marjiex

[marjiex]

Hanahaki

Chapter One, Part Two

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

My own original thoughts and writing gathered from my beloved notes app.

Chapter One: Petals

You told me you would miss me once high school ends, that you cannot imagine your life without me. Did you truly mean that? We have done so much together. Just the two of us. I will always remember the summer we went to the mall together. Just us, you didn't want to invite any of our friends. To me it felt like a date. i loved doing everything with you. Watching shows and movies. Having inside jokes that none of our other friends understood. Playing video games together. Getting to know each other overall in the last 3 years that I have known you, in such an intimate and special way. It was special. Tell me it was. I'm sorry. For becoming filled with hope that maybe we could have been more than friends. I mistook so many of your friendly gestures for signs because I was delusional. I developed feelings for a girl who was only looking for a friend. Following you around like a mindless dog. Doing my best to make you happy. Jumping out of my comfort zone for you. No one told me to do it. You never told me to do any of it. I was the one who chose to. I believed that somehow all my efforts would make me more appealing to you. I wish you could have realized I did it all because I liked you. I had a crush on you. I wanted you. All because I had been convinced that destiny had brought us together. That the universe had found me a perfect person. Perhaps you are a perfect person for me. A perfect friend. Only a friend. I can't see you like that anymore. The more my feelings grew the more it was going to hurt. I knew that. Yet I chose to stay in my world of delusion. I liked you so much. You were a small crush. Nothing more. You were supposed to be nothing more. Nothing but a stupid crush.

I wish it never had to change.

[marjiex]

Hanahaki

Chapter One, Part One

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

My own original thoughts and writing gathered from my beloved notes app.

Chapter One: Petals

How did it begin? Was it the day I met you on that hill? Or when we talked for the first time? Maybe it was way back when I could only see you through a screen, right? I am not so sure myself. About the day I began to like you. There is a brief answer that I think it was when you began to show me your love for the world. The days where I did not know you yet were dark. I remember those days being so dark and so lonely. I was distant from the world to a point I did not dare dream or hope for a light to guide me out of the dark. Yet there you were. My light. Coming into my life when I did not even think it possible. It was only because of you that I was able to see the beauty of the world again. What I once came to despise I learnt to love once more. You never knew it. I never told you. But I am grateful for that. Grateful for having you in my life. Sharing your passions allowed me to reclaim my own. How could I continue to hate them when you made them sound so lovely again? Music, books, films, hobbies. I was reborn, into a better person. You helped me reborn. I had admiration and respect for you always. Since the start. Although perhaps it was then that I began to develop feelings stronger than admiration for you. How could I have known that developing a small crush would later come to destroy me? I didn't. In the first year I got to know you as a person I was grateful to have a friend. Just two girls who shared so much similar interests. You were unlike anyone I had ever met. Nothing compared to the horrible people of my past. You were beyond their level. Better. I think to myself that perhaps the reason I became so attached to you was to continue having you by my side. To not lose the light I had finally gotten ahold of, afraid that if I did not hold on you would begin to disappear with the rest of the tiny stars in the sky. You stayed my moon. Shinning brighter and bigger. I cherished every moment together from the start. I noticed every small thing you did. How we both had no one to sit with on the first day of school and ended up sitting together for lunch. Only us two. I remember watching Jojo's Bizarre Adventure together at our lunch table because you introduced me to it. Your passion for this show and how it connected to your love for Rock music amazed me. I remember reading the funniest fan fiction we could find on the internet to each other. How we laughed so loud without a care what anyone around us thought. Since the start you always made me feel comfortable. I especially loved when you began to bring me snacks. The Madelline cookie you brought from home for me, just for me. Even when we began sitting with our group of friends, I knew I still had you. I liked to think that us meeting was destiny. How we were assigned to the same homeroom. I took it as a sign that we were something special. It is so stupid, I know. However, back then I really wanted to believe that we could become something. You made me believe we could have, right? When you wanted us to cosplay Hua Cheng and Xie Lian, knowing there were love interests. When I was not feeling okay mentally, and you kept calling me although it was so late at night, and you were supposed to be sleeping. Playing video games together and matching characters that were always shipped. Drawing hearts on my schoolwork. Letting me rest on your lap when I was tired. We even started giving each other nicknames. I liked when you acted this way with me. Even when you were only fake flirting. When I found out you did not do that with our other friends made me feel so special. Hell, we even watched adult content videos together. So tell me. How could I have not believed we were something? Also, the fact that you had been living 3 minutes away from me my whole life. Going to different middle schools but sharing the same campus. I did not know you yet and you did not know me, but we lived many of the same memories. So how could I have NOT believed we were something special? HOW?