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[lunarconjure]

Birthday Blues

Ahh, birthdays. Funny how birthday's will often either bring feelings of joy & celebration... or they're reminders of a sense of loneliness & unbelonging.

I hate that, for me, it's feeling like the latter this year.

Honestly, I really can't blame no one else but myself.

I've always been an "in my head" kind of person, but ever since COVID quarantining first struck I've taken isolation to an extreme. I've grown closer to my spiritual court, yes, but oh how far I've drifted from my physical relationships.

And any other time I'd probably still be "okay" with the loneliness I've crafted, but my birthday is like the icing on my big ole "You Need Help, Bitch" cake.

It's like I've fallen into a deep, DEEP hole and I didn't realize until I looked around and seen how removed I was from everyone else.

It's hard expressing myself to my friends because I still have deep-rooted issues and thus always try to minimize my emotions. So whatever I do end up "confiding" is a majorly watered down version of how I truly feel. It sucks even more when I do find myself "expressing" myself & rambling on about things and my friends have just a couple words for me. Like, damn. I know I talk a lot, am I starting to be too much for you, too? I know they probably don't want to feel like I'm a burden, but I can't help but to feel that when the responses are lackluster.

The quote "Vulnerability breeds intimacy" rings in my head very often these days. For me, it's easier for me to go down to my altars and weep & pour out my soul to the Creator & my spiritual court... but when it comes to physical people? Well... I can't let nobody see me like that, right?

And that's exactly why I don't feel close to anyone. I'm always waiting on the other shoe to drop when it comes to people. It's tragic how clinging to trauma will have you repeating & these self-fulfilled prophecies over & over again. The subconscious is so damn powerful, and it is either your greatest weapon or foe.

I'd love to think that therapy is the end-all-be-all for getting over these thoughts & cycles, but it's just a tool. When I'm financially able, I'd like to find me one to really kickstart this journey. I'm constantly trying to figure things out on my own, and that hasn't been working out for me. Even with my spiritual court I need to do a lot less "telling" and wayyy more "listening". So damn hard-headed.

By next year's birthday, I will have learned how to allow myself to be loved & celebrated by others. I potentially may never get over some of my deep-rooted fears, but I will have learned how to not let them control my actions & thoughts. Next year, I will be living so good I won't remember this pain... S/O SZA.

[lunarconjure]

First Post... Shit that's on my mind.

Whew... 24 going on 25 in just a few days and the trauma KEEPS popping up. I really thought I'd dealt with most of this shit, but if I'm being triggered then I guess not.

To start this blog off right, I should do a basic proper intro yeah? I'll introduce myself as Red. Age 24 (25 on 7/16). Black. Male.

I don't know how to describe myself these days other than eccentric, yet strangely grounded. I decided to start this blog because... well... niggas need to express themselves. And I, for one, have not been able to properly cultivate that space for myself in my life. In fact, this blog is the start of a new journey of self-acceptance and shame-ridding for myself.

I think the typical Black queer boy growing up in the South has had similar experiences to mine. I wasn't totally rejected by my family when it came time for "coming out", but I definitely wasn't accepted either. I spent most of my life being the smart, quiet kid with a small circle of friends who knew me to be anything other than quiet. I was the odd child in my family that was strangely obsessed with esoteric topics & books from a YOUNG age. I think my first "witch awakening" came with either seeing that one Scooby Doo movie with the Wiccan gworls or seeing bad bitch Raven knocking these hoes out with a quick "AZARATH METRION ZENTHOS" you feel meee. My first gay awakening came when my neighbor's son and I were in his room watching porn together and I noticed I was paying way more attention to him & his lighter-skinned meat than the videos on screen.

Obviously, being both gay AND an aspiring witch was a big fat no. It very much gave "Bitch ya already going to hell, you just WANT to do the absolute most huh?!"...and did! But it's not like I *wanted* to be disobedient... it's just that I've been able to see through the flaws & holes in organized religion from a young age and I've BEEN had questions! Like firstly... y'all really feel comfortable with the idea that after dying we'd be in either Heaven OR Hell for ETERNITY? Like... forever? Forever, ever? All depending on what we "did" during our measly (if even) 70ish years on Earth? Didn't sit right.

And so... I grew up feeling somewhat detached from my family & others around me. It was as if I'd already lived this part of my life and I was waiting on others around me to "catch up", but that never came. I explored different spiritual avenues on & off throughout my adolescence and experienced some good & some downright spooky shit (and since this is MY blog, I'd love to talk about that woowoo shit more). At some point, I was so fearful that I'd "never have a normal life" (cue Normal Girl - SZA) and thus began to denounce some of my more esoteric ways and leaned more into Christianity as a safety blanket from the world I was drawn to but didn't quite understand. I'm sure if I had a guide back then to help me understand my gifts and natural inclinations, then things would have progressed much differently for me... but I didn't.

It's always ironic though how the things that you need to be doing? The things that your soul craves & constantly sends you lil reminders? They will find a way back to you.

And so, my spirituality did return.

And that was about 3 years ago that I started rediscovering that part of myself. I stumbled across Hoodoo and my world began to open up & ancestral memories began to flow. I began to remember the power that I've always held & lowkey feared using.

No journey comes without it's trials though. And in true spirituality, you must come face to face with your shadow. Modern spirituality will try & tell you that your shadow is something to be conquered, smothered out. No, your shadow is meant to be heard, seen, and validated. You know... kinda like how you weren't as a child? Exactly. In fact, I believe that if we could literally bring light to the face of our "shadow", it would resemble a younger version of ourselves. The you who wasn't heard when you tried to express yourself. The you who learned from emotionally absent people how to mold & craft yourself to be worthy of love & acceptance. Your shadow is there to remind you of the wounds you still carry, ignoring them doesn't make them go away.

And one of my greatest wounds is that I've never felt like my voice mattered. Expressing myself came with the threat of the absence of love. So now, with my disorganized attachment style, INFP, type 5W4, and all other things I've researched and researched to better help me understand why I feel so broken... I'm coming back to claim myself. To reclaim my power. To reclaim my motherfucking voice.

As to not drag this first post out, I'll leave y'all with these last couple sentences. I'm a firm believer that until the blood runs cold in my veins, I am VERY much capable of making change in my life. And you are too. This is a step for me, and I want to hold myself accountable to continuing this online journal of sorts... if not for me then for someone else like me.

We'll chat soon. <3

~ Red