lxwliiet

[lxwliiet]

have I not given enough?

[ This is my entry to the Mooodboard Fanfiction Event. I chose this Moodboard and went with a rather sad theme. My Idea for this was Castiel's thoughts while sitting before an open field in the middle of the night and gazing upon the night sky. In its heart, it is Destiel Fanfiction and it only has 564 words. ]

moodboard by @ash-muses

For a better experience I advise you to listen to "Guilded Lily" by Cults. It is what I listened to while I wrote it, and it will make your experience far greater.

꒰── 🌊 ·ٜ۬·◞ ✦ 🌑⌇

Castiel's pov.

There is a feeling that lingers about me, one I cannot adequately describe—an unshakable presence that follows me throughout the day. I feel it when I gaze upon the sky, when I catch my reflection in the mirror, when I look at Dean. It is elusive, yet if I were to grasp at words that might encapsulate it, they would be these:

Have I not given enough?

Have I not sacrificed all that I am? Was everything I did of no consequence? I have surrendered everything. I have rebelled, I have sacrificed, I have acted with selflessness beyond measure. And yet, Dean still regards me as a traitor. And yet, my own conscience denies me the gratitude I so desperately seek.

I have not seen my true form in what feels like an eternity; I have not been myself in an eternity. I have inhabited Jimmy’s body for so long that it might as well be mine now, though I bear it alone. Jimmy is gone. I killed him. And that is my burden to bear.

I have done so much wrong, all in an effort to be right—for Dean. If he so desired, I would cast myself into the very depths of the Empty without hesitation. I would do anything for the Winchesters, because it is all I have left. I have nothing beyond them. My brothers and sisters are lost to me. Heaven is lost to me. And I am terrified that I will lose Dean as well.

Have I not given enough for him to love me? Have I not given enough to be wanted?

…Am I not enough?

I scarcely recognise Castiel anymore. There is only Cas. Cas—the angel who pulled Dean Winchester from Hell, my greatest deed. Cas—the angel who has become the Winchesters’ plaything. Cas—the angel who betrayed his own kind, who forsook Heaven for the sake of a righteous path that, in the end, led him only to sorrow.

But Castiel—he was a warrior. Fierce and resolute. Obedient and loyal. A commander of armies, and a formidable one at that. A true angel of Heaven, a part of something far greater than himself, surrounded by his own.

Cas is none of those things.

Cas is not a warrior; he is a fool. He acts as he believes is right, yet it never seems to be so. Cas has no orders to follow, no divine command to assure him of his purpose, and when he chooses his own course, it is never the correct one. Cas is enthralled by humanity—by what they do, by what they feel, by what they represent. Castiel never cared for such things. Castiel never felt as humans do.

And yet, sometimes, I wish I could be Castiel again.

But even if I were granted the chance to go back, if time itself were rewound and I was given a choice—to save Dean, or to turn away—I know what I would do. I would make the same choice, again and again, without hesitation. I would endure every loss, every sorrow, every ounce of suffering, just the same. Because to be without Dean, to never have known him, would be the cruelest punishment of all.

I would rebel for him again.

I would kill for him again.

Because he is all I have ever truly desired.

[lxwliiet]

just a small friction of a destiel fanfiction.

Castiel could smell the Alcohol in the air. The sweet yet bitter taste surrounded his every atom, hugging his breath and making him shudder. When was the last time anyone had opened a window here? Dean probably couldn't even smell it and therefore couldn't take action to change anything. After what happened at the Bar, Castiel presumed that Deans Manhood was broken. Shattered by the fear he was not able to experience Sexual arousal anymore. Was it not to his liking being touched by that blonde woman?

After Dean sprinted out of the bar, they both were pretty confused, thinking he just had to puke. But it seems that wasn't the case. Something the two realised after about half an hour: Dean was not coming back. Sam was already half drunk, but still insisted he would search for Dean in close proximity of the Bar. Cas figured there was nothing he could do to convince him otherwise, so he decided to fly to the motel. And here he was. In this room full of heavy air, clogging his system.

He looked at the Guy sitting on the Motel bed. His head in his hands and his arms on his knees. Sitting there as if his life was shattered to pieces. But the only thing Cas could see that was shattered to pieces, was the rest of the Motel room. Everything was everywhere, smashed onto the ground and angrily stomped on.

"Dean?" His voice broke throughout that short word, turning smaller, lighter and quieter.

Deans head snapped up. A look of shock, like trapped prey, on his face. "Cas..." He abruptly got up and pressed the overwhelmed Angel against the wall. Reversing the role of who was prey and who was predator. One hand roughly crashing into his Shirt collar and the other trying to keep his balance against the wall.

Castiel could feel Deans breath against his cheek. His breathing was fast and warm, almost as if he was gasping for air. The Angels eyes fluttered shut as he swallowed the lump in his Throat. Dean was way too close. "Cas.." Deans voice was just a whisper, rough and dark. "Fuck, I can't hold back anymore."

In Cas, an utter confusion was starting to rise. What did Dean mean with that? What was it he couldn't hold back anymore? Was there something that was-

Castiels thoughts were rudely interrupted as two plump lips forged their way onto his. Harsh and rough, yet still with a care for gentleness. With such a lust, a yearning. The yearning for Cas, he could feel it in every bone of his body, the eagerness in Dean that was reaching for him. His eyes widened, but he didn't have the time to process as Dean was starting to move his lips. His mouth tasted like alcohol and the angel seemed to taste something slightly salty, already washing away.

Castiel didn't know what to do. He has never been kissed before and this lightning strike of feelings that was crashing onto him overwhelmed him completely. And then all of a sudden there was no alcohol anymore, just Dean and this fierce sensation. He could practically feel, taste, smell and see nothing else. His mouth started moving, yearning too for that great sensation. Flowing alongside deans mouth in a gesture so full of lust. There was nothing he could do against it, Dean filled every thought, every breath and slowly his entire being. He wasn't able to think of anything else.

Dean pressed his whole body onto Castiel, as his hand that was previously holding onto the angels shirt, was now running through his hair. Feeling it, getting to know every part of it. Every single hair studied carefully to its core. Castiel moaned surprisingly into the kiss as his hands started to wander up Deans body. Settling on his hips, feeling him up. Pulling him even closer, as close as physically possible.

Now Dean was the one who moaned into the kiss, as it started to get rougher. Less careful, more sloppy and so demanding. From whatever side that came from, they both didn't know. It was as if this was meant to be and it shouldn't happen any other way. As if god himself had constructed this situation, this demanding sensation they are feeling.

Cas's hands have reached Deans shoulder and he laid his arms around him, holding him close. Crossing them behind Deans neck.

This was most likely the best combination of feelings the supposedly monotone Angel has ever felt. The excitement, mixed with overwhelming arousal and lust... oh this precious lust.

Something Castiel  had never experienced, never in his long life has he ever yearned for someone so much, wanting to feel every part of him, touch him, breath him in and memorise it all forever.

Deans knee found its way in between Castiels legs and was now massaging the very obvious Erection through his pants. Castiel moaned like he never did before, this feeling was also completely new. Never has he thought of touching himself there, as this was just a vessel. A body he knew everything about, but was still so unfamiliar with.

"Cas.." it was almost a whimper, a small breath between their lips. Demanding, wanting something more.

"Dean.." Cas let his head fall back against the wall as he was breathing heavily. Eyes closed and mouth open, while his arms were still hanging around deans neck.

"Cas, you are so..." Dean seemed to have lost his words as he stared at the Angel.

"... so beautiful."