mar--26 - Tumblr blog

[mar--26]

March 19,2020

I have blown up 75% of my account. I will take a brake from doing live and will start doing the demo.

I think I also need to read something to recover from this mental stress. I am now trying to live in a more positive life. So, i will start my day with the things I am grateful for.

1. I am grateful that I still have 25% left. I think I have to maximize with what I have left... so i need to learn as much as I can.

2. I am grateful that I didnt put too much of my savings in it.

3. I am thankful that I think I am not too much psychologically damaged.

From now on...

I will be more careful and not take anything lightly. And think of it as the business of others, not just myself.

[mar--26]

Trading lesson:

Know when it is the right time to enter. When you see it going up, it doesn't mean you wont plan your entry.

Also nake your exit reasonable. Today, you lost a quite amount of money after trying to butt in the bullish candle, and then suddenly turns the other way around, making you lose 30pips in just one second. Also, be mindful of the fundamentals as well. You know that corona virus is getting on the way.

When you got stuck and you think that it is still reasonbale to wait while considering the volatility of the currency. Today, you saw your profile got -30 pips in just seconds, you panicked and let go of it, only to find out that if you have just waited for 30 mins, you could have earned 50pips...

[mar--26]

March 11, 2019

I just realized today how money will completely turn a person's trust...

I mean... money... Lord, why are people so obsessed with money and material things...

Or am I just so stupid that I trust people when it comes to money?

[mar--26]

Trading lesson:

Do not panic buying something thinking that it will now break off. Wait for 1 candle

[mar--26]

Trading lesson:

Do not trade when sleepy.

[mar--26]

Trading lesson:

Do not let your loss run hoping that it would go bounce back. When you set your cutloss, stick to it, pull out to minimize the risk of getting left behind. Make your cutloss reasonable. So that you regret that I should have just waited for a bit for the bounce back.

[mar--26]

March 9, 2020 I felt that I just rebooted myself after what happened yesterday. I hated myself for being harsh to him. I prayed hard because I am turning into someone that I never wanted to be. I am becoming a monster as I tighten the my boyfriend's leash. I am still in the process of letting go of things I don't have any control of. I will also be including my control-freak journey in this blog could one day show to me how much I have improved. What made me think that I am a control freak? Well, I searched every corner of the internet to define what is a control freak... and I matched all the descriptions. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201705/7-signs-control-freak https://www.forbes.com/sites/aileron/2011/09/13/the-pros-and-cons-of-being-a-control-freak/#e773fc84ca93 I am not a psychologist, I am just trying to understand myself. One thing that I could think of why I turned out like this is my mom. Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming her or anything. I am thankful for what she did because it helped me to become who I am now. She used to control us since when we were kids. Just like all parents, we also had the do's and don'ts. If we failed to follow it, she would really be out of control. But not the really abusive parent type. She knew the limit. She was just so strict when we're lazying around, and not focusing on our studies (typical parent). She was a perfectionist, and I was a kid. I didn't have any idea why she was doing that. But since parents are the children's model, I unconsciously adapted her approach. (I think this is how it goes) In our head we try to build a plan that we consider perfect, like our own utopia of how things should be, if things didn't go according to that plan, our anger and frustration will take over, and we think that we have to be in control through the use anger and harsh words. I think this is really a dangerous type of thinking because as we try to control the situation, we lose control in ourselves. Meaning, we can do anything just to take control of the situation. Thus, escalating things beyond imagination. I think at some point we need to learn to accept the fact that there are things that we don't have any control of, like other people's action and belief. I DON'T HAVE CONTROL TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN MYSELF, MY EMOTIONS, MY BELIEFS, MY THINKING. I don't have any control to my boyfriend to interact with his childhood friend as long as there is no boundary that is being stepped on. I only have control in myself to stop being insecure. Make yourself look good so that he won't be interested to look at somebody else. Taking care of yourself is what you can control. I don't have control on who he has been interacting with. As long as he knows the limit, then let him be.  

I don't have control on other people to like me. I don't have to make myself likeable by everybody because that is completely impossible, but I have control to accept the fact that I cant please everybody. So, stop investing your time and emotion on it. I have to be realistic with my expectations, and be more vulnerable to people. I think there is nothing bad about being a control freak as long as I try keep it within reason. According to: cbsnews.com/news/why-being-a-control-freak-isnt-so-bad/ 1. Control freaks control their thoughts. This means they know what they want and can focus on their goals without distracting what-ifs and how-abouts. -> still do think of the what-ifs, but I could easily withraw myself from it and believe in myself. 2. Control freaks actually execute: no dreamy planning and little follow through for them. -> I am harsh to myself. If I need that, I will do what it takes to get that. 3. Control freaks don't wait for things to happen to them (can't control luck and coincidence). Instead, they take positive action to get the things they want. -> I still do believe in luck, but I don't solely rely on it. I believe that luck won't work without any action. 4. Focus, focus, focus. ->I have short attention span, but I try to put more pressure to my should to lengthen it. 5. Stability during change: team members can be sure that control freaks have their eye on the ball (or all the balls in the air) and this can make it easier for everyone to get through periods of change with a minimum of stress. ->yeah... I don't mind any changes as long as I know what I want. I have lots of flaws. And I think this is the good time to slowly change myself and be the best that I could be.

[mar--26]

He also asked me after the bbq about what if he got me pregnant while living together... I could feel i blushed a bit... He said he wants to have a kid after 3 years.  I know that would really be wonderful but I just suddenly remembered about my plans in life. I dont think I am ready for that. I like him, but I hope at least one of us already has a stable career and good amount of savings when that time comes. I want to give everything to my future kid. A nice house to live in, comfortable clothes, big emergency fund, god environment... i wanted to give those things that I wasn't able to get.

[mar--26]

March 7-8, 2020

Glamping day.

Since we have agreed that I will go to his house at 1pm, I decided to stay in bed a bit longer. I got a call from him at around 10am, and he said he wanted me to come earlier, like 11:30~12:00... I was like, oh my God, I haven't done packing yet, I still need to clean the room, eat my once-in-a-week-breakfast, and so on, and so forth... Anyway, I arrived late. I arrived at 12:40... and they were still preparing. I played with

Saechan while they were still preparing. I was actually confused if I should leave Saechan and help them make onigiri, or should I just watch her. In my house, we are so protective towards children. We don’t leave them anywhere without anyone watching as they might swallow something, and or hit themselves. We also don’t allow them to swallow just anything. In Japan, it is normal to leave their kids on the floor, crawling, reaching for potentially harmful stuff (like small toys), they also don’t sterilize anything at all... I am actually a bit worried about the bacteria on the things she swallow, but yeah, she's not my kid. It is none of my business.

Then Oyuri visited the house. She took care of Saechan while I decided to help Bottan to prepare chahan. She wanted to be the one to make it, but I insisted that me and my boyfriend will be fine. After eating, Bottan decided to do his work assignment, when she sat beside him, still bugging him about her unretrievable Gmail account. We had a fight about it last week, so he made an eye contact with me, and I made sure my facial expression would answer that eye contact, so he just said, "ちょっと待ってね" while he was looking for Saechan's favorite song. And then she brought up their high school photos, without inviting me to look on it... I don’t really know if I was just being too sensitive, or she really mean to do that in front of my face... but to be honest, I didn’t feel good about it. I mean, first, why do you have to always ask Bottan to have him fix your Gmail for you... Can't you google it by yourself... I could have understand it if Bottan works at Google, or he really has a high computer literacy, but sorry to say this, no... So I would appreciate it if he would leave him alone. And the problem was Bottan knows he doesn’t really know how to do it... So why do it? Specially you already know that I am not in good terms with her. About the old photos, I would really appreciate if she would also invite me to see it, cause duh, it involves the people I know as well. And there's only 3 of us in the room... so why make the other person out of place? Why do they do that? Is it a Japanese thing? Why? Are they fucking scared to talk or involve a foreigner. Because you know, you won't like it if you would be in my shoes. It makes me really sad. I didn’t want to say "え～見せて～”, because I feel like why would I say that if I was not being invited... (This is probably my problem... I have my walls.)

Then we were on our way, when I saw that the wallpaper on her phone is the exactly the same as Bottan's wallpaper, Saechan's photo. I mean, ok, I am completely fine about putting Saechan as their wallpaper, but couldn't they choose different photos? When I saw that I could really feel my blood rushing through the top of my head. I know I was about to explode. I chatted Bottan, who was seating in front seat to fucking change his wallpaper because it was really too much for me... I really couldn't handle it anymore. I think it was impossible for him not to know anything about it because he tried helping her on her Gmail account. I saw him unlocking her phone last week as Oyuri dictated her password... fuck... Ok, I do get that they are childhood friends, but they are not connected thru blood to cling too much around him especially when I am around... the girlfriend might misunderstand it... so be considerate. Because if I would be her, I would try to check the atmosphere with the girlfriend first before doing anything that might seem as overstepping any boundaries.

So we continued on with the trip with my heavy heart. It was really difficult because I needed to act like everything was ok in front of them, but I was really angry inside.

When we arrived to the place, and we have decided to take a bath in onsen first. It was my first time being in onsen with them. I was so shy, so I have decided to wash myself a bit far from them... then I went in the onsen with Saechan, his sister, and Oyuri. Oyuri and I decided to try the onsen outdoor. There were only 2 of us. She asked me about my relationship with Bottan. I tried to act as normal as possible but I think there was a bit tension in the atmosphere (or my sensitivity is switched on again), so we decided to go back in after few minutes... I think she was aware that I had an issue about her... His sister most likely talked about that to her. Well, if she really was aware about it, while she kept on doing it in front of me... then that means she is being rude.

I took charge. I cling when I see her clinging to him, I was just always around when she tries to approach him. So the whole bbq night, I guarded my territory. Bottan slept immediately, and we talked in the living area.

Talked about how we do Christmas presents... They mentioned to me that Oyuri and Bottan were quite the same when it comes to being rude to their moms...

I felt that Oyuri was not so comfortable talking about those stuff in front of me, so she decided to go to bed (probably she was just really tired). I shared the bed with Bottan.

Anyway, I realized, why do I have to be on guard when Bottan should be the one doing something about it... I heard him saying be careful around the mud. Well, he also said the same thing to me, but doesn’t every girlfriend want to feel special?

Then we ate at Ohsho... We ordered my favorite yakisoba. I was disappointed that he gave the first serving to Oyuri... Her sister was also surprised...

she was like give the serving first to Mari! And Oyuri just apologized... I mean, Bottan was also the one triggering things.

No matter how much we talk about it, he can always come up with a reason...

He will say 'I also do it to you'... that's not the point... I didn’t need the word 'also' I needed the word 'only'... No matter how many times we talk, he still doesn’t get any of it...

Anyway, next is we went to Sanda to see the furniture in his sister's house... they were quite big... I don’t think it will fit our small apartment...

We arrived home, his mom persuaded me to take a bath in their house so that I could try their 50k blower... lol... It really made my hair soft... but I don’t think I would spend 50k for a blower... Anyway, while I was changing, I could hear Oyuri's voice and my boyfriend's voice laughing... She's here again... After I got out of the bath I talked with Bottan as calmly as I could, and he said "what can I do, she asked what I was doing, and my mom was also there..." I snapped off... I did his work assignment, so I just wanted to delete everything as a form of revenge... but he got angry... I said let's just break up... It was really hard to talk about it in front of his family... even though we were talking in English... so I tried to keep my composure. He was about to go to bath when he said "Should I confess what we are having right now to them?" Then my sister asked me what was he talking about... I just made up a story. While he was in bath I kept myself preoccupied while talking about fx to his family. When he got out of the bath, he told his sister to call his mom because he needed to say something. I stopped him desperately... How dare him to do that...

I am so disappointed... really...

We talked about it on our way home... but I don’t think he understood my feelings...

We were already talking about it for years... this is too much that I am about to give up... I actually wanna cry as I write this... I don’t want to feel this anymore... I think I should start thinking about living by myself in my whole life... and just nurture my career... and hope that I would get money to get artificially-created child to accompany me...

[mar--26]

-----Original Message-----

From: Maricar San Pedro <maricar@seino.co.jp>

Sent: Monday, March 9, 2020 8:26 AM

To: マリカさん <maricar@seino.co.jp>

Subject:

March　6, 2020

Friyay!

Just prepared the remaining documents for the meeting. And then just pronted it. Viola! Done!

As usual, I did my trading practice again. I am on on my second book, and it teaches about technical analysis. Terminologies that I have never heard of, what do they project, how could it help you enter in somewhat safe price. It was cool.

I used to use apply those kind of tools before in my stocks account, but I have never really known how to interpret it.

Then, I left work very early because I need to drop by the municipal hall to renew my 住民票. I got it sooner than I have expected as there were only few people in the line. Since I finished early, I dropped by namba to check some new clothes. I bought a fit tops and down jacket in pink color from uniqlo.

It was quite pricey for me, but I am sure I would be able to use them in the future and for the upcoming spring season.

I went home, watched Get Smart in Netflix... while munching calorie-filled fries with cheese dip, and edamame.

Then Bottan called to give me the plan for tomorrow's glamping. He said it's better if I would come at 1pm.

[mar--26]

Trading lesson:

DO NOT GO AGAINST THE TREND. You and the market are allies as long as you follow it. If it's about to go down, dont try to catch the bottom. 

[mar--26]

March 4, 2020

I have got nothing to do at work. I have finished the supplementary meeting documents... done with the program flow and the seating arrangement... gonna finish the union part tomorrow as I would have nothing left to do if I would do everything today.

So, to maximize my time, I read a book about the basics of forex trading. I lost too much money in the game because I left my trade open overnight.

Later on, I learned from the book that it greatly exposes you to risks. Great lesson. I also learned basic technical analysis. I was secretly playing while reading the book, so input-output. So far, I think the advice in the book really works. But take note it wont work all the time. I have experienced that indicators somewhat failed, or I just probably read it wrong. Anyhow, I will proceed to read the next book tomorrow. I was so bored that I was able to finish a book in a day. HAHAHA Well, it's totally my advantage! I really should thank my department/company for this.

Also, I have decided to keep my trading journal here. It is too personal, so I will post it on private. I am just torn how much of my savings should I invest. I need to consider my emergency fund, and the amount we will spend for moving out. Gosh, I have so many things in my mind. Moving out. Forex.

Possibilities of getting transferred. GMAT. Daily schedule. Selling the bed and fridge. I will get them one by one. Just relax, self.

Anyway, since I have nothing to do at work other than waiting for one email, I decided to leave the office before 6 and leave the task to my sempai. Since she likes taking my tasks away, then, there you go Miss. I don’t care now. Anyway, I left the office, went to Umeda to check on GU and Uniqlo for my outfit this weekend. Dress to impress! And since oyuri is coming, I wont lose. I have heard that she wants to buy nice and new sleeping wear, and then she suddenly explained 'who am I trying to impress?! 誰に着るねん！” So, I was like, uhm, I don’t know girl, is that your signal to me and my boyfriend? If I were you, I would just keep my profile low. Nah, not me. I bet you wont love to mess up with the wrong bitch. Anyway, I got good ones but I am worried that the weather will mess it up.

It's still a bit cold, and the glamping site is a little bit on the mountain side, so... I think I need a backup plan...

I wasn’t able to prepare for my GMAT today. I got back at around 9. I still have an ample time, but I chose to relax for the rest of the night.

Bottan got home late, so we weren’t able to talk so much on the phone. And he was literally begging not to bully/tease him, and just let him rest for the rest of the night. So... ok.

[mar--26]

“What triggers you; controls you. Have peace; and you control it.”

— Lalah Delia

[mar--26]

“A positive mindset gives you a glow from within. Your aura radiates. Your energy becomes magnetic.”

— Unknown

[mar--26]

Decisionssss... 

I have really decided to take GMAT this year. I am really hoping to go to any TOP 20 business schools. 

My GMAT goal is 730. I haven't started my preparation. 

Why I have decided to pursue grad school? 

Well, when I was in 4th year college, I dreamt of being in big shosha here in Japan because these companies are unique in this country. I failed to land on one because I got lazy applying for it and I already have an offer on the table from the company I am working for now. I took the offer but I still have plans on changing job when I get here. As I dig further on what kind of job they are doing, I just lost interest in it because you stick on trading. 

I started to be interested in consulting when I met someone who is working in Accenture. So I researched what is consulting, what do they do... and boom... I became so interested in it because they dont stick in just one industry! Which is PERFECT for my personality. But as I send my resume... as expected, no consulting company wants me. Probably it is because they just see me as a japanese speaking Filipino who will just eventually disappear from the company after few years, and on top of that, I dont know anything about business... Just so sad that your motivation and willingness to learn will never be enough for your dream industry. So, there you go... I have decided to take a chance to get into one of the top business schools in the world. I must admit, I dont have enough experience, but my motivation and perseverance will push me to step on the game. I can do this! I have a dream! And I will never give this up!

[mar--26]

Note to self. 

I should care less whether I feel like I am discriminated or not. I should just keep being professional at all times.

[mar--26]

I’m not scared of being alone, but I know how it feels to be with someone that laughs at all the same things you do...and I miss that.

-Poetry At Most