s talk about your brother, shall we?”

The room suddenly feels cold. Instinctively, Lena looks for Kara’s gaze for comfort, but she is not here today and Carol seems determined to pull out some hard truths from her.

“Okay, let’s talk”

“you told Kara that you killed him for her, for your friends, is that right?”

“That’s what I said, yes”

“was Kara with you when you killed Lex?”

“No, but” “did she told you to press the trigger?”

“No. Is this some sort of interrogation?”

“Don’t worry, this conversation is still confidential. For all I know Lex died while he was fighting Supergirl, I’m on your side Lena, I’m just trying to make a point here can you go along with me?”

Lena nodes slowly.

“Was Kara even aware that Lex is still alive? that you went after him?”

“No”

“Do you think kara would have tried to kill him herself if she knew he is still out there?”

“If she thought this is the only way, yes, she would have”

“Was there any other way?”

“No. It was Lex. he is the smartest person I ever met, if we put him back in jail he would have found a way out it no time, it has to be done”

“So, I’ll ask you again, is kara responsible for what you did to Lex, or is it possible that you are blaming Kara because admitting it was your decision, would be too painful?”

“I loved him, and I adored him and all he ever did was manipulate and try to control me, I had to get free of him, of his hold on me, I had to kill him” she is crying now, big, real tears.

“I couldn’t live in a world where I’m constantly in fear that he would show up and try to take everything from me”.

“Do you feel guilty?”

“Of course I feel guilty. He was my brother. I didn’t want to give up on him, I wish I would have found a way to save him” She takes the time to wipe her tears.

“My brother wasn’t a good person. He was brilliant and passionate, but he wasn’t good. He was my best friend and for a long time, the only person in the world that understood me. He used to call me his partner in crime and I liked it until he wanted me to actually participate in his crimes and I realized he went too far, that he would never be someone I could count on.”

“Look, Lena, I can’t take this burden from you, you made an incredibly difficult decision and you would have to find a way to make peace with it if you want to move on with your life. But I worked with a lot of trauma victims, and many of the people who stood to their abuser share the same feeling, the same guilt. I’m here to tell you that from everything you have told me, it sounds like your brother was a grown man who made terrible choices that hurt everyone around him. That he used you, his sister, his own family for his twisted plan and caused you immense trauma, he made you scared and feel threatened, he made you feel unsafe at your own city, and at the time, you felt that your only way to stop him was to end it yourself, because as long as he was alive, you and your friend were in danger. If anyone caused you to pull that trigger, it was Lex himself. Do you hear me?”

She is full-on crying now. Big, ugly tears that trail down her face and ruin her makeup.

She knew all of this already. But knowing is one thing, and having everything spelled out for her in a way that actually makes her believe it is a whole other thing. It’s not her fault. It’s not her fault. It’s not her fault.

She still dreams about Lex. But the dreams are fuggy now, gone when she tries to remember the details in the morning. She doesn’t wake up covered in cold sweat at 3 am anymore, doesn’t toss and turn and give up sleep altogether. She wakes up one morning after a full night of peaceful sleep and feels finally free.

She smiles when she sees Kara. It’s tiny, but it’s there. There is still a bitter taste in her mouth, but Lena doesn’t want to be angry anymore. Lex doesn’t get to have that, ruin the one good thing she has in her life. He already took away so much from her. He doesn’t get to take away her happiness as well. There are so many things she wants to say. But there would be time for that later, time for quiet apologies and explanations. Now all she says is "Kara”, and the other woman looks at her as if she was waiting to hear it all along.

“Oh Lena”.

They sit next to each other on the couch. Shoulders bumpings, Kara’s hand covers hers gently when she struggles to find her words. She missed that. Kara’s smile and her perfume in her nose, the way she laughs from the most ridiculous reasons and eats like well… an alien. She feels grounded again. Like all this time she was floating aimlessly through space and Kara is a bright beautiful star she follows back home.

They still go to see Carol. It’s easier now when they can drive together (or fly together that one time when they lost track of time and were about to be late, which becomes Lena’s favorite way of transportation, with the wind in her hair and Kara’s arms wrap around her.) They are still cautious around each other. There is trust to restore and bridges to build but they are happy to kiss every wound and face every hardship, even if it can sometimes get a little messy.

When she kisses Lena it’s the scariest thing she has ever done. Because this could ruin everything, because this could be everything and oh god, Lena is kissing her back.

“Took you long enough”

Lena’s smile is the brightest she had ever seen it. She looks happy, carefree and Kara wishes they could stay like this forever.

“You have no idea”

“How long?” Lena’s fingers are brushing against her neck now, drawing circles around her collarbones and she finds it a little hard to focus.

“A while. It just took me some time to admit it. You do realize I don’t just fly off to Paris for just anyone, right?“

“Yeah, that should have probably been my first clue, if I wasn’t so busy hating you”

“I can’t believe we got here”

“I think I know a way or two to convince you,” Lena says playfully and now she is kissing her, and it’s a whole other kind of messy, the kind that leaves kara hot and dizzy and wanting more more more.

Things don’t go back to the way they used to be, and thanks Rao for that. There are first dates and goodnight kisses, game nights and Alex’s knowing glares. Someone waiting in her bed when she flies off to be a hero, late-night conversations and lazy morning with Lena in her arms.

Kara flies with her around the night sky when she asks to come along. The city looks stunning from above, a living breathing entity of sounds and colors.

(The ground is far away but Lena never felt safer).

She is looking forward to a lifetime of this.

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