madhatt3rteaparty

[madhatt3rteaparty]

this is your sign to start reading nonfiction books on topics that interest you so you can be grossly overeducated and make the people who hate you feel stupid

[madhatt3rteaparty]

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[madhatt3rteaparty]

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[madhatt3rteaparty]

September is Suicide Prevention and Awareness month.

Suicide.

The word is hard to hear, and hard to see.

Even harder to experience.

It’s like “don’t talk about that”

It’s death and not something to discuss many say. Or will talking about it make it worse? Or could it make it better?

Everyone has their thoughts on it. There’s people who don’t understand. “How selfish could they be?” or “I’d never do that”

And there’s people who experience thoughts. Maybe the thoughts might say that “I’m a burden”, “people would forget about me in a week I’m no big deal”, “the world is a better place without me in it”, or “I feel like I’m going to explode I cannot go on, It’s too hard” etc. 

Mental illness is not logical. 

You might have a broken leg and you try to stand on it, you fall. Imagine someone saying “Just walk on it, you’ll be fine!”

Illness is not just the flu or broken legs. Illness is not just physical. Sometimes when it’s in your head it’s even harder, because you can’t see it. Yeah, actually there are differences in the brain if you look at brain scans, but you don’t treat it the same way as a physical problem.

I had a suicide attempt. Well more than one attempt. The first time I thought about dying I was 12 years old. I was really sad, but I couldn’t talk about it. I had to be smiling all the time. 

I attempted multiple times as a teen, I spent 5 days in the ICU as an adult. You’d think once you almost die and you realize life is important and your family loves you and needs you it’d never happen again. You’d think. I’m okay now though you say. I even believe it, my depression won’t get that bad again. Not everyone's the same though. Mine fluctuates, others don’t.

Mental illness isn’t always logical and can present differently in different people. Not every physical illness is the same either. 

I can believe others and want to live, but then the thoughts come back “I’m a burden” I can’t go on ""they wouldn’t miss me” The thoughts become louder and truer than their voices. 

You know what.. I’ve had to go back to the hospital because of the thoughts. 

Because I couldn’t trust myself they were just getting louder and I needed more help. 

I’ve taken meds and gone to therapy. 

Suicide isn’t a bad word its death, it’s dying from depression. Depression is the killer, not the person themselves. 

This is where I start talking about hope. Yeah it’s real but it’s not just a magical miracle. Maybe for some people. They pray or go outside and it goes away. Maybe like less than 1%

Don’t quote me on that. I’m glad there are people who don’t struggle again. 

But hope is from the people you love being there, it's reminding yourself to be there for you if you can or for others. It’s finding whatever it is in yourself to get help, when that’s not enough, get more help. 

It’s when you’re crying in your room upset, calling your therapist because they know the right things to say. It's throwing ice on the patio, whatever you can do to get yourself regulated. 

It's sobbing and knowing it's okay to do that. 

It’s cold or hot showers, music, yelling in your pillow. Petting all the dogs and cats.

It’s sometimes saying “why does it have to be today, I can wait till tomorrow. And repeating that tomorrow. “Why today, I can wait till tomorrow”

It’s not keeping silent. If other people are worth it, maybe I am worth it too. I will  not be a statistic.

[madhatt3rteaparty]

Thoughts running in my head tonight

I must seek guidance on every need.

But sometimes I rebel in little ways

But I cannot use food to control my life, 

If I do then the people in my life control me more

This is the cycle. I feel like there’s nothing to do

But recovery or else I lose even more.

What would happen if I scratched myself, 

I would be found out

How to rebel in positive ways?

Take care of myself and show them hah.

Maybe to show the voices I don’t care.

It’s not the same but I can pretend.

Or maybe I just pretend this is all a video game or i'm in a foreign land, 

I can find ghosts in the closet of our bedroom, nature outside on the trail.

And we got D&D tomorrow, it’s like a game within a game.

With all this to do I’ll be okay

Be happy because I’ll find more adventure soon

but make the most of each moment today.

Tomorrow will be soon.

[madhatt3rteaparty]

The Neighbor

I’m hiding

From the girl next door

She doesn’t really live next door anymore

She does sometimes

It’s a bit much to explain in a poem

I’m not hiding because I hate her

She’s fine I suppose

I kind of feel bad for her

But she likes to drag people into her drama

My life can do without all the drama

So I’m not going to go outside tonight

I’ll stay in my room inside

[madhatt3rteaparty]

me_irl

[madhatt3rteaparty]

No matter how much I sleep I’m always tired

[madhatt3rteaparty]

This is my thinspo rn I wanna do that without worrying about breaking stuff

[madhatt3rteaparty]

could you love me while i hate myself ?

[madhatt3rteaparty]

[madhatt3rteaparty]

[madhatt3rteaparty]

Idc how many calories it burns you will never catch me having a cold shower..

[madhatt3rteaparty]

My mental health is bad but I like purple

[madhatt3rteaparty]

I know literally nothing about any band so i'm always in situations where I say "oh this song sounds cool" and someone's like "um the leader of that band literally stabbed his sister?? wtf" BITCH HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW.

[madhatt3rteaparty]

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[madhatt3rteaparty]