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[magpiediary]

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give diary a try

mar 20 1:20am

i've been on tumblr pretty much as long as i can remember but never went out of my way to make stuff to post, writing stuff or drawing or taking pics or anything like that. i didnt interact with other creators or stuff like that, just passively reblogging and liking stuff on my scatter of blogs age 9-17. im 19 now. im just having a particularly rough night. i just got off the phone with luke. i feel so sad. ever since we moved back to our parents' i just miss him so much. hes my only friend. hes the only person i can really talk to, let my mask down around. its so hard to cry and feel pathetic just writing this. im so sad all of my friends abandoned me in high school, except a few i talk to occasionally. even then, i cant really talk to them. they dont know my plans throughout the week or how i feel. i cant talk to anyone about that stuff with except luke. i feel so lonely. but i feel so awful for feeling so lonely on top of that. i feel so guilty that luke is my only close friend. i feel so guilty putting all my weight on them. even though i feel like i also try to hold back because i dont want to suffocate them. i feel so guilty for being such an unfriendly girl. but all ive ever wanted was friends. was other girls to laugh with and cry with and fall in each others arms and eat snacks and watch bad tv. all ive ever wanted was friends i could do stuff with every day, text every day, someone who understands me and feels the same way about me as i do them. someone who will unconditionally love me, and understand my feelings and tastes. i grew up watching mlp, barbie, strawberry shortcake, sailor moon, pokemon, all that stuff talking about how amazing friends are. i wished i had lots of friends who liked me, understood me, or thought i was cool. but i felt so different. i felt so alien and strange at a baseline compared to everyone else that made it just impossible to me. i was so different that it just crippled me. girls looked at me funny, i didnt share interests with lots of the boys and on top of that i didnt really like them anyway. boys were too loud, but girls were too quiet. i always felt like i was in the middle with my thoughts, the things i liked, and feelings i had. as much as i want to be accepted as a girl and be friends with them, liked and admired by them, i want to so bad, it’s just so impossible. no other girls my age really get me, it feels like. i feel like such an impossible alien. when i started dating luke, i had friends. i would tell them about him and we’d flitter with excitement, even though the early days of the pandemic kept us apart. i would text our group chats and tell them in volleys of messages. it feels like after that they quickly lost interest in me. i really dont know what i did. i wish they wouldve told me, id have fixed it. i felt like i was being accepted in the friend group. i could be the funny one or the smart one. i liked it. i liked being included. it made me feel really happy and secure for a while. they just slowly stopped responding to my messages as fast, then they just started typing dry, one word replies or acronyms in the replies. even if it was a funny tiktok i thought would start a conversation, or was something about my day that i wanted to share. it hurt more when it was the latter. i dont know why they started losing interest or liking me over the pandemic. i tried to initiate plans, i tried to keep the group chat interesting. but they hung out without me. i knew theyd text without me. i knew i was slowly falling out of the group but i didnt know why. maybe they always found me a annoying or off putting, but they had to put up with me in person. maybe i did something or said something, i just dont know what. i tried to go with the flow and agree. i tried to do stuff i thought theyd like. i wanted to keep my friend group at school. in theatre especially. that defined my place at school, was my friends and theatre. i knew how to act and what to say, what people expected of me and how i preferred to go about it. i held onto it. i miss getting to laugh with them about stupid stuff. i miss being included. at the beginning of spring break i saw them go on a trip together and it made me feel so sad. they know so much that i dont. about making friends and keeping them. about themselves and me. what they think of me. i feel so broken and damaged but honestly i cant figure out exactly what broke me this way. ive always felt like this. ive always looked at other kids and envied their looks, personalities, their friendships. they made it look so easy. i wish there was someone who understood. even if they were just an online friend or a penpal, not even in real life. ive thought for a while i was on the autism spectrum and being in college and absolutely ineffectual at talking to people, having crippling social anxiety and constantly being overstimulated at school has made me think thats probably true. that would explain it, and wrap a nice bow on it. the reason ive always felt *this* way is because im autistic! but i dont really know. people online say its really hard to get diagnosed or get people to listen. my family doesnt really even think i have autism but what do they know about me really. this past week has been super double miserable since im on my period and my emotions have been so up and down. i should just get it. all girls have friends. all girls make friends. its just a given right? maybe not. i wish i could plan it our like a checklist. i cant really itemize or plan friendship. i cant really give a code word or wear a pin to tell other girls like me... hey... im like you. i dont know how to describe what im like. i cant even really explain it to luke. i cnt even really explain it to myself. i know im just tired and making problems for myself. i just want to be a girl other girls like. i wanna be young and simple and pretty and charismatic and cool and sweet. i feel so guilty for not being that. for being like those other girls that do it so well.