maddithecurlyfry

[maddithecurlyfry]

8/28/23 -- 8/30/23

Hmm. It's the first day of my last year of college... and I couldn't help but think about how much I wish I wasn't in school.

I'm tired.

This school shit is stupid. Ugh.

Well, too bad I guess.

I have been so up and down it's crazy. Right now, I'm doing pretty well, which is good. A week ago I was not doing well.

Last week, R wanted space from me and

--

I am SOOOOOO scatterbrained since starting school. Today was better than the other day which is nice. I was really not looking forward to this semester, but today made me feel better. I was able to do the damn thing this morning at my own pace, which is what I think I needed. I have therapy tomorrow and I am so happy I do. I had one last week which was spent on talking about me and R. Now I can talk about school and how to set myself up for success.

I was also having a compliance issue with my medication which has solved itself since then. I have been good about taking my meds since the wake up call.

[maddithecurlyfry]

2/25/23

Hi, again. I feel like absolute crap. I came home this morning and have not felt very loved. I had one moment with my dad when he bought us some baseball cards, but he didn't make it an us activity. Whereas now he is cooking with my sister and her girlfriend.

Everything is about my sister these days. It hurts me when I get absolutely nothing. I've been left to myself all day. Yes, I could have inserted myself into situations, but I also want to be desired. I'm sure my mom will get onto me for not jumping in and helping in the backyard, but I also was not asked. I said I was available to help but then was never asked to help. Rude. Ugh. I don't know.

I just don't feel very loved. It's only going to get worse once Spring Break comes around. Ugh.

I don't even want to be here anymore. Coming home is so exhausting. I'm trying to use writing as a distraction, but I can't do that in the same room as the cooking is going on. It hurts too much.

[maddithecurlyfry]

01/12/23

Happy first post of the new year! School started yesterday and I feel generally optimistic about it! I'm currently in between classes. I got out super early from my first class since it's syllabus day, so I decided I'd take the time to write some.

Yesterday I was able to write a whole 400 word fic in one sitting. It was really nice because my girlfriend was cooking me dinner so I decided to use that time to write since I felt like I needed to do something. It felt so domestic I loved it. We just hit our two months the other day which is so cool. She just supports me in a way I have never felt before. She is super supportive of the mini fanfic career I've started for myself.

Speaking of that, I have found writing ACOTAR fanfic has been so validating. I always knew I was a decent writer just from how much I have been able to bullshit my way through essays for school, but this creative writing has gotten me quite a bit of praise. I can't believe it honestly. I'm currently trying to work on part 2 of a fic I had no plans to continue. I have no idea what direction I'm going to go in, but we will see.

[maddithecurlyfry]

12/27/22

Hello everyone! (aka no one)

I am writing this from my new Chromebook! It is so much easier to write on the couch. I forgot I made a goal to write in my diary more, so here I am. I'm excited that after my doctor's appointment this morning I don't have to go back for two months instead of one! That's a very big step for me at this point.

I had a very good Christmas! I got some books and some vinyls which were really nice along with my computer I'm typing on right now. I'm kind of getting writer's block rn on my own fucking diary. Rude. Idk, doesn't help that I have RPDR on right now. Very distracting.

[maddithecurlyfry]

Woke up this morning thinking about this scene:

“He’s made of wood too. Why do they like him, and not me?”

and how it’s such a subtle and masterful callout of the Catholics who don’t even seem to realize that they’re failing one of the most basic tenets of their faith. Like yeah, speaking as an insider, one of the most common failings of people who claim to be Catholic is that they think they’re immune to or above certain human behaviors, but in actuality they’re just as capable of pride and hatred as the people who crucified Jesus were. It’s so easy to get caught up in a sense of moral superiority that it can make you entirely blind to the whole point of Christianity–humility and unconditional love. And that kind of thing is what makes outsiders think that it’s our faith that’s the problem, when it’s actually our failure to live out that faith that hurts people. And Del Toro manages to capture that entire discussion in just a few scenes and a handful of words without ever coming across as spiteful or angry and HAVE I MENTIONED THAT THIS MOVIE IS VERY GOOD? HAVE YOU PICKED UP ON THAT YET?! 

[maddithecurlyfry]

12/12/22

So, I'm writing this from work again. I don't want to do what I'm supposed to, but oh well. In much happier news, I posted a one-shot fanfiction the other day and it has over 100 notes! I even got put on this girl's "ACOTAR x Reader Appreciation Post" which I was for sure not expecting. I literally started crying this morning when I saw that.

Also, I don't know how to process my feelings. I feel like I'm not where I'm supposed to be feelings-wise in my relationship. I know that I really like her, but idk... Should I be feeling more? It feels like I'm in my first-ever relationship like I'm so lost. Good thing I meet with my therapist this week. I said a lot of embarrassing things last night. I got really tired and loopy for a bit and told her things that I don't think that I should tell anyone. Like sexual things. We got it out in the open so there's that, but idk I feel so embarrassed. She seemed okay with everything which was nice. And she's still talking to me so I don't think there's an issue, but I can't help but feel weird about it all. We hang out again tomorrow, so we will see how that goes.

[maddithecurlyfry]

12/05/22

Actually writing not in the library! I am currently at work, which I’m sure is like um shouldn’t you be working and well yes, but I’m having to sit through some trainings that I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be taking. Between that and trying not to cough too much, I’m spent. Last week was Hell. I was supposed to use last week to finish out strong in at least one of my classes, but of course I had to fucking get so sick that I could barely function. I actually just wrote an apology email to that professor to get that off my mind. It has been weighing on me for a while. 

I have a lot of guilt when it comes to school this semester. Ugh. It honestly hurts how bad its been. I really should have taken this semester off. I think that would have saved me a lot of heartache, but I wouldn’t have been able to meet R as well as being able to grow and learn about myself. It's a fine line that I'm walking. I just hope that I can recover from this. I just want to graduate at this point and even that has seemed like a hopeless venture. Who knows.

Ahhh just read the sweetest fic! I wish I could be a great writer like the ones that I read. Maybe one day. I kind of want to write something right now but I'm not sure if I should. Maybe I'll start! I want to be a good fanfic writer that people want to read and get to know. Idk. Just a little niche of "fame"

[maddithecurlyfry]

12/01/22

Back in the library again with my girlfriend. I am sick and I really don’t want to be sitting here working like this. I have been sick since Sunday, which is great because of course I would get sick on the last day of Thanksgiving break. Ugh.

It has been pretty miserable. I feel fine most of the time but there’s this pain in my back that has been killing me and making me throw up and it has been a nightmare. I hate being sick while I’m here on my own. It is so scary. I can’t believe how scared I have been since being sick up here. I did not expect that at all. Its kind of pathetic, but oh well. 

[maddithecurlyfry]

11/17/22

Here we are again in the library with MY GIRLFRIEND, R. hehehe

So, I posted part two of that fanfiction I had been writing and wow I love the attention. It’s like getting all the attention I have been craving but without having to be super personal or like really put myself out there. Its like its an alter ego or something. I like it. And I can just post about whatever plagues me in life and I can get it out. Its like when I post my diary posts here except I might get view. This is not meant for anyone to read unless they really want to. I would not recommend though as I delve in some interesting topics on here. 

There’s not a lot going on at the moment... Like literally not really a lot. Thanksgiving is next week so I am quite nervous about being with my family for a whole week, but I can use schoolwork as an excuse thank goodness. That is what I am truly thankful for. I really didn’t think I would ever have this problem reguarding my family, but as I’ve grown up I’ve seen who my parents are... flaws and all. I love them to bits, but idk man they really irk me. It should get easier but I’m also done just sitting down and shutting up. I can’t just sit around and keep the peace just for the sake of keeping the peace. Ugh. Idk. We will see how it goes I guess. Nervous, but oh well. 

[maddithecurlyfry]

[maddithecurlyfry]

11/10/22

Back in the library with R. She is looking so good!!! I’ve only said like one akward thing so that’s been good too! I’m having a really good day so far. We’re going to have dinner at Chipotle after this so my day will only get better with her in it. Although I shouldv’e gone and taken the dog out before coming to this date. oops. Oh well. 

I wrote a fanfiction the other day and I’m seriously thinking about posting it... I’m not sure exactly what’s stopping me, but ahh idk it makes me nervous. I used to do it so it shouldn’t be a big deal, but idk. 

My relationship with my mom is on the rocks again. It’s not fun not feeling supported by my family. I talk to my brother more often than I ever have though which is nice. I miss all of them so much. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling back into my idealistic ways, but I’m trying my hardest not to let it control me. 

I talked about my cousin today. It really hurt. The boys couldn’t understand why I was upset about them talking about people being passed away and literally yelling ‘passed away’ over and over. I almost cried while I was talking about her. I don’t know if I’ll ever really explore that grief I feel over that relationship I had with her... or more like didn’t have. That will always hurt me, not being as close as I feel like I should have. I was incredibly selfish and of course never thought she would ever leave us. You never know what you have until its gone. Ouch that hurts in my chest to think about. ugh. 

i’m struggling with recognizing my feelings. I can’t tell if I’m feelng romantic or not. I do not want to lead her on but I think I’m taking this slower than maybe I should. Ahh it makes me anxious to think about. I do like her a lot but I’m worried that maybe I’m not romantically interested in women the way that I think I could be with a man. That actually scares me. I know for a fact I’m sexually attracted to women, but I’ve yet to explore romantically... Now is this just my internalized homophobia? Maybe. I’m not sure yet. I’m worried that I’m going to hurt her no matter what happens. I just feel incredibly insecure about everything, All this new shit is scary and not knowing what the fuck you’re doing is hard for me. 

Why did I start writing this sad shit I really don’t need a depressive ep right now. ugh. 

[maddithecurlyfry]

11/03/22

It has been a while. 

Here we are.

I am in the library with a girl who I have been going out with for a little bit, R. If I wrote about an R before it’s not this one I’m almost positive. This R we went on a coffee shop date for our first date then we got sushi for our second date. She is so pretty and we have a lot in common and it is very nice to have someone who wants me. I’ve kind of held off on the dating apps for now since I have her that I want to focus on, but the immense FOMO I am getting is a little it really annoying. I do want to go on a good date with a man, but to be honest, men are trash. end of story. I can’t seem to find a guy who is not looking for sex right off the bat. Like I get it, I’m horny af too, but like come on if you would just not put your dick first then so many things would be better. ugh. 

In other news, I finished the second book in the book series that I have been reading, and that was very accomplishing. I haven’t started reading the third book yet, but I’m trying. I think that I have been getting overwhelmed with the fact I am technically reading three books right now between my physical book and the two audiobooks. I’m not trying to really pay attention to the book I’m listening to with Oliver, since I am driving while listening, but I still count that as reading. It is a lot to handle, even if one of the books I’m listening to is smut heavy. Which is hard to listen to rn since I’m on my period. ugh. I ususally use the book to get off if I don’t want to use fanfiction. Oh well. That book is about to expire, but I have the physical copy so it’s not that big of a deal. I find it nice to be able to disappear into a different world for a little bit. I need that escapism. Although a world with R isn’t all to bad.

[maddithecurlyfry]

10/10/22 8:08p

Well hello. I’ve been better but i’ve been worse. I’m currently watching the nightmare before christmas!! i’m also about to go see this girl WHO KISSED ME ONE WEEK AGO TODAY!!! She’s had a rough day with her roommate so I said i’d come over if she wanted me to. She said my presence is always welcome and she’d like to see me again. Idk how I got here but wow. Last Monday we matched on Hinge and she invited me over to see if we vibe or not and we really did. She’s very straightforward and brash and I’m very timid so we kinda play off of each other. I’ve been thinking about her outside of talking to her sporadically so that’s something. I’m not overly excited so I’m trying not to get my hopes up. I’m interested to see if she’s progressed any with that last girl I was talking to! That’s just me being nosey. One thing I also didn’t mention is how sexually experienced she is… and she’s willing to go down on me and kinda teach me the ropes. I just don’t want it to seem like I’m using her for that because that is not my intention… but if i said she wasn’t sexy i’d be lying…… idk not to be gross but if she sucked on my titties i wouldn’t be opposed 👀 oops that’s too much for the internet hahahahahah

[maddithecurlyfry]

09/28/22

So much has happened since I last posted. The previous post was written in the dorm of the friend of a girl I thought I was talking to before that weekend she then out of nowhere said that she wasn’t looking for anything serious. I was so happy and excited that day... then reality hit. No luck on the dating front since then. There’s one girl who I’ve talked to a little, but I’m not thinking it’ll be romantic. 

In other news, I’ve gotten better at going to class. It has been hard, but I’m getting better although I’m not feeling too great right now. Yesterday night I was feeling like utter shit after the org meeting that I tried to watch Gilmore Girls and even that didn’t help any. I ended up reading for a couple hours. That has been the best thing for me. It is the ultimate escape. I have gotten so invested in ACOTAR that I almost don’t want to do anything else. It is getting to an obsessive level, but that world is so much better than living in my reality. That’s sad to say, but I can’t deny it. The fanfic for ACOTAR is kind of lacking though... I’ve also had mini spoilers through trying to read fanfiction, but nothing too crazy. The audiobook is pretty erotic I must say. I tried to listen at work and I was blushing the whole time. There were real kissing noises and moans that I could not help feeling like I was melting. I’m listening to ACOTAR and reading ACOMAF. I don’t want to listen to the audiobook first. There is something so pure about reading a physical book. 

Something else that has happened is that I have fallen out of favor with my parents. I don’t think they realize that they’re doing it. I mentioned it many times over the weekend when my parents came for Family Weekend. It has been extremely hurtful. I don’t even know what to do about it anymore. Not sure what there is to do... 

I still don’t feel like myself. My mental health is still not where I want it to be and I keep wondering if it ever will be again. I still feel very lost. It is exhausting just existing at this point. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here anymore... Not too serious, but just enough to notice. 

[maddithecurlyfry]

09/13/22

I am writing this in a really risky place. It is quite terrifying. I am writing this in the friends dorm of the girl I am talking to. I have so many thoughts and feelings that I really don’t know how to process it. It was a very nervewracking day, but turned out so amazing. At least so far. I’m still in it I guess, but I had to write something. I have a huge stinkin’ crush on this girl and I just met her, AHH! More to come.

[maddithecurlyfry]

9/11/22

I mean I’m doing better, but I’m really down today. I’m so very lonely. I’m so lonely I went to see my sister, her gf and their cat and that was nice… except I asked my sister to go walking with me since P couldn’t go, but she then made plans right in front of me and then offered me a pity invite. It just made me feel so bad inside. Why doesn’t anyone want to hang with me? Like I want to talk to my sister (i mean anyone at this point) about the girl i’m talking to, but she didn’t even ask about it… I want someone to want me and I’m not getting that at all. I think I end up getting so lonely that I start seeking attention which is not good. Not sure what else I can do. I want to wither up and die, honestly. Things would be so much easier for me if I wasn’t here, but that would put a burden on everyone around me and lord knows I can’t let anyone else take my burden.

I mean in other news I started online dating… it’s been interesting thus far. I have mainly been looking for women, but idk. I found a girl on there and we started snapping, but i’m getting mixed signals. First of all she asked me out first and it was really cute and I accepted but then she told me she was sick. Which, okay, cool you’re sick no problem. Then I asked when she was free she told me she wanted to wait until after she was sick, but last night she went out to a bar. I mean it’s not my business but she’s sooooo cute and I don’t want to waste any opportunities. I tend to hold on to the first person who gives me attention which is her, but idk. I should at least see her on Tuesday.. but idk i’m so confused. I’ve never dealt with this before so it’s all new and confusing. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel stupid and pathetic and like a loser. I hate everything right now. Nothing I really can do right now.. idk

[maddithecurlyfry]

8/30/22

Well, back in the bad mental state zone. I think this has to do with being burnt out from school. I went so hard, focused on school for so long that it almost killed me, and now that I’m passed that I don’t want to have anything to do with school. I just want to have fun and experience life. I’ve hit like two opposite ends of the spectrum and I’m not sure how to balance myself. I need to start having consequences for myself. I mean I haven’t done too much damage to my academics yet so now is the time to change.

Although, I’ve been saying I’m going to change for over a month now. I mean I’ve started some healthier habits so maybe that will kickstart the change.

I really need my weekly therapy back. I think that has been a huge hinderance. I’m trying to get better but I feel like one of those web maps where you’re in the center and each limb is a different aspect of life and they’re all pulling in different directions and I’m overstretched in some area and nowhere close in other areas. I need some sense of normal. Maybe living off campus was the worst thing I could’ve done. That’s a lot of effort that would be taken out of the equation if I was back on campus. I’m sure that’s exactly what my parents would want. And what do I want? That’s a damn good question I don’t have the answer to. I still feel very lost. I’m so mad at myself because I started out last week doing so well and then boom that fell off a cliff. Some of it has to do with the fact that my allergies are punching me in the face out of nowhere????? I’ve never been one to have allergies and now I can’t survive without allergy relief medicine. It’s got to be something in my apartment… well I think. WHY IS MY LIFE A FRIKIN MESS?

UGH.

My head does not feel screwed on right. I’m in a fog.

Hoping for a better couple of days. Or at least a better next update.