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lumpyheadspace-blog · 6 years ago

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I’m feeling lonely but I’m going to talk about the time when I wasn’t feeling lonely

Hey again! I’ve been feeling a little alone these past few days/weeks despite being surrounded by people. So instead of ranting about how bad I feel or whatever negative stuff, I’m just going to focus on the positive and talk about some of the smile-worthy things I’ve been wanting to share here for the longest time but failed to slot in the time to do just that.

okay so on the 21st of February 2019, someone (me duhh) was feeling quite like crap. (It may seem like I’m always feeling like crap but I promise that’s not true ;p, I actually am quite a bubbly happy person generally lol but sometimes maintaining that stamina can be hard amirite?) Okay so basically, I just missed some of my old friends terribly and going on social media seeing some of them getting the chance to hang out together whilst I was stuck here catching up with deadlines and quizzes and presentations made me a little extra emotional (?) Not to mention!! Period season was coming up haha ugh sucks to be a girl

Anyways, I ringed up one of my dear friends, Raneiah and true enough she was hanging out with another dear friend of mine, Kar Yen. Raneiah put me on loudspeaker and I talked to the both of them about rubbish stuff until I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore and I just started sobbing and sobbing because heck!! I missed them a little too much :(

I guess they felt a little sorry for my emotional ass lol so Kar Yen spontaneously decided to pick me up in her (very expensive, very cool two seater Audi car). I was a little hesitant at first as I had a presentation to prepare for the next day but I just ditched everything and went ahead. I squished myself with Raneiah in the passenger seat, basically sitting on her lap with my head ducked down as low as it could possibly go 😆 We didn’t have a destination in mind so Kar Yen and Raneiah decided on stopping at these stalls of a bazaar that was ongoing in the university compound.

Kar Yen parked at a reserved parking spot without care, of course I mean oF COURSE SHE WOULD DO THAT hahahhaha but it was night time anyways so there wasn’t really anyone else.

We had chicken uncle bob, some takoyaki and despite my broke ass, we bought tealive as well hahaha. When I’m with Kar Yen and Raneiah, I always feel a little more care free. I’m able to let loose a little more, be stupid without feeling stupid and I can just let them know anything and I mean aNYTHING without being judged. They bring out the crackheadery within me and their hyperness makes me hyper tooooo and it just makes me want to act crazy like there’s no tomorrow :> RIP my english here ;)

There was a zumba activity going on and those who were interested in joining were required to sign up. However Kar Yen and Raneiah (and their crackheadery) basically dRAGGED MY SHY ASS TO DO ZUMBA THERE AND THEN. WITH EVERYONE ELSE WEARING PROPER ZUMBA OUTFITS, WE WERE WEARING ‘’GOING-OUT’’ CLOTHES WITH ‘’GOING-OUT’’ SHOES AND nOT TO MENTION OUR HANDBAGS omGEEE we got quite a lot of weird stares but at the moment we were just living in the moment, being crazy and not really giving a single care about it all, (well at least I tried my hardest to join them in doing so)

After like 5.6 minutes of doing Zumba, we got bored and decided to leave the place lol. We walked back to Kar Yen’s car and again, we did not have anywhere in mind. In the end, Kar Yen opened the upper roof of her car (omg yeS HER CAR HAS THE OPEN-UP-ROOF FEATURE) We drove around the university compound aimlessly, with music blaring from the radio. Mind you, I was still sitting on Raneiah’s lap (ofc, where else would I sit) only this time, I stuck my head out like a dog with the wind blowing against my face, music blaring in my ears and ahhhh in that moment I felt truly happy and even if it was just temporary I felt free from all my worries.

There was a point where we took a wrong turning (thanks to my terrible sense of direction) and we took the road leading us out of the university, meaning we hAD TO PASS BY THE SECURITY GUARDS WITH OUR LOUD MUSIC AND OPENED ROOF??!! PLUS WE LOOKED EXTRA CRAZY AND DRUNK AND PROBABLY HIGH HAHAHAH IT WAS HILARIOUS.

We were fine tho, once we got back in we drove around the whole university again and looking up in the sky, we could see a few bright shining stars. Kar Yen parked her car up on the hill and we just star gazed for a bit from her car. We had a mini karaoke + tea spilling session. I can’t even express how free and happy and ‘’infinite’’ I felt in that moment. I kinda felt like how Charlie from ‘’The Perks of Being a Wallflower’’ felt when he stood in car with his hands spread out as his friend drove through the tunnel on the bridge, truly infinite.

I guess that was all there was to that night before they sent me back to my college dorm. I was sad to leave them but I felt recharged and rejuvenated in a way hahah as dramatic as it sounds. I was eternally thankful to God that he decided to remind me of what I have when I was in a situation of feeling like I had nothing. It just makes me love God even more, and to think that He really is out there listening to my heart, my feelings, my desires, my dreams, my good intentions and my bad intentions even, just softens me up a little bit.

I think I’ve rambled on a lot so I’ll stop here :) I don’t know who will read this but whoever reads it, I hope you know that good things will come your way, if not today then soon. Thank you Raneiah and Kar Yen for making me feel a whole lot better, I don’t know if you guys know, but you guys mean a lot, a lot and I mean a LOT to me <3

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lumpyheadspace-blog · 6 years ago

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11:14 pm

It’s 11:14 pm on the second of February, I’m just chilling on my bed with my furry pink blanket while wonderland by Taylor Swift is blaring on my speakers. I wish the song would fill this weird annoying void in the pit of my stomach but it’s not working!

I would say, today was quite a weird day. I woke up quite early today, probably because I was sick with a terrible cold last night and I took some liquid medicine (only because I cannot swallow pills) which put me to sleep before 12 am, and let me tell you, that does not happen often since I’ve developed the habit of becoming a night person ever since college started. The first thing I did when I woke up was check my phone to see if maybe this one person (let’s call this person A) has bothered to text me yet. Still nothing. Whatever!

I went to make myself some scrambled eggs for breakfast and I ate my very delicious and tasty (if I do say so myself) meal while watching one episode of stranger things beyond and three episodes of an animated Netflix series called Carmen San Diego. I’m honestly in love with the animation, I wish I could do draw like that....maybe one day, idk. Also, I think Carmen is the coolest and I wish I could go to crime school too hahha.

I also made a birthday card for one of my friends today. She loves pink, avocado and glitter so I made a sparkly pink avocado handmade greeting card for her. Pretty impressive huh!

Anyways, throughout the day was basically a string of me-checking-my-phone-to-see-if-A-texted-me-yet’s. I truely have no idea why I bother so much because I swear I don’t have feelings for A!! or maybe that’s me being in denial. Just last week, we video called each other twice and we talked for what felt like hours. I’m sure if sleepiness wasn’t a thing, we’d still be talking haha. The annoying thing is it always seems like I have to initiate everything!! Every conversation, offline or online or even video calling! Ugh I just wish A would initiate it for once. My friend tells me it’s my fault tho ( part of me knows this but my stubbornness won’t let me admit that) because I was the one who friendzoned A in the first place lmao and A is probably shy and worried that A might bother me or something? idk, I’m trying so hard not to be a clingy, attention seeking bitch. Actually, what’s pissing me off more that A not initiating anything is the fact that I’m feeling this way!! The last thing I want is for me to get attached to somebody again :( but uh oh! does this mean the start of me-getting-attached-to-another-human-being! AAAAAA I WANT TO SCREAM YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST MIGHT SUCK UP MY EGO AND TEXT A FIRST UGH THIS IS SO S T U P I D!!

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lumpyheadspace-blog · 6 years ago

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There’s so much going on and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

Hello, I’ve created this tiny space as an outlet for me to be myself ---- to talk about anything I want, be whatever I want, post my bad art, and my good art, channel my thoughts and the list goes on. Kinda like a safe space I guess.

Anyways, this is my first post and I’m going to talk about how angry I’ve been this week. I have so much built up anger inside me from I don’t even know where. I guess I’ve been bottling up so much negative energy, it’s getting unhealthy for myself and I’m afraid it would affect the people around me as well. So I guess I’ll just rant here? It’s my safe space after all.

So here it is, my current list of things that has been bothering me lately:

1. I’m angry at how clueless I am about the direction and I’m heading for towards my future. My foundation year is coming to an end in about three months and I have no idea what I want to major in. I’m envious of people who have their goals and ‘purposes’ figured out while I’m still stuck here feeling lost as ever. I’ve always idealised at the thought of being an artist, curating art installations, have pieces in art exhibitions, open workshops to teach and interact with others who have common interests, do commissions, make people feel something, do murals and the sort. but hey!! I have doing science my whole life and it would be crazy to do a 360 turn amirite. Afterall, with a sibling sloe to my age who is good at numbers and the sort, I would definitely be looked down on if I do choose something in the artistic field. So, I thought of architechture and I just might pursue it but it sucks when your parents tell you that it’s more of an ’extroverted’ degree and unsuitable for someone like me who is more ‘introverted’!! I mean!! can we stop with the labels. I don’t think people can be just introverted or just extroverted, there are so many versions of a person depending on many different factors such as the surrounding people, enviornment, one’s moods and feelings and the sort! Ugh basically, I could talk about this topic forever but yes I am so very clueless about my future and it scares me a lot. a lot. alot.

2. My two close friends have been hanging out a lot together this past year ever since highschool ended particularly the later half of the year (after I entered my foundation course ugh) , and I’m always left out! And it makes me so angry and sad and salty. I want to be included and I hate not being included. I mean!! I don’t live that far and saying things like it was last minute planning is a bullshit excuse because why can’t they include me in their last minute planning then! I already feel lonely enough. I hate this.

3. I’m envious of people who have the right connections. I crave deep connections with people that I consider important in my life and on days where too much is going on, I hate feeling the need to talk to somebody only to find I have nobody of that sort really. On days like that, I’d rather be alone. I’m envious of people with best friends, with their so called squad or even soulmates. I’m envious because I’ve always wanted that but it’s so hard. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me that maybe not many people want to confide in me or do I just not belong? Or maybe I suck at making friends. whatever it is, it’s hard and I wish it was easier for me to get comfortable around new people instead of being the stupid slow burner that I am. I hate myself.

4. I’m angry because I’m not where I want to be, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, I don’t know why I’m here, what my purpose is and I hate it all! I feel like everyone around me is progressing and I’m stagnant . I want to talk to somebody and I’m in serious need of a good long hug as I cry because honestly I want to talk to an actual person but I don’t know who the fuck to talk to. I guess that’s all for now. I still have so much built in anger but I don’t know what it is. All the strings are tangled and I don’t know for sure! It’s driving me crazy :( I hate it all :(

I just want to go home, and cry alone

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