majikstan

[majikstan]

Here is just a calm recording while sitting in my chair, recorded at about 2am, hope you like these calm beats :-) If only I had someone ear-steth me. :-)

[majikstan]

I was standing while recording this one, hope you enjoy :-)

[majikstan]

Hope you enjoy this new latest recording, recorded before heading to bed, I was just kneeling on the floor during this one.

[majikstan]

Still discovering the features of Tumblr

Interesting I thought I had already learned all the features in this site and yet I discover just last night that there is another level, when you expand the Notes button and see the icons for likes, comments, shares etc, I never realized that you could click those and they would list all the people that had liked your post, even those who were not currently following you, interesting, never thought that it would reveal that, I thought those icons were just images only.

I have noted there are a few people who were not followers or I had not followed yet liked a few of my posts, so I may have to go through and follow them as well hehe :-)

For those who I may have not followed and were expecting me to if they had really liked my posts, then I am sorry I only found you now :-)

Interesting also to see some followers relating to to some of my other interest or art posts had also liked subject unrelated to our main interests, thank you I say :-) Its nice to have my content appreciated.

I really do need some real friends though, so thank you.

[majikstan]

Just some Early Morning Pounding beats, hope you all enjoy them :-) If only I had someone to ear-steth me.

[majikstan]

Remodeling the HM Supply First Fleet Ship

I have decided to start on my recreation of of of my old Model ships I 3D Modeled back in early 2020 when I was still learning Blender and also teaching myself how to model Sailing ship hulls. This was modeled initially for work in my old job.

I had wanted to and had planned to update that model and my other ships / other models, in time. but since I lost my job last year, this would basically not happen other than for my own self, which is still something that I wish to do and improve my collections, since some were modeled a few years ago.

Here is the beginnings for my Latest reconstruction, this time adding further details, and further matching the drawings and traditional building designs for the time period with my revised modeling techniques, my old boss will not be getting this version!

[majikstan]

Loneliness and down in luck. Need a friend, now in Melbourne again.

Wishing I had a friend here too. And a job, like i used to have. And a life as well. Greedy Government took that away from me!

[majikstan]

The move + Flight

Hello all, just to notify that I will be away for a few days, as after I send these last messages, I will power down my computers and pack these last things ready for tomorrows move, when the removealist arrives tomorrow, I will fly out the next day and head back down to Melbourne, I will be offline until sometime hopefully early next week.

We will see when I can get setup again. I will be having to stay at my sisters for a time, I will still have my main equipment though as that will remain in my bedroom. Though hidden mostly. Hoping everything goes smoothly with this move. Not ex-actually what I wanted to do. It was 25 years ago I move up here, and now I am being forced to move back down there,

[majikstan]

To be truly happy

Will this move back down to Melbourne really bring back that happiness, and or how long would it be when I truly fill that happy and could relax? Sometimes I feel like I'm losing myself, many times I feel like I break down, too many time,s more so lately, but what can I do, I am left with no choice.

Even down in Melbourne, I never really had any friends when I first lived down there 25 years ago except one friend, who I lost contact in 2002, when he moved and I never got a forwarding address / Number. Would any one seek to meet uo with me, if they learned of my return back to Victoria, would anyone want to hold a reunion?

Will it really be long before I find another job and will that next employer be that trustworthy, this time? Who would want me and want my capabilities?

Again I feel like I am losing myself, here and my life. What do I really have to look forward to, sure I would be closer to family and for a time be having to stay at my sisters, but...

I will also miss my kids, currently I live 40 minutes away by bus from my kids, in over 3 weeks time I would be over 2 hours away by flight, 2 states south, back down in Melbourne.

It will be so surreal to be back down there and with all of my stuff down there, though in storage first, offsite.

Who do I have outside of family?

The Unit is almost ready with most things packed, downstairs the garage is also almost all processed, Having to book the dates for the move though, officially, will make this move official and a flight organized the next day by family, would be the other. At least $65 for a taxi to the airport, and again down there to family.

Why is this all so difficult for me?

[majikstan]

To hug and to be hugged

I wish I had some one to hug or to be hugged, even as close to feel each-others heartbeats, if the other person also had shared in that interest, otherwise a hug from anyone would be so nice, it has been so long since I had a hug, let alone had experienced a real hug. I am a hugger, I admit so could just about hug anyone, if they wanted one, no matter, what orientation a friend may be. A hug would be so nice even considering how I have been feeling lately.

[majikstan]

Can anyone DM me

Yes they can, if they wish, I accept DM's is anyone wants to contact me, I don't mind, as long as you truly want to talk to me or message me. And I respect everyone as they are, It does not matter in what orientation , religion , skin color, as long as your not of (Blue Lizard, Green or Grey ).

Even if you want to listen to my heartbeat or wish to connect with other methods like Skype, Discord, etc. I don't mind , however as long as a friend really wants to connect as a friend. I don't usually add just about everyone and anyone and unless we have spoken before, we share a shared interest or so. Note that I am not simple and have many interests. I am also a Historian, researcher, 3D Game developer, and artist in many ways too among many things.

[majikstan]

The move is coming closer but its at times getting overwhelming, I wish I had a friend.

The move back is coming up soon, it may be just 2-3 weeks left for me to still be living up in Brisbane Queensland, as I have been forced to move back down to Melbourne.

All this packing, and getting sorted ready for the move, its difficult for me doing this on my own and at times can get overwhelming.

Having to pack even all of my research material and not knowing how soon I will regain access again to my stuff other than being stored offsite and being forced to stay in a single room for the moment.

I moved up here when I was 21 in late April 1999 and now 25 years later, I am now having to move back again in late April again. Still no new job, rent went up a few weeks ago and now is too expensive. I have no one and I have been living alone, with not a single visitor or any friends to visit me.

I lost my last girlfriend 13 years ago, my luck has not been, especially when you have greedy government.

I welcome any friends as long as they want to be real friends as I don't collect numbers and won't just approve anyone and everyone till I know if a new person truly wishes to be a good friend.

Yes I do have Skype and also Discord for example, but I rather someone DM me for those details.

To think that in a couple of weeks time, I will be once again living down in Melbourne Victoria and after that first week when it finely sinks in that I won't have to go back to Melbourne airport to fly back up here since I will have no place up here to go to, by then and so will be living down there again.

Yes eventually I could revisit several historic sites again that I used to visit, the Polly Woodside, The train at Edwards Lake, maybe get a chance to see the Enterprize Replica, also the Alma Doepel, being restored, possibly see the Puffing Billy again or ride an actual steam rail special from Flinders Street Station, once day, who knows, it would be great if I had someone to meet as a friend. It would be nice if I had a friend or buddy.

I will of course once I have the room setup at my sisters, I will of course have close but have to hide it though, my sound gear including my Steths, they won't be in storage.

I also need a hug.

Sometimes all of this just get just too overwhelming, but I have been given no other choice.

[majikstan]

Latest News in a while

How can I even put all this into words, given the current situation hat I am now in, from multiple fronts, again it attacks my self esteem and self confidence.

The Job Ends in August and continued communications for Contractor verses Employment

Ever since I lost my dream job when my former employer who now only wants to contract contractors and expects me to become a contractor instead of an employee, I was employed 4 years ago as a full time employee, my former boss no longer wants to support a wage earner, as I had explained countless times I require job security, and he said he cannot provide that anymore, he had been pushing us to move into being our own self employed, soul trader contractors even since November 2021 but the final change was back in August of last year, The 27th to be exact.

And for months he has been persistently keeping in contact trying to send me many offers that again all expect working as Contractor, estimate on the tasks before having the work approved to work on., then after months of trying to convince me that Contractor was the only way, he then starts to attack me on the quality of some of my 3D model, work claiming he had shown certain other contractors and claiming that they had criticized about the quality or the standards, given that when I first modeled those particularly models I was still teaching myself how to best model that topic and I produced them at the time based on what had been asked, I supplied the best I could do at the time and had plans to update these with what I now have known since at least 2021 but never got a chance to put those changes through them all, only started to improve on certain aspects of them. And he used to brag to many of the larger clients about those models and claimed at the time that I was one of the best 3D modelers he had ever known, Interesting.

The criticism really hit me back in the core of me and again I started to feel like I was not good enough. My creative spirit was really hit like I was punched, and for that weekend I had troubles to gain any inspiration to do anything creative.

My father when I spoke to to him over the phone, said something in the call that made me think, if my work really was not that good then why would my former boss still be persistent to me all this time, unless he still respected me to an extent and maybe was fearful of losing me to another employer? In any case he gave me no choice, he no longer wants to support wage earners and full time employment, and only wants to contract on a task by task basis, that's not job security.

Next thing is with the increasing cost of living the rent.

Just went up recently, as I had to resign a new lease but the cost now is far above what is suitable for this place, I cannot afford to stay here too much longer. Yes I have to break lease soon I had no choice in the re-sign of the lease document over a month ago. I am alone here I have no one, but this now pressures further. Given that I currently have not picked up another job still, I am still on my savings. This continues on to the next topic

The Move or the relocation of a big move after what had been 25 years of living up in Brisbane, Queensland, Australia, I now am being forced to move back to Melbourne.

This is a plan that was first offered back in 2019 if at the same situation if I had not landed a new job by the then Christmas for that year, then I would have been forced to move back to Melbourne and stay at my sisters for a time and as such like my sister has said "To Start again!". This offer has been offered again. but I am not simple and as a researcher this is going to be a pain when most of or almost all of my hard-copy research would be stored offsite in a storage place. Giving limited access. if I ever need to review until I could eventually afford to get another place of my own, (down there).

This Move having to pack and having no help up here I have no mates or buddies I am on my own, and theirs allot to pack, given that I am not simple and can never be simple, I am researcher, developer, Historian among many things. I cannot just simple get rid of all of my life, I am not some blank canvas to be messed with. Family say they will organize the actual movers and the storage location, for this move but, its just hard, to go interstate again after 25 years after being established up here, and all this is not even my fault but the greedy government as always.

No Partner still and no local support to keep me going

I have no partner, and no one still has any interest for me in this country. I'm 46 and still have not got what most other people I know have, especially in my family, even my oldest nephew has a partner.

Why is it that I still find that no one in this country Australia ever has any interest to want to know me, let alone want to hang out with me. Why is that yet so many far overseas wish they could, even though most of my overseas contacts are not that close in contact. But who can I have?, I lost my last GF who was from overseas, in 2013, again because of Greedy Government.

A hug with someone would really be so nice, from just about anyone. Such hugs I have not felt in such a long time.

Conclusion

All this plus some other things not spoken here, how do I keep pushing through, when I feel like I am a failure to my life of my last 25 years? am I really, I feel like a loser, and also again still having the Not Good enough flag and others effecting my self esteem, self confidence and believing that I will ever get somewhere better, Its a huge back step, from renting a small single bedroom self contained unit (Shared laundry and an enclosed Garage) to having to live in a single room with most of my stuff stored off-site.

Sometimes it feels just that hard that I almost want to give-up, only family want me in this country anyway.

[majikstan]

Just a late night recording of my heartbeat while kneeling on the floor the other night, hope you like.

I really did not want to go to bed, did not want to be alone, even though I'm mostly alone almost all the time.

Things have not been going to well for me, with the move coming up, the loss of my job back in August, the rental increase via the cost of living, nothing of my fault, but the government greed.

Being alone and almost abandoned by even those from the HB community these days. Having no real close friends still. Most of my only friends are far overseas, I'm mostly alone here, with no one.

I need a friend, I need a hug, even a mate would be so good. A good friend, regardless of what orientation, religion, skin , etc, a friend is still a friend, I respect everyone just as they are. And anyone is also welcome to listen to my heartbeat, if they wish. Just as if it were possible to have a hug from anyone.

Anyone is welcome to PM me.

[majikstan]

Ghost Blogs - What does it mean when You had someone you had followed for awhile on here, then, suddenly sends a message containing a single full stop ( . ) and you find you cannot send a reply, you see there name, there icon but when you click there name, it opens to a page saying "Ghost Blog - nothing to be found" What does that mean, is it that the person had blocked me, though for what reason I have no clue of, since there was no reason given but a single Dot only as the message. My profile specified the details that otherwise a blank profile would have been blocked, so mine was filled, I have no other clue, I did not do anything wrong as far as I know, so it makes no sense. Is it that or is Tumblr not refreshing the page correctly even though I have refreshed the page. I really don't have that many followers anyway, let alone actual friends.

[majikstan]

What true friends do I really have and who do I have to stick by me?

Almost al of my friends are located far away overseas, not to many contacts are Australian, and I don't even have a best friend.

I am constantly judged for not being something that I am not, why do people expect you to be?

I feel so alone, even the heartbeat community seems to have forgotten about me too, No one seems interested to listen to my heart these days too, as I have said before anyone is welcome to listen, just ask. Former good friends, now I don't even hear from these days.

I wish I had a best mate a buddy or even a partner.

In the end I wish things would improve instead of feeling like a constant downhill slide.

[majikstan]

Why do most people seem to expect me to be something else that I am not?

I am sorry that I am not simple. I'm sorry I am not Minimalist and have stuff. And not a simple Suitcase or backpack. I'm sorry I have many interests. I am sorry I don't have a Car. I am sorry I don't live like what most other people here seem to be able to. I'm sorry I don't really drink, and have never smoked. I'm sorry I'm not really into sport. I'm sorry I don't live either on or near the beach, or have a farm or live somewhere out the bush. I am sorry I don't go camping or do bushwalking. (Though would love to explore some ruins somewhere) I'm sorry I don't travel around, part of that reason is due to the costs. I'm sorry I am not a typical Aussi Bloke. I am sorry I have mixed interests, including History and the preservation of real history. I'm sorry I am a thinker. I'm sorry I care about other people. I'm sorry I don't have the money to do things like what most other people in these groups seem to be able to afford. I'm sorry I don't think the same like most other people may think. I'm sorry I love being creative as one of the parts of my soul, even if that may include but not limited to Digital art also. I am sorry I am an artist also, but that is a part of me. I'm sorry I am not one of those that can just sit there and do nothing else, compared to most other people, it seems. I am sorry I am different than most other people. I am sorry that I am also a Polymath (Renaissance Man) I'm sorry I rent a Unit/ Flat and don't own a house.

Why do I have to say sorry, why can't people respect and appreciate me as I am. Why is it that most people would expect me to change what I am into something else I'm not, just to satisfy someone else's expectations?

I accept everyone else as they are, why can't people accept me as I am, or is that not good enough? I'm sick of being judged for not being what most others seem to expect me to be.