lupodefae-blog - Tumblr blog

[lupodefae-blog]

PART II.

To this day I still hate myself, I don’t like me. Yes I have friends who care and love me and I love you too. I have a family who cares for me yes and I care for them. I have an okay job which pays. But I hate myself. Because I can do more. I can be the best at something. I can go places with ideas I have and I can be better at everything I'm not the best at. I hate myself because I need someone to prove wrong, but no one wants to be honest and tell me what's wrong with me. I have too many people in life to show they were right and an even longer list of people to prove wrong. I think you think too much of me sometimes… like everyone thinks I can lift mountains of depression and give them a sun portion of happiness, but I cant give what I don’t have and I cant take what I have too much off. But I try my best even if I know I cant, because you need it… Like I guess me making others happy is my way to happiness. I don’t know. I had a friend who killed herself back in high school, I messaged her at least a day before it. I hate I couldn’t help her, I hate myself because I know I could because I did it before… and I didn’t this time. I still kind of hate myself for it. I wanna be the best for everyone, like all my friends, all my enemies, people who know me and don’t. you're my reason for wanting to be better, you're all my reasons to not fuck it all up. I wake up everyday telling myself 'Don’t fuck it up' So for whoever reading this I want you to know I care for you, even if we haven't met. To those I've met I care about you, so come message me or try to hang so we can. And I love you, very much. I guess if I have more to add or a question comes up somewhere that needs an answer I will add to this somewhere lol. Hope you're all having a great night

[lupodefae-blog]

PART I.

So I'm writing this simply because yesterday I talked to someone I have a very serious interest in and after a few minutes into the conversation they said that I haven't really shared much about me. That they didn’t even know I'm from New York and not from here. So I'm writing this at 9:50 because I guess I don’t really reveal much to anyone about me. So what better way to reveal all then to just write??? I don’t know… well might as well start My name is Benigno Agosto III, ya I'm the third. My father and grandfather being the first and junior, but more on them later I suppose. I was born in Manhattan, New York but memories of it at my younger age are pretty fuzzy. My mother is Katie and I get everything from here xD minus the skin tone. My father is Benigno Agosto jr. i… honestly don’t know much about him what so ever. All I know and remember is he is a very abusive man and alcoholic. Which was kind of my reasoning to act certain ways when I was younger and how I cat now sort of. We left NY when I was very young but came by it every now and then just for the trips sake. I met my father one time in my life and called him twice. When I called him I was 8 and I simply said 'hi I am your son' to which he didn’t even remember me, saying I'm not his son. So that was great as one could imagine. I met him when I was 13 and he showed no excitement, no emotion toward a crying kid hugging his dad for the first time. So that was fun as well. Then I called him one last time when I was 20 to tell him how I was, he was doing okay and we chatted for a bit. It was okay I guess. But he wanted me to call him dad, which I refused and explained I couldn’t give a man that title who out right abandoned his son and never gave so much as a happy birthday for his whole life. I feel no resentment anymore, when I was younger that’s all I had but no longer. I have 2 sisters on that side of my family and they are both pretty nice, I see my mouth and attitude comes from that side as well, blessings and curses I suppose xD When I was in the beginning stages of school I guess when my creativity came up, I really liked to draw, I liked singing and pretend to be a knight (which I came dressed to school as when asked to come as what I wanted to be when I was older) I had one friend named Huy. Now Huy was what I wanted to be like because he was SUPER cool and drew REALLY WELL. Like he was drawing DBZ characters in 5 minutes when I was drawing weird trees and little animals in hours and they weren't even good. But he told me to keep trying and I did, my teacher Mrs.Cashmen was my teacher and fully supported me and my like of art and me wanting to be better at it. She saw me as sweet and kind, even though I was super quiet (those who know me now yeah, I was EXTEREMLY QUIET) but other then them it was like I was against everyone… like everyone had something against me so I got into a lot of fights that no one even knew about. Around 3-4 grade, cant remember too well because it was just so long ago I had a major crush on one girl named Sarah. I didn’t know what to do, but I thought a good way to get girls was to be what dad was (bad idea) so I stole her Gameboy thinking if I did I could help her look for it and get her to keep talking to me. Eventually I just felt really mean and shitty and just told her the truth. We stopped talking after that obviously which really sucked. Around this time I was still getting into fights, but I had more friends. I saw Mrs. Cashmen from time to time and she always made me feel better. Huy went to another school from what I recall. But like I said I had friends who talked to me. At this point I gave up on art from the amount of comments about how I sucked and how I wasn’t good, so did the thoughts of being a comedian, and actor, and anything involving art really. I got into more fights, but this time for friends instead of them on me. Because I wanted someone to be there for me, so I thought it would be the same for others. unfortunately a kid proved that somewhat wrong when he and His friends jumped me after school for… w.e. reason. From there I got even more distant and to myself. Around that time suicidal thoughts came into play. Wanted to take pills but I didn’t know what would do anything, I wanted to cut myself but I was too scared of having to feel myself bleed out, I wanted to shoot myself but had no way to a freakin gun. Eventually I attempted to jump off my schools balcony on a Wednesday, I was gonna jump but a my gym teacher came and stopped me, I wish I remembered his name because I really appreciate his words. He just told me about how sad everyone would be if I did do it, family and friends, my mom who lost her brother to suicide. So instead of jumping I got taken to the hospital and had an evaluation right after. I lied and said I was okay but I really I didn’t wanna go away somewhere without my mom, because in that time that’s all I really had. After the event I didn’t make big attempts on my life, instead I just drew, wrote and though about what I would do if I could. All the negative thoughts kind of put me in a weird circle of thinking of myself. That if I don’t hate myself everyone will and keep hurting me, if I didn’t hate myself I wouldn’t get anywhere. If I'm breathing I need a find a way to stop so everyone will just leave me alone… but those were inner thoughts. After around grade 5 or 6 I lost all fucks and just got into fights left and right, and fought back really hard. Suspensions and held back one time for the amount of damage I did to one kid, but never once did I start the fights. I met Cristopher and a few others from my early days. They showed me how to be really happy and helped me get back into art and expression and I got a bit better after that. Crushes became relationships, relationships broke down and I got super sad and hard on myself, then they came to help me get better. I guess those were the better years I guess. High school came!! Well fuck, honestly I didn’t think I would really get that far. Thought id be gone before that. But here I was. I saw a girl who was literally my biggest crush in life like I even took the theater class I was in at the time all because she was going to take it too. Very bad I know but that was my thought process at the time xD I was so bad at flirting and my looks weren't as good as they are now (truly was an ugly duckling) messed that one super bad because I just looked weird and stuff. Had a crush on a new girl who was there only for a few weeks and had to go back to Florida after, but we had a relationship for a bit. We did some stuff I never did before most in a sexual context but nothing crazy. I thought id lose her if I didn’t play to her interests, so I played along with the sexual things so I wouldn’t lose her, I lied about being an awesome graphic designer and got caught lying about that and tried to walk around it all and that kind of lead to a break up. Well earned on my end. But she's doing great which I'm very happy to hear. Lots of relationships from that time and lots of break ups, where I was at fault, they were at fault, it was both parties, and some times there weren't many reasons why it just ended. All around honestly it was fun when it was fun and sucked bad when it sucked. All around alright experience College came and I guess at that time is where I came to be the me a lot of you have met and enjoy the most, so I guess I can ramble about stuff in life between all of the times xD I wanted to be a knight, but no one is being kidnapped and taken to castles anymore and no dragons were around to fight so I scrapped that at a young age. I then wanted to be a comedian and actor and performer, then I was told I sucked and I wasn’t funny. But now I am funny as fuck so to those who told me I sucked can suck it now! Bitches!... Ahem, now then. I wanted to be a vet after that because I loved animals, but I hate school just as much as I love them sooooo that went out the window. Now I'm in school trying to get a degree in Law and Psychology, mostly because I want to be a councilor, because I wanna help people who didn’t get the people I did… because everyone really needs SOMEBODY there. I love dogs, I like comedy and horror movies, even though I scream and freak out I still love the rush of horror, I like sitting at home and just relaxing, I enjoy my friends and hanging outside and going out because I didn’t get to any of that till college really. I like sweets, love chocolate but it makes me break out (what a sad life I live) but I eat that shit anyway because fuck it. I like working out even though I'm not super big yet. I like acting and wanna be a voice actor for fun and maybe be in a game or two xD I hate cats because they are the bane of my existence and they hate me. If its kittens then we can have a nice middle ground. I hate dolls because of my Chucky and a few Spanish movies involving dolls, if you ever give me on I will kick the shit out of it and kick the shit out of you simply because you gave it to me. I hate spicy foods, I cant take the heat, but id try it if you truly wanted me to. I dislike seafood, the texture just feels off, but I can eat sushi!!! Mostly because of the other stuff with it. I hate people who abuse others and hate those who hit women, and if I catch that shit anywhere I have been known to jump in that shit and stop it… even though chances are I will get in a shit ton of trouble or get beat I will do it anyway. I right now wanna start a business but I don’t wanna tell anyone about it because I'm afraid someone will do it before me and I cant risk that, because this business plan is one of the only motivations I have right now. I am called a flirt when truly I just enjoy complimenting people and knowing they are happy and see something good in them, not to gain anything out of it. I have the outward appearance of someone who might model, write awesome stuff, take wild adventures and live a great life with woman and money But I am a nerd in a handsome body xD I play dungeons and dragons, video games, and honesty am super shy despite the mask I wear that shows me being so super out there and up in crowds. I play guitar and don’t think I'm too good at it, I write a lot of poetry and stories… but I hate what I wrote. I take selfies and pictures of things but I hate what I capture on cameras at times. I am a guy who shows so much confidence but really has very little views on himse

[lupodefae-blog]

Me and the pup in the am. So tired x.x

[lupodefae-blog]

Check me and abunch of nerds playing some tabletop games! ^.^

[lupodefae-blog]

Me and Watsky after Warped Tour x3

[lupodefae-blog]

Bored at work x.x

[lupodefae-blog]

Awhile ago with my friends ^.^ gotta love them

[lupodefae-blog]

[lupodefae-blog]

Bless this lovely person

[lupodefae-blog]

Geezzzz such a transformation xD right is me back in freshman year and left is me now (21Yrs. Vs. 14yrs.)

[lupodefae-blog]

Didnt like it enough to post on insta but i like it enough to post on here xD

[lupodefae-blog]

For you I'd run a marathon xD

[lupodefae-blog]

Got a party to go to in August with the wonderful person. My body ia acting like its tomorrow x///D so nervous for no reason

[lupodefae-blog]

Super bed head and watching birds play with the pup. He isn't please that birds are playing where he usually does. Selfish bastard xD hope you all have a great day :D

[lupodefae-blog]

Don't wanna be awake. Worked out and now my body is a wreck. Im just gonna surf the web till d&d today. Pup feels me too, lazy bastard xD

[lupodefae-blog]

When pupper gets visibly mad at me for not making him eggs too xD

[lupodefae-blog]

At a friends place streaming rpgs x3 hope you all have a good one