maebelline-is-dumb

[maebelline-is-dumb]

the raindrops beat against my windows in a tempest most violent. I sit within the room, upon my bed that’s uncomfortable to get onto but once you’re on it, leaving feels heavy. I shield my ears from the chaotic drumbeats of rain and the pounding of my own heart, loud and coursing. I felt every ounce of blood as it flowed through my fragile body, hoping that one of these throbs would cause something to erupt to mirror the cacophony outside and to cause a splatter upon the canvas that are my sheets, but that never did happen. I just rock myself back and forth waiting for the storm to pass, hoping it will soon.

but with each passing moment, it grew more and more violent, stealing my soul and throwing it around like a game of tennis, shredding it; it doesn’t care though, because as with formless entities in nature, it is brutal and entirely uncaring of what it means to be human. it is here to dictate its will and whomever or whatever comes in its way will face its ruthless wrath.

i will get through this though. it feels like hell and throws me around like the rain against my windows, but i am strong. i just need to sit it out and let my aching heart soothe itself to sleep. i will be fine.

i will be fine.

i will be fine.

i will be fine.

i will be

[maebelline-is-dumb]

#tuberculo sis💅

[maebelline-is-dumb]

full metal alchemist isn't even full metal. he's like, 30% metal at best. shameful

[maebelline-is-dumb]

[maebelline-is-dumb]

made by Fantastic Deviants on YouTube and Instagram

[maebelline-is-dumb]

you beautiful bitch.

Fuck. It’s 6AM on a Sunday. Why am I awake? Time to go back to sleep.

I managed to sleep for the whole day, which is honestly an accomplishment for most people, but not a surprise for me.

But this caused me to get up at 3AM on Monday, yikes. My sleep cycle has been getting worse and worse, which is not good, I need to do something about that. Later, I can’t be arsed to do it now. I got to get to work. I owe Lidl my life for keeping me alive, for providing me with the essence of life. Food. Okay, enough with the drama, I should probably get out of bed first.

Oh boy do I love being a shining beacon, a stellar example, for the word routine. It’s a well-rehearsed act. Done every single day.

“Just… don’t look in the mirror, wipe yourself off, Bea, get dressed, get to the Metro on time, don’t mess it up.” I really don’t need to tell myself this every day, yet here we are. I want to throw that mirror out the window. The last thing I need to see is…

Forget it. White shirt, black skirt, and some rainbow suspenders. I am a fashion queen, so absolutely original, never been done before. Makeup, some basic foundation, blush, lip gloss, and winged eyeliners that my friends are really jealous of but could always be better.

God why do I even try?

 I grab a couple beignets and pain au raisins from Lidl and dash towards the Metro station. I put my earphones in. Isle Unto Thyself by Miracle Musical. Holy shit I love this song. Pacing down the streets, gnawing on my beignets, I get to the Metro station. Down the stairs, past the ticket machine, I bolt down the stairs. One minute left. Not too bad for a Monday.

Waiting for the Metro, I opened the mood tracker app on my phone. Wow, 17 mehs in a row. I mean there have been moments when it got better and worse, but it always manages to balance out. Except Friday. Fuck Friday.

I zoned out on the Metro. I saw her again. She looked perfect. God her fashion sense is impeccable. That beautiful autumn outfit of an orange skirt and mandarin top, red trench coat, and adorable orange beanie with an embroidered fox, all contrasted against the winter blue. Her auburn hair glistened in the busy nightlife. Lydia. She’s a goddess. I hope to see you soon, Lydia, you beautiful bitch.