malcifer85

[malcifer85]

I’m so glad I found a freak like me ☠️🥀

Credit: gusfink

[malcifer85]

[malcifer85]

[malcifer85]

It’s me and you until the very end 🥀🖤

Credit: darkgothicaiart

[malcifer85]

[malcifer85]

[malcifer85]

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In witchcraft, sigils are symbols or designs often created with a specific intention or purpose.

Practitioners may design them to represent their desires, goals, or magical intentions.

The process of creating a sigil usually involves condensing a written statement of intent into a unique symbol, which is then charged with energy to manifest the desired outcome.

Sigil magic is a common practice in various magical traditions.

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[malcifer85]

[malcifer85]

So I have nobody to talk to about this in my life currently but I'm having, not exactly a crisis of faith but of belief I suppose. I grew up ostensibly as Christian, a rather laxidasical branch of luthernisim I believe. At the time I believed whole heartedly in the entire shebang. My father seemed to do it mostly to humor my mother I think. Sometime around second grade he dove into Eastern philosophy and religion which a fervor and pretty quickly abandoned the Christianity thing. This had a big effect on me.

My childhood was difficult, to say the least. I won't be trauma dumping right now, don't worry. Let's just say I didn't fit in at school or with other kids and my father had a nasty temper and my mother is a whole other can of worms. I was a deeply unhappy and troubled child. I was also extremely bright and imaginative, and in the tiny speck I grew up in this was NOT normal nor wanted by any except my parents. For all their faults they tried to do the best they could with the limited tools they had.

I remember one night I was once again crying myself to sleep. I was roughly 8 or so years old I believe. I was praying my little heart out, begging God to make things better. At the very least to simply take the pain away if even for a little while. He never really did...

Well after that it was over by degrees and by the time my father died my faith was toast. I should add that all through my childhood I was having strange experiences that most people would call paranormal. From constant nightmares and visions of all manner of nasty beasties in my room at night to ghosts and UFOs. Hell my earliest memory is a paranormal one! I'm in my daybed (think a cross between a crib and a toddler bed) and suddenly a pair of grotesque hands reach up around the sides, as if someone were under the bed as if to hug me, it was not a hug. I remember the hands squeezing my stomach and chest harder and harder until I couldn't breathe. Then my mother walked in and they were gone! I asked her about it years later and she remembers me having mysterious scratch marks on my torso at around that age.

The next event that stands out I was probably 6 or 7 and my mother was getting to head to work. At the time she had very erratic hours so it would have e been somewhere around 3 or 4 in the morning. She was in the bathroom showering, putting on makeup etc and I was lying in my bed trying to go back to sleep after she woke me up. Next thing I know there is a light shinning in my window. It was instant. There was no gradual brightening like headlights coming through a window. It was a small light gradually getting bigger like a flashlight (besides I was on the second floor) it filled my entire very large bedroom window completely. Of course I was terrified and began to scream for my mother. No more than 3 or 4 seconds could have gone by and she was there and the light was gone as if it never existed.

There were numerous UFO sightings, mostly with my father driving at night on the county roads in the boondocks. Perhaps some other time I'll talk about HIS close encounter on the very same roads.

He died when I was 11. It devastated me. Yes he was abusive, mentally and emotionally not physically thank God. But compared to his father he was a damn saint. He was also my mentor, my hero and my only friend for the majority of my childhood. This eventually led me to abandon western religion and delve into any and every alternative. Tarot, Psychics, Buddhism, Hindu, Daoisim,witchcraft and wicca as well as some darker paths. I'll only touch on a couple incidents for illustration purposes. A big one was the premonition of my father's death. I had a dream that my former dare officer had been at my door telling me someone died and I remember being so confused why she was there then crushed at the death but at the time I simply assumed it was another of my strange dreams. A week or two later my dare officer woke me up and stood in my doorway telling me my father was dead. There countless times a sudden powerful feeling saved me from trouble, or jail, or worse. There were speels and rituals that payed off spectacularly, and backfired just as spectacularly. I could go on and on the point is I was a true believer in this as well.

It all came to a head when I was about 16. I remember lying in my bed late at night. The street lights were streaming in my bedroom windows, one in each. Then I was overwhelmed with a feeling of foreboding and revulsion. Suddenly it was as if someone had pulled a blindfold over my eyes as my room went pitch black. Not the darkness of the city. Not the eigengrau of closed eyelids but a total and complete absence of light. Then as I peered uselessly into it I realized I COULD see something. It was as if hundreds, thousands, of these THINGS that were darker even than the darkness were crawling and writhing and sliding around each other everywhere I looked. Somehow I knew they were hungry and they were there for me. I was terrified. Reverting to the instincts inherent in every child in history I threw the covers over my head and cowered in terror. Then something in me snapped. I don't mean that as a metaphor I LITERALLY felt something in me crack or break and I screamed NO! Not in fear but in anger! I said enough was enough and to this day I have no idea precisely WHAT I did but the darkness, whatever it was, was blown away and out of my room in an instant.

Life went on and I grew older. I had completely stepped away from anything occult or paranormal. I threw myself into impericisim with a vengeance. I studied all the science I could on my own. I was a rationalist and proud of it. I chocked all my youthful adventures up to the drugs or mental illness or just about anything I could rationalize it away with.

But the more I learned and studied the fringes and bleeding edge of our scientific understanding the more I was questioned my dismissal of the paranormal. Then I began meditating. Then I tried LSD and mushrooms. A whole library of books have been written on THAT subject and they are well worth pursuing but not today.

Now here I am. I have no idea what comes next. I have always been, but never more so than now, in need of a mentor. A teacher a guide someone to show me the way. I've had to flounder and stumble through all this more or less alone for my entire life and frankly it's exhausting.

[malcifer85]

Tonight

So here I sit kids and girlfriend are asleep. I'm dealing with a death, someone close not a mother or spouse vut close. I sit here thinking is she proud of me is she disappointed? This woman was a christian all the way a true fucking believer. Can't say I share the same point of view but most of the family does. I homestly hope she is right otherwise whats the damn point. She was the kindest sweetest woman I have ever known unless you crossed her grandkids lmao. She asked me to be a good man and take care of my girls how do I do that? Let's see.