maaarrryyy

[maaarrryyy]

hey there ~~

Hey Marsbarsszzzz ~~

HMM my computer is lagging pretty bad but whatever i guess it's fine?? lol

I am feeling a little more adult today because i started peeling off my BTS stickers that I stuck on this laptop lmaoo. It just feels childish to have those on there xD

How have a been? Not that well to be honest, it is crazy how much can change in a month literally lol. I keep getting irritated at work and I can't do anything about it except to keep standing up for myself and that is what I will keep doing.

I would say that it is just work that has been my biggest stresser. I have an eczema outbreak on my hands right now and I am sure it is from a combination of being outside, irritants, and stress, etc ~~~ just gotta keep myself from itiching it.

It is now April and we are planning something for baby boys birthday, What exactly, I don't know but hopefully some time outside getting air. Just a camping girly. I really need to stop spending money I don't have also. Just putting it out there so there is some accountability.

I think something I don't normally think about is how vulnerable it is to express how you feel and how a situation in effecting you. I am so proud of myself for being that BIHHhhhhHHHHHH.

I kinda have started running for the boulder bolder but lowkey since I am a natural athlete, my runs last week felt pretty easy but they were a bit exhausting after the fact. I haven't ran since hehehe but only because I am feeling confident lol. I will probably make time tomorrow to maybe do like 4 miles. I am pretty sure I got this.

I was going to make chorizo tacos today for dinner but now I am like ugh just some mexican food sounds good. I still have time to think about it but just might make some egg tacos and call it a day lmao. I need to make some beans also. I always make beans and they always go to waste.

I just finished the best kdrama in a hot minute the other day and omg it was sooo so sos osoosososososoos good Kbfesfsbdjcn!!! My heart and soul was so invested in it. It has been a while since a kdrama has made me feel more alive. I felt like a purpose after watching that lmao. I still didn't reach out to my parents or anything though. I love that in one of the scenes was a song from my childhood that was actually the first kpop song I had ever heard but it was in an american japanese movie. I'll have it on the bottom after.

But yeah it was cool how that song tapped into 4 year old Mary or maybe 6 year old marszzz.

OKay i think that is all my thoughts for today. Lets do better always! Lets lead by example and show up everyday for ourselves.

Everything that is mine is already mine. It already belongs to me. All in its own time or place. We deserve all the good things coming to us ~~~

lub you girly pop <3

mary

[maaarrryyy]

2 months??? (✦ ‿ ✦) locked in

OmgGG!!! HEYYY MARYYyy. How are you!! How are we??? I am so so so much better after going home this past month. The only thing is that i picked up a drinking habit of at least a beer or a drink. Today is 2 days sober woohhoooo and I started that bad habit in the middle of Feb..yuck. Gotta reset this gut frrr.

I don't feel like i gained much weight because work keeps me busy but i do feel like it aged me? If that makes sense. I feel like I look old. ╥﹏╥ waaaahhh but I feel this way because we are getting carded a lot less these days lmao.

I went back and read some of my posts and omg I was so down. Feeling like a cloud is over you is so crazy. After going home, I was able to connect with my brother more since I went by myself and baby boy had to stay here in CO. I feel like I cried a lot more this time than all the other times because I was so down. I feel a lot better now after 2 weeks.

It feels like I really need to put more effort into not spending money and making food at home. I just always have an appetite and I need to do better with mind over matter lol.

I thought I had a lot more to say but I was reflecting on most of it as I was reading my old entries. I have really grown in a few months.<3 Well with myself. I still need to do better with baby boy.

The weather rn is so gloomy. I'll post a pic after. It is for sure the vibe.

I hope these next few weeks are good to me. They will be leading into summer and we have to start training for that yearly 10K lol. I love that we have done it every year we have been here. I want to do one in Denver but it kind of sketches me out more to do one there than here.

Anyway my thoughts are everywhere and not as collected as I thought they were so with that I am deucing outttt.

Peace marsbarszzz make it a great week!!! We got this ^.^ ~~~

xoxoxox mars

[maaarrryyy]

ʚ(╹ڡ╹)ɞ

Hey marsbars607

This was our cards today. I thought it was interesting that i pulled the same card from a different deck lol. The spiriTs are trying to tell me something!! Or not lol.

The king of swords represents power and authority. When you google it also there are so many different kinds of interpretation. It honestly blows my mind how peopple can read the cards the way they do.I am pretty confident that after some time, I will get good at reading and interpreting them. All it is is a little practice hehe.

Anyway today was weird energy so I did a cleanse and a reading and basically then went and requested my transcripts from 10 years ago and now we shall see what we do when we get them. Obviously re-enrolll into college but what do I want to go learn?

I want to help people. I remember someone at work said they were going to school to help people learn how to talk again after a stroke or something that caused them to lose their speech.

I forget that my 3rd grade speech teacher was a pretty big part of my elementary school days. He taught me how to speak better and taught me japanese and even let me read his own manga and take home his sailor moon ones lol.

I just did an extensive search and couldn't find his name. It'll come back eventually...or never.

i was going to write more but nahhh. and my back hurts.

Everything that is yours is already yours. You have what it takes to complete your goals. You can do it all!!!!

wuv u

(ღ ･ิ◡･ิ)ε ･ิ ღ)

[maaarrryyy]

( ˘ ³˘) heeeeheyyyyy

Hi Mary how are we?

Wellz, I guess we are good. I went to the coffee shop and did some writing there but it was just a bunch of thoughts. This entry might be the same idk.

The year is coming to an end and I am kinda just like ehhh. No mood no vibes no emotion towards the new year. Everything is just a cycle loop. Until we die.

I have been off instagram for a little over a month now and I do have to admit that I miss the validation I got from there lol but not enough to open it back up. Maybe i will eventually because some of my posts are cool. I miss being cool.

There was a style of posting I did on insta in 2022ishh where most of my posts clearly showed how to self improve and do better. I was journaling and making goals. I was juicing and eating well. It all kind of stopped once we moved here lol.

I don't know why I had such high expectaions for the "new" person i was going to be when we moved but all that went out the window within the first week lol.

I do give myself grace because I was so depressed the first year we were here. It really takes that long and even longer to get through not having the people that were always around you not be there. Not having pure clear energy around is what caused the black smoke to build around me.

It is starting to clear. I am making better bonds at work and working at not letting certain situations effect my mood.

I have so much built up hostility, hate, and anger though. I am self aware of that. I take it out on innocent animals, like my own cat! I am not proud of it. But when it does happen, it really does feel like i am a different person and I thrive off that feeling when I am in control. I have issues LMAOOooo but no I am not going to therapy.

Not......yet........xD

Until it gets super bad lmao. Just kidding. I know I am just hindering myself and not evolving by not going and talking to someone but even just typing that out looks ridiculous lmao. What am I doing right now?

I am splitting myself as two people when I type these for accountability xD my other self IS my therapist.

anyyyywayyyyy Σ(-᷅_-᷄๑)

i love these little emoticons that i google and add on here hehe it makes me feel nostalgic like the old myspace days. I also miss always being on a computer, something about being on my phone doesn't feel right on my body. Specifically my neck lmao. Maybe we should get a desktop computer, that would be better for the whole body.

I really would only want one if I do decide to go back to school. It just sounds cuter to do work on a real computer lmao. I need to find a way to transfer the files on this computer to a hardrive or something though because I don't want to lose all my ish if this computer ends up never waking up again. It is literally almost 10 years old and I think that's crazy. 10 years of memories on this beotchhhh.

Okay well that is enough of rambling thoughts of the day. Have an amazing day Marszzzz. Well it already is amazing since we called off lol and i got to sleep in and it was heavenly. Go back another bowl and enjoy the day.<3

lub u girly pop

*ଘ( ॢᵕ꒶̮ᵕ (꒡ᵋ ꒡ღ)

mary

[maaarrryyy]

hhheeellllloooo ♫꒰･‿･๑꒱

Hey girlypop. I had a lot more to say a few hours ago but I still wanted to take the time to just write about my day and interpret my reading.

This is the second time i pull a sort of "getting a message or letter soon" card. The spread that I do when i pull is normally a "past present and future". So I pull 3 cards. I guess what I said out loud was "how will this week go?"

Omg something is wrong with me i keep messing up my fingers on the keyboard lol. Anyway so we will see what message i get if any. Maybe by the end of the year? The other cards were letting go of frustrations followed by you're burnt tffff out and need to rest.

I already knew that, i didn't really need to pull cards for it to tell me that but I guess the spirit world is validating how my body and mind has been feeling. I am really trying to do better with not biting my nails or grinding my teeth. Conscious effort to avoid bad habits.

So anyway yeah. I did most of my crying yesterday but i almost cried today talking to a coworker about needing mY MOMMMMYYYY waahhhhh lmao not exactly all that but basically.

I wish it was easy for me as it is for him to build community around me. It is not that easy because of lots of things. Trust issues, miscommunication, ego, effort. And i mean yeah it can be frustrating but I am also grateful because I also still just enjoy my own company and well it's easier on the brain to have to not think about needing to say something.

Today I just rested and did some laundry. I tried not to just scroll but i did for like 2 hours ugh wack. But since I did pull a rest card, I didn't go run. I started my period too and my cramps have been so chill. (for now) what if I'm running out of eggs lmao. I also think it is because I am active and it has helped relieve my cramps a bit

My thoughts are kind of everywhere. My fingers are moving but my mind is not really connecting to the words lol. SO with that I will just get off my phone and laptop and read a book or sum to relax before bed. Just waiting on baby boy to get home from work to hit a last dab. Annnnnddd yeeeaahhhhh mars it is still hit number 5 wtff bihhhhh.

I LOVE YOU! Keep doing and showing up as YOU! Thats your charm right>>>??? What yours is already yours and no one can take it from you! ;))

(ꈍᴗꈍ)ε｀*) xxxooxoxoxoxoxo

mary

[maaarrryyy]

wahhhh wah

Hey Mary how are you,

Actually, i am not that okay but it's because I am about to start my period lol. This post was just going to be about how amazing my mom is and how I am so proud of the person she is today and has grown into. <33

Biggggg sighhh

bIIGGGG HUGG

Isn't it crazy that we literally grow up also watching our parents grow and morph into other people also. I have basically been silently sobbing at work all day and sobbing now thinking HOW they even lived through this world, this country without even knowing the language. I specifically remember the moment my mom decided she wanted to learn english.

My mom is so amazing. <3

I see a lot of her good habits in me. My parents really are so strong mentally, or at least that is how they displayed themselves growing up. They are the definition of consistency. My dad is almost even more brave because he doesn't know the language at all and is still out here putting in work every day. Just a brave bold water sign.

----

I really needed to let that out and now I feel so much better but I know I will still cry about it tomorrow lol but that's okay.

I have to do a lot better on a lot of things and I am saying that with my whole chest because I act like I have it all together but I am taking to much dabs that I am still grinding my teeth and biting my nails and skin for LITERALLY HOURSSSSS. I am so tired of living like this.

Lately I have been accidentally biting the inside of my lip when I eat something and it has also been throwing me off and making me rage into a different tone.

I know the obvious solution is going to be to cut out the dabs. Or just do way less??? Like you're so annoying mars lmao. There is no need to be doing like 5 everyday. Like just do 2 girly gurl lmao. It really is going to rot your brain. And those lungs

I want to train maybe for a half marathon and then maybe then I will get it together but I won't because I need to solve whatever underlining issue I have blah blaa blah therapy and whatever.

I AM MY OWN THERAPIST lmao.

Who knows me more than me. Exactly. And these self reflecting sessions is what they would probably recommend. I just don't think I need to talk to someone about my issues sometimes.

Ew see I just spent like 5 mins ripping the skin off some of my fingers. I did so good from 2020-2022 bc i started the habit again when we moved to CO. During my crying fit earlier I was like wow I cannot wait until we move to Michigan and are closer to my family. Like 3 hours closer. I need to be more present because I live in such a beautiful state but I cannot help that it makes me feel more depressed here.

Stupid ahhhh beautiful high altitude mountains. :,(

Todays post was a little mehh but my hormones are off and period is coming here soon so either way not all posts are going to be happy vibes.

I will end this with WE GOT THIS MARY. Part of the journey is sadness, loneliness, and detachment. Or at least that is how mine has been.

Awww I will add that baby boy confided in me with some things and video called me and everything and my heart is so so full to have his trust and to know that he looking at me maybe as a mentor. I just love him and I am so lucky to have been a part of raising him<3 We are going to be getting piercings for his birthday and I can't wait!!

Have an amazing night and remember that even though you feel down you show up everyday. You give 80/80, 20/20, 100/100 always. You are reliable and so resiliant. <333 We got this. :)) Loveeee youuuuuu have an amazing night honey bunnnyy.

xOOoxoxxxxOOOOOxoxoxox0

maryrodr

[maaarrryyy]

this snapchat filter is amazing ~~

[maaarrryyy]

[maaarrryyy]

uhm hi hello

HI lady, how are you.

Hmmm i think I am okay. I am having a hard time connecting to the person I was a year ago. I want to be her so bad again. I miss her. A lot changed this year in my brain. Are the mountains finally doing their magical work on me?

We are a lot closer to the mountains. I call them mountains but the locals call them flat irons because they aren't as tall as the rockies or the real mountain range that is behind them. I think the park right here is pretty big but i guess if you compare that park to Bear Lake, it is a lot smaller.

Either way, they are doing their work this last half of the year and I feel my brain waves changing. I wish I could say they are getting stronger but they honestly feel weaker and I am pretty sure it is because I am abusing cannabis and it is weakening my psyche. I have to do better because it is effecting my pockets!!

These days, I would rather spend my money on quality live rosin, wax, badder etc, and food rather than clothes. And that is saying a lot because I love shopping lol but now that I have a solid go to wardrobe, it has made dressing every day easier and I still look unique and different without having to buy fast fashion clothes every month.

Tomorrow is already the first day of the last month of the year. SOO crazy lol. I feel like I keep saying it but this year was soooo slow yet so fast. The first half was fun and then after June it was whatever.

This coming year I have intentions of changing my bad habits that grew this year. Mainly the abuse of dabs. I connect it to xxxxxxxxXXX XXX XXX XXXX >>>>??????742511#$@!^** and the fact that akjhfowxxxDDDDDxxXXXXXXxxxxXXX.

Yeah like I would post everything on the internet xD.

ANYwayZZZ,,,

I will do better but I am getting bored of them lmao. They just are kind of high maintenanced and I am getting tired of having the clean the glass. I miss smoking my lil joints <3333333333 one day again we will have our time but rn in this apartment hell naw lol. I already got a noise complaint and honestly people are too high strung because I would understand if it was late but it was only 330 on a Tuesday afternoon.

Other 2025 goals is having less bad thoughts about the people around me. I have been such a grouch since transferring to this store and I need to accept these people and not let them influence so much energy out of me. Like i let them bother me. Why? Do better Mars and truly just f themmmm don't even think about them girly pop just think about the good things coming your way and the things that are already yours. Just do that!!!!!

First day of the month tomorrow. I will do better. I will show up. I will stay consistent. I will do these things for me and future me and JP and those that I love. I show up for them. For the better things that are coming and the things we are working and growing towards. Eeeeekkkk I feel good now that I have let this all out. I can feel the good energy coming in towards me.

Have a great day tomorrow!!! Smoke less ditch and drink A LOT more water. You have what it takes to be a better you. You got this. You deserve this. You are you! You are original. Keep being you! <3

Love you marzbarsz607, muWAAAAGHHHH xoxo

[maaarrryyy]

heeeyyy marsssszzzz

Omg this is so crazy that i was able to log into my old tumblr aka this one lol. Is there a way to merge them i wonder? I could always just link both somewhere. I say somewhere bc I don't have instagram and i don't think i want to link my blog on facebook because i have a lot of family on there and I don't even think they would read my thoughts but who knows right lol.

Anyway, I have been kind of down lately and well yeah!! I guess, are my expectations too high? Am I high maintenanced? Yes I am. Maybe even a little OCD?? I have some issues that are only self diagnosed but I can see myself from outside my body sometimes almost like 3rd person and some stuff doesn't seem like an unreasonable reason to be upset.

It's actually a repeated pattern and it makes me so sad when I think about it every time because how is someone that is supposed to be close to me and love me, not helping me or by my side. Repeatedly.

In that same way I am also repeatedly doing my own type of bad habits. I know that. I know I am a red flag. We all are honestly. We just pick and choose and for me well an example is that I would be so psycho if baby boy talked to women at work lmaoooooooo to the point where they want to hang out. I would be like helllll nawwwww. Not today, tomorrow, eVERRR. lol. I think every thing is also situational. I say that but there are plenty of women I don't mind him talking to. It is just getting through the evil lingering thoughts.

We can only get better but maybe for now I will just use this time to breathe and pour into me. I say OCD because I get upset over things not being tidy when it is completely out of my control lol. It will put me in a bad mood and I am trying to do better. I will do better.

I haven't typed out anything in almost a year and that is also sooooooo crazy!!!!! Maybe I will just post pics on my other account and keep this one like this because I will spend time scrolling through my own account to remember who I used to be. <333

I think imma switch to manual mode and journal now lol so peace and blessings marsbars!! Show up for you. Keep being you. You are 1 of 1. ;) <333

Love youuuuuuuuu

[maaarrryyy]

Sometimes you don’t get what you want, because you deserve better.

[maaarrryyy]

red.

[maaarrryyy]

🍕

[maaarrryyy]

My little brothers are so hopeless.

[maaarrryyy]

[maaarrryyy]

[maaarrryyy]