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[marin3llyells]

Just like that, its been a year.

Exactly four months after graduating and gaining my bachelor's degree, I was able to land a job earlier than expected. Since I thought to myself I needed to give myself some time to cope from a somewhat traumatic events that happened, related to academic stress and pressure, and self-crisis as well. I have to be honest and recognize that my mental health and motivation was highly affected. But still, it was manageable. So glad to share that it resulted to being able to see that even with hardships, your girl was still able to do amazing things— atleast for me. Hehe!

I honestly overlooked the exact date of turning one year at reaching a milestone at work. Timely, our team started with setting goals, which am grateful for having that chance to look back and look forward for another year to come.

Ofcourse, I have few more to be grateful about, and here it goes:

Meeting people, both being reconnected to friends along this journey and making friendship with workmates, this also includes meeting clients and students.

Opportunities. I was able to share knowledge, experience, and talk about areas I've been training for awhile. Surely, I can see that invested time and hardships are being utilized.

Being able to treat myself, and my family. I've been able to share a part where we are able to enjoy good food, and have that memorable chances to talk about life and simply enjoy time and company.

Practicing to say "yes" and "no", no more gray lines here. Yey!

Embracing flaws and shortcomings— this enabled me to startover and think about improvements instead, that I can say "it's a working-on" instead of keeping the negative words in my head. I'm not a failure.

I have so much to be thankful about, and these are just few that I thought to be more significant to be shared. Some are to be kept personally.

There's this view I always get to see after a day at work, as I wait for a bus ride back home. Despite being physically tired and wanting to lay in bed, there's this chance in seeing an epitome of a phrase saying "job well done"— as simple as a sunset.

May we also continue to find such on a daily basis. Including taking time to appreciate our short-list of accomplishments. Let's use this and yell out as we celebrate our achievements.

Here's to looking forward for more celebration—

[marin3llyells]

Unto the first days of a new year; 2024.

Spent a whole day with the family at Indang, Cavite wherein the place was not crowded as if we got it for ourselves. I honestly loved the idea that we only planned to go out but without specific plans on what activities to do or even having a specific place to go to. I even got to realized that I was no good at navigating google maps as we have missed turns since I was not able to direct which turns to take, during that time I was always late to say it out loud and the google map needs to re-route multiple times.

Still we ended up to a place wherein it actually fits our preference of being able to avoid heavy traffic and crowded place. It was so peaceful.

Peaceful— I meant, good food, time well spent away from all our usual routine and errands such as school works for my siblings and work for my parents and I. We were also able to enjoy our own "thing" such as painting and journaling for myself. Took lovely photos as well! And best part was, got to play monoply as initiated by our bunso, Bing. 🤍 (she won btw!)

Our January first was really a good recharge as I was also able to return to work with a fresh start. I was able to perform sessions with my students as if di ko ramdam yung pagod. My heart was definitely happy. This continued for few more days after.

One thing I also appreciate was receiving a gift from my brother. We've been talking about dressing up, improving outfit styles lately, and yep, I was taught to going back to basics. I've been receiving jeans from him which definitely was a step forward for me in embracing other styles than my usual fitted jeans and a shirt.

Sagot niya one basic top from a brand I would've never buy from as a kuripot sa sarili, or probably it was still something I'm working on for myself. This time tho, I bought 2 more shirts that time alone. Thanks to my brother for encouraging. I love being reminded unconsiously to do better on treating myself other than buying myself coffee most of the time. It actually motivated me in gaining more self confidence, lalo nung nakikita ko sarili ko sa isang malaking mirror during fitting. Sakto pang may new body mirror ako since mama and dad tried to save a mirror from a vintage cabinet na inaanay, sakin na lang raw. Siempre yes na yes agad! Placed it in my room and took photos as I pair the shirts I bought with another short I got on a thrift shop with my brother few months back. Reading a message (as feedback lol) "bagay nga" was a big yey moment for me, lalo di ako usually nagsusuot ng ganung klaseng outfit dati.

Anyways...

I'm really looking forward that this year will motivate me to do more, be encouraged to better on both small and big things. Lalo na hearing mama saying, "24 ka na". It was definitely a reminder that I have to face adult life. (Scary, tbh!!!)

By the next few days; even months, I know I'm still preparing for more attempts on improvements and embracing challenges. Yes, I'm still scared, but as one of my aunties say, "It has to be done".

Good thing I found new bunch of people that could potentially be part of venturing a new journey. Sana nga nakaka-motivate rin ako para sa ibang taong nakakasalamuha ko.

For now, I'll yell for motivating myself and shoo away my negative thoughts.

Ewan ko, siguro tama rin namang mapagod sa pagiging takot na mag-stay sa comfort zone at failures na nangyari. Surely, it's happening to simply see how far we'll get.

I'm happy to share that fear is what could remind as that there are some things we still value, which potentially will help us to do better. Kaya takot, kasi may halaga at gusto kasi talaga natin mga bagay na yun.

I'll definitely get back to this, hopefully, in a way that I'm already done with just dwelling with the past and already celebrating what "attempts" of doing better has good results already. Yung masasabing may bunga na lahat, klaro na kung bakit nangyayari mga di inaasahan.

Cheers to our attempts for the past year of surviving. Let's kickstart with a fresh one—mindset ba!

[marin3llyells]

A little background, I had attempts on making use of journals, planners and even bought canvas to do paintings as a kickstart for 2023.

I put up a small note, journal prompts, quotes on random pages of that journal I had. It was definitely a beginner-friendly or as if it's for someone who's not yet really sure how to start writing and planning or simply starting over again like me —

This holiday, somehow I have impulsively bought journals/planner for the family and a sketchbook for my little sister; as I was only looking for a 300 worth for an exchange gift at work. It was the best gift I can think of. Yes, it's like my way of sharing a piece of me. I did the same way on their planner, some reminders such as "drink 8 glasses of water", "plan ahead" and even song reco and activities for them. I made sure as well that my little sister (hopefully) will have fun with this small gift I have for her— as it was also a way of introducing her to ✨️Art✨️. Gave her simple prompts on painting since I included painting material.

Honestly, the goal is to provide them, no, I meant us, a safe space for our thoughts. It was my way to encourage writing, believing that expressing ourselves is one step in achieving growth. It was calming.

I wonder how this would turn out at the end of the year.

Let's yell out our thoughts or maybe put it on a paper specially at times when the world may be loud or too quiet that we somehow feel alone.

Enjoy the holiday, appreciate what's in front of you. 🤍

[marin3llyells]

Today's highlight 💭 | 12•17•23

Started the day with preparing my mind that today's a day of taking an exam which was equal for me of conquering failure I had from a previous one. It wasn't the same examination I took, but it was the thought of trying to be more and achieving growth.

I was able to get up early for a simbang madaling araw, glad to hear about joy. As seen on the video, I was setting up my device and area for the said examination. I was honestly starting to feel overwhelmed, scared, everything in between. But there was no joy yet.

Of course I was also able to attend our regular Sunday worship, wherein the speaker was able to remind me that happiness is a choice.

Today, I was able to choose to try. I was able to conquer my fear on a possibility of failing, I was able to choose joy in midst of all the other emotions.

Other than those reminders I heard from people that helped me get through the day? It was the simple gesture of being remembered, accompanied, and being part of a quality time spent on a weekend. The way I was able to enjoy a snack and grab a drink from another local coffee shop, wherein the barista took time accommodating my customized drink — which intially, he kept asking if I really wanted to try it; it was an americano-lemon drink since the thought of it alone seems to be really different from the typical picks of the consumers and coffee lovers.

Truly, despite having those "down" moments, there are those things that will always try to keep us "up"—

I guess our grey, is what helps us to keep on trying. It helps to inspire us on seeing other colors on a bigger picture. Today's highlight was that trying isn't so bad, specially with the silent support from family and friends. Most importantly, is the aspect of letting ourselves be our medium in finding joy.

Thank you, self for yelling off the negative thoughts and letting people around you become those worthy sharing life with. Thank you for stepping out of the comfort zone; big one on conquering fears, and including a small one of trying out weird combinations on a drink— explore, kahit pa maging iba yung interest or opinions mo sa iba. You'll always get your affirmations on the side, kahit pa may mga bagay na ngayon mo lang naie-express. ♡

Keep on trying, keep on yelling out your thoughts.

[marin3llyells]

On this day, I was actually preparing for a tight schedule and that I was about to be drained after the whole day at work. However, everything didn't go the way I expected it to be.

I must say, it's still was a tiring day, yet not as exhausting the way I anticipated it.

Honestly, I wanted to be able to see the beauty of having unexpected things to happen in a way that it's still productive.

For the first time, in a long while, nagbaon ako ng lunch at naihatid ako ni dad sa work after the accident we've been on.

I'm just glad that somehow I feel like getting back to track of how I was expected to perform in a day-to-day basis. I even got back home as early as I could get after an hour of commute, to get myself a coffee for treat from my current fave local coffee shop, just the way I planned the day as a reward.

Acknowledging being tired, not only with the work aspect but life in general, was somehow the one step forward I tried to take once again. Even social media was a way to remind myself about something I started to forget prioritizing. And I find myself in need of sharing my thoughts.

At the end of the day where I find myself purging on alone-time through browsing social media; from one app to another, here goes finding a random tiktok video that reminded me of healing process. Same goes with what I have been providing as service, psychology-related, as behavioral therapist, that there are things that goes beyond our understanding of linearity.

I have been aware that growth is not linear, so as developement as the kids go through... so as our healing.

That tiktok video reminded me that we could go forward on that process, and at times, we have to step back few times. I honestly appreciate that it also indicated a reminder that we don't really need to be 100% healed to feel happiness, satisfaction, including love.

Surely, I have been aiming to fully heal for a long time now.

...and I recognize that I have been missing out that somehow, I still get what I deserve. However, along with this feeling is I do crave to love the way I used too. The way how much I long for being cared, being remembered, being though of— may it be from a specific song I used to sing when I'm happy, or may it be just a simple, random thing that I get to be associated with.

Still, I know I want to be healed enough that I will no longer cause damage as a damaged-good myself. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be someone to be remembered as someone causing the crowd to adjust their energy, how they interact with me, simply because I'm someone whose "too hard" to be with. I want to be someone who influences good and happy energy in a room.

But how can I? When at most times, I'm also the one who keeps on trying to keep up.

Sometimes, I do hope that I don't "feel", or "think" as much as I have been used too. I long for ease. I long for shutting off my mind.

How can I heal from things that kept on piling up? One thing to another.

To myself, and to whoever gets to read this, I sincerely apologize for my shortcomings. That I can't help being a human, myself.

Don't worry, I still try. I still hope.

AND THEIR GOES HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE HAVING THE COFFEE I NEEDED, NOPE, NOT AS GASTOS, AS IT REMINDS ME

— Padayon.

May we keep on yelling what we manifest and work on ways to improve. Life is exhausting, but imagine the end of the road having all the uneasiness paying it all off;

[marin3llyells]

04 11 22

I honestly can't remember the last time I tried to do groceries for myself or for my family. It wasn't usual errand for me, even now that I should be more responsible for some adult-things.

Simply put that I was someone who's afraid to approach fastfood counters to ask for utensils or a gravy refill as a young kid. I would even ask for a favor to a highschool classmate to buy me snacks at the canteen.

Lately, I need to admit that I've been struggling to move forward in life— too scared about the thought of having bigger responsibilities such as dealing with financial needs, career, and such.

Today was an opportunity; to see myself and show people I live with, that I'm long far from that kid I used to be. Given that I surpassed being shy to ask for something I need, since I'm more vocal for it (and even those things I kept for a long time personally; yep finally practiced better communication) or do things my way to fill-in those needs without asking for help.

Small things are actually gigantic, when you appreciate and view it as growth.

I may sound like "trying" — as they call it, romanticized.

Well yes, I'm actually trying. I guess I'll leave myself as a sample or proof that there are people around us that have different pace in life. I even told myself earlier:

"Baka late bloomer lang talaga ko?",

"Baka mabagal lang talaga galaw ko sa buhay, kasi ang dami kong iniisip kahit di ko naman dapat pangunahan".

and A LOT MORE!!! I'm honestly living like that one lyric saying, how can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22. :>

Anyways, I'm just happy that I was able to go out today and even share to my mom that I was able to discover a pet shop around the place which was where we usually buy fresh meat, which is now seemingly more convenient inline with doing errands.

I have so much realizations today, but overall please yell about the things you do as recognition of your growth, yell at that small voice stopping you to do or try new things, big or small, it will always count! <3

[marin3llyells]

How to answer that gasgas question: "Kumusta ka na?"

Few days before writing this, I got a chance to revisit recorded lecture from one of my favorite professors during my 3rd year as BS Psychology major in a state university.

The module tackles what the title itself calls for: Understanding feelings. Techniques and reminders were discussed on behalf of being a mental health facilitator inline with helping a client to understand and identify their feelings.

I can definitely say, that I was startled of what Doc mentioned during the discussion.

"Okay lang" kasi ang madalas nating sagot.

List of words were shown after he mentioned this by use of another slide or two. It really emphasized for me that we are left to say "Okay lang" when in reality, we just find it hard to describe how we actually feel. We are not aware of finding the words we could have used to answer those question or to just give ourselves a way to understand and react to different situations.

Answering a simple gasgas question can only be answered when we start to see and let ourselves feel what must be felt. May this be a reminder to whoever who'll get to read this.

Hit below to go for our first steps! :>

First, Make time. In order to recognize how we feel, we have to give time to sink-in the current events; May it be related to family, work, friends, anything. REALLY! This includes giving time to ourselves before reacting to our surroundings. Which save us that pagsisi sa huli.

How about read your dictionary, or visit Mr. Google? Yep, we can make use of sources. Talk about sources! This days we are so close to being limitless! We can even get to see and hear the stories of our favorite youtubers, friends, maski nga mga kaklase mo nung grade 1, pwede kang makacatch-up. In short, the answers you'll need is reachable, that #relateakojan social media post you usually share on facebook is actually a helpful material for you as well in order to understand your feelings.

TALK ABOUT IT. Basic is to share it to your friends or just someone you trust. Go for healthy conversations, two-way communication is an actual give and take. It'll help you hear yourself and the other angle of perception through others. However, it's not really mandatory to talk it out, because there's various ways to address it.

Go find you channel. Writting, singing, art. I remember way back during highschool, I did painting. I played with colors and unconsciouly, it was a way of my release of stress. Few years after, I realized it was like an art therapy. It was my channel to see my happy days was when I played with happy colors; real bright ones like sunrise palette! Nakakamiss, sa totoo lang.

Anyways, if you reached this far...

It might be fun to hear from you if this helps, or maybe hear from you with how you try to identify and recognize how you feel so that I could try it out too :>

Go yell for yourself, when it is for your voice and growth! <3

Stop yelling how messed up your day is without seeing the small things you might miss appreciating.