madmetalmatty-blog

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DKFFL Week 11

Holy fucking shit boys.... 3 weeks left of the regular season with technically 6 playoff spots still up for grabs.  This is so EGGciting !! We are all shocked that Franny and Hawkins have already secured playoffs berths... But the number 1 seed is still up for grabs... 

Litwak and I have a massive matchup this week as we both try to break our respective two game losing streaks... Ricky pulled one right out of his ass last week and his squad is surging at the right time.  You’re finally starting to rid the sewage stench of last season ol boy!  Look at you go...   

Let’s not forget about Mulvaney... I know it’s difficult... Despite having a shitty team, he’s grinding it out, holding on to that last spot by a thread.  His much gayer pledge bro is holding it down towards the top of the standings though... He’s been under some heavy criticism after the dramatic events that occurred at the end of last season... Way to drown out the noise and focus on winning... He won’t let those distractions into the locker room... Unless they are naked boys.  ... Which i guess is what populates most NFL locker rooms... Wow really came full circle there.  

Not sure what this GIF has to do with anything... I’m just a huge fan of figure skating. 

And how about the return of the NICKTATOR!  Making threatening posts on FB... Making threats on the app chat... He’s not someone you want to cross... His hugs are as fierce as his tongues lashings... He’s got a solid chance to make the playoffs this season... This wouldn’t be the DKFFL if Nick wasn’t losing in the first round of the playoffs!  

Boggy, Beard, Covey, Clint, James... You all are on spoiler watch now... have fun trying to fuck over good teams... No need to stress anymore... It’s over now... Soon you will be able to forget all about this season... But unfortunately

For my final note on this weeks preview... It’s a bit of a personal one.  Want to make sure you fuckers are reading these to the end.  I would like to announce that I have impregnated the hell out of my lovely wife.  I’ll be joining the DK Dad’s club sometime in early May!  We were also very surprised to find out...

I’ll be traveling home from Michigan next Sunday so I propose we have a guest chaplin for next week!  Let me know if anyone is interested! 

GO BILLS!

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DK FFL Week 9er

Hey fuckheads!  Been a hot second since I did one of these... I’m sure no one noticed.  I’m going to do something a little different this week though.  DK FFL Game of Thrones edition! If you aren’t familiar with the show then you are a complete loser and should immediately start watching it.  I will be working my was down the league standings and comparing each team to a character from the incredible original HBO series.  If you don’t like this, then you can write up your own chaplain and shove it up your ass.  Also, may be some spoilers ahead if you aren’t fully up to speed on the show.

1st Place - Fournicators

Kevin “Stormborn” Seymour... He’s a little bitch but the fucker has dragons and is currently dominating the league.  Much like Daenerys, he still has fantasies of Khal Drogo... 

2nd Place - Cosby’s Sleepers

Like Arya... Not intimidating at first glance... But sneaky as fuck and dangerous!  A fantasy football assassin.

3rd Place - BORING League

The Littlefinger of the league... always scheming and being a pain in the ass. One thing about Petyr Balesh though, he know how to play the game.  But does anyone really trust that he’ll make it the iron throne?  lol... NOPE!

4th Place - Captain Insano

The Hound of the league!  Unlikely to bring home the championship... Not pretty on the eyes, Sandor Clegan is a complete badass and will cut many of his opponents in half... Except that one time he got his ass kicked by a girl.

5th Place - Kyle

Lord Varys... The dickless Master of whispers... 

6th Place - Fire sale has begun

HODOR... Zero creativity, not much fun to talk to... But he’ll hold the door.  He’s the leagues friendly half wit. 

7th Place - Kareem Pie

HOT PIE... Cowardly and ultimately a very unimportant character. 

8th Place - Witch Hunt

Stannis Baratheon... Cold hearted and dull...No one is rooting for this guy to be king.. 

9th Place - The Pickle Ricks

The child of incest! A cruel and un-honorable little shit... He was the king at one point... But his reign of terror is over. 

10th Place -  Bukkake Bandito 

Theon Greyjoy.... No threat to anyone... Confused most of the time and making poor decisions.  (also lost his penis)

11th Place - Immortalized

Walder Frey... He’s a creepy ass old guy who is extremely unlike-able.

12th place - Rub the Clintoris

Grey Worm... Another character without a penis. 

13th Place - BillsMafia

Good old Ned Stark... honorable but dead as fuck... Hard to be king without a head. 

14 Place - Basement SZN

Sansa Stark.. stupid girl... And the victim of many cruel men.  Spent most of her life being tortured.  

Enjoy the football NERDS!

GO BILLS!

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DKFFL Week 5

It’s fucking Sunday again boys! For most of us, that means nursing a hangover, ignoring wives, and screaming at our TV’s.  BYE weeks are well under way so we are all seeing players in line ups that we’ve never heard of before.  For example, Nyheim Hines... “Who da fuck!?!” is what you may ask yourself... He is the Colts back up back up RB who snagged Captain Insano a solid 16 points on Thursday night.

We are seeing some unprecedented offensive numbers through the first 4 weeks of the NFL... Fantasy owners everywhere rejoice! Except you Boggy... You fucking suck dude.  Don’t worry though, Beard may suck even worse with the lowest points scored so far.  Time to panic!!

Game of the Week:  Insano vs Fournicators

I rarely pick a game of the week that features my team... But I need to take this opportunity to bash Franny... What in the fuck went on at the Seymour household this weekend?!  I saw a picture of Kevin and Teets in some lederhosen and tight suspenders rocking giants mugs of Riesling... Only thing impressive about the picture was the size of Kevin’s cameltoe.. WOW! 

Let’s get down to business... I’m looking to knock boy wonder down a peg as he miraculously sits in 1st place.  Rivers and Stafford should both have some good numbers... TE’s will be competitive with Ertz and Cook going at it... Slight edge to Seymour in RB department but I think I’ll take the WIN as it comes down to the WR’s.  Tyreek may have a tough day in bad weather playing that loud mouth Jags D... Could come down to which Steeler receiver will have the better game, JuJu or AB?? I’ve also got Marvin Jones Jr.  who eats Packers for breakfast.  Strap in Seymour, gonna be a tight buttholes all day.... Don’t get excited bro, I said strap in NOT strap on.  

Week 5 PREDICTIONS:

Kareempie over KYLE (lamest dude in the league)

Pickle Tickle tops BillsMafia (please retire from fantasy sports)

Shitswak beats Richard (you may want to start a TE dude...)

Witch Punt over Panic Mode 

KMarsh beats Mortal as fuck (please god let Covey’s phone break today!)

BORING League guy over Height Complex (Mahomes is overrated LOL)

“Ba-deep ba-deep ba-deep... That’s all folks!”

GO BILLS!!!

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DKFFL Week 4

Hello fuckers! It’s week 4 already?! Apparently I missed weeks 2 and 3.. So I should eat shit and die.  BUT... I’m not going to do that because I’ve got too much to live for and my poop eating days are OVER!  Also, I’m fucking 3-0 and in first place... Feels so good.  

Now that we have three weeks under the belt... We can start to see who is good, who is lucky, and who is down right bad.

THE GOOD

This really hurts to say this.... Kevin and KMarsh seem to have the two best squads in the league.  I’m facing Marshie this week and I got a Thielen I’m gonna lose.  That Thursday Night game was fantasy owner boner central... Unless you’re “Little Dick” Nick and left GOFF on your bench.  What a Gofful decision!  Seymour is due to win a bunch of games this year, especially if Fournette ever plays again... It’s a hamstring dude! Quit being a little bitch! I hate that your teams are good.  Ricky and James get honorable mention... 

THE LUCKY

This is currently where Litwak and myself reside.  While are records are good so far, and our teams points scored are upper half of the league... Our teams aren’t real inspiring on paper.  But like seasoned pro’s... we know how to work a waiver wire and we tend to make good decisions!! (hey Mikey... just a heads up, you are currently rostering two kickers and have a QB starting that’s on BYE).  

THE UGLY

It’s already getting ugly for a few teams in this league.  Beard... Come on dude... You’re supposed to know you sports shit !  Your not supposed to suck at this... And Hawkins... Desperation is a stinky cologne.  You two shlubs are down at the bottom trading hot garbage for trash.  You guys will be checked out by Halloween... On a side note Hawk, looks like the Chiefs are set up to go deep!  Has anyone heard Patrick Mahommes speak yet?! The voice is not what you expect lol... Ok, now back to the ugly... Incredibly, there is one below you both... A straight up swamp monster... So disgusting and foul... BOGGGGGYYY is getting soggy down at the bottom.  Remember when I made fun of you on week 1 preview about how bad you drafted?... It’s much worse than I thought.  You seriously starting Josh Allen this week? haha... I love it... but bold strategy cotton.  They are playing the Packers, should be an easy one for our Bills! Strap in though Boggy, it’s gonna be a long and bumpy ride.  Is it too early to get your dress size? 

For the rest of you not mentioned... You are currently in the BAD section... You’re not good, your not very lucky, but you aren’t completely fucked yet!  So you’re all sitting in this range.  This area is populated heavily by members of Spring 2006, one shitty commissioner, and the only guy in the league with varicose veins. 

So pop some brewski’s, eat like it’s your last meal, and enjoy your football Sunday!  Make sure to interject some shit talking into Yahoo app. 

GO BILLS!!!!!!!

[madmetalmatty-blog]

2018 DKFFL Season Preview

“Ooooo baby baby... baby baby... Salt N Pepa’s here!!”

PSYCHE! It’s actually not the popular 90′s female rap group Salt N Pepa... It’s just your league Chaplin Matt Robb... And I’m here ready to rip open some fresh new assholes.  I’m coming off my best season yet in the DKFFL with a 2nd place finish... (fuck you Leveon).  You better believe I’m coming back this season with a fiery passion (similar to my poops).  There will be plenty of confidence in this conviction... For the rest of you LOSERS, it’s a brand new season to underachieve and make horrible decisions... Let’s get started with a breakdown of how horrible you all drafted in my 2018 Season Preview.  I should be getting paid for this!!

The Pickle Ricks 

We should all be ashamed of ourselves that we allowed this fucker to win the league last year... He doesn’t even watch football! It’s impossible to find time on Sunday’s when you’re busy playing Pokemon during the day and trying to catch real life Fairies at night.  Everyone knows they only come out during a Blood Moon dude... Anyways, this little troll is trying to set up for a repeat and I don’t even see him making the playoffs...  He’s rocking Kamara as an RB1 which is solid but McCoy is gonna be a real risky bet in what is sure to be a putrid Buffalo Bills offense.  Oh, and there is that whole under investigation thing because he hired someone to beat the hell out of his girl... BE A MAN MCCOY!.. and do it yourself!!  Boom or mostly bust WR’s in Cooks and Watkins... And taking a flier on Luck who is QBing a talent-less Colts squad... Don’t worry though! Gronk will be healthy for at least 6 games this year.  

Marshie 

That is one clever team name bud! Can we re-vote on relegation punishment just so there is a chance that KMarsh could be out of league for a season?? JK dude, it’s pretty much like that already... Your teams are rarely relevant and your participation in smack talk is NONE... Saquon is gonna have to put this giant trash barrel of a team on his back in order for you to have any success this year.  You best hope little Kirky Cousins likes Thielen more than Diggs... Oh, and don’t be a stranger dude... feel like I haven’t seen you in FOREVER... Let us know when your testicles come back!!

Injured Reserve

**chirp...**chirp... What’s that I hear?? It’s a little Beardy chirping in my ear from way way down in the standings... It’s sometimes hard to hear you way down there and also because I mostly tune you out.  You’ve been a great addition to the league though... Spewing out word vomit and at least mixing things up... Every league needs a clown... and maybe you can one day dethrone Seymour.  If you could dislodge yourself from Stubbz’ giant ass crack, you might actually be able to draft a decent team.... Yet again, it looks like you couldn’t find the exit.  Unfortunately for all of us, we will have to spend the next 7 weeks listening to your whining and excuses because Bell won’t play until November.  Guess you shouldn’t have drafted him??  I’m sure Matt Breida can make up all those lost points... 

Boring League

Well well well... If it isn’t Mr. Critical.  During our live draft video conference, I was getting ready to tell one of you guys to shut your toddler up and then realized it was just Hawkins bitching about how I’m drafting my team.  You think you are so good at fantasy football... Well I got a news flash for you Walter Kronkite... YOU AREN’T! This fucking guy is pushing so hard to make this a dynasty/keeper league because he knows he cannot WIN in the redraft format.  I smell your fear and it smells like body odor with a side of fried bologna.  You should have spent less time criticizing and more time focusing on drafting a WR.  Gurley and Watson are scary, but you got nothing else... Couldn’t be happier playing you Week 1... It’s gonna be a fucking bloodbath!

BillsMafia

Boggy... What the hell happened dude... Did you have a seizure during the draft?  There is no way you can feel good about the upcoming season.  Drafting the super overrated Jimmy G. and two Vikings starters?? Never go full retard.  I’m gonna take it easy on you though because the Buffalo Bills will be torturing you enough this week.  

Cosby’s Sleepers

He’s feisty, over confident, fake sophisticated, and he’s rocking buckles on them shoes! He’s Litwak!!.... He’s the only in this league that could make it on a reality show.  You had a decent draft bud but don’t let it go to your head... Who am I kidding, it’s already there... I could see this squad penetrating deep into the playoffs though with a stellar set of WR’s in OBJ and Adams along with Ajayi as an RB1... And who else would you have at QB other than baby boy Cam?? Haven’t you had him the last 5 years? See you in the playoffs bruh... 

Immortalized

Soooooo.... like..... What’s your deal Covey? Did you eat paint chips as a kid or something? Maybe live too close to power lines? If I was the commissioner I’d ban you from posting messages on FB group page... It’s really difficult to decipher your senseless ramblings. So besides that one year where you were dead last and had to wear a dress, you seem to have a consistently competitive team.  Solid one two punch with Zeke and Henry but I don’t see you getting anything out of that FLEX spot.  I could see you stumbling ass backwards into the playoffs.  I remember dude, when the Milwaukee Bests start flowing... Put down the facebook app for all our sake!

Fournicators

Now that Seymour is drafting his own team again (except for those couple picks where he forgot how to use a computer) we can all rest assured he’ll be no where near the playoffs.  He’s got limp dicked, noddle armed, Rivers throwing ducks all over the field and one of the most brittle TE’s to ever play in the NFL.  I’m sure Jarvis will catch 15 passes for 30 yards a game though... He ain’t blessin shit... If only you could cheat in fantasy like you do on the golf course!! No matter how many hacks and wacks he takes to get to the green, his first putt is always a PAR putt!  Your swing is as ugly as your fantasy team... STAY WOKE!

Rub the Clintoris & Witch Hunt

DOUBLE WHAMMMY!! Clint and Andrew’s teams are so bad I had to combine them to make one decent team.  I also did it for them... I mean Clint is the tiny white Whitney Houston to Andrews brooding Kevin Costner (it’s a reference to the movie The Bodyguard for all you young-in’s)... So who makes the line up decisions? Who makes moves on the waiver wire?  I’m sure you guys will figure it out.  Mulvaney contributes with Crabtree and D. Freeman... While Clint offers Melvin Gordon and Keenan Allen...WAIT!! Pinto.... What if the Chargers have a bad game?? That’s a guaranteed L for you... and a guaranteed LOL from me! And I thought you knew how to fantasy football... 

Kareempie

Let me just start by saying, great team name dude... Actually pretty witty in my opinion.. And also fitting.  Hypothetically, if all of our fantasy football teams were having an orgy, your team would be taking all the loads... Hot loads of points being scored on you from every direction.  But you may have the revenge money shot lined up if “Flash” Gordon can actually stay on the field this year.  You’ve got some strengths at half of your positions... I’m predicting an early finish for Stubbz...Some would even say premature... (people don’t forget). 

BoppyLongStocks

Rick Owl... You actually have a well rounded team... Not Great.. But not terrible... And that might just get you into the playoffs in this league.  After spending much of last season a complete train wreck, I’m sure you’ll be happy to be 1% less worse.. You truly are the night shift scum of our league... Sorry dude... this is the point in the write up where I start running out of fucks to give... There will be plenty of opportunities to trash you throughout the season though!

Kyle

Fix your team name pussy boy... You don’t deserve a preview... You’re worse than the Lannisters... At least they pay their debts! I noticed you couldn’t show your face during the draft... wise choice.  Was it just because you couldn’t find a dress you liked?  You’re a disgrace! ... Ok... With that out of the way... Nice draft man... I think you’ve got a solid team and your gonna do big things this year.  Best of luck to you sir.  

Whhhheeeeewwww.... That was a lot... I need a beer and a blowjob now... 

Look forward to another season with you goobers.

GO BILLS!   

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DKFFL Week 13

It’s going to be a hell of a week boys! Time flies when your enduring fantasy football misery... Another regular season is about to be in the bag and it’s been a wild one.  Most of the teams are jockeying for positioning while there may be one or two more playoff spots up for grabs... But I can’t make heads or tails of anything because our dipshit commissioner decided that H2H was the best way to break a tie.  Points For are always the best way to determine who is the deserving team not what happened back in week 8 when half your team was on BYE.  Collectively we are all at fault for not changing this seasons ago or putting forth a motion to impeach El Juan... JK Nick, don’t get all sentimental on me, you’ve been perfectly mediocre as the commish of the league... Enjoy fucking the floor this Sunday!  Let’s look at some matchups for the week and try to determine who will be extending their fantasy season to Week 14!  

Ricky gets a chance to play major spoiler to his hometown boy Beardy... If Beard loses and Seymour wins, then Kevin is in... BUT... Sean is already out to a decent start with 33 points from Alfred and the extremely overrated Dak Prescott.  Beard probably takes a hit at TE as Eli is out for the talented Geno Smith... All you can do is hope a Giants teammate decides to knock that bitch out again right before kickoff.  Dicky’s team has been pretty solid as of late, unfortunately it took 10 weeks for them to get there... Tough matchup for Wilson against a tenacious Eagles D... Seymour will be watching this matchup closer than Ricky will LOL.... Go get em Tigers! (that’s the Hudson Falls mascot and both these guys went to High School there, so that’s why that’s witty and you should laugh now).  

  Also... just got live footage of Seymour trying to get into playoffs this week!..

Litwaks team.. So hot right now.. 

Another match up could have some major implications... Clint vs Boggy... The no luck team vs. the luckiest team in the league... This is where shit gets messy.. If Boggy wins, then he’s IN... BUT, if he loses, then Clint would take his spot unless Beard loses?? What happens if I lose?  See... this is what I’m talking about Nick... What the fuck!  Either way, Boggy is fielding the better squad so he should be able to get it done... Don’t finish like our beloved Bills..

I also will have the joy of cementing Kyle in a beautiful dress this week!  I will make sure this happens for you Mrs. Lanning... It’s going to be disgusting... going to see a 20% increase in vomiting at the house during that Alumni Weekend.

 As for the rest of us... We are either already in the dance or so far out that no shits have been given... Also, no of us playoff contenders want anything to do with Covey’s squad... Holy shit... 

See most of you soon at Kete’s wedding! Not looking forward to hearing all your bitching about your fantasy teams but I guess that’s just part of the game. 

To those out of playoff contention... Sorry about your luck and your inability to play fantasy football.  Try again next year?!  The rest of us are on our way to the playoffs!  

GO BILLS!!!!!

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DKFFL Week 8

Clearly I need to make sure I post these because I opened up the floor to you nerds last week and got nothing!! I mean I’ve seen better ball busting at church and I’ve only been to church like twice in my life.  I expected better from a group of guys that used to take pride in their ability to verbally assault and tear down his fellow man/woman.  Maybe old age and children have made many of you weak... A league full of Phillip Rivers’... Anyways, it’s the half way point of the season and the beatings will continue until morale improves!  

Big changes since last week... My Rightful Squat is sitting in first for at least one week and I’m sure it took 100% brain power of Hoggtown U.S.A to come up with that very witty team name.  Let’s see if this bologna pony will ride into the playoffs.  

On the other end of the spectrum, Lanning is inching closer to his dream!  He’s always wanted to wear a magnificent dress and now he’ll have a reason!  You’ll be the prettiest girl at the ball.  Lot’s of season left, so make sure you keep sucking!

Where the fuck did little Seymo-mo go?  Haven’t heard a peep from him lately.. Might be because his fantasy team is in a free fall.... Not so fun when you draft your own team eh?!  Watch out for Ricky everyone! He’s crawling out of the sewer but he’s still covered in rotten shit... And how about Beardo!  Guy is going into full panic mode trying to trade with anyone and everyone... Take a deep breath and really look at your squad... You ain’t fixing that bud!! Maybe you can call Stubbly up and see if he can share any advanced statistics and special data that none of us peons have access too.  Get ready to get smoked this weekend commish... There is blood in the water!  Also, Clint had been the lucky bitch of the season eeeeking out wins with a straight garbage line up.  Congrats on your luck...

This fucking GIF generator isn’t working ! WTF... 

Game of the Week: Covey vs Jimmy

James is looking to avoid a 2 week skid against the skid mark making machine!  Covey tried to talk some shit on the FB page and failed miserably then thing got very real and awkward so I just backed right up out of there! Keep real life up out of my fantasy football... Anyways, should be a solid match-up.... James has Bell who is just beasting the fuck out every week and Covey is dancing with Antonio Brown Town every week in the end zone.  Which Steeler will feast more against the Lions on Sunday night?... I’m hoping neither.   I see James sneaking out with a win after Gronk goes full terminator on a weak Chargers secondary.  Although Cam is a fucking liability at QB... Dude is a baby back bitch pouting and walking out of press conferences and also just generally sucking at footballing right now.  Hope he gets concussed for acting like a 10 year old.  

Enjoy week 8 you dirty little skanks... I’ll put more effort into these when I start to care again... Could be a few more weeks!

GO BILLS!!

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DKFFL Week 6

What’s up men!?  I’ve been ousted out of my home today so my new wife can throw my sister a baby shower... I swear they are actively trying to ruin my Sunday football experience.  So i’m sitting in a Starbucks right now raging out to some brand new August Burns Red and I’m only a few nasty riffs away from turning this bitch into a mosh pit!! 

Ok, let’s get to the reason we are all here... fantasy football... One of the greatest yet most infuriating creations of the 21st Century.  What else can bring so much joy yet so much pain? It’s week 6 and there are lots of injuries and unpredictable shit going on all over the NFL.  You bottom feeders hang in there... Still a good chunk of season left.  James, Hawkins, Myself, and Litwak look down on you filth from high upon a mountain of success... It’s great up here... Free craft beers, naked supermodels, and all you can eat chicken wings.  We must be cautious though, still plenty of season left for us take a nasty tumble to the bottom. 

In the interest of time... I will not be breaking down match-ups this week but instead summing up each teams performance (to this point) with the most appropriate GIF I can find hiding away in the bowels of the internet.  Good luck to me! I hope everyone else ties this week... that should fuck up the standings real good. 

1st Place - The Pickle Ricks (James)

2nd Place - Best $6.25 Ever (Hawk)

3rd Place - Concussion Protocol (ME motherfuckers!)

4th Place - Cosby’s Sleepers (Litwak)

5th Place - Injured Reserve (BeardO)

6th Place - You’re Welcome (Stubbz)

7th Place - NO PINK DRESS HERE (Covey)

8th Place - Marshie

9th Place - Rub the Clintoris 

10th Place - Fake News (Andrew)

11th Place - Bills Mafia (Boggy)

12th Place - Bye Week (Kevin)

13th Place - My Johnson’s Broken (Lanning)

14th Place - Can’t Stop a Hoodrat (Ricky)

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DKFFL Week 2

What’s up pigs!? Another Sunday is here and I’m ready to start slaying!  I get married next weekend but it’s not going to stop me from cramming junk food and Budweiser in my gut until I feel sick.  I’m feeling like a fucking boss with a solid win to start the season...

Week 1 is in the books and while some teams are already making some noise, others are spitting out hot shower farts.  It was a low scoring week with 6 teams in the league failing to score 100 points (3 of those couldn’t break 80 points).... We know who you are, and we’ve been laughing at you all.  Y’all must be disgusted.  

Commissioner Rosie is off to the best start with a Win and also scoring the most points.  I know, we are all pissed off about it... But remember.. This is Stubbz we are talking about... Blowing loads way too early is what he does best! It’s all downhill from here big dog. 

A lot of season left boys... No reason to overreact.. Ricky.... RICKY!! ... Ricky comes out dropping 75% his budget on Tarik Cohen and Tyrod Taylor.  I love Tyrod man... but you seriously could have just picked him up for free.  You’re gonna need to call JG Wentworth... It’s your money and you need it NOW!

CALL 877-CASH-NOW

Covey suffered the roughest loss of the week losing to John Wick by only 2 points.  Better get your prostate checked... that has nothing to do with fantasy football, I’m just concerned about your health because you’re getting to be that age. 

Shitwak had a long fall from a top his fantasy high horse... You were so pumped about Zeke dodging his suspension that you forgot about the rest of the team!  But who cares, you might be able to ride that little woman beating Ewok all the way to the playoffs!!

Fuck it boys...Last week is over... Stop crying in your beer, grab your sac, and get moving forward to your next huge embarrassing failure.  

Week 2: Game of the Week

Needle Dick (Seymour) vs Broke (Running) Back Mountain (Lanning)

It’s a pivotal week for both of these cum gargling shit zippers... Tough opening week losses last week for both teams.  Really could be a make or break game already.  Clearly Kyle has sold his soul to become a lawyer and the price is losing the number 1 pick for most of the season.  BRUTAL!  But let’s breakdown the match up in what should be a close game.  

QB - Two of the best in the NFL are in for a showdown.. Rodgers and Matty Ice square off for Sunday Night Football.  I’m gonna give the nod to Kyle here, as Rodgers exacts revenge from that playoff loss last season. 

RB - Nod to SeaWhore here with Freeman and Ty Montgomery.. Kyle, your RB’s are trash... It’s like your missing a player. If only football players were as tough as hockey players... DJ would be back out there running!

WR - Pop n Lock gets the edge with Sammy and Kelvin.. We’ll see if D Parker will finally step up and become the #1 Miami is hoping for... 

TE - Lanning takes this one with target machine Jordan Reed dominating a very inflated Rams defense.  

Unlike their buttholes... This one will be tight!

Needle Dick with a down to the wire win 137 to 132.

Week 2 Predictions:

Protocol destroys the Matrix - 140 to 105

Premature Ejaculator over Bankrupt Hoodrat - 128 to 89

McLovin beats Jeepers Creepers - 119 to 114

Oscar Meyer Man over Wet Sloppy Marsh - 110 - 93

Hard Part edges out Safety C - 125 to 123

Mafia over Cum Bubbles  - 115 to 106

Good luck, fuck you, and GO BILLS!!

[madmetalmatty-blog]

DKFFL Week 1

“Oooooo that smell... Can’t you smell that smell!”

No... It’s not Covey (you look like a stinky fella).. it’s football season and it’s in the air all around us!  It’s finally Week 1... I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve been rocking a half chub all week.  So the format of these posts will include a brief recap of the previous week and a preview of the current weeks match-ups.  If this is too complicated for you, “Just ring your bell and I’ll have Tommy come over and hit you over the head with a hammer because you are a REETARD!” 

I’ve given you all new team names because your current ones seriously lack creativity.  Time to preview Week 1 match-ups.  So light a candle, grab a tube of lube, and assume the position... 

Concussion Protocol (Me) vs. Nantucket Caveman (Hawkins)

Big shout out to Hurricane Irma!  Took Hawks best receiver out of play this week... Not that it would have mattered as 3 of his starters combined for whopping 23.5 points!  Brady to Hogan looked like shit last night but your Chiefs got there shit together in the second half!  I didn’t know Alex Smith could throw a ball over 20 yards! But I am disappointed in our self proclaimed football expert/fraudulent baller... I know you want to make the league more expensive for us peasants to play in but you are really losing some respect when it comes to fantasy football.  I see Martavis (black guys names these days, am i right!?) and Ertz taking you to pound town this weekend.  I know Hawk is feeling confident with Crypt Keeper Frank Gore in the FLEX spot... Sorry, but your done son!

Prediction:  Matt Robb wins 134 to 89

Rosie O’Donnell (Nick) vs. Eternal New Jack (Boggy)

Libtard Nick came flying out of the gates last night with Kareem Hunt!... Wait, who the fuck is that guy?! Nothing sucks more than when our League’s Roger Goodell scores a lot of points... but it happened... And now Boggy’s shitty ass team is going to have to play out of their minds.  Maybe he’ll get lucky and Rivers will throw 18 interceptions.. Dude looks like he is shot putting every time he throws.  Go make another baby you geriatric fuck! I’m talk about Rivers, not you Stubbz... 

Prediction:  Rosie wins 142 to 116

Dry Dick Fic (Ricky) vs. Terd Kernel (Clint)

Although most of us in here take bigger shits than Clint’s actual size... It can’t be denied that he has been a perennial playoff contender... And we haven’t seen much from Ricky other than the fact that he has no clue what the fuck he is doing.  Tyreek has Ricky off to a good start this week which he will need as he is starting private detective Jack Doyle and AARP AP.  Meanwhile, on the very small island of Clintoris, a state of emergency has been declared for Hurricane Irma... No J. Winston for you this week!  I don’t see either team breaking 100.  

Prediction:  Dicky 99.8 to 94.5

I CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE (Litwak) vs. Mermanator (Beard) 

Prepare for some lame shit talking between this two... Don’t expect either team to back it up.  Litwak is coming in hot with a lackluster receiving corps and a weaponless Breesus Christ himself..Nice stream with Buffalo D this week though! And I do like the two TE play... I mean who isn’t a fan of a nice Tight End.. HAHA Am i right boys or am i right?!?!  Beard went with some risk at RB with Lynch and Perkins but has Mariota who should be in for a shootout with tha RAAAIIIDDEEERRRRSSS.  

 Prediction:  Litwak wins scoring his average golf score.. 120 to 111

Cock Goblin (James) vs. Stork II (Kevin)

Here is a sad fucking matchup if I’ve ever seen one... Kevin limping in all butt hurt about not being nominated for a position he feels he created vs a straight up creature feature.  I mean if Creep spent as much time researching fantasy football as he did trying to annoy people with shitty ass music, he’d be a lock for the championship every year.  Every time I see a RAVE, i want to drive a tractor trailer through it... Straight up mass murder.  Which is probably what Seymour’s team will do to Creep this week .  Gronk did get James a stellar 5.3 points last night though! Way to go... And side note, you’re all lucky Seymour isn’t writing this to bedazzle you with is 2nd grade level comedic genius.  Guy loves talking about two dicks touching... A little weird. And I leave with footage of James performing Kevin’s dance moves... 

Prediction:  Seymour slaughters 135 to 104

2 Fast 2 Bi-Curious (Lanning) vs.Vaginal Fart (KMarsh)

Kyle Bowl aka Irrelevant Bowl... Congrats to Kmarsh for winning the League last year and for getting wifey’s approval to play again this year! Great to have you here for another season!  As for Lanning, I sort of forget you are in this league... It’s not my fault, there are like 14 teams and i can’t keep track of all the shitty ones.  Lanning could be in for a great season with David Johnson and Aaron Rodgers... He just needs to start focusing on the players themselves instead of what’s in their pants.  KMarsh is rocking out with Beckham and Baldwin... We’ll have to wait and see what little Kirky can do for you at QB though.  Overall assessment... Shit’s weak, wizzzzeeaaaaakkk!

    Prediction:  Lanning wins 139 to 109

Robot (Mulvaney) vs Lot Lizard (Covey)

Gotta hand it to Covey, he can still find time to set his lineup each week between driving from state to state sucking off dirty truckers.  He’s like a boston creme doughnut only the creme is trucker jizz... And the chocolate frosting is poop... Don’t know why, but I feel like you’ve had adult poop on you before.  He’s up against Andrew who is like a slightly more fun Matt Lynn... Only two modes with Andrew.. Emotionless or extreme rage.  I’ve had more interesting conversations with my dog.  She is a goldendoodle though... Super smart breed so don’t feel bad about it.  Both your teams are pretty bad... I know they haven’t played any games yet... but they still seem really bad on paper.  Believe me, I know what I’m talking about... I’ve been in this league for 3 years and have yet to make the playoffs.  This matchup will come down to receivers.  That’s some lame analysis right there!! It’s just so hard to care at this point of the write up.  

Prediction:  Andrew pulls and sprays all over Covey 142 to 105 (that’s a win in Covey’s world)

That’s it for week 1.. I hope i hurt some feelings and if you don’t like what I’ve written here today... TOO FUCKING BAD.  

GO BILLS!!