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All Dressed Up: Artist Photographs His Huskies Amidst Beautiful Flowers

After a long day at work when you come home and get greeted by your pet, all happy and excited just to see you, that moment just melts your heart, your furry friend wiping off any trace of tiredness that you might have had.

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Relax

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Middle

Calm Serenity Contentment Understanding Peace Love Words Feelings Meaning Hurt Pain Heat Pounding Waiting for Cold Calm Serenity Contentment Understanding Peace Love Catharsis Far ways off

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Fulfillment Accomplishment An ending A beginning Freedom

Flash Hot churn Seething, oily yellow Burn in your stomach Tightness Spewing anger Release Heaviness Resentment Buried remorse

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I'm lying to myself again. I don't play what if's with the past. I play what if's with the future. I think I get it now. I should stop fucking doing that.

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It's hard to confront yourself. I thought this whole time that I was confronting myself fully. That I was aware of my reliance on this dream of a stupid ideal happiness that was so easy and so comforting yet based on a reality that I couldn't control. A reality that contradicts the dream to the ultimate extent. Yet I pled ignorance and continued this reliance. This daydream. A daydream that became one of the pillars for my self esteem. A source of my confidence. But there was already a crack there. From the beginning, the pillars were made of half formed realities. My imagination filled in the blanks. I get it now. This desire he keeps on writing about. He must have felt this before. How else could you write about it? Fuck, even reading this guy. Even thinking of this guy. Am I still there? Am I still clutching this fake sense of happiness to me now? Can I completely separate him from myself? I don't think I can. But can I live more healthily? Can I stop feeling a certain way? Stop feeling so devastated? So sick of myself? So fucking tired of feeling a sense of obligation? So willing to feel hope even when it's already dead? It already died. Why can't I love myself? Is it because of all the mistakes I've made? I've made so many. I've made so many. Yet I've tried to not imagine the what if's. Time only moves forward. We can only change the future not the past. But it's not only acceptance we must have. We must also be willing to make the changes we want to see in ourselves and in our circumstances. Life doesn't simply hand you everything unless you're lucky. That sounds like an awful plot for a novel where the character does absolutely nothing and all the descriptions are about events around her. I hate those types. I prefer when the character takes action. Shows gumption. Shows strength and a willingness to overcome. To move forward. Shouldn't I do that then? Why am I so lazy. I know what I need to do. Or at least I know that I need to put in more effort. Be more willing to get potentially hurt. Why don't I do that? I need to that. I need to do this. I need to do this. I need to do this. I need to take a long, hard look at myself and what I want and fucking do something about it.

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I feel so suffocated. What the fuck am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? I think I'm the worst sometimes. But I really shouldn't think that. I want to pour it out so that it's not inside me. Can I fill me with something else? That would be great. Something else. Something better and fulfilling. Something that doesn't hurt so fucking much. I'm being so fucking dramatic. Fuck me. I don't want a replacement. I want something better. I didn't have the best. I *know* that. I *believe* that. I *understand* that. But sometimes for a few seconds I don't *feel* that. I don't *trust* that. And that's what kills me.

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Why can't I just get over him. I just want to stop feeling these moments of hope only to be crushed every time. What am I expecting? I hate this, but I crave the traces of joy and wildness. I feel so meaningless and small and stupid and boring and ugly. Is my life so bland in comparison? What do I need to do? What do I do now?

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Have you ever met someone and felt... I don't know how to describe it, felt a chance at having something that eluded you? I don't know... Forget I said anything." I knew what he meant. He was describing that moment when you realize that you are lonely. For a time you can be alone and doing fine and never give a thought to living any other way and then you meet someone and suddenly you become lonely.

Kate Daniels in Ilona Andrews’ Magic Bites