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[marathodox]

Echoes

[marathodox]

The thing no one told me about heartbreak.

It's a much quieter than I ever imagined.

I don't know, I've always pictured this great thing, of tears falling down your face as you in a heroic gesture use your last standing force to scream at the world how much you've burdened, how unfair it is to take something away from you, how much you can't take it anymore, you name it.

My heart has been broken for a while, whether it was for the Death of my lovely grandmother, to the loss of the one person I loved, to the dreadful feeling of feeling alone, far away from your country, and finally, some weeks ago, my heart truly broke.

It was quiet. Very, very quiet. Deafening, even. I remember sitting down in the in my little bed couch, unbothered to look up as my whole family went to take a plane flight to go to the funeral, but I unfortunately had to stay because I had work that week and couldn't cancel it. It felt like a minute before I had realized I'd been sitting still for four hours. In that time frame, I remember crying once, but briefly, for what was about 8 minutes before the tears stopped and I went back to lifelessly looking at the floor, my worried dog sat next to me and tried to understand it, but how could I ever explain to her enough was enough? That this was my final straw, I lost my grandma, how lonely I felt, and my sweetheart tore my heart out with her when she walked out a year ago. I wanted to get up, and do a dramatic entree as I crashed both of my knees, and screamed. But that didn't happen. I just sat there. For I don't know how long.

No one told me how quiet Heartbreak is, every time I picture it I can see a movie scene, a book chapter, an image, but I now just remember the time I sat down in the sofa, and looked down.

No one told me what enough was, when not given a limit I think I'll just keep absorbing all the pain the world has to give me, until I eventually need to sit down at the sofa again.

[marathodox]

I knew it would be like this,

The fake talks to the fake promises to even knowing that youre not here anymore

You never were

You never were here before

I couldve swore you were

In the dimmed memories my brain shows me,

When I huff into my lungs, or when my liver takes the blame

All to forget I love you

We kissed and our lips touched, and we looked at each other

For a second Id gone back to feeling again.....

70 hours.

Took us 70 more hours before you went back to pretending i didnt exist

I cant let go

The only safeplace ive had

I love you like the house ive never had

[marathodox]

I keep on looking for a sign that isnt there

And cry when there i dont find one

[marathodox]

I was very drunk when i wrote this

Like a dog, i still follow you

Looking for a place to belong to

I sit down, still

Obeying your next command

And when youre gone

I miss you, hoping to believe

Im more than just your dog,

But im always wrong

[marathodox]

Like a dog, i still follow you

Looking for a place to belong to

I sit down, still

Obeying your next command

And when youre gone

I miss you, hoping to believe

Im more than just your dog,

But im always wrong

[marathodox]

“Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in things we do for each other every day.”

— Nicholas Sparks

[marathodox]

“Don’t lose yourself just because you found someone else.”

— Unknown

[marathodox]

excerpts from my novel that make me feel something

[marathodox]

i don't want to remember how it felt

if i could have just let things remain the same

maybe i wouldn't be like this again

maybe i would've forgotten i was yours

[marathodox]

I really wished you hadnt come talk to me

My heart was poorly patched but at least it wasnt leaking

Now.

Water everywhere

Or blood

They look the same