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Nola Knows Best -- Finale

I've polled the herd for their favorite parts of the week and here's what they had to say: Tucker: "Drinking hurricanes and smoking a cigar at 5 o'clock " Dylan: "First time I won at Black Jack because that was the only time I won anything" Kyle: "Whole squad getting lit at Huge Ass Beers" Lindsay: "My damn crepe...Definitely getting drunk on bourbon with hurricanes and them beignets " Bevo: "Blacking in at the craps table" Tianara: "the day I got lit on a Willies tube and the ass beer and then went to cafe beignet" Kristen: "Food...taking an ass load of shots with Carlie, determined to get drunk at some point in the night. Dollan, 'I blew a 235 what's the legal limit'" Kelsey: "Willies Chicken Shack with five different sauces" Carlie: "Bevo's cot for sure and all the homeless peoples pups" Brian: "Pelicans game" Peter: "The turkey leg" Me: "Listening to '5 O'Clock Somewhere' at 5 o'clock in Patty O's with my Patty O's hat on while drinking a hurricane that was tall & strong" The Big Easy was anything but easy on our bodies and wallets. From learning to play craps to hearing about each other's craps, I think we all had a damn good week. I'm happy for the times that were had and wouldn't have wanted to do it with anybody else. God is good. One Love

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Only fitting that NOLA ends with me shitting my brains out in the lobby bathroom

Bevo

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Nola Knows Best -- Days 5 & 6

Recap of Wednesday, March 22nd & Thursday, March 23rd.

I should’ve gone to Tulane. The place is nucking futs. Wednesday night we came in HOT to a bar called The Boot, recommended by a guy Tuck knows. Remember, open containers are allowed in the streets of Nola. First thing we see when we pull up is about 300 people outside the bar drinking. Not just drinks from the bar, but carrying around their own cases and handles of liquor. We walk through this mob of students, most underage and some probably in high school, to the door. Greeted by a bouncer who hit puberty last week, we had no idea what to expect inside. Not to our surprise, it was full of more underage kids all grinding on each other and sucking face. We were old enough to be the parents of some of these kids. We did our best to mingle, but most kids ran away when we tried talking to them as they probably thought we were narcs. The bar had an incredibly large bucket of some drink, and after Bevo asking, "What's in the bucket," he proceeded to order four of them throughout the night - a move that would result in his demise the following day. After a dance party of our own and Bevo asking a rando if she had a dorm Tuck could shit in, we moved to a bar down the street. Dylan got denied for being too drunk, so we left. Did I mention it was midterm week and this was a Wednesday night?

Before the fuckery that was Tulane, we dabbled back into Barcadia for a pretty epic pregame. Dylan was cut off by the bartender, and then proceeded to blow a 0.235 in a breathalyzer machine at the bar. Peter also came out of here with two of the top quotes of the week. An innocent couple was playing skeeball beside each other when Peter goes up to them and yells, "Loser buys shots?!" A few minutes later Peter tried to beat Kelsey in the basketball arcade game. After miserably failing on attempt #1, he beat her on attempt #2 and exclaimed victoriously, "Fuck my girlfriend!" The number one quote of the week, however, is awarded to Dylan, who on the way to Tulane asked our Uber driver where the University of New Orleans was. The Uber driver answered saying it was deeper in the city, to which Dylan responded, "They're probably a bunch of faggots, huh?!"

We finally hit Cafe du Monde for some postgame beignets. Also, Dylan was the designated front seat rider for our Uber’s and you haven’t lived until you’ve seen him drunkenly make small talk with an Uber driver.

We also hit a 2-hour bus tour on Wednesday, with a tour guide who had more swag than Michael Jackson in his prime. It was essentially two hours of listening to this old man talk to himself and I loved every minute of it. Had to make a return trip to Patty O’s on Wednesday as well, and I wouldn’t be lying if I said it’s one of my favorite places on earth.

Thursday was terribly uneventful. As a result of his four bucket drinks, Bevo threw up at least five times and only left the hotel once for food. Brian threw up in an IHOP bathroom. Everyone was totally drained. However, if I had one recommendation for food in Nola it would be Mother’s. Absolutely incredible. We spent some time in the Musical Legends Park listening to a jazz band during the day, and went to America’s #1 sports bar, Walk On’s, for dinner. Everyone crashed wicked early to prep for the 9 hour drive the next day. Totally content with that decision.

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Nola Knows Best -- Day 4

Recap of Tuesday, March 21st. "I love this fucking city," exclaimed Bevo as he emerged from the bathroom after hacking at 5:30 AM. What a start to the day. Just the boost we needed to have a rip roaring Tuesday. Morale was incredibly low all day with the exception of five minutes that will be explained later in the post. Our day kicked off with a below average hotel breakfast and tequila shots to accompany. Three hours of everyone showering led to what you think would be an epic pregame, but with the morale where it was I don't think anybody had more than two drinks before leaving the hotel. Lunch at House of Blues with an odd but friendly waiter was promising, everyone enjoying their food and the surrounding company. Following lunch we walked down the strip to Frenchmen Street with a plethora of pit stops. One of our first stops was quick at an Irish pub called Ryan's. Had to do it. Car bombs and we were out. Lindsay took a dookie in the Visitor's Center and things were looking up. Then came Willie's Chicken Shack. Everything was just dandy until Kyle and I had some more than sudden bowel movements. Fortunately enough, both bathrooms were out of toilet paper. The reason we know the girl's room was out of TP is because Kyle couldn't wait for me to finish so he went in there with Lindsay standing guard. Kyle had to waddle, pants around his ankles, from one stall to the next in the girl's room to get some TP for his bleeding asshole. Before I forget, these were the hottest bathrooms of all time. We came out DRENCHED in sweat. My stall was also dry in the TP department, leading to Tucker bringing me a huge wad for my also bleeding b-hole. A surefire sign we needed to leave, so we moved on to bigger and better things. A stop at the extremely dirty Mississippi River produced some solid pics, and then we saw the Nola version of Magic Kingdom. We walked through the French Market where Lindsay finally got her damn crepe, Peter and Kelsey bought spices, and we saw a homeless woman dig food out of the trash to feed herself and her dog. Post-market we walked to a jazz bar to listen to an authentic Nawleans band, while being barked at by some homeless people along the way. The Pelicans game was terribly uneventful, resulting in our leaving at halftime. Back to the hotel for the casino pregame, and believe me when I say this was the only time morale was high all day. So high that when we got to the street to cross over to the casino, we all sprinted to the front steps. All smiles, this was OUR NIGHT. Or maybe not. Everyone got absolutely railed. Talk about our tails between our legs on the way out. Our tails were curled so hard I think they could have wrapped around our bodies once and raped our ass harder than the casino already had. The hotel room was a tragic scene - distraught and full of regret. Today we have no plan other than going to bars at Tulane. Morale is picking up as we speak. Bright eyed and bushy-tailed, I think today is going to be a shit show.

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Nola Knows Best -- Day 3

Recap of Monday, March 20th. I should be $200 richer right now. Last night at the casino (our third trip of the day) I was blessed to meet a generous man who may have been slightly intoxicated at the craps table. He noticed I was being a bit conservative, so he insisted that I play with $50 of his money. He was a seasoned vet parting his wisdom to me, a young buck. An hour later I was up $200 when everyone else wanted to leave, and I stupidly gave the man all the money back as thanks for letting me play with some of his money. Hopefully karma's nice to me. I think it's fair to say that we collectively got bourbon faced on shit street. Started off hot with some frozen drinks and hurricanes from the one and only Pat O'Brien's. Still a 10/10 recommend on the hurricanes. Cafe Du Monde had a line out the door, so we left quickly to continue our drinking with some hand grenades and huge ass beers. I'd put all my money on the fact that we were the most inebriated squad on Bourbon Street. We had some killer beignets, ironically enough, at the first place I ever had a beignet. A quick pit stop at McDonald's to drop some urine, a cigar shop for a road stoag, and back to the hotel we went. I'm not entirely sure the details of the next couple hours as we hit a hard brown out. I do recall eating the free dinner at the hotel, which consisted of meatball sliders and salad. "This is the best meal I've ever had in my life," as proclaimed by Bevo. It was definitely not the best meal he's ever had. When ordering a beer at the hotel, the bartender told Dylan, "The sodas are over there." I'm unfortunately not going to be able to give individual casino results as not many people remember - especially Bevo. I can spout a few details though. I do know that I put $100 on red on the roulette table and albeit, black sure enough. Easy come easy go. Dylan also won $75 in our morning trip to the casino. After losing $20 in our night trip, he bought a $5 Bud Light because no service would come to him. Pained by his $25 loss on the night, he proceeded to lose $115 more to the harlot on the virtual blackjack table in hopes of getting a free beer. Again leaving the casino with his tail between his legs, Dylan had a one-beer post game by himself in the hotel. Classic. Tianara, Kristen, Tucker, Bevo, Dylan, Brian, Carlie and I all went to Barcadia where we played the most impressive Jenga game I've ever witnessed (aided by Bevo and Tianara's being Civil Engineers). Bevo also opened up a can of whoop-ass on Tucker in air hockey, and I set a new record on the punching bag. Kyle was also the first person to throw up on the trip - congrats buddy. Bevo followed suit with yacks at 5:30 and 8:30 AM this morning - kudos. Despite Kyle's sickness and my own drowsiness, we regretfully got persuaded to attend the third trip of the day to the casino which resulted in my aforementioned misfortune with my craps friend. Today we plan on sucking crawfish and seeking out Nola's best gumbo. Pelicans game tonight. Tequila shots have already been taken and beers have been cracked. Wish us luck.

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Nola Knows Best -- Day 2

Recap of Sunday, March 19th.

Well, I’m gonna go in reverse chronological order for this one seeing as the most eventful part of the day was without a doubt our casino trip.

In typical fashion, the first twenty minutes were spent aimlessly wandering around the casino trying to figure out what to play. After a couple or five laps around the place, Kyle and Bevo landed on the craps table while the rest of the squad observed, too nervous to join the action themselves.

I tell y'all what, Kyle has a God-given talent on a craps table. And by that I mean he lost $45 on the night. As for Bevo, he ended up coming out even. Some would call this “fun for none.”

Meanwhile in Black Jack world, Brian demonstrated his gambling prowess over the rest of the squad. Peter, Dylan, Brian and myself jumped on the Black Jack table with a $20 minimum. If I remember correctly, Dylan was out after three hands. Couldn’t tell you Peter’s result. Brian and I, both up $40 after the same three hands as Dylan, were faced with an incredibly difficult decision - do we walk away or go for gold??? Brian, with the discipline of a well-bred German shepherd, confidently walked away allowing him to come out with a $40 short-term gain on the night (remember to report that on your taxes Brian). I, oppositely, knew it was my night. I daringly stayed on the table. Five hands later I was down $25, walking away disheartened.

But wait, we found a new game. A surefire money maker. A diamond in the rough. Virtual blackjack. Led by a recording of semi-attractive female dealers showing a bit too much cleavage, we were confident this was our game. Tucker, Kyle, Bevo, Dylan and I spent roughly 30 minutes watching our funds fluctuate up and down - all of us at one point in the green. But, as fate would have it, we all lost our money. Except Bevo, that is. With one round to go before our glorious exit, Bevo throws in a $25 bet - confident to make some money for New Orleans’ best gumbo tomorrow. Then, in a diabolical plot twist, the harlot on the screen showing too much cleavage stole Bevo’s money. Our only chance of victory (other than Brian) dissipated in front of our very eyes. We proceeded to the exit with our tails between our legs. Nonetheless, we were confident that tomorrow was a new day and we’d make back double our losses, if not more.

On a side note, this casino is apparently not the place to drink. The girls were asked by the bartender if THEY had a bottle opener. Sure, let me just whip out my handy-dandy Swiss Army multitool so you can open my bottle for me. What kind of nonsense…

As for the rest of the day, we left Columbia at 7:30 for our 10 hour drive, stopped in Tuscaloosa to take an obligatory picture holding a National Championship flag in front of Bryant-Denny, and ate at a restaurant beside the casino.

Stay tuned - today is our first day on Bourbon and we will be making a drunk trip to the casino. This can only end well.

Casino Results per Individual

Ryan - ($34) Tucker - ($20) Bevo - ($20) Kyle - ($45) Dylan - ($40) Peter - ($30) Brian - $40 Tianara - ($1.13) Kristen - ($0.84) Kelsey - $0 Carlie - ($3) Lindsay - ($0.01)

*Disclosure* Lindsay’s penny was lost from dropping it on the floor and not being able to find it. Carlie lost her $3 from a loan to Brian that has yet to be repaid, despite his winnings.

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Nola Knows Best -- Day 1

Recap of Saturday, March 18th. The day was spent celebrating St. Pat's in Columbia, SC. It was an absolute drunkfest with 40,000 of our not-so-close friends. 6:45 AM rolls around, and we're woken up by our host, Tommy. Fortunately we were able to turn his 5:30 and 6 AM alarms off the night before while he was in a drunken stupor. All the guys were rip roaring and ready to get after it when 7 AM rolled around. The girls, however, not so much. Three Ubers were called at 10 AM to go to the "lit pregame," which ended up being anything but lit. We were fortuitous in that we convinced Tommy not to get there at 8, or it would've been even more of a lonely fest. Kyle, Lindsay Dylan and I had an awesome Uber that dropped us off about a mile away from where we needed to be - leading to our walking 15 minutes in rain which was less than ideal. Despite the lack of hype at the pregame, we managed to get off to a hot start in the inebriation department before going to eat at -yes, you guessed it - Chick-fil-a. Our ensuing move resulted in fishbowls at Horseshoe - a seemingly promising move at the time. Split 2 ways per bowl, this put us right where we needed to be to begin a pattern of forgetfulness - or maybe that was just me. Peter made a strong recovery after puking all night to make it out at this stop on the tour. Also, sorry for releasing this info Kristen, but Tianara told me you pulled the trig mid-fishbowl. Next move - the home of my infamous ghost puke - Saloon. In one of the most heroic moves of the day, Tianara stole two cat-in-the-hat-like green hats for her and me which led to a great pic as seen below. Tommy bought a round of Irish car bombs for a group of nobodies and I spilt half of it on my Nova hat. Our friend, Chris Wolfe, also poured himself a shot at the bar without paying, resulting into a firm request from the bouncer to exit the bar. Breakers Live - what an iconic 5 Points bar. Whole squad seemed to be litty in this one. I remember about half of this one - but I do know our yet-to-be-developed characters made an appearance at this loc. What a blessing. We also received a minimum of 20 free beers here thanks to Brian's connects. I wish I could tell you much about the next two hours, but it would all be fabricated. What I do know, however, is that Bevo and I wandered around Columbia for no less than an hour. Thirty minutes of this time was spent sitting on the side of a street in the grass shooting the shit. We also miserably failed at an attempt to enter a dining hall on campus. Or maybe it was a dorm? I can't remember. Two Ubers canceled on us because they couldn't find us, but third time was a charm and we made it back to Tommy's alive. After a group nap and four of us squadding in Tommy's bed for a couple hours, we all woke to Tommy passed out on a ~clean~ wooden floor in his living room. After a QT to Five Guys, we returned to be in bed by 10. 6:30 wake up call on Sunday. Oh, except Dylan and Tucker. Dylan returned after midnight and Tuck went home with a girl (imagine that). See you tomorrow for an uneventful update of our drive to Nola and a (hopefully) eventful recap of our first night in the casino.

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Nola Knows Best - Characters

This begins a week of posts summarizing our spring break. I’ll start with a brief synopsis of each character for the week.

Bevo - From Cincinnati and will let you know it. A Grade A rambler of sorts. Top 2 candidates to gets lost at some point this week.

Peter - A docile creature whose drunkenness will sneak up on you if you don’t pay particularly close attention to his speech over the course of the day. Kelsey’s BF.

Tucker - One of the two most aggressive drinkers we have with us. Will undoubtedly be the only reason any girls other than the ones with us approach our group.

Kyle - Most likely will get us into some sort of trouble by running his mouth. Will be hyping up the true tournament teams all week. Lindsay’s BF.

Dylan - The other Top 2 candidate to get lost this week. Each person on the trip will probably have an uncomfortably close interaction with him at some point.

Tianara - Probably the most down to clown human of all of us. Adamant that we suck some crawfish and get rich at the casino before leaving Louisiana.

Kristen - Very concerned about her wellbeing when she gets hangry. Can surprise you with her drinking ability, and like Tianara, always seems to be down for whatever.

Kelsey - Never seems to know Peter’s whereabouts (which he seems to not know either at times). Genuinely going to be concerned about her pet fish throughout the trip. Peter's GF.

Lindsay - A little worried if she’ll be able to go this week without eating Chick-fil-a. Most likely will get an attitude about being hungry before the end of Monday. Kyle’s GF.

Brian and Carlie are two other characters that will be developed upon arrival to Nola, as we’d have minimal contact with them thus far.

Stay tuned.

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Routes like OBJ

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Aint Pattys Day

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