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Why Remus Lupin never kept the job as quidditch commentator for very long

Remus | McGonagall

1. Language

“What the actual fuck was that!”

“Mr Lupin that’s warning number one!”

“Yes! Gryffindor have the Quaffle! And- bullshit! You can’t do that! Oh, yeah, that’s right Mulciber, flip me off you fucking cheat!”

“Lupin! There are eleven year olds at this game!”

“I’ve been asked not to swear but what the fuck?!”

“Mr Lupin, slytherin seeker is after the snitch, it is your job to tell them this!”

“Yeah well I’m pretending I didn’t see it and so that way it never fucking happened!”

“Quite frankly, Professor, I don’t really give a fuck that he’s only twelve, he’s still a cheating bastard!”

2. Gossip

“And James Potter has the Quaffle! Single, available, handsome James Potter who can be found in the courtyard between seven and- hey don’t take the mic from me!”

“Marlene McKinnon has the Quaffle! And Dorcas Meadows has stopped playing because she’s swooning. That’s right, Dorcas, I see you!”

“Slytherin score. See, James, if you actually went to practice instead of asking out Evans we’d actually be winning this game!”

“Avery intercepts the ball from Longbottom. Because Frank has been skipping practice to sneak off with Alice in the fourth floor broom closet. And other than laid, where’s that gotten you now, huh, Longbottom?”

“Oh, okay, so apparently we’re just going to ignore that blatant bit of cheating from Lestrange. Although I hear quidditch isn’t the only thing he cheats on...”

3. Personal grudges

“Slytherin captain Lucinda Talkalot falls off her broom! But that’s probably just karma.”

“Sirius Black hits a bludger straight into Dirk Cresswell! Maybe it’ll knock some fucking sense into him!”

“Less personal grudges, more quidditch, Lupin.”

“And here come the slytherin team! The weight of their upcoming defeat already resting on their shoulders.”

“You’d think if Nott could afford a brand new broom he’d also be able to afford at least a little bit of human decency but apparently not.”

“The slytherin seeker knocks themselves out! Because apparently he can see a tiny gold ball from a mile away but not the floor from right in front of his face...”

4. Talking about teachers

“Madam Hooch, with all due respect, have you ever read the rules of quidditch?! Like even once! That couldn’t have been a more obvious foul!”

“Oh, joy, Slytherin score. But I blame Slughorn for keeping James Potter in detention during quidditch practice! I reckon he knew what he was doing as well and- what? Apologise? But- okay. Fine. I’m sorry professor.”

“Sirius Black would like me to point out to everyone how dashing McGonagall looks today!”

“Give me the microphone now.”

5. Personal relationships

“James Potter scores! You absolute legend! Find me a better quidditch captain I dare you!”

“Sirius Black successfully deflects a bludger. And no, you’re not the only one thinking that it was incredibly hot.”

“Potter! Potter! Potter! Potter! Everyone join in!”

“Dorcas Meadowes catches the snitch! I told you she was the better seeker! What did I say!”

“Not to be biased or anything, but Gryffindor are going to absolutely win this game, they are undoubtedly the better team I won’t hear anything against it!”

“I’m taking ten points off of Slytherin because you’ve injured Sirius Black and it’s all I’m going to hear about for the next week.”

6. Promoting irresponsible behaviour

“Right, James, no pressure but if you miss this I’ll kill you. I have three galleons riding on this game.”

Ha! Longbottom misses! You owe me a bottle of fire whisky now!”

“Sirius if you hit anyone clean off their broom I’ll do your transfiguration homework this week.”

“Gryffindor win! Party in the common room starts at eight! Bring drinks!”

Why Remus Lupin kept the job as quidditch commentator for as long as he did:

“I’ve been informed that this will be my last game due to some of my questionable language choices. Auditions for my job start Thursday next week at seven o’clock.”

And for the rest of the game, all that was heard being chanted was “Lupin! Lupin! Lupin!”

The auditions were boycotted and not even a slytherin turned up. But Remus did, and so by default he was re awarded the position.

This lasted three weeks before he told the slytherin keeper to “take his broom and shove it up his fucking arse.”

Quidditch games weren’t quite as good after that.

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me, reading my own incomplete writing : *gasp* and then what happened?

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A study on the effects of muggle clothing.

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I need an outlet for my marauders brainrot, so here I am, crawling back to tumblr

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Wolfstar Sketches

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I’m new to tumblr so I’m not completely sure how this works. First post, and it’s wolfstar!

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Double Trouble (Professor Black & Professor Lupin AU)

I can't get the idea of Sirius becoming the Charms professor in Harry's 4th year out of my head!! I read a fic ages ago which followed this idea but it has since been deleted and I can't find something that scratches the itch in quite the same way. I've never posted on here before but I figured I'd share the part I've written and see if anyone is interested!

The night of the 1st September, 1994 started off normally, that is to say, with the wide-eyed panic of dozens of eleven-year-old boys and girls. The juxtaposition of these statements was, of course, entirely lost on the occupants of Hogwarts – the scores of wizards and witches perched eagerly on their benches, watching each tiny eleven-year-old child be engulfed in the brown patchwork of a wizened hat, to be promptly directed to their housemates by a somewhat reluctant cheer from the respective table. 

In fact, the only seemingly strange event was the reappearance of Remus Lupin, Professor of Defence Against the Dark Arts. This was not odd in and of itself; during the previous year, Professor Lupin had been well-respected by staff and students alike. However, excited gossip amongst the students confirmed that – at a shocking rate of employee turnover – no Defence Professor had ever been known to last more than a year. With the rumoured curse surrounding the position defiantly disproved, hushed whispers erupted throughout the tables, only to be quickly silenced by the stern gaze of Professor McGonagall.

Amidst the chatter, few students paid any mind to a seat left empty. Though those who did noticed that Flitwick’s usual space was lacking any sign of the cheerful Charms Master.

As the final first years found their seats, curious eyes turned away from the faculty table to instead focus on more important matters – the overflowing dishes of roast potatoes, beef, and yorkshire puddings which were rapidly materialising from the kitchens below. A few glanced back towards the teachers, confused, finding Dumbledore’s failure to regale them with the standard ominous warnings regarding the forbidden forrest somewhat disconcerting. 

What was more disconcerting, however, was the sudden and rather thunderous boom of the solid main door being slammed open. The intruder – a well dressed, black haired man whose primary goal appeared to be making everyone jump out of their skin (at which he succeeded) – paid no heed to the minor property damage incurred. Instead, he chose to saunter through the entryway with the air of a catwalk model. 

Silence, it seemed, was not the reaction this man had been expecting. In spite of his less-than-warm welcome, his confidence did not appear to dissipate.

“Apologies for my late arrival, Albus.” His voice rang out, aristocracy clear in his eloquence. “I was delayed by… pressing business.” 

No one quite knew what to make of that. At the faculty table, Professor Lupin could be seen with his head in his hands. 

Silence. A pin drop, and then…

“Is that Sirius Black?”