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I find myself thinking of Bella today and the type of immaculate head she would give with that bottomless throat of hers. She had full lips made for it and was talented entirely beyond her own self awareness; I sometimes feel like she ruined head for me. I’m definitely bigger than most guys and it was nice putting her in the positions I can go the deepest in and not have to worry about hitting her cervix or hitting a weird angle, and most importantly hitting it as hard as I wanted without worrying if she was going to be too sore the next day or not able to do another round shortly after a good railing.

And I don’t particularly miss her at all or anything she made me feel come to think of it. I miss the fact that I didn’t have to push for what I want sexually, or limit my enjoyment due to kink differences, or even worry about not being satisfied. It was effortless.

And the last thing she told me was that “I at least owe her a threesome—to give her that much it I was dropping her” and Ive thought about that for well over a year since that.

My brain can’t help but go “you really dropped all of this JUST to feel something greater?” And sometimes that voice is louder than others but I think the thing I’m most upset about is the absolute betrayal and seemingly perpetual disservice I’ve bestowed upon myself when 2023 me ALWAYS got what he wanted no matter what.

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There’s a part of me that has been screaming that feelings are just limitations and it hasn’t stopped

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2023 honestly changed my life and now I feel like I’m not getting laid enough

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I’m also so glad I was fucking two girls and having a mouth slave in September while I was talking to this girl. I knew hopeless romantics didn’t exist anymore in this filth of society. They will claim it in thought and feeling but prove otherwise in action and statements of their past.

The innocent me who would’ve just seen her as I used to, when I would date one at a time, would’ve saw the kiss we had as something special. Pure. Raw. And I’m glad I killed that pathetic man because knowing that she fucked someone she wasn’t even “attracted to” all that much and because “why not” makes me realize that kiss couldn’t have meant jack shit to her, the way I didn’t want to admit it meant a lot to me, especially since she solidified that it DID hold romantic intentions to her in the end, and that would’ve crushed that man who used to see and care about one person at a time. But that was never to be found. And what racks my brain the most is I had a lot of those “my person wouldnt have done that” and the more I explored that rabbit hole the more I was entirely disillusioned. Especially since she densely suggested that the day we kissed be our anniversary despite all that. Over my dead fucking body.

But even in death, the memory of the old me haunts me, the romantic me. The what ifs I know too well bothers me still. And it reaffirms that I’ve made ALL the right choices in my life, every step of the way. I’ve prioritized not being the idiot every time, prioritized myself, and making quality memories. And I remind myself that no matter what, I always have to come first.

And honestly? I enjoyed fucking all the girls I did in 2023 until I couldn’t anymore. They were all true people pleasers and I loved how much of a cock slut they all were for mine.

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I’ve been thinking a lot of the journals lately, and trying to get the thought of her “deeply enjoying blowing” her former friend i said had to go.

And most of the time I think of this, I truly wish I walked upon reading those. I was so happy in 2023 and I haven’t been no where near as happy as I was that year and even the year before that. But it helps that I threw all my morals out the window for most of 2023, joined the rest of the filth that is this society. I also enjoyed making some girls cum ridiculously hard for me, some even to the point of almost passing out. Pissing off my neighbors with all the screaming. I even remember having two girls blowing me in the same day for Valentine’s Day. It was such an amazing day. I forgot what it felt like to be completely deepthroated. I’ve been so lucky as a man. But i also manifested it all. It was all meant for me.

I had a girl from the apps come visit me at work and sucked my dick until I finished. Then I hung out with this other girl I can’t remember. We got to fuck and I got to creampie her and we went another round and she finished me off with her mouth. The days that I get to cum more than once honestly make me so happy. And there was a lot of those days in 2023.

Sometimes I’ll think about the kind of head my ex gave when I get those thoughts from the journey out of my head, as if to cancel them out. Mainly because if I’m going to deal with thoughts of the past that don’t concern me, I rather think about how much I turned her into a mouth whore cum dumpster. Where I got to a point where I’d grab her hair in a fistful and push her head towards my cock and tell her to open, and I’d end up throat fucking her before letting her do the work for me. I think about how she loved getting me close and shoving every single bit of me down her throat (which ALWAYS amazed me) where I was cumming down her esophagus as she would milk me with her throat somehow. To think there was only 3 girls ever that could deep throat my entire cock. And one of the hardly counts as she struggled to put the whole thing down. And I’ve had a LOT more blowjobs than sex.

And honestly it makes me feel better.

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I increased my income! Indulging in hobbies and going to profit off them. Biking can suck it for now

Probably taking a break from this blog. I’d like to increase my income and indulge more of my hobbies.

That and I need to fix my bike! I miss biking!

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Probably taking a break from this blog. I’d like to increase my income and indulge more of my hobbies.

That and I need to fix my bike! I miss biking!

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I had the CRAZIEST dream today.

Highlights:

Ex friends and my cousin, who I don’t talk to at all, were friends with my girl and I was extremely uncomfortable

Girlfriend did not give a shit about anything, nor seemed to care about me much

I was a secret agent on a mission in a later part, infiltrating my uncles house for an item

Got shot at by my own family, shot back. (which tbh wouldn’t surprise me one bit. My extended family is a bunch of cunts.)

I got shot near my spine, bumped into a cop as I was fleeing the scene, and he looked at the would and told me that I was going to lose the ability to walk for sure.

Then I decided life was not worth living, and I raised my gun at him, knowing he would end me.

Then I woke up 😂

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I swear, infinity can only exist in moments

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So I asked her twice and she said it wasn’t urgent and didn’t want to talk about it. Now I’m really curious what is going on because if something was bothering her, it clearly isn’t anymore.

Her energy reads to be even more happy to be in my company. I’ve never seen her radiate more than she does now. I look at her and she smiles at me.

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Never get too comfortable;

a quote I’ve lived by for ages.

And there is a paradoxical comfort in this.

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My dreams keep telling me, me and her are not meant to workout in the end. It’s been the consistent reoccurring theme.

Apparently she also out of the blue told me “We need to talk, about us.” yesterday.

Hilarious.

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Does anyone ever think about the intimacy that was lost inside you?

The ecstasy you’d feel the first time you held someone’s hand you cared deeply about.

And how it hasn’t been the same? How it will never be the same?

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I really meant it

when I told myself

I would absolutely never

put anyone in a position of power

over me

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