malaymudbloodblog

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I have no words. I was fooled. I asked God for two things in 2023, and I get none of it within the year. But I was blessed with things that I have never wished for, I went to Japan, my dream country, I went to Rome, the place I never known I can have my footsteps to be in the country. Through the happiest days of my life, I still had my attachments with me. I hold them tightly, knowing that letting it go will crush all of my hopeless dream. I am holding tight to things that were never good to me, and I knew it before I even started it. Love is blind. I forget Him the second He told me its not gonna be my time yet to receive the love that I deserved for. Now I'm losing myself. I am no longer the girl I used to be. Dear God, help me to let go. Let go of him. He's not mine and never was.

[malaymudbloodblog]

Ambitions

I have lots of ambitions that I want to achieve right now. I want to hop on adult life so much but I know there are so many challenges are waiting for me. I wanna go to Japan so much I wanna see the other side of this. Since past years I guess I do evolve so much in this 2021, but not just the great ones, also the lowest ones. I have lost friends, lost my energy at the peak time of getting so much things done. And still, I discovered a lot of flaws of mine and it’s not easy to get up and fix them. A lot of self-reflection since past years due to Covid quarantines, but one thing I’m so glad that I am strong till this day. I achieved what I once dreamed of, to do my dream poster, render using Vray and featured in appreciation of works in ig. I could never expecting that. I am glad one of the lost friend is the one who helped. I am so grateful for having him, he’s on of my cause to be who I am today. Better, stronger. I bought a lot of things I wanted too and I think yes, money can’t buy happiness after all. I found my best Japanese crush takeru-san, and tbh he makes me much eager to further my post-graduate studies in Japan. I wanna go there, not visit, but living there for a moment. I wanna go there alone or with someone whom really jinx with me. I want to evolve so much I am scared to look back. Memories just made me weak.. even the good ones. I hate partings, I hate endings. I wanna be so much better, I wanna buy my own house, living by myself, getting good foods for my body, getting breath-taking view every morning, wake up in positive surrounding and I wanna make the world better. Sustainability is one of my goal currently I am targeting at, I wanna save the world source and at the same time saving the people in it who are just drowning in negativities. I wanna wash away all those impurities, toxics in the society. At least, for my surrounding. I will be on my internship by September and I am still scared of growing up. It’s a bit mixed of both, excited and scared. 

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I gets

I’m truly happy for this given opportunity by God to change and improve. This holiday aren’t just some meaningless holidays, they are my growing up moments where i get see parts of the real world. The reality of different class of people, refreshing my positivity towards humans. I get see the quality in me that I’ve never seen in my life. It’s quite amazing how this holiday really get me to be productive as ever, mentally of course. I just started to go deeper into those movies that has a real meaning, that is boring to everyone, listening to musics that everyone never approved of. Classical and EDM. Two different genres with quite a big gap of ages but I love what people mostly don’t. Started my Ramadhan with the niat to khatam and alhamdulillah 22nd Ramadhan i get to khatam before my period started. I even do a bit of tafsir on a few surahs, glad that Vivy Yusof’s stories about surahs though. I got present by Kha, a book, a new one. I get to paint my house exterior walls all by myself. I get to buy my Kat Von D Lolita using my hardwork money. And I get to made raya cards for my friends which was illustrated by myself. I went to the post office twice by myself and I get to learn how to post cards. I get to learn embroidery which is quite fun to me, I get to develop my video editing skills, my software skills and the most important thing I get the feeling of studying excitement again. Left it in my high school and now they’re back. Hope they are staying. Early MCO, I get to be a delivery girl by selling the seafood with my brother and he changed a lot since then. I get to have the most minimalist Syawal in my entire life. No new baju raya but definitely new kind of happiness. There’s so much thing going on in this holiday and all I ever hope is that I get to make my future plan a reality. I do grateful for all these ‘I get’s. I do.

[malaymudbloodblog]

Friend

Don’t know what and how to explain her role in my life. Wouldn’t say an idol cause I can’t be like her, it is her personality. But i love how she is. Used to fight a lot back in school where we were in the same class in form 1 and 3. Over small things. Like why she didn’t say hi to me first in class, like how she suddenly pushed me away for i don’t know what are the reasons till today. But how can i keep her as my bestest friend until today despite everything happened back then because yeah she broke the record to be the friend with the most arguments i had with. But our friendship is different, we don’t talk always, but when we talk, the quality is not something i can easily get with anyone. Everytime with her, i gain something. Something and something.

In school, there were two queues for each classes, and us, we never sit side by side. If I come after her, and her side is vacant, I will sit behind her and vice versa. Weird but that is how we keep every bmoment spent together is the most quality ones. What is so special about her, i can finally figured out 3 years after school. She is the woman who protects her principle very much. Don’t talk about guys, she mostly does not interested with serious relationship but with God yes she is. Still remember when I came to her house and all we did was watching religious videos and because of her, i know more about freemason, illuminati, world towards islam conspiracies, the most reasonable ones. Not only the scary part, but even with the very beautiful part of Islam. She is the most pretty friend I have ever had, not only the outside, but inside too. Talking about her outer beauty, I guess she never promotes her beauty, what I meant she does not wear makeups, even to cover the flaws on her face (she rarely had one but once she has it she never complains) , she never posted any of her face in pictures for a long time. She is a crazy traveller, trust me. But all she ever posted in her instagram was the picture of Kaabah of her third time going there. She met Yasmin Mogahed twice, and she shared with me the notes from the talks. It was so good when I read it.It’s quite funny how there’s one time we e xchange our gifts for birthday (we born on the same month) by giving religious things. I gave her a duas book and she gave me a tasbih which is a very beautiful one and I still use it until today. Hang it in my hostel room, and everyone who came will praise the tasbih. Everything that she ever gave to me, I will take a very good care of it, like a very very good care. I love how we always talk about the society, the issues, our opinions and all great stuffs. She rarely hang out with me and my other friends, for the whole time we were in school, we never hang out together. But there is once we sleepover together because of a school programme, it was the most beautiful moment I will cherish forever. Might sound like a boring friendship but I’ll just keep our crazy moments tight in my mind.

[malaymudbloodblog]

Forget

Its been a month since I lost my sincerest smile. This test from Allah does not make me angry because I know I can take it but never I notice that it will take so much time of healing. It needs so much time of becoming happy inside out again. But knowing that one day it will be worth it does make me feel better.

Yes, I do, I miss snapchatting with the one I have loved so much, but after everything happened, it made me think a lot. Was it genuine? All the actions he has done. Action speaks louder than words. Yes it is. But does it applied to him? I was being more than extra careful but it was a total fault when giving away my heart to someone easily. No questions, more fear than being bold. Once I was bold, I knew something was going to happen. And it did. Screwed up. My life at the highest peak decreasing to the lowest point in just a few hours. Everything was beautiful until the flaws started to show up.

I wanted to help him but this time, I’ll just keep my dua for him to become more of himself. Old self. He was good to me, and I know he will always be, but I just can’t talk to him anymore. Im sad. Im sad that my existence is a joke in someone’s life.

I want to forget him but Allah tested me by seeing him every single day, by making us work as a group. It is a test. A very hard test, I could say. How to forget? No, not forgetting is a new thing for me. But much more of moving on and create more memories with the new friends. I will never forget. It is a forever memory and a lesson for me. And i hope a lesson for him too. And I forgive him.

[malaymudbloodblog]

Pain

Whenever I have the pain of losing my confident in myself, I don’t know who I can talk to. I always forget the moment when I am in pain, I have Him by my side. Everytime. Always reminding others but forgetting Him myself.

Today I just got my semester 2 result. One thing I forgotten before I checked the result was to be tawakkal. I know I wasn’t prepared but I just went for it. When it came out, the mental breakdown mentality came at me. I was calm but I know if I’m losing my grip I would be wasting my tears for everything that I’ve worked for. It was my bad for not doing it right and wholeheartedly. This semester just not a good period for me. But to know that I got my majoring, I should be grateful and strive more after this. When I saw the Bs, I lost my sight at the As.

When everything brings me down, I started allowing the negative and overthinking to conquered me. Whenever my friends were not replying, I got mad and sad. And then I looked at my parents that were right infront of me. Why do I have to care about people who take me for granted? Or maybe they were busy at that time. Why should I make myself happy or satisfy myself with their response while my parents are actually my source of happiness and satisfaction? Tonight is just not the night where any dramas can heal me. Not even people. We all know the solution is right here. He misses me because I know myself I haven’t been sparing my time for Him. I was busy making sure everyone is okay. And now I know it’s not my job.

Now I’m hungry.

[malaymudbloodblog]

When you have friends, don’t expect them to fill your happiness. When you get married, don’t expect your spouse to fulfill your every need. When you’re an activist don’t put your hope in the results. When you’re in trouble, don’t depend on yourself. Don’t depend on people. Depend on GOD.

Yasmin Mogahed

[malaymudbloodblog]

Hope

Never in my life I would expect something more from people. I just know that they are not me. I can’t make them think like me, act like me and understand anything like me. They just wouldn’t.

Having a family member that will always place everything in negative thinking is just a lesson for myself. But the more I had it the thought of a ‘lesson’, the more I become selfish. I should’ve help too. Help them to think towards positive. It’s hard, even myself I’m still struggling. But so far Inshaallah I can still make it through. I’m not as strong as anyone, but at least I can advice and get their help when I need. I want to help but I’m just the youngest in the family. Know nothing but learning from the elders.

Friends. It’s not that I can help them when they are having difficulties, they won’t even listen to me. My words are useless. Because they think I never experience whatever they’re experiencing. I’ve met a lot of people’s attitudes. And I have watched and learnt something from them. Wherever I go, I meet people, try to align my mind with them, and learn something from them. New people new attitude. And I always imagine myself in their shoes if they talk to me about their problems. But I could never help them. I can only listen. And comfort. To tell someone during their difficulties that Allah is here, He is the solution and He misses us sometimes it does not work. They block everything. All they know, I can never help them. They just need a shoulder to cry. I’ve seen many tears and all I hope is we also can save up some of the tears for the part when we solat and we repent everytime we know we are sinful.

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First end

Waw, it has been 3years since I left high school. I’d still remember all the memories in form 5 where my classmates were my besties and I love them so much and we all act like a family. All the guys were my brothers and the girls were my sisters. But after months of not meeting each other, met new friends in foundation we parted our ways. We became closer with the new friends but we all know we can never have meet those kind of friendship anymore. It’s hard to find.

First year in degree taught me more than I ever expected. From being more open-minded to having the lowest expectations on people and to adapt with people’s different thinking. I have 52 classmates and not even a single person has the same thinking with me. Closer? One. Thinkings and opinions are subjective. If they’re objective, definitely everyone will choose the same answer but never act like one.

Gaining knowledge in the favourite subject is hard because the favourite is no longer fun. It was getting harder through every projects. To get the long-wanted subject was even harder. Knowing that you can surprise people with your design but you just can’t because knowing is not doing. The effort. I think I did good enough but others were doing more than enough. That is where I learn that what I was doing does not go along with my dream. It is hard for a first year student but I know the harder challenges are coming in their way to surprise me but Inshaallah I’m ready.

All of these indeed truly tiring because the stressful on the subject is not th only one. The falling in love part is also growing together with the stress. Telling others I’m okay is not same as what I was stressing all night. That is why meeting up with friends in the day put me in my most hyper mode happy situation and they thought I’m always in that mood all through the day. I was not. It was hard when my friends and family were not beside me. But knowing that Allah is always accompanying me and that small reminder is enough to get me through the day. Because I know He is the best planner and every hardship comes with an ease afterwards. I do believe in Him.

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May peace be upon you

Assalamualaikum. To begin this, i would like to say it took a lot of thoughts to be out loud about what I feel, what I see, what I hear and what I will write. I’m no good. But everyday I feel like I’ve been given this opportunity to change to a better me. I am unofficially 20 years old but I’m lacked of experience. Especially about love between humans. I don’t know how to work on relationships. I don’t know how to act normally when I like someone and it is not okay because I have to be me to be accepted. I need someone to be clingy with. But I never know if they’re going to like it or not. I am not as 'pretty' as everyone. This insecurity keeps surrounding me but all I have is the positivity of saying ‘it’s not insecurity. It is humbleness.’ But to think that I am humble is not humbleness lol. And being 20, it’s not easy to see the humanity in this era where people just don’t care about religion anymore. Towards liberism. I grew up thinking that there’s only one God. And I should follow everything that I’ve been taught and what everyone else is doing. But the world is doing the other way around. This just breaks my heart and I really want to understand what they are thinking but in the same time I want them to understand what I’m thinking either. Not just Islamophobia, but even the humanity in the community itself just fading day by day. The common sense between the elders and the teens. It really really tear me apart when I see them don’t even know how to respect the elders anymore. They know but they just don’t care anymore. As long as their world is in peace they’re all free to do anything. And I hope one fine day, it’s going to end.