mahesini

[mahesini]

10 days till margazhi ends…

i hate hate hate waiting to do things or know an outcome to anything!!

i can be patient and i have proved i can be even though people think im irrationally impatient. im just very independent and can get things done without the support of my family or my mans. if that’s being crazy impatient then go do one honestly, if make mistakes made then they’re mine and im not reckless to make any huge negative financial decisions

i honestly just feel like ive given up on life, i can’t be asked to get up and make the most of the mornings, go on runs, listen to music, make effort with my friends (i haven’t even got or thought about what to get keerthana for her 30th that was back in September 24) or eat well

when it comes to getting married, of course you would like both sides of the family’s blessings to go forward and that what we been asking from them but they just don’t want to talk about it, even with arun they don’t

amma managed to speak with MIL and yes she said to wait till after margazhi but amma told her you can still tall to your husband during margazhi about it, but arun’s appa probably, likely doesn’t want to talk about it (he is more religious)

at the end of the this nightmare, they are going to say they never stood in our way and never said no to us being together but they still to this day haven’t acknowledged the proposal, told their families, nothing let alone want to start speaking about the wedding themselves and after all this they going to expect a healthy and happy relationship with them from me

if i get rude im going to be perceived as the bad person but at this point what has being nice achieved apart from heartache and constant wondering how my future is going to pan out

don’t get me started with the house…did we follow the solicitor’s email instructions and sign the documents correctly, no…did the seller’s seller give us all a deadline of the 30th jan to get our shit together yes 🤣

sigh

[mahesini]

23.12.2024 - arun spoke to MIL

MIL kept calling me so I asked arun to ask her what she wants to speak about. Context - my amma called her when we got back from Canada on Saturday at 10pm (late yes but she forgot), then MIL had plans on Sunday so didn't call back till late last week and amma hasn't called her back since. fairly cause she doesn't want to get upset by what MIL has to say (she has nothing to say apart from we';; speak about this after margazhi )

He didn't say what MIL wanted to say but he said

MIL said she won't call me anymore, that MIL is much older than me and she been trying to mend our rs despite the whatsapp group sini made. i made a whatsapp group named "diffucult in laws' in dec 2023 following the proposal that happened in oct 2023, which they ignored and didn't like that arun did it during the 1 year period of MIL's father death. MIL did invite us to her house and gave gifts in May 2024 but still hasn't told anyone from their side about us let alone the proposal. arun's periamma knows but that's because arun told her earlier in the rs but that's all.

she already told sini why she cant talk about this right now (margzahi, bad month/time to do good things). Which we are ok to not do anything in this month, but the least that can be arranged is when we're going to meet up in Jan post margazhi or for MIL to talk to iyers and see what days work out for a wedding but no she hasn't done that

arun told MIL that we're ok to pay for the wedding and MIL says its not just about us paying, MIL would also need to pay etc

MIL said can't rush 'our' process because of other people's annual leave. "other people'???, neil and g mama along with myself need to sort out our annual leave and yes we would want said "other people" at our wedding so we need to give them in advance notice. it's not rushing, it's called planning...jesus

MIL said we haven't give any guarantees that appa won't somehow turn up at the wedding. yeah so how do you want me to provide that gurantee exactly??

MIL said why do i get upset about her asking where my amma gna live after i move out. whose looking after her own mother? it's her akka, the same periamma that knows about us. so i'm not sure if she is trying to conclude where my amma is going to cause she mentioned she doesn't want either in laws living with us but we're paying the mortgage so we'll decide that

MIL also said arun chose someone himself so he needs to stay strong whislt his parents are still taking time to accept. STILL?? it's been 3 years, and i am about to buy a house with their son in about less than a month's time and they are still processing their acceptance??

arun tells me the last part and i just cut the phone on him, it's so upsetting that even when i'm about to go into a mortgage with him they still need time to figure us out and that they haven't told anyone yet is just so upsetting. MIL says they are having issues with their own businesses/finances etc so they don't have the time whilst they make time for his dad's friend's 50th birthday they just went to. i don't get what they don't have time for but no one is asking them to finance or organise this wedding, i just need to know on what things they want involvement on so i can start planning this wedding.

i can accept just getting legally married to just get it done but i want to provide a happy experience for both neil babiee and amma, that's the whole point of life to choose to live happily especially where you have control over your life.

[mahesini]

16.12.2024 - blocked my MIL

we’re soon closing in on the house purchase and approaching 2025.

i would think now (as in a month ago) is a good time to start planning the wedding. at the least narrowing down a date and location. i would be fine with a 2026 date as we get the time to save and plan.

amma spoke to MIL last month before we had left to canada on the 29.11.2024 to speak with iyer about dates and so did i whilst i was in canada. MIL said she would speak to the iyer

i messaged MIL today (16.12.24) during work if she was going to return my amma’s call and she calls me straight away so we talk about canada a little and then i ask her about the wedding date discussion.

MIL says it margazhi now so its a bad time to discuss the wedding for a month plus they are tight on finances because of their businesses. disregarding their finances issues, which again im happy to cover the wedding cost (wont be a grand one that she wants) or again just set the wedding to a future date in 2026. just doesn’t feel like they want to plan or talk about it or they do things last minute. this goes for arunraj too, he says he doesn’t even want to do one right now

MIL had more than 2 weeks before margazhi to speak to an iyer and chose not to. FIL may have final say on things and MIL probably just waiting for him to say something or arunraj to speak to FIL. arunraj hates talking to both of them about his life decisions so no hope for him to take initiative

i feel like i have no control over my life and just a sitting duck, which im not used to and its driving me mad. i feel emotional 24/7, put on weight and have no desire to present myself well 🙁

[mahesini]

months before turning thirty

let's preface my english is atrocious but i'm using this platform as an outlet and writing how i feel seems to help me release.

2023 was a mental health DECLINE, which i was hoping to leave behind but it has followed me into 2024..

do i feel guilty for feeling like this when others are going through way worse events in the world currently, YES! i should be grateful for the blessings i have but i'm also hyper aware of time and how little we have of it.

i have to my knowledge always been an independent individual, haven't had to consult or get permission for life choices i have made. i guess it was a slow realisation entering into my late twenties, where most tamil girls get scrutinised with the "are you not thinking to get married", that i've developed this guilt of not "accomplishing" this big chapter in my life. usually i don't let tasks on my life admin list just sit there outstanding, i get them done and dusted but this particular task requires more than just me and i'm struggling to deal with this

i have no honest answers or solutions to “do u want ur appa at the wedding” or “what if your appa turns up at the wedding” or “go speak to your appa about it”

i have had zero contact with appa since April 2016. it got to a point where amma’s life was on the line so there was no other choice but to exile him from our lives.

do i wish my appa had more patience? YES do i understand how challenging it is to do life with my amma? YES! i’m not trying to defend my appa’s violent actions but maybe i do understand how he got to this breaking point. on reflection i do feel like i can easily empathise with men than women but i don't have an explanation for why.

thambi means more to me than those to ever have and thambi does see it as more black and white. he doesn’t want appa in his life anymore and granted he did the heavy lifting of protecting amma, i don’t blame him for feeling/thinking this way.

i tend to block negative and even some positive events in my life as some sort of coping mechanism to keep me going. being a water sign (not hardcore into astrology or numerology but can give it more time than religion) i wasn’t much of crier growing up, which baffled the horoscope enthusiasts lol but 2023 really broke down my walls more (even though 2016 should have been what broke me). i think i was actually faced with what i was to do with my life instead of just living day to day.

i found my right person to do life with back in 28th August 2021 (the date is special as that number followed us in previous years). he doesn’t take life so seriously as i do and he is has much more patience than i do so i believe we compliment each other well. where i lack he fulfils and vice versa but i’ll save more of this for the vows (cringing). i think subconsciously i was hoping for a great relationship with his family as my amma doesn’t have her own and given what’s happened, it doesn’t seem like my appa’s side wants to continue contact, which obviously breaks my heart because i don’t see why thambi and i should face the consequences of my parent’s actions.

so the “in-laws to be” - have they known about our relationship for two years and still need time to accept a love marriage, YES! have they finally agreed to meet up for the first time but keep pushing it back because it isn’t a good "time" according to the stars, YES! they think we’re rushing to get married tomorrow and my amma wanted me married off yesterday so she can live her life as she pleases. “mother in law to be” says they’re not against us but wants us to be more understanding of that accepting people they don’t know (i.e not in their circles) takes time for them, whereas my amma just wants us married “kalyanam vaisu vanthathadu” ..

i think my last try of resurrecting a relationship with amma back in the summer of 2023 was a failure, as she came back to london with even more energy of getting me married of, which led to a fast-tracked proposal out of pressure. if the husband and children she so wanted doesn't bring her happiness then i just feel like there is no hope reconciling with her and i don't feel like i will have regrets over this.

just realised im writing this in april 8 years after my parents separation. i can’t do what i did in 2016 and blaaze my way through life because i wasn’t facing my appa on a day to to day basis and could easily be ignorant to it? and just continue life without any sad feelings. i’m faced with two choices either to confront everyone and be vilified for it or keep quiet and ride this tsunami of emotions till maybe i reach my breaking point??

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

[mahesini]

The lowest I have weighed :D Last year before I had stopped working out I weighed my lightest at 48kg, which I was also very pleased about! BUT my goal weight is indeed 45kg; some people may say that is too light\skinny...although this may be very true for someone who is 5ft 3 in & above. I am only 5ft 1 so 45kg would be a decent number to weigh at. 

For now, I weigh 47kg, which took me about a month as i was 51kg on the 28th April! I was very surprised by this outcome as losing 4kgs in a month was hard to believe. 

Before I leave for Paris I would LOVE to reach my goal weight as I will likely put on some pounds whilst being surrounded by the awesome food. If not, I won't be upset as I will still be satisfied with how much i have achieved. Also I will only be going for 7 days; so once I get back I will be back on the treadmill.