lovewhatcouldhavebeen-blog

[lovewhatcouldhavebeen-blog]

What could have been: Story of my life

Hey tumblr, Ive been gone for a very long time but I am back and ready to spill my guts like never before.  I am in a dark place and need a safe haven to vent it all out without it interrupting my daily life. Everyone I know was sick and tired of my having the same thoughts 4 + years ago let alone now, so there is nobody i can vent to without feeling like a burden, also no one understands what its like to be feeling like this so they can't help even if they wanted to. 

My issue is with a guy, a guy who was only in my life for a very short period of time, 8 months total, 6 in the actual relationship. This guy has broken my heart more then once in the last 6 years and I haven't even spoken a word to him.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

Gah, tumblr, I don't know where to even start to get myself of this very dangerous track. 

Okay, the back story, I meet this guy, well truth be told he basically stalked me for 3 years and I didn't even notice him, he was always around and i just did not know, he would wish my happy birthday on my Facebook every year and always ask if ill be in town, Hell its been that long ago I don't even know how officially we started talking. Before long he was all i could think about, he had me wrapped around his little finger and I did not care, he is what i wanted.  Fast forward 2 months and I am as happy as I have ever been, we are in a boyfriend girl friend relationship and i swear he is the one. flash forward another 6 months and He has broken up with me by a text message out of the blue. three days prior we had a heart to heart and I talked to him about my worries and afterwards I was on top of the world, I thought we were unbreakable and then boom that dreaded text that tipped my whole world upside down! 

I was un absolute mess, I did eat for a whole week, I only ate when my friend dragged my out the house and bought my food. My heart was broken and I didn't understand why. This all happened October 2011, In December 2011 said Boy went to NZ for a contiki tour,  and come home just before christmas, I saw him for 10 minutes as he signed my documents for my passport, soon after that I saw via material friends that he brought home a GF from the tour, Que. my heart to break again. I was a right old mess as I secretly thought we could work things out after his holiday, I thought he may have not wanted to worry about me while he was away but I was so wrong! 

This made me go on a massive rampage and I ended up sleeping with my male friend who was an to some an Issue in our relationship.  I did not feel good about this, I was ashamed and felt guilty, like my ex was right about something even though i still never got an explanation of why he broke up with me. 

I was finally moving on and enjoying life until the dreaded easter of 2012, I have never hated an holiday like i hated this Easter. Back Story, We got together easter 2011 and it was the best thing ever, it was the start to the truly happiest I had ever been, so a year later without him was heartbreaking, let alone going back to the camp spot where we got together. My best friend at the time was still friends with him and she thought it would be a great idea if he came camping with us, I said from day one Ill be okay with it if he is, bet you can all guess what happened?! 

While we were away every time I walked into a room he would walk out and go somewhere else, he did not say one word to me at all, the one time we were together in the same room he asked a question and I answered it,he completely ignored it and asked the same question again, I have no idea why he was being like this but I had enough. I drank more alcohol than i should have and then i spat the dummy, I tried driving home that night, luckily no one would let me drive. The next day I had calmed down but that night he and my best friend did something, i honestly don't know what because this is the one time the blame is all on me, I was an immature fuck head, I can admit that now, but still it hurt the way he was acting, so i drove home, I didn't even tell anyone I just packed my shit and left.  The remainder of the weekend I cried and cried and cried. 

That was the end of my ex for a while. I found a new BF, who i have currently been with for 5 years now, I also have a new best friend who lived 3 hours away, funny enough she knew my EX, but didn't really see him that often. One night she came down to see me and we hit the town. She didn't have credit on her phone and she was using mine to message me ex to meet up, He 100% knew it was her and not me, I had moved on, I was in a relationship, hell I wouldn't have said no to meeting him, in a friend way but It was not me doing the texting! After a few hours of trying he sent a really horrid text aimed at me saying its all my fault and why do i keep trying to contact him he wants nothing to do with me, that again broke my heart as I had done nothing to him what so ever. I admit I did cry that night but it didn't last very long. That was the night where my liking for him turned to dislike.... so i thought. 

Its been a long time since that last point of contact but like i said he still manages to break my heart. 

My new and current boyfriend knew i was a head case before going out with me and assured me he will help me through anything because i am worth it, he is such a sweetie. Into our 9 or 10 month mark of being together I just broke down crying because every single thing I did reminded my of my ex, to be fair he lives on the main road near my house which i drive EVERY SINGLE DAY. MY bf was very understand, well as much as he could be, he still wanted me and didn't hold it against me. I am very thankful for that as I probably wouldn't have been that understanding if my BF said he still loves his EX. 

I soon got over that and realised I was being stupid, as my EX has been nothing but horrible to me since his text message break up. another 6/8 months down the track I have this feeling inside of me and all i could think about is the EX, don't ask me why as I can't explain it, its just the feeling i had. I checked his FB and Instagram page and see he has a GF, which makes me sad for a little while, maybe a week max, again I have NO IDEA WHY, I am completely in love with my BF and we have just been an an amazing overseas holiday together, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! Again another 6/8 months goes by and i get the same damm feeling! I try to fight it this time but it takes over me and i cave, so i check his profiles againg and this time i see he has broken up with his GF, I don't do anything as I know deep down he isn't good for me and 100% because i love my BF. 

this cycle has continued every since then, checking his profile every 6 months or so and it always seems to be when he gets a GF or breaks up with one, its like I know! I don't do it just check up on him, i do it because this feeling takes over my whole body and consumes me, It freaks me out, I know your probably saying its because i can see it on the timeline or what ever but its not, 4 years ago I started a New Facebook and didn't friend request him and I have never ever followed him on Instagram, so every time i check i have to physically click onto his profile. 

The last month or so has really hit my hard because he has gotten back with his ex from 2014, I don't just know that, it was written in a post of theirs, i don't stalk that much, I promise. Ive been thinking and basically obsessing over what could have been if I jut flicked him a FB message or something all those times Ive had that feeling. I always say everything happens for a reason so why did i not follow through on the dam feelings! 

I did use to snap chat him, this was about 3 weeks ago but he has since blocked me on snap chat, its not like he ever replied or was even my friend so i couldn't see his story or anything. So i was clearly annoying him with the snaps I sent. as you probably have guessed by now, it break my heart a little when i noticed he blocked me. I was an emotional mess and on the verge of a mental breakdown but I snapped myself out of that. Its been a total of 4/5 times he has managed to hurt me since 2011 and for some reason i still pine over this guy. 

I tell my friends I have now that I know what I am saying is totally crazy and i sound like a fucking moron but i just dont know how to stop myself from feeling this thing. I am still with my current BF, we have been rocky the last few weeks so I'm not sure if thats got anything to do with this damm feelings for my EX or not but its driving me BONKERS! 

Do I sit here and wait till see if he ever breaks up with his current GF and then try to reach out to him or do i just stay being totally mental, HOW DO I GET CLOSURE? ITS BEEN 6 FUCKING YEARS!!!!!!!!!! FUCK! 

What I'm basically saying if its TLR is that I'm an emotional nut case who still has feelings for the Ex after being broken up for 6 years and in a current relationship for 5.