madclowncraz-y-blog

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

Nothing feels more abandoned than getting your thoughts cut out. It feels like your feeling don't matter to them because it was that easy for them to interrupt you and not listening to you. While you are always there listening quietly to their feelings because to you it is important. You value someone's sharing about their feelings, what goes through their mind and what's their thoughts about. But what have you done to deserve less? You can't expect someone to re-share about their feelings when you cut them out and being an inattentive listener. That moment is already gone for you because at that moment where you felt that you could trust them entirely for sharing your feelings but right the moment they cut you off, you feel fucking betrayed. Because why? Your feelings don't matter to them and it hurts for you. Now you have to swallow everything back in where they first belong to. That deep blackhole of thoughts in you. The cycle repeats again, carefully choosing who can you trust this time to pour out this feeling. But it's too late now. You mind is already consumed by thinking your feelings don't matter and should just be buried there deep inside you. This is what people does to you and they don't realise it. This is where you continue keeping to yourself and people can still have the cheek to say, "Don't keep things to yourself." But they were the reason that you keep things to yourself. The next time they ask, "Are you alright?" You answered "Yes of course!" with delightful when deep down you are drowning because ignorance is bliss.

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

You will never learn your lesson.

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

“You didn’t date her, but you told her how much you liked her. Whenever you saw her, you told her how pretty she looked and whenever you spent too long without her, you told her how much you missed her.

You didn’t date her, but you texted her from the moment you opened your eyes until the moment they closed. You made her feel wanted with your words, you made her feel special by giving her large chunks of your time.

You didn’t date her, but you shared your secrets with her. You told her things no one else knew about you. You treated her like she meant something. Like you actually cared about her, like you wanted to keep her in your life.

You didn’t date her, but you cuddled with her. You kissed her. You slept with her. You saw her at her most vulnerable and made her feel safe.

You didn’t date her, but you gave her every reason to think that one day, you would date her. You made her believe it was only a matter of time until you two became a couple.

You didn’t date her, but you still hurt her. And you should still take responsibility for what you’ve done.

It doesn’t matter whether you were her official boyfriend or if you refused to give your relationship a title. You still led her on. You still broke her heart.

So when you start dating a new girl, don’t act like she’s crazy or clingy or obsessive. When she asks questions about why you’ve been acting so distant, don’t blow them off and say something like, It’s none of your business, you’re not my girlfriend, I can do whatever I want.

Technically, it’s true. But at the same time, it’s not. Because you let her get close to you. You let her fall in love with you.

No, you didn’t date her, but you became emotionally attached to each other. You created a serious connection.

That’s why she deserves an explanation. She deserves closure. She deserves to hear why you decided to leave, to move onto some other girl, instead of having you drop out of her life as if she never meant anything at all.

Because if you do that, she’s going to question every moment she shared with you. She’s going to look back and reinterpret all of your conversations, your looks, your body language.

She’s going to think she’s a complete idiot for ever believing you cared about her. She’s going to assume she made everything up.

You might think it isn’t your responsibility to answer her questions, because she isn’t your girlfriend and she never was.

But, the thing is, you treated her like your girlfriend.

She’s not psycho for feeling like you betrayed her. She’s not crazy for wanting to know what went wrong, for wondering why you lost interest in her and found someone new.” - You never dated her, but you still broke her heart. (T.Catalog)

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

It’s not about indecisive.

Maybe all I need right now is myself.

Maybe I just don’t need love yet. I don’t need a man yet. Maybe I just want things that are wrong for me at this moment. For me to learn, perhaps?

Maybe I still need to expand my horizons, travel, meet new inspiring people that could inspires me in some ways and have the freedom to go wherever I want to go without having another human distorting my perfect picture.

Maybe I still need to learn more about what kind of love I want. Do I want a traditional kind of love? The one that’s safe and steady. Or do I need an adventure? A wild kind of love. A love that can’t be tamed.

Maybe I still need to know if I’m trying to find love or I’m just trying to understand my heart. Maybe I need more time to figure out what exactly what my heart needs. Maybe I just need to cleanse my heart from all the damage that I’ve caused and all the cracks I stabbed in it. Maybe I need to love my heart the way no one knew how.

Maybe I need to be for myself everything that I have kept asking people to do for me. Maybe I just need to love myself more, hug myself, hold my own hands and probably say goodnight to myself.

Maybe I just need myself right now because anyone who comes on my ship might drown. Maybe I just need to sail down alone.

Maybe Allah is keeping me alone for a reason. Maybe HE doesn’t want another person to distract me from myself. Maybe He keeps reminding me that I’ll never find what I’m looking for if I can’t find myself.  

Maybe I just need to understand what exactly that I want to achieve of my own instead of others telling me on what to do.

Then maybe, I was meant to experience more heartbreaks than love because I’m my own security. I’m the only one who knows how to calm my heart and the chaos in my mind and heal the wounds in my heart. Maybe I was meant to kiss my own scars because I’m the only one who knows how deep it is and how much they hurt.

I guess all I need to right is me because I need to work on the relationship with myself. To fix the years I tormented myself. To mend the broken pieces. To replace myself. To redeem myself.

All I need is to figure out how to make the most beautiful and most meaningful relationship of my life.

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

"Railgod." Feels so good to be back again. First try Ollie 💯

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

You’re gonna live forever in me.

I didn’t fell in love with you simply because of the conversations we both had.

It was more than a conversation.

I fell in love with you because you paid attention to every detail I spoke, even the things I wasn’t saying.

I didn’t fell in love with you just because you are nice. It is too vague. Everyone is nice, right?

But I fell in love with you because for the first time someone was repaying to all that I gave. A two-way street.

I didn’t fell in love with you because you didn’t make a mistake. There are times you get on my nerve and times we just don’t get things right. You are not near to perfect.

But because you owned up to it and apologized, that made me fell in love with you.

I didn’t fell in love with because you are still staying after all the talks we had but because every time I tried to push you away, you pulled me closer.

I didn’t fell in love with you just because I love the idea of having you around but because I was happier than I had ever been. You gave that happiness.

I didn’t fell in love with you because you were charming, attractive or handsome. Although it is a plus point but I fell in love with what’s inside of you.

I didn’t fell in love with you because you supported my idea of success and my goals but you were there to helped pick me up when times I couldn’t get a grip of myself.

I didn’t fell in love with you because of the mutual understanding or the safe distance we both had but because when I was gone you told me that you missed me and you showed it.

I didn’t fell in love with you because you never tried to change me to be better but because you accepted me and made a better version of myself. You know how much I need acceptance and you gave it to me. You gave me confidence.

I obviously didn’t fell in love with you because of the time we both had but because you make sure that you find a way to see me. Even if it means going to the rooftop just to meet me even though how tired your day were from work.

I fell in love with you not because of the things you say to me but because most of the things you said, you never told anyone else. I felt special.

You are not a strong individual but I could see the strength in you that you are trying to live by each day. I fell in love with you because you let me in during the vulnerable moments that you are not strong. It’s a man pride kind of thing but you lowered your ego and allow me in.

I fell in love with you because you respected my feelings and because you didn’t want to be just another person to break my heart. You accepted my worst.

I fell in love with you because suddenly meeting you, you were the only thing that made sense in my life.

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

"I'm tired of being tired."

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

I will leave my heart at the door I won't say a word... They've all been said before, you know So why don't we just play pretend Like we're not scared of what is coming next or scared of having nothing left! Look, don't get me wrong I know there is no tomorrow All I ask is... If this is my last night with you Hold me like I'm more than just a friend Give me a memory I can use Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do It matters how this ends 'Cause what if I never love again? I don't need your honesty It's already in your eyes and I'm sure my eyes, they speak for me No one knows me like you do And since you're the only one that matters Tell me who do I run to? Look, don't get me wrong! I know there is no tomorrow All I ask is If this is my last night with you Hold me like I'm more than just a friend Give me a memory I can use Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do It matters how this ends Cause what if I never love again? Let this be our lesson in love Let this be the way we remember us I don't wanna be cruel or vicious And I ain't asking for forgiveness All I ask is... If this is my last night with you Hold me like I'm more than just a friend Give me a memory I can use Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do It matters how this ends 'Cause what if I never love again?

All I Ask, Adele. 

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

We weren’t close enough.

We almost meant something to each other. 

That we almost had something wonderful. 

But that’s not true at all. You mean’t the world to me. You were the person I thought about from the second my phone beeped in the morning until my head is sunk into my pillow at night. 

You were the person that I told my best friend about, the person that I replayed conversations in my head. I dressed in my favorite outfits on days I knew I’d be running into you. I rearranged my schedule to fit you into my life. 

I wanted to be with you and even though it might not work out in the end, I definitely know there’s a time where you wanted to be with me, too. I know that you felt the same way, I wasn’t just imagining the spark that existed between the both of us. 

There was something electrifying in the air whenever we locked eyes from across a crowded room, whenever we sat a little too close and our shoulders grazed, whenever I gathered the courage to touch your lips.  

I misses you like mad, but I’m not sure what’s the right thing to do in situation like this. Should I text you casually as if I didn’t had any questions on what had happened? Or should I confront you? Or should I continue letting you into my world and let it flow? 

I doesn’t know what to do, so I do nothing. I let you live your life. I might probably end up letting you go. 

I just felt that what we have is only an almost relationship, but it meant more to me than some of my actual relationships. I misses you more than any of my exes. 

I don’t know if you will be long gone but I haven’t forgotten about you yet. And I am not sure if I ever will. 

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

“And my guitar gently sweeps the sorrows.” 

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again.

Stephen. C 

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

“Take me back where I was indulged with the nature and the wild adventures.” Pangkor Island, December 2016. 

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

“And I think maybe, I was designed to be alone.”

It always seems like nobody will understand, and that nobody new will want to take the risk. The risk of being part of my story, the story that I am building day by day.

But also, the story has too many chapters of sorrow and darkness. My past seems too much for someone else.

I get scared to have to explain myself, and the things that moulded and built me. How my heart was wrecked and might still be. Even when I say I am not broken, there are still pieces that aren’t put together just right yet.

I keep thinking that nobody will want to bear my burdens, or be interested in the bits of myself that still unknown. I kept asking myself how can I trust myself to trust the another again, or even ever at all.

I know that if I stay unaccompanied, there’s no danger in failing, and when all I’ve known is leaving, the safety net of life is solidarity.

There are times where I wonder what kind of a person would want to dig into the depths of me, the parts that I am not sure to be seen again. To have to explain who people are, who people were, and who people will forever be. And who you were before all of it happened.

That’s when I think of my life as a whole, my part is the largest part. I ask myself If taking someone down that unrecognizable road is even worth it. For me, but mostly for them.

I contemplate the struggles, the small moments that took away joy and replaced even the most hidden places of my soul with scars. I am scared to acknowledge that my scars are real.

But being alone comes easily. Easily used, easily balanced, easily perfected. It’s me. And I don’t have to explain it to anyone else. But to think of the wall that guards my happy heart and freeing soul, coming down for another. That’s a game that I can fearfully anxious to play. So, I sit on the side-lines, proud of the independence that I have built. But the scars of my past are just that. In the past.

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

It’s the texts you answer at your convenience.

It’s every like when you’re bored because you’re wondering what she’s up to.

It’s every canceled plan when something better comes along.

It’s the attention you give that’s the bare minimum. But she takes it.

Because at least for that moment, she has your time and attention when she’s always given you all of hers.

It’s every surprise you take for granted. Even though, she thought a lot about it for a while. It’s not caring enough to even consider reciprocating those things.

It’s the favor if you need one, that always goes answered every time. Even though she’d never ask the same.

It’s the nights she wishes would turn into the morning but you have some sort of other agenda, as you say goodbye.

You label her as easy to read. Because the truth is you know if you want her you can have her. And where is the fun in that?

Where is the fun in someone only caring about you?

Where is the fun in honesty?

Where is the fun in love when everyone is chasing after questionable likes?

But the truth is you’re losing her and not even realizing it.

You lose her a little more every time you don’t answer.

You lose her a little more every time you cancel plans.

You lose her a little more every time you choose someone else when the only person she’s ever chosen is you.

You lose her a little more every time you don’t appreciate her.

You lose her a little more every time you take her for granted.

You lose her a little more every time she goes to bed wondering, ‘why aren’t I enough for him?’

But what she doesn’t realize, as these feelings she has for you, blinds her of the truth. She’s more than enough for you. It’s you that isn’t good enough for her.

Because if you were worthy of her, you’d realize her value.

But one day you’ll lose her for good. Because she’s going to get to a point where there’s nothing more she has to offer and she’ll walk away. And it’ll hurt her to do so. Because she looked at you with wide eyes full of faith that depleted over time.

One day she’ll be the one not answering.

One day those snaps you send will be ignored and you’ll send another just in case.

It’ll irk the shit out of you, the moment she starts treating you the way you treated her.

You’ll ask her out and she’ll politely decline.

You’ll blow up her newsfeed and begin to become more interested in what she is up to but more than that who she’s with.

Because it’s not you that’s making her smile anymore.

You’ll miss the nights when she laid beside you and all she ever wanted to do was talk. The silence will kill you, as you wish for just one more conversation.

You’ll hold onto everything she ever got you and it’ll be a hurtful reminder of the girl who loved you just a little too much.

And maybe you’ll look back and remember there wasn’t mystery to her. But there was an honesty you’ve never known in someone.

She will no longer be there to wipe your tears. She will no longer be there to hold your hands gently and locked her eyes into you. She won’t be there to say that it’s okay.

She didn’t play games like the others.

She was only that other girl in your eyes but for her, to her eyes, you are everything she wish for.

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

Learn to let go and say, “That is it. I had enough.”

Being with someone complete opposite with little trust, it almost never works. It's simple math that goes against these. Their union is like that of water and fire, intense and passionate but ultimately both put each other out.

Both are strong-headed and stubborn by nature when not making out in the bedroom, they make showdowns with ultimatums happen (always). One may have a strong element of jealousy and the other, by nature, are bubbly and flirty which severely puts the significant other off and makes them lose their cool. These are the kind of couples who apparently look happy but, inside, the premises of their bedroom are each other’s arch nemeses. They will argue in cars, on bus stands, in shopping malls, at home, everywhere as long as they get a chance to keep up the appearance of a happy couple later on. The kind of couples are fierce fighters and do not accept defeat easily.

The only way to save is compromise. Survival is their only option because they cannot fully live with each other’s jarred edges. One or the both of them has to continuously compromise to keep a relationship going. But till when? 

It won’t be easy for both or one of them. It’s like having a battle of its own without knowing when will they reach independence. The reason is obvious. 

None wants to compromise. 

We can absolutely promise a million things to make things better in order for them to stay but aren’t we being selfish towards the relationship? For how long this game gonna keep on playing? It’s like playing an old cassette tape with its repeating until one has to shut it off. How long can a person survive this translucent battle? 

Humans will never learn this lesson. Getting hurt all over again. It’s like a drug. You know it will harm you physically and mentally but you still do it. 

[madclowncraz-y-blog]

Optimist.

Everyone keeps asking me what went wrong, or why it happened, and I’m still not sure of what the right answer is. I tell them it was something that had to happen because it’s the only answer that comes to mind, and because it’s truth.

I’ve grown accustomed to the breakups that sounded more like praise than a rejection, and there was a part of me that hated them for doing so. I was never able to understand how someone could say such beautiful words to another person in such an ugly situation. Not until now.

I always believed it was the coward’s way out: “Kill ‘em with kindness.” To be completely honest, I never put much stock in their words because they seemed so hollow.

How could anyone say how wonderful you are all the while acknowledging that they don’t want to be with you anymore? It was bullshit to me. Maybe it still is, only now I’m the bullshitter.

The eternal optimist inside of me wants to believe they did it for the right reasons. The skeptic inside of me believes that everyone, at their core, is selfish. I don’t know if one is right, or if one is wrong. I don’t know if it’s a combination of the two, or neither, whatsoever.

I know that I never wanted to hurt you, but I also knew that was never an option that would be afforded to me.

You could hate me here and now, with unanswered questions in your head and hurt in your heart; or you can hate me later, after your heart dropped to the depths of your stomach and smashed into so many pieces that the damage rendered would be irreparable. If those were my only choices, it would never come to the latter.

You opened doors for me that I was sure were locked forever. You made me believe things that I was sure were mythical. But I didn’t want you falling in love with someone who couldn’t love you back the same way.

I’m a better woman for having met you. I’m a better woman for having known you. I only wish that I was a stronger woman for you.

Someone else deserves the chance to love you the way that I couldn’t, and I would never want to stand in the way of either of you meeting each other one day.