madebyjen

[madebyjen]

so true 

Just a quick not friendly reminder: someone who has apologized for past mistakes, made amends for past actions, and clearly no longer holds past beliefs, is a far better person than one who digs up old dirt and uses a person's past that no longer exists against them.

[madebyjen]

A monologue to 2022

I always knew what I was supposed to do when it came to life, go to school, be a responsible person, keep to yourself, and most importantly graduate college and get a job teaching. Yet the year 2017 meant the start of high school and a series of events I used to wish would end. 2018 I felt blinded by a narrative of pressure and searching for something that made sense. I didn’t know who this new person was, or why I was doing what I was doing. However I, being stubborn, would struggle back and forth with this inner battle of going back to who I was, which many wanted or embracing this new person I was, which the people I was surrounded by at the time wanted. 2019 was quite honestly a blur, I was on the edge of a precipice into a very frightening abyss. Telling myself I had it all under control, I clung even tighter to the little bit of sanity I had left, the little bit of control I found in my vices. In the end, it didn’t matter how tight I held on or what I wanted, because 2020 would knock the wind out of me. It felt as if I blinked and there I was laying on the floor of the entrance of my home staring at the ceiling, in an empty house. Growing up I thought I knew low, I thought I beat the odds of the stats about abused children, that I was just fine. I hated terms like survivor and victim because even then I refused to acknowledge what I really was. 2020 taught me low, real low, the reality that I had finally shattered and I couldn’t find a single piece from the fall. Even if the world hadn’t fallen apart with me alongside it, it was bound to happen. I had truly disappeared. 2021 I remembered I liked to do art, the feeling of wind on my face, and learned to say the word survivor without feeling like a fraud. I learned how to get up again, how to be a version of myself I was at peace with. School was still all I had until it wasn’t. Letting people in again was terrifying and like life I blinked and they were already in. Only it brought a different smell to my home, a different light, and I stopped thinking about what could go wrong. I just let myself find out. 2022 is coming to a close and I feel a bittersweet goodbye. I learned and experienced a lot. I learned that drinking water and properly sleeping can solve a lot of things. I learned that maybe the boy who put gum in your hair in math class didn’t really do it out of malice but just out of sheer dumbness. I learned that the boy I found interesting and annoying all at once, and had forgotten would come back and further hold my interest and annoy me all at once again. I learned that school and being a responsible person are nice attainable goals, but sticking to a spreadsheet and hiding in the pages of books isn't a life. I may have always known what I was supposed to do with my life, but I feel as if I’m finally learning how to live it. I can honestly say for the first time in my life I have experienced a year of peace. It wasn’t a perpetual state of euphoric bliss, but if it was then it wouldn’t be real. It wouldn’t make the days of actual bliss matter. I learned that I can talk entirely too much or not enough. I learned that maybe instead of running from the things I wish to hide from, to instead embrace them a little bit more gently because I like to believe that everything that has happened from 2017 to now has allowed me to get to where I got this year. To think if I went back and did things differently that perhaps I wouldn’t experience things with the people I did this year, maybe it was better, maybe it was worse, all I know is I’m happy with the person I’m becoming and the life I’m starting. So while this may be saddening to know these moments have already been lived, for once, I can’t wait for what 2023 has in store for me.

[madebyjen]

I MISS MY PINK NINTENDO DS

[madebyjen]

Love is a dagger that takes two pairs hands to operate. Yours enclosed around mine, wrapped around the hilt before plunging it into my heart and twisting, together.

[madebyjen]

pretty sure i could romanticise anything, i am deeply delusional.

[madebyjen]

[madebyjen]

Always help someone. you might be the only one that does.

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