lovethejoyfuljourney

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

not new, big, bright or shiny, but a pretty beautiful THIRTY : reflections from my 29th year on earth + glimpses of where 30 could take me

for those of you who are new here, welcome! i’m so glad to have you join me on my journey. let me quickly preface the read to help set expectations, especially since it’s been a while.

my prose is lowercase unless i’m exaggerating a point. 

my writing style is also short, gritty & staggered. it is intended to be read like we think. messy, raw and real.

many of you know me as one of the following:

- capt. robbie wolfe’s daughter :)

- the chick with type I diabetes that advocates for patients + does research

- Christ follower, led by faith (on most occasions, though the goal is #all )

- the rebel of “the twins” (though some of you would switch us!)

- wilmington local: born, raised and never leaving (that’s what you think!)

- surfer, swimmer; athlete of all trades but never gets too serious 

my goal for this post is to change any of these perceptions, especially as we look back at how well I did sticking to my 29th manifesto and move onward and upward to THIRTY.

here goes nothing. [fun thirtieth birthday pose on a party bus below]

last year i wrote this long manifesto about ROI as it relates to LOVE and how I could aim to LOVEbigger in my 29th year on the planet.

below, i've provided excerpts of the manifesto, along with [my raw reflection on how well i did on each].

my manifesto for year 29 - written 365 days ago

1) LOVE the LORD your God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength; and always LOVE what you love without boundaries or limitations, because there is a reason you LOVE what you LOVE so much. 

[i invested A LOT of my time and energy into loving others over the past 365 days:

new friends and women in Christ that i was trusted with the responsibility to lead;

new clients and relationships with others making a big impact in healthcare;

new patients and young adults in transitional phases of their lives;

and of course, Matvey :)  

i didn’t write about it as much as i wanted to, but i embraced every second of observing how my intentional manifestation of love into others’ lives has had a profound impact in producing fruit in my own life.]

2) dreamBIG. the dreams for developing your life have always been big. they’ve also always been possible. don’t stop dreaming and don’t stop chasing them. dig in and dream on!

[serendipitously, i met someone over the past couple of months who has changed my perspective on what i wrote above.

someone who is always forward thinking (like i was when i wrote my 29th manifesto), because he has to be.

someone who’s realized how precious time is and makes me look back on the last 365 days in a way i wouldn’t have before.

while i believe i have helped him see the importance of being present (thanks God!), he has helped me lean into my dreams again and motivated me to change the perspective from which i want to make a difference in the world.

...because of this, I would say i had lots of dreams in the 365 days that have passed. only a few of which actually produced fruit. the rest fell by the wayside because there wasn’t enough time, energy or resources to help me make it possible.

...as i write, i remind myself that “with God, all things are possible.”- Matthew 19:26]

3) LOVEbigger than your doubts, fears and feelings; and the return on investment.

[i gave up lots this year in pursuit of LOVINGbigger.

i recall my own personal pride getting buried in the process. (sianara ego!)

i've wrestled to LOVEbigger these past few months in this slow waiting season.

it feels like it is lasting forever by how slowly things have moved and failed to take the shape in which i saw being molded.

i am reminded by reading this, however, that doubts, fears and feelings get in the way of faith sometimes... and all that’s needed is LOVE.]

4 )Whatever you do (if it’s work, play, relaxing, leading or loving), do it with ALL your heart, as though you are doing it for the Lord, not men.” Colossians 3:23 

[this was posted on my phone background, desk, and computer screen. i also had daily alarms at 10am that reminded me of this truth.

it helped me re-center the focus on my work, knowing that the requirement of me was to steward my gifts well so that more will know the love of Jesus...not more about me.]

5) set & stick to boundaries so you can do everything you choose to do with ALL of you. don’t fall in the gray zone. stay focused.

[focus (and not allowing distractions) proved fruitful for me for most of those 365 days...

until i realized (a few months ago) the monotony of “targeted” time.

i bobbed in this focus.

and did well in my first semester of my doctoral program.

...i continued “well” with my work, and still have lots of ongoing patient advocacy efforts. all great things.

among the many other things like investing time and energy into leading small group and Christ-oriented missions. 

the “itch” and longing for change continued to bubble up in my own world... i lost focus after the one chance i knew God would prove He was faithful in for this needed change was lost.  

not in His time.

i wrestled with Him.

ask the women in my small group. 

i was livid.

...and it wasn’t reason enough for me to turn and run from God, but it was reason enough for me to share my disappointments in Him with Him.

...and in the process so many other things were brought to light.

because of my “sutck-ness,” i did an exercise to help me move forward to do “my next right thing” in love. 

the list of things that give me life includes:

-taking risks

-changing things/making things better/innovating

-building things

-writing, reading, teaching

-connecting on shared interests with others

-creative margin

-doing things and giving things for and to others

the list of things that drain life from me include:

-talking to people about people instead of solutions or ideas

-busyness

-jumping straight into my TO DO list with no quiet time/creative margin

-procrastination

-the need to always answer and my sense of urgency creates anxiety

interesting that in the list of things that give me life, most of these things are NOT a part of my day job, while most of the drainers are a part of my day job.

... still in the heeding and waiting, but I've allowed my focus to shift for now so i can feel alive and motivated while i wait for the little baby steps i’m taking to unfold into something bigger for us all.]

6)...but identify which kinds of bright shiny objects (or distractions) set your soul on fire. for these “squirrels” let your mind and heart wander because it is these bright shiny objects that could be your real calling

[see exercise above, under the things that give me life.

i've allowed my focus to shift a bit and allow building and growing new ideas]

7) because of your faith, be the David against Goliath; remember that all things are possible.

[needed reminder now, as i start taking baby steps of faith in a season of waiting before the bloom!]

8) SMILE and say YAY a lot. it brings YOU joy, and sometimes it also brings others the same joy. for those whom it doesn’t work for, love them through it and keep saying YAY!

[i stuck to this one just fine!]

9) be graceful with your words, actions and reactions. you’ve come a long way in this arena- no need to stop now!

[there have been some good moments and some that have also been more challenging over the last 365 days. 

many of the lessons i’ve learned have resulted from my leadership of others... some lessons I've learned because i led poorly, and others, because i led with love.]

10)  rest. it’s okay. :) 

[...and i find myself here.

writing.

in my creative margin.

reflecting and sharing my heart with you, instead of churning out more work.

this is where i find my peace...

and so instead of homework, today writing will be just fine.]

11) if you want it, ask for it. if not, don’t settle.

[this is where it has started to get a tad more messy, my friends.

i’ll spare you the details, but i will share with you that i have asked.

and the answers were never ones i wanted.

nor were they ever very clear.

instead, they took me down this path of what i thought would lead me to greater potential, in partnership, love and beyond...

rather of getting what i wanted, i learned lots along the way.

life is too short to settle for circumstances, relationships and jobs that don’t set our hearts on fire.

and, although it hurts and sucks to grow through the hard, 

we learn...

and i LOVEdbigger along the way.] 

12) remember, one foot before the other. baby steps lead to balance.

[i got so good at this one over the last 365 days, i think i’m teaching others this new trick :)]

13) it starts with love and ends with self-control.

[Galations 5:22-23 <3]

14) read. it makes you learn and connect with people in a way that you can’t, otherwise.

[i've started an exercise of sharing hard copies of books I've read with other people i see out. 

it doesn’t matter who, but those i observe and feel pulled to share with.

i leave little love notes inside and have found this small act of kindness goes farther in my own heart than it may in theirs.

for me, words are huge... love notes are something we can all use more of, right?!]

15) write. this, too, is a platform for you to connect with people who you may not otherwise connect with.

[again, why i’m here instead of doing biostats homework for the end of the semester! #intentionalsacrifice ]

16) be courageous.

[...or radical.

or both!

i've learned that being courageous or radical doesn't have to be some HUGE newsliner.

it can be the simplest, smallest form of responding in a way that is unlike anything people expect.

if done with love, and not out of self-service, i've found that these smaller acts of courage leave ripple effects in the hearts of others.]

17) pause before you speak and act.

[deep breath in. deep breath out.]

18) be observant. notice when there are opportunities to LOVEbigger...and if they aren’t apparent, create them.

[prior to last year, the fear that drove me in not sharing my heart with others was not meeting expectations and/or not being enough.

i have loved the people that i've shared my life with these past 365 days.

i've been open and honest, without fear of judgement at the beginnings of all relationships.

i grant new people access to in my own heart, and because of the trust that is quickly established, countless opportunities have presented themselves over the past year to learn how people need LOVE in bigger ways.

all because i determined that fear is the thief of joy, and honesty makes room for trust and love]

19) remember that you are undefined; but also that you live with a disease that, if uncontrolled, could kill you. don’t take your sweet life for granted.

[i invested in the dexcom g6 system, which is expensive, but totally worth the peace of mind it gives me when i am sleeping alone.

...also, i wish i would’ve seen this a month or so ago when i was with other patient advocates (so no big deal, right?!) and i had a little too much to drink ( #oops )

...no one knew low protocol and well, let’s just leave that here. 

thank God i woke up.]

20) hug people. you know that people up north don’t necessarily like it. do it anyway- science shows it releases endorphins :)

21) dance like nobody’s watching. and if they are, invite them to join.

[all day!]

22) life’s too short to be too serious. laugh lots.

23) lead by example. practice what you preach. <3

[honesty has helped with this because we help set expectations by allowing ourselves to be real in our conversations.

this is a really vague way of stating the obvious.

if i screw up, i've learned to own it and hope this honesty eases tension for others being held to similar standards.]

24) get in the saltwater at least once a week. it enlightens your spirit and reminds you of blessings.

[this didn’t happen as often as i’d hoped, but Matvey helped last summer :)]

25) “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.“ remember this when you lead others. teach them how.

[upon reading this, i've realized i need to survey my peeps! how am i doing?!]

26) never give up hope in anything.

[let’s jump back to a couple of months after i wrote this manifesto last year...

i had HUGE falling out with my manager, after they told me that HOPE (one of my primary action drivers, mind you) has nothing to do with success.

i truly felt hopeless.

i was done.

over it.

because i knew that HOPE manifests itself in many different ways- one of which is passion- which oftentimes makes for success (in one form or another).

after i found this Harvard Business Review article, all i wanted to do was throw it in their faces and say “look! hope is a strategy! told ya!”

instead, i noted the feelings of pride i felt when i realized i was right... so i tucked it away instead...and shared later, when it wasn’t for “payback.”

there are various other circumstances that may seem like a loss of hope in my life over the last several months- including that wrestling match i had with God.

...really, it’s been more of a transition of hope- from one thing to another, growing, learning and loving through each moment.]

27) whenever you have doubts, be reminded that miracles exist. you are proof.

[why didn’t i read this to myself every single day last year?!

there have been many times of doubt this year... this reminds me to take it easy in the waiting and to expect miracles in this process.]

28) be ALL you. it’s beautiful.

[in all of the messy, raw, exaggerated, loving, smiling, joyful, quirky, giggly, extra, HAM that i am, i sure have learned to love all of those things more this year... it helps having others to help you realize that each of these characteristics are gold!]

29) stand firm + shine on.

[and i can’t help but go back to sing “this little light of mine, i’m gunna let it shine”...]

So on to THIRTY

my manifesto to 30 looks a lot more simple because i’m working on de-cluttering my heart, my mind and my body...

so just one additional directive:

#30 : instead of answers, seek Him.                                                                                           take risks + fly, sweet girl.

...and stay close to people who make you feel like sunshine :)

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

sprints, extremes & technology that enables balance : a conversation about people & health standards

 my purpose for sharing this very personal information with you is two-fold:

1)      to come out from behind the blinds and share a very real struggle that i’ve always had with food, due to a childhood diagnosis of an auto-immune and metabolic disease, Type I Diabetes (T1D).

2)      to propose solutions that can be implemented in the ever-changing policies of healthcare and drug development. these solutions can help us more proactively detect psychological impacts and behavior patterns for patients living with chronic diseases, in hopes of providing preventative care to mitigate developing co-morbidities.

i never knew i had any sort of problem beyond the fact that i would have to take synthetic insulin for the rest of my life. my introspection and research on the topic proved me wrong, however.

i am a patient living with T1D, now, self-diagnosed with an eating disorder related to living with this chronic disease.

i, like many living with T1D, was diagnosed as a child.

in first grade, i can remember my classmates relentlessly saying “i want diabetes too! you have snacks ALL the time!”

snacks, you ask?

yes. lots of them.

available at all times of the day.

snack time was the best part of the day, for most.

little did everyone else know, eating was a chore for me.

i was already tired of fruit snacks. the endless supply of fruit roll ups, gushers and air heads made me feel victim to food.

eating regularly was required of me to live. or so I had always been told.

something that seemed so joyful for everyone else, was not for me.

why?

because i was taught that food was required for me to have at all times during my early diabetes education, now over 25 years ago.

nevertheless, “breaking the rules” by eating outside of school snack time made me a “cool kid,” so i played along.

as a 10-year-old, i was finally old enough to go on an insulin pump.

this gave me more freedom from the relentless snacking needed to maintain control.

i grew into puberty, trained as an athlete and the hormonal changes caused crazy sugar swings, meaning that routine snacking was still a requirement.

as i approached college to be a pre-med student and prepare myself for a career that would help me contribute to the cure of my disease, the experimenting began.

while many of us with T1D are very dependent on others, we aren’t usually as quick to admit this dependence. We often spend our lives trying to prove that we are as independent as one could be and fully capable of doing ANYTHING we set our minds to.

what does that matter within the context of behavior and living with a chronic disease?

it matters because what i discovered in college and beyond is that the slightest patterns of exposure form habits. this is true in the context of people without a diagnosis.

in the framework of my own medical history, however, patterns of others’ behavior and my own diabetes education had an even greater impact on how i’ve perceived and treated myself over the years.

now, back to my childhood.

diabetes education is a bit overwhelming as a 6-year-old, and i’d bet anyone else, too.

even at this young age, my parents, twin sister and i were taught the “rule of 15.”

this meant, if my blood-sugar was anywhere below 70mg/dl, I would consume 15g of carbohydrates and wait 15 minutes before re-checking to make sure my levels had risen before proceeding to continue what I was doing beforehand.

seems simple.

but unfortunately, it’s not. especially for those of us living at the expense of a synthetic insulin produced by drug manufacturers.

time and time again i’d go low- just slightly under that 70mg/dl mark.

and time and time again my parents would treat me with sugar.

fruit snacks became the quick acting treatment for us because many of them have 15g of carbs. we’d eat a pack and wait 15 minutes; only to find that my blood-sugar was even lower.

we’d eat another pack.

and wait another 15 minutes only to find that it’s still too low.

over and over again. multiple times a day.

this momentum was not sustainable.

for me.

but more so, for my parents; both working full-time jobs and running a family owned (fishing) business.

so after changing my insulin regimen a few times, with failure, we started fast-tracking the treatment process for lows instead.

it was the only logical choice.

instead of treating with 15g, we changed to 45g (yes, a full meal of carbohydrates) and we’d pair this with a fat or protein to ensure it stayed level.

seemed to work.

i only realized later in my twenties that the social glam of food didn’t appeal to me.

you see, that pattern of treatment stuck even after i got through puberty and became more controlled.

as an opportunist, i’d go low and see that as a chance to eat whatever goodies i could find fast. 

at the conclusion of undergrad, the social norms of being fit (and my pursuance of a fitness journey) spurred on a behavior pattern that i’ve termed “closet eating.”

i recognized that i got excited to go low.

so i would overdose on insulin to keep my blood-sugars this way, giving me a medical excuse to eat whatever i wanted.

for the most part, however, i’d keep it secret.

no one would know that i’d just eaten the entire bag of oreos (except my husband, who helped me realize i was sick)!

because if they knew, they’d also know that i’d blown my diet and failed at self-control.

my pride got in the way here. i couldn’t let anyone know that i was a binge eater.

thus, my medical necessity for food became an addiction.

a crutch.

an excuse to allow me to indulge in foods that i shouldn’t otherwise be consuming.

the cycle of overdosing to overeat and under-dosing to under-eat became a part of nearly every single day and so did my two-a-day workouts to maintain my figure.

I KNEW this was a problem.

but i lived in this world and continued to push boundaries until just about 6 months ago.

at this point, i realized that i’d been doing this because i believed the LIE that i was told when i was a kid. during my nutrition classes it seemed that “i NEEDED sweet food to survive.”

i fed into this lie and failed to confront it out of fear.

my fear of success. the success of having controlled blood-sugars and a healthy, balanced body that doesn’t rely on food to keep sugar levels normal.

i confronted that fear.

i threw out all the processed foods in our home.

i stocked up on fresh fruits, veggies, proteins and healthy fats.

and i bit the bullet and finally invested (yes, it’s expensive) in a Dexcom G6 Continuous Glucose Meter (CGM).

this gave me information about the trends of my bloodsugars in real time.

now, when i even begin to drop low, i can see the downward arrow and proactively treat before i plummet. this enables me to use the rule of 15 again; now with fresh fruits, healthy fats, patience and reassurance that its working, instead.

while i won’t say i’m completely free from the chains of sweets i was bound to before, i’m making strides in my health by recognizing the decision triggers (with relevance to stress and bloodsugar levels) that caused me to binge eat.

why is any of this relevant to you, and to drug developers, doctors and policy-makers?

because i’m not the only one that has had my health behavior and psychology impacted by the diagnosis of a chronic disease.

and because these behaviors aren’t uncommon.

there are 8 million reported cases of eating disorders in the United States (1). of these 8 million cases, 7 million are women. and to give you a sense of how this mental health disorder is exacerbated in those with chronic disease, at-least half of these women live with t1d or another auto-immune or chronic disease that requires tight control to live (2).

wow.

big mental health impact on comorbidities here, huh?

recognizing these patterns can help us treat patients better within the clinical trials process and beyond.

treat patients better

management of chronic diseases have shown an impact on self-perception based on diagnosis, training and early patient education (2).

for example, diabetes requires close control of many things beyond blood-sugars, including (but not limited to) body states, weight management, types and amounts of food consumed and the timing and content of meals. on top of this, some foods are labeled “good” and others, “bad.“

stigmas, in this case, associated with certain food groups, create a sense of worth and value (or lack thereof) based on our choices.

success meant that i chose “good” foods 100% of the time.

i wanted to be “good.”

and because of this, i’ve had an “all or nothing” mentality for all of my life. 

i’m an extremist. 

very competitive with myself and others.

i never gave myself the chance to “balance” because the elimination of things (food groups) was all i’d ever known.

i had a reaction to someone telling me about “balance,”one day.

i immediately thought, “that’s half-assing and i’m a full-asser.”

there’s a famous quote referenced by many; “life is a marathon not a sprint.”

however, with the “eat this, not that” nutrition education i received as a child, i naturally trained myself to eliminate anything that distracted me from getting to my proverbial finish line in whatever the circumstance was. 

sprinting was the only way for me.

which brings me to my point on treating patients (and people) better:

what if we changed the way we delivered our diagnosis and early disease education? what if we illustrated balance and acceptance of people at all levels- through small acts of kindness? 

what if we refreshed every 5-7 years with our providers or used an existing mobile app to develop new habits?

what if we listened and empathized to people (i think lots of us do, already!)?

what if we followed patients and started asking more specific questions in the review of systems during medical exams?

this is a policy change that could allow for us to track thought patterns and identify risks for greater outcomes and co-morbidities.

in my own case, for example, if my endocrinologist asked me if i struggled with carb counting or food my answer would likely be “no.” 

but if i was asked what my typical food intake looked like on a daily basis,

and if i was purposefully excluding certain types of foods and why,

my answers would reveal behavior patterns (some of which would be closely linked with my blood-sugar numbers) that would show an unhealthy relationship with food.

in drug development, this policy change could increase the information collected in trials and has the potential to reveal greater efficacy and/or superiority through patient reported outcomes (PROs) and even validation of new endpoints.

and that’s just the beginning of the positive change.

Want to know more about how you can help?

Connect with me and let’s start the conversation.

i’m colleacting information from patients, providers, caregivers and those interested...and i want to hear your opinion and experiences!

sources:

1. Eating Disorder Statistics. Eating Disorder Information and Statistics. https://www.mirasol.net/learning-center/eating-disorder-statistics.php

2. Between Children's Diabetes and Eating Disorders. Eating Disorder Hope. https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/special-issues/diabetes/children. 

EXCERPT OF THIS IS PUBLISHED IN Life Science Leader Magazine, November 2018 issue. https://www.lifescienceleader.com/doc/chronic-disease-management-and-the-need-for-control-0001 

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

awkwardhands + LOVEthat’sBIGGER

pregnancy.babies.children.kids.teenagers.

...and my inability to be nothing but awkward when it comes to any of the above topics.

my body language is usually the dead giveaway that i’m uncomfortable when it comes to all of it.

“what do i do with my hands?” is the question i struggle internally to answer when it comes to situations involving these things

it’s been on my list of prompts to write about since Christmas, but i've been in a writer’s block funk almost all year.

instead of trying to get out of the funk, i recognized it was okay to record my observations mentally and rather than write to share them, enjoy them and just be. 

to get lost in the moments.

the little ones.

and the big ones.

without the stress of keeping up with a discipline (writing) i’d spent all last year trying to develop.

these awkward hands

stem my fear of being a mommy.

this fear, i've always instead portrayed in a way that would build me up to look like a R O C K S T A R woman that is driven + motivated to make a difference... but with tunnel vision around the healthcare industry and my career.

really though,

i’m scared. 

i always have been.

what am i scared of and why?

1) 24+ years ago when i was diagnosed with type I diabetes, there were limitations to having a healthy pregnancy while living with T1D. 

i learned about this as i learned about how to treat my symptoms and live my life.

...and as i learned about how to set expectations.

for myself.

and for others.

while i’ve been very atune to prove that i am limitless (thanks, God!) when it comes to living with my disease, this stipulation from years ago left a hole in my heart that forced me to fill it with other tangible things.

like choosing to plan my career over even acting like i wanted to plan to have kids one day.

“...because if it’s too complicated for me to become a ROCKSTAR mommy one day, i may as well choose to do something that will make a difference some other way,” i told myself.

2)  now that i've launched my career, i have to focus to make the impact i want to make. 

my goals.

my vision.

...not His goals.

or His vision.

i will either be inadequate at being a mom.

or inadequate at doing my life’s work.

i won’t be efficient enough.

and i’ll take too long.

and now, as I type this, i think to myself,

“who am i to say that THIS IS my life’s work?!”

“what if i’m called to do something different?!”

how do we even begin to figure this out?

3) even if, one day we do have a child, foster a child, or adopt a child, we will be irrelevant at that point and the family won’t care.

this really is a deep rooted fear that i KNOW is silly.

it’s a lie i've been fed by the enemy.

it’s one i've continued to believe because of my experience- with my family and fears that were perpetuated during the darkness of my life in 2017.

again, not HIS experience.

my own.

i felt challenged and pulled to step out of my comfort zone with this, and to share in mission work with nick.

we started seeking ways to give back and test out the waters of parenting when we were blessed with an opportunity with Matvey this summer.

the chance to LOVE someone who didn’t expect it gave me so much joy!

so much that i wanted to share it with others, especially family.

we made this announcement around Christmas last year, but it seemed like no one cared.

again. lies.

there were no questions about our decision.

where it came from.

why we’d chosen this route.

what our plans were.

nothing.

instead, they asked my brother and sister-in-law about when they would have children.

the lies perpetuated jealousy and the yearning for affirmation from family.

and not once did i get it.

have you ever done the right things, only to seek affirmation from the wrong people, like i have just shared?

it’s difficult.

but it happens almost daily, right?

approval syndrome is something our culture thrives on.

G O O D_ N E W S.

no one can affirm us better than God can!

LOVEisBIGGERthanfear

and God doesn’t give us fear.

instead, He gives us hope to battle those fears.

...and look at what He dropped into my world almost two weeks ago:

meet M A T V E Y.

he’s eight years old and lives in Belarus.

he has 3 other brothers and sisters.

he came here with gift boxes of Russian chocolate, and 2 changes of clothes.

he loves cars and wants to be a racecar driver when he grows up.

he doesn’t have cars where he’s from, in Belarus.

he enjoys playing outside and pretending to drive Nick’s jeep.

his critical thinking skills are UNREAL.

he can translate and speak some English and has averaged learning one new word per day by watching us point and listening.

...and he’s taught me way more to life than i ever thought possible in just 2 short weeks with him.

he’s taught me that i can have awkward hands and still be a good mommy... because i have a husband that will fill the gaps and teach me along the way.

he’s taught me that i can pursue my dream career and embark on the journey of mommy-hood...and be a ROCKSTAR at them both. 

he’s taught me that i may not ever be ready, but that i must remain steadfast in my faith and “go” when i’m called to.

he’s taught me that people may say things sometimes because there is deep-rooted hurt in their own hearts.

...that they don’t mean it to hurt me... and that i can use these situations to LOVEbigger with them by finding out how they need love...then share it with them.

he’s taught me how to play legos.

and soccer [i was never a soccer player!].

and how to use our own leaf blower.

how to fold and organize my clothes. [he’s REAL particular!]

how to wash the dishes. [he likes to help and doesn’t believe in dishwashers!]

...and that learning how to swim requires two things only:

1) lots of courage

2) and resilience

in just T W O - W E E K S, this boy has changed my perspective on what it means to sacrificially love another human.

not for any return or credit.

but to LOVEbigger, so that he may heal while he’s here...and so that i can heal, too.

[card from Eliana Riviera-Burke] <3

he’s shown me that my life’s work isn’t ONLY healthcare.

that healthcare is definitely a part of it...but he’s shown me that, with a husband as nurturing as mine, our life together will entail a lot more than JUST this.

that i can use my career to reach people and make a big impact.

...and that my life can reflect the same impact in a mini-life, like his.

he’s taught me discipline + grace.

and that the grace we portray each day can make the difference and be part of our purpose...to reach other people, including kiddos.

{shout out to our beautiful niece, Ellee [happy third birthday, sweet girl!] & future Baby Shear!}

on deck

we will definitely keep you updated when the time comes... until then, we are educating ourselves on the fostering and adoption process and staying hopeful that my awkward hands will tone down during Matvey’s stay with us.

batter-up

for now, you can find me loving on my sweet family, including Matvey; planning a big welcome for our future niece or nephew (Baby Shear), staying faithful in pursuance of this DrPH degree & confident that my t1d no longer puts me in the bucket of “unable to live through pregnancy.” 

to those of you mommys + daddys, soon-to-be mommys + daddys; to those of you trying, adopting, fostering; to those of you being the best aunts and uncles in the world; and to those of you, like me, who don’t know what the plan is yet...

you are the real MVPs.

:)

PRAISE GOD for LIFE + LOVE, y’all! 

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

The Manifesto: 28 to 29

year 28 was the hardest, but most rewarding year of my life.

it was hard because i didn’t set boundaries.

i fell in the gray

& then flopped into darkness.

i lost a lot of wisdom here,

right before i lost a lot more than that.

thank God it was all temporary.

and all a part of His design.

though it was hard, 28 was rewarding because it was a season of growth, of building trust and of resting in God’s provision for me to step out and do a lot of things in faith- including making my journey from darkness back to light, very public.

the season for me, at 28, was rest.

i don’t think i lost any friends, though i’ve learned that we’re all in different seasons.

some relationships ebb and some flow during different seasons of life. 

one relationship that has stayed constant (though dynamic and supportive) is the one i have with God.

i have learned that what you put in (the amount of heart, soul, discipline and commitment), will multiply blessings out. 

through my recognition of this, i’ve gained new friends.

the lifelong kind.

the kind that invest their energy into me, like i’ve done for others, only to be disappointed in the outcome.

the kind that chase God and encourage me to do the same.

the ones that challenge me and pray for me.

the ones who uplift me when i’m too stubborn to see that i need uplifting.

the ones who are patient with me- long enough for me to learn on my own and meet them where they are, once i get there too.

these friends (more than those pictured, and all of you) are blessings to me.

you are seeds of joy in my life- regardless of what season you were planted.

thank you for investing in me.

digging in and finding root

over the past couple of months, i’ve continued to step up, dig in, and do it.

i got tired quick.

as many of you recognize, i’ve always been on the go, 1000MPH.

at 28, though, i realized that it’s okay not to be.

it’s okay to recognize the need for rest.

to cut off.

to disconnect.

mine and nick’s relationship was birthed with annual international trips across the world and various other domestic trips sprinkled in.

we told ourselves we’d rather invest in experiences than material things.

with the hustle and bustle of both of our work lives (yes- I just compartmentalized, though I’m not a huge fan of this because I LOVE what I do), 28 became the season with none of that for the two of us.

you see, during year 27, i invested all of my energy into anything and everything beyond our relationship.

leaving me at 28 with no time or energy to invest into travel with him.

so, to ring in 29, nick and i took our first shared trip in over a year and a half. 

we used our miles and points to go see a place we’d never seen and do things we’d never done.

beyond the real reason why houston was our destination of choice (our spitball landed there on a map), is the fact that i was reminded by re-reading our vows that life was passing by too quickly…

“…i choose you. to travel to the ends of this earth and smile so wide it hurts with. to challenge, support, inspire and cherish…to share every moment of this life with; for together and now we are richer and we are healthy, but if one day that changes, i’d still choose you to do it with.”

this trip offered a new opportunity to pause + reflect.

27 represented me not choosing nick.

28 meant choosing God first, then nick. 

and, just as God’s timing works,

29 will be rooted in God first, nick second...and when time and motivation allows, connecting with people to LOVEbigger, third...and probably some other cool stuff :)

ROI

on our flight home, i recognized that the love i give to others can, in no way, be expected in return. not because the people i love can’t love back, but because the WAY they love is not the same way that i love.

i think this observation of my feelings stems from the growth i’ve had over the past year…it became apparent in discerning who called, texted, posted and sent cards for my birthday- my initial reaction was that HOW you celebrated with me also meant this was HOW MUCH you loved me.

i know that’s not true though, because i know that LOTS of you love me!

you have lives and celebrations (praise God!) and struggles you deal with too.

the love you have for me is not limited because you forgot to share and celebrate with me. i've realized that it’s simply a matter of me not being high-enough on the priority list for you…and the good news is, that’s okay!

…because i am God’s priority...and so are you.

and now, at 29, this confidence in God overflows enough to love without boundaries and not expect anything in return…

it took 28 years to get it, but thank God i did!

...and i hope you have and/or will one day too.

thanks to those of you who’ve taught me how. <3

so- here’s to twenty-nine...and 29 pieces to a new vision and mission for my life...

...because the ROI isn’t the return i gain for my investment, but the return He gains.

my manifesto for year 29

1)      LOVE the LORD your God with all of your heart, mind, soul and strength…and always LOVE what you love without boundaries or limitations…because there is a reason you LOVE what you LOVE so much.

2)      dreamBIG. the dreams for developing your life have always been big. they’ve also always been possible. don’t stop dreaming…and don’t stop chasing them. dig in and dream on!

3)      LOVEbigger…than your doubts, fears and feelings…and the return on investment.

4)      “WHATEVER you do (if it’s work, play, relaxing, leading or loving), do it with ALL your heart, as though you are doing it for the Lord, not men.” –Colossians 3:23

5)      set & stick to boundaries so you can do everything you choose to do with ALL of you. don’t fall in the gray zone. stay focused.

6)      …but identify which kinds of bright shiny objects (or distractions) set your soul on fire. for these “squirrels,” let your mind and heart wander because it is these bright shiny objects that could be your real calling.

7)      because of your faith, be the David against Goliath…remember that all things are possible.

8)      SMILE and say YAY a lot. it brings YOU joy, and sometimes it also brings others the same joy. for those whom it doesn’t work for, love them through it and keep saying YAY!

9)      be graceful with your words, actions and reactions. you’ve come a long way in this arena- no need to stop now!

10)    rest. it’s okay. :)  

Matthew 11:28 "come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

11)    if you want it, ask for it. if not, don’t settle.

12)    remember, one foot before the other. baby steps lead to balance.

13)    it starts with love and ends with self-control.

14)    read. it makes you learn and connect with people in a way that you can’t, otherwise.

15)  write. this, too, is a platform for you to connect with people who you may not otherwise connect with.

16)  be courageous.

17)  pause before you speak and act.

18)  be observant. notice when there are opportunities to LOVEbigger...and if they aren’t apparent, create them.

19)   remember that you are undefined...but also that you live with a disease that, if uncontrolled, could kill you. don’t take your sweet life for granted.

20)   hug people. you know that people up north don’t necessarily like it. do it anyway- science shows it releases endorphins :)

21)  dance like nobody’s watching. and if they are, invite them to join.

22)   life’s too short to be too serious. laugh lots.

23)   lead by example. practice what you preach. <3

24)   get in the saltwater at least once a week. it enlightens your spirit and reminds you of blessings.

25)   “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” <-- remember this when you lead others. teach them how.

26)   never give up hope in anything.

27)   whenever you have doubts, be reminded that miracles exist. you are proof.

28)   be ALL you. it’s beautiful.

29)   stand firm + shine on.

+1 to grow on...

30) eat cake.

also:

please note that the promise of 29 includes some good news, still in development... but i can feel it in my bones + i’m trusting the BIG MAN on this one!

the changes in the pipeline are pretty radical.

so stoked to share in them with all of you!!!

...to each of you- thank you for being a part of my journey. <3

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

it’s a NEW YEAR! size up + dream BIG + share : rinse . rest . repeat.

as i began writing this, my initial intent for a message morphed into something different because, hey! it’s almost a new year. better make every second count, right?

this is about dreams.

and also about sizing them up,

chasing them, 

finding rest when we get overwhelmed by the constant buzz to meet or exceed others’ expectations of us,

and it’s also about sharing them.

...

dreams.

were they developed when we were children or after our hearts and minds were drowned by what our dreams should look like, based on expectations of the world?

i think it’s the latter.

nevertheless, we dream. 

and dreams are important in determining who we are and will be.

the world tells us that the big dreams are for people who make big differences and the small dreams are for people who are weak.

but the world is wrong.

all dreams are big when it comes to God.

He is BIG, afterall.

Jeremiah 29:11 reminds us to dreamBIG.

“For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

-size them up-

when dreams are applied to the context of goals, the good ones are GOOD.

they are usually BIG goals, right?

the kind that take lifetimes to chase.

but what happens to our hearts when we decide to forego chasing them?

has this ever happened to you?

me too.

we lose sight of what once was, what could be and what was everything we ever wanted.

the potential we had...

it disappears, doesn’t it?

we bombard ourselves with thoughts of failure and forget that we are totally capable, don’t we?

we forget that we are totally capable because we forget that we are actually, totally His.

so what happens when we remember again or discover it brand new?

do we go for it?

are we courageous enough to do it?

i would argue that we are.

we

just 

need

a 

little

push.

has this ever happened to you?

a push that comes in the form of falling to your knees at the lowest of lows?

or a push that results from the raising your hands in the highest of highs?

it’s happened to me in both situations, too.

what about those in-between times, though?

why couldn’t those times be for pushing and chasing, too?

(image sourced from flickr. Pavros Madvridis- Endless Time...and it’s confusing, right?!)

they can.

because God never stops working.

so, whatever season we are in, let’s chase them!

-chase them-

let’s chase them, not to prove something or to become the world’s version of “successful,”

but to live loved and show others how.

let’s chase them because we are courageous,

and we hope others can find the same courage.

let’s chase them because someone else needs us,

but is unwilling to ask.

let’s chase them because dreams were meant to be made,

not just dreamt.

we’ve had some that we chose to never chase.

and some that we’ve given up on.

but then there are some we’ve been chasing our entire lives, and still, there’s no light at the end of the tunnel.

these ones- the ones we’ve stuck to chasing- have morphed and changed in some way over the years, thanks to our circumstance.

the smaller decisions about what we do with our time,

which way we turn,

whether we drive,

ride our bikes or walk... 

...they add up and change our circumstance.

this also changes the lens from which we view our dreams.

for the ones we chose not to chase and the ones we gave up on...we lost sight of those because of something.

but what was it?

was it other competing priorities?

or better dreams?

perhaps we will blame it on the lack of time to get the job done?

again, we forget that we are really, totally His.

but what about those ones we stuck with? 

the ones that have become like play-doh and have morphed and changed, due to our circumstance?

how (and maybe more importantly, why?) have we stuck with THESE dreams?

think about how we’ve learned and grown over the years. 

we couldn’t walk or talk or read or write overnight, could we?

how did we do it?

we practice.

now, what’s your WHY?

in my last post, i asked if you ever felt like the goals you have (or want to have) are too big.

i went on to share excuses for why my own dreams were too big.

and how eventually, i decided they weren’t.

but why, suddenly, weren’t they too big?

the short answer, and my why:

things that seem impossible can be made inevitable by faith.

i know that sounds silly.

i know that we’ve not all witnessed miracles.

and that we don’t all have faith in people, let alone a God we’ve never seen.

for me, though, 

the second i stopped believing i could catch those big dreams on my own,

and instead, claimed dependence on my savior;

the second i re-recognized i needed a love much deeper than the love of my mother, father and husband;

the second i took my eyes off of my own worldly dreams, trusted God to give me new ones to chase, and the power to chase them,

He showed me He will.

always.

-rest in Him-

so now, let’s jump forward.

those BIG dreams of ours.

motivated by our whys.

the ones that seemed too big, but we decided to chase them anyway.

but how do we know they are the right ones to invest energy in and chase?

have you ever pursued something you’re passionate about, seemingly (to others) blind to the risks?

what may be a trivial task to you and seems mountainous to others, and you feel called to move ahead?

this has happened to me many times.

in the corporate world, I've been called “naïve,” “inexperienced,” and “overly optimistic.”

my initial response to these supposedly constructive criticisms was heartache.

i altered my actions and reactions to appease my audience.

until one day i realized this wasn’t naivety or inexperience, and it certainly wasn’t being overly optimistic, because that doesn’t even exist! (do you feel me?)

i wasn’t defined by any of those terms or any of those people.

what they saw in me wasn’t naivety or inexperience.

it was FAITH.

it was HOPE.

it was LOVE.

and, in the cubicle space of a very serious, very regulated clinical research company, there was good reason for efficiency, productivity and standard operating procedures.

but there was no reason for not connecting with people and patients like they have beautiful hearts and brilliant minds.

they aren’t data points or numbers, after all.

so, as Mother Teresa says to, i did it anyway.

this eventually opened doors for me to move into a role built for connecting.

at the other end of the spectrum, dreams and things that may seem small to others, take a tremendous amount of effort for us... yet we forge ahead.

do mountains need moving?

that’s okay.

i, too, have been there.

and He moves them.

either way,

no matter how big the mountain is,

i was reminded to rest knowing this:

even Jesus, the son of God, said this:

“Father, everything is possible for you...yet not what I will, but what YOU will.”(Mark 14:36)

so, the answer to the question:

how do we know which dreams (or “whys?”) are worth chasing?

we REST.

we commit to not allowing anxiety and stress to provoke us because our dreams seem too big.

we ask for clarity and direction.

we trust.

we wait.

and in the season of waiting, we remain joyful and pursue Him (like He pursues us).

our to-do list:

it prioritizes connecting with Him instead of checking things off the list.

the things that require us to work, we work for them “with all [our hearts], as if working for the Lord, not men.” (Colossians 3:23)

and one day, it will all be clear.

it will be a “EUREKA!” moment and we will want to throw ourselves into the work immediately.

so let’s do it, and chase Him.

-chase Him-

the to-do list now includes pursuing Him.

but what’s next?

the dream.

is it a long-term dream or something more readily tangible?

what are the steps to get there?

for the long term ones, how can we fathom a plan to reach it?

we don’t!

again,

we trust Him and take the first step.

it can be a baby step, which may not seem like anything is getting accomplished.

but another baby step will inevitably need to follow.

a baby step cadence will be formed.

this cadence can be a joyful dance to remind us that we are closer to our dreams now, than we were yesterday.

#transformationtuesday anyone?!

through discipline,

and through obedience,

little daily progress will be made,

so long as we chase Him in the process.

-share them-

have you ever felt like the dreams you chase are coming true, but there’s not enough “dream pie” to share?

or like the success of others takes away from your own? 

me too.

many times.

this is when we fall victim to competition and comparison.

many of us are familiar with the famous Teddy Roosevelt saying, “comparison is the thief of joy.”

in this same vain, is coveting - one of the ten commandments in the Bible.

Exodus 20:17 states “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male or female servant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.”

so why do we do it?

why do we allow comparison to rob us of our internal joy and gratitude?

because the world teaches us there’s only one pie to share.

because if they get their piece before we get ours, they will have more than we do.

this makes it hard to celebrate.

as much as we want to jump for joy, pat them on the back, hug them and congratulate them, we feel deprived.

rejected.

these feelings have surfaced for me, during times like the ones listed below:

like the time when our (female) colleagues got promoted before we did.

or when our friends got married before us, and some, even after us, but in a more inspired way.

or when they have babies before us and they become amazing mommies before us.

or when they are praised for being better wives, teachers, daughters, granddaughters, aunts, mommies and sisters, without any credit to us.

or when they go on more vacations than us,

or to better, more exotic locations than we could ever afford.

when they get caught up in the abyss of life’s new responsibilities in their job, as a new mommy or a world-class traveler, and leave us left in their dust. 

alone.

and even when that’s all said and done, they continue to inspire, influence, motivate and cling to truth better than we do.

and also,

when all we really, truly want to do is celebrate wholeheartedly with them.

But we can’t.

i became very aware of some of these emotions while reading Lysa TerKeurst’s book, Univited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely.

in Chapter 10, titled Her Success Does Not Threaten Mine, TerKeurst references Stephen Covey’s book, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Be Proactive

Begin with the End in Mind

Put First Things First

Think Win-Win

Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood

Synergize

Sharpen the Saw

being somewhat confident that i possess these 7 habits, i read through it quickly and reflected deeply on what Covey defines as The Scarcity versus The Abundance Mentality.

“people with a Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit - even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the success of other people.

the Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flow out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity.”

as i reflected, i recalled times, like the ones listed above.

in these times when great things were happening for others, were there times when i couldn’t wholeheartedly celebrate with them and give them the praise and credit due?

yes.

of course there were.

talk about ego crush.

the reason why i felt this way, though, came down to feelings of rejection.

of being less than.

not enough.

not what others expected me to be.

and even not what i expected me to be.

as i became more self-aware of the feelings, it also became very clear that this mentality needs to change.

in a world where comparison is natural and competition is accepted, i had to realize that the success of others can only compound and help my own successes.

TerKeurst reminded me in this chapter that “the harvest is great, but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into His fields.” Luke 10:2.

i clung to this truth and it motivated me more than ever to dream, chase them and chase Him- and to do it together and encourage each other along the way.

i moved forward with more focus on abundance and made it my mission to genuinely and intentionally uplift others up for their successes, every single day.

i started trying to connect with strangers in the grocery store.

and sent cards to people who’d likely not expect one from me.

it seemed to be going smoothly.

and yet, over Christmas, i found myself falling victim to another enemy scheme.

motherhood and aunting.

an insecurity of mine.

if you read my last post, you know that the skill of nurturing relationships with babies & kids has never been a strength of mine, because it wasn’t until recently that i realized i actually needed to practice!

while i’ll save you the details, let’s just say that nick and i are the only one of three grandkid couples that has never discussed having children, until the opportunity to host a child from Belarus was presented to us. (there’s an underlying reason why that i’ll cover in my next post...for now, it’s relative).

on Christmas, i wanted so badly for this family to recognize the longing in our hearts to do things differently.

to focus our efforts elsewhere and give love to a child, who unlike the child we may one day be blessed to raise, can’t heal without time to rest.

by doing this differently, it is not our intent to de-value any bit of the greatness of “the traditional route.”

from the family children we have been blessed with (and will soon be blessed with), to the sacrifices and the love.

these are all things we are grateful for, prayerful for and something our Belarussian blessing will need when he comes (more on this, too, in the next post).

as Christmas day continued, however, i heard talk of the new makings of an anticipated & prayed-for great-grandchild... it seemed like a million times that i heard it (the minute i began thinking this, i knew it was a scheme).

and then, presents for my sweet niece---the attention shifted again.

as stoked as i was for all of it, i suddenly understood how my husband must’ve felt his entire life, as the middle-child. :)

forgotten?

no. though there is some humorous truth there...maybe a little more slightly looked over? ;)

not once was there a mention of our decision to host a child from Belarus.

not.

once.

“there goes the enemy getting after me again,” i thought to myself.

feeling captive to the attention i sought from his side of the family after receiving an overwhelming blessing from my side of the family just two days prior, i leaned on truth.

this has showed me a lesson on true humility.

as i wrap up this post, i find myself drawn back to the book of micah:

“act justly. love mercy. walk humbly.”

going out in truth, even on this shared mission with nick, requires me to let go of my longing for attention.

that “need” is of my flesh.

period.

in so doing, and reflecting on the hustle and bustle of Christmas day, we loved on one another and celebrated a pretty jam packed year.

i can wholeheartedly say that i am elated for all of that is to come for our growing family.

and the reason i can say this with honesty, is because i realized very quickly where the thoughts of being forgotten came from.

the enemy.

i quickly prayed myself out of it by saying,

“Actually, devil, I am chosen, remember!?”

at the end of the day, it’s a season of life that nick and i are in...waiting.

in terms of dreams, though, that won’t stop us!

let’s dreamBIG?!

as we head into 2018, i hope that you will join me.

rest. rinse. and dive into something big with me.

be bold.

be courageous.

connect with me.

i want to know how i can uplift you while you chase your dreams!

let’s support each other, encourage and enable one another to be successful, in whatever that form of success looks like....

because, when she dreams big, we all dream big. “all tides rise when we see a sister making the world a better place with her gifts.”

here’s to a new year and a whole lot to LOVEbigger for!

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

this love is jumbo ::: marriage on a mission

in my last post, i asked you to remember “sanctification,” what it means and the fact that i learned about it. i also asked you to remember that i held my husband to a standard which he would inevitably be unable to meet. 

i came back to dive into this a bit more.

turns out, God continues to show me more with each passing second.

His humor is great, but His grace is greater. 

this grace has taught me:

that it's okay to feel defeated by lies, to be broken and undone.

have you ever felt like you’re at rock bottom? 

alone?

me too.

but the beauty of this less than optimal circumstance is that this is how we become aware of the consequences of believing those lies, and we can find the TRUTH again. 

that the darkness of the past year was the impetus needed to realize that my entire life is intended to grow closer to God and reflect him more and more with each day, hence my “lesson learned.”

that consistency in The Word helps develop wisdom (Proverbs 4), more than experience ever will...hence the reference in 1 Timothy 4:12.

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity."

that wisdom (knowing the TRUTH) produces the fruits of the spirit (Galations 5:26), starting with LOVE and ending with Self-Control...and, although challenging to put into practice, they really do make for a better life when we err on the side of action.

have you ever felt like the goals you have (or want to have) are unrealistic, and even intangible, because they are so big?

or that, even if you start, you won’t be able to finish?

me too.

then i asked myself why?

all that resulted was excuse after excuse.

so, instead of shrinking my goals, i met my excuses with courage, and i dove in head first. 

...”it starts with love...and ends with self-control,” i kept telling myself.

when i took baby steps with self-control (the fruit that I have least of), blessing after blessing poured out.

...not because of what i did. 

but because i did it with faith that my God would keep His promises.

that my priorities are not His (sometimes), but that His are always better...trusting His promise creates internal peace and outward JOY!

i.

prayed.

so.

much. 

this.

year.

repetition taught me how to pray.

most frequently, i found myself shower praying.

kinda like singing in the shower.

but praying.

...because it was guaranteed.

quiet.

warm.

undisturbed.

and more importantly, consistent.

every.

dazzling.

day.

that this relationship, consistency, and growth has become a personal priority, which also means i am a priority for the enemy to bash back down.

putting on the "full armor of God" is essential (Ephesians 6:10-18). 

have you ever gotten knocked down, to get back up...only to get knocked down again?

did you begin to recognize why you got knocked down, like i did?

the patterns?

the behavior?

yours?

theirs?

what are the triggers?

do they change with each circumstance?

mine did, but there was a common thread.

that my focus was always on God.

like the time I tried to join a small group to surround myself with women who can help me walk with God.

---the first time, i showed up to the wrong Panera.

---the second time, with a different group, i got into a 5 car pile-up on the    way. 

---the third time, with a third group...was a charm.

shoutout to the 3 Ps for your help on that one! [prayer, patience, persistence].

...speaking of small group, His grace also taught me:

that we can't do it alone, which is why God gave us relationships with people. (Matthew 18:20).

that "yoking" ourselves (or committing our lives in marriage) with unbelievers is not encouraged because of the dependence we have on support from other believers. (2 Corinthians 6:14).

wait. what?

LOVEbigger though, right?

i thought we were supposed to LOVE one another, regardless of beliefs?

these thoughts and the resulting anxiety from it flooded my heart, as we discussed this in small group one evening.

...“but my husband?!” was all i could get out, as my heart closed up in fear.

i started justifying my love and re-defining the scripture to fit my own circumstance.

“but he’s accepted Christ before... just has questions now,” and “he’s literally the most like Christ human i’ve ever met.”

these were my own edifications on the circumstance and how it fit with scripture.

it wasn’t right and i knew it. 

it hurt and i didn’t understand why i couldn’t be in love with someone who doesn't believe. especially when i married him for a reason.

...and then i learned that, if we do choose to vow our lives in commitment with unbelievers, we must prioritize God (in a different category) so that they may come to know Him too. (1 Corinthians 7:12-14).

and just like that, the Truth  (+ grace) met me where i was at...again!

LOVEbigger is real, after all, y’all!

PHEW!

...i’ve also learned that

THIS LOVE is JUMBO

i sit here in the JUMBO beanbag chair that my husband got me for our two year wedding anniversary. 

after some months separated from him this year, learning to prioritize my relationship with God & rediscovering my passion for reading and writing, I refocused lots of my energy on the disciplines of making small, healthy, habitual changes. 

to start this (and for the first time in my life), i opened the Bible to read an entire book, in an attempt to eventually read all 66.

you heard me right.

not a verse.

not a chapter.

an entire book.

after praying and doing some research, i decided on Romans because of the way in which Paul writes to his audience in Rome.

google told me that Paul tailored his message of love and Christianity to speak in formal prose, directly to Romans, who would expect it as such, and thus be more accepting of his message. 

i figured i better teach myself how to write my own book like this, since he seems to have nailed it!

as i studied Romans, i continued practicing my patience, gentleness, forgiveness and self-control... and of course, praying ceaselessly. 

Matthew 21:22 says “if you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”                                                                                                

so, my shower prayers got more specific.  i started asking for timing.for words to flow from my mouth.for direction....and all by a certain date.

...and suddenly, lots changed!

as i read and learned and practiced faithfulness in prayer, i also asked nick to join me for a couples small group at church.

without question, he agreed! [hallelujah is right!]

the book we studied is called You and Me Forever: Marriage In Light of Eternity by well-known pastors and authors, Francis and Lisa Chan.

the first week discusses God’s design for marriage.

[this is not a book about HOW to be the best married couple or the five steps to a happy marriage. it is quite different, actually.] 

it challenges us to forget about marriage (as a couple) and focus on something better:

God. 

now that we’ve concluded the study, i want to reference back to the beginning of this post (and my last one) to dive deeper into the motivations that drove  brokenness in my heart and in our relationship. the need to do this stems from nick identifying areas of my personal and spiritual growth over the past 6 years, during our study.

the mistake:

during our study, nick drew my attention to the fact that i was once a big-time talker, making certain that everyone knew the GOOD things, but not necessarily the bad.

in my last post, you will notice that i blame displacement of my expectations for my mistakes. 

i put blame on the shift in expectations for the mistakes i’ve made. really, this was a backhanded way of pushing the blame onto nick, because he didn’t meet those expectations. i was passing my fault to him--- building myself up to look better than the whole truth.

the truth behind my mistakes is that i consciously made the wrong decisions. 

was i influenced by the enemy? absolutely.

was i wrong in so doing? 100%.

were there consequences? without a doubt.

am i saved from those consequences? BY GOD’S GRACE, yes.

we are human.

we are sinners. 

but this is no excuse.

because we were called to be courageous and to focus on something better: God. 

the change of focus--- priorities:

in my last post, i also reference the point in which i recognized that my focus had changed. that i’d started prioritizing various relationships to promote tiny career wins and mask the coldness that came with order.

after this study, it’s clearer than ever that God created us for a purpose!

the coldness that i attempted to mask was so evident for a reason.

i was living in sin and my heart knew it!

the world continued to tell me that if i did this, i’d get that, and if i got that, i’d be happy.

deep down, i knew it was wrong the entire time because my heart was cold!

truth is, even if that did make me happy, i can’t afford to waste our marriage by merely pursuing MY happiness.

it’s about much more than that.

the choice

God chose nicholas to enable me to be and accomplish more than i could’ve alone on earth.

He chose nicholas to teach me prioritization and how to focus on the REAL things that matter.

He chose nicholas to help me learn to love in light of the lens of forever. to be graceful + forgiving. to be patient + kind. to love sacrificially, without expectation (and really, without need for love in return, since i should be abundant with love from The Big Man!).

and thanks to the recent realization of this and a greater mission, He also chose nicholas to be my partner in something much bigger than ourselves.

the mission

during the study, we are reminded that sharing a common mission, beyond marriage, will help our marriage be more fruitful.

at one point in our relationship, when we lived in Raleigh, we spent an entire year training for the Raleigh 1/2 Ironman Race together. 

Proverbs 27:17 used to be a “thing” for us. we used to remind each other on long bike rides, “as iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

this would help us whip each other into shape enough to keep going.

since we moved back home to Wilmington, however, we’ve not shared a common mission beyond keeping our home clean and making sure our pups get fed.

nothing has truly challenged us together.

...and lack thereof.

identifying the fact that we didn’t have a shared focus was the first step.

we prayed (and i prayed out loud in the shower many times!).

we were presented with an opportunity to meet with the missions leadership at PC3.

there were so many possibilities.

too many.

and too many options make me freeze up, unable to decide. 

they all look good?!

imagine taking a timed, multiple choice test with choices A-Z and even a fill in the blank.

yes.

stressful.

because once you get past four, they all start looking right. right?!

“Lord, narrow it down for us. provide direction and clarity for us to share in a mission together...and can you do it soon, please?” I prayed.

...in the shower, 3 mornings in a row.

kidtricity (or centricity towards youngsters. yes. i made this word up)

last Friday my twin sister, best friend of 23 years and her 7-year-old son came over to do Christmas crafts & spend some down-time with one another. something we’ve not done in a LONG time.

as i sat with them, i found myself mesmerized by how smart this kiddo had become.

let me take a moment to tell you about mine and nick’s lack of kidtricity. 

neither of us have ever felt the “tug” to have kids, let alone spend quality time with them.

every time i’m around them (any age, really), i feel out of place and don’t know what to do with my hands.

yes- imagine it!

notice how i take a picture of him (shown below).

i didn’t know what to do, so i grabbed my camera and snapped it.

this time, what i saw in the picture was different, though.

i saw him, not as a kid that i have no way of relating with, but for the intelligent little 7-year-old that my best friend has raised.

and taught.

and loved.

...he knew how to spell my name. 

what?!

“Kristina with a K,” he said.

yes.

he got it right.

without asking.

he told me he remembered from when he was little.

?!

mind.

blown.

this started an entire conversation about snowflakes and dinosaurs and cotton balls.

...and i wasn’t awkwardly trying to place my hands anywhere.

my best friend and twin sister both looked at each other like i’d done something wrong.

...i immediately got self-conscious about my hands again.

they said that they’d discussed on the way, that my best friend had been in prayer when she got this lingering thought about nick and i becoming foster parents.

the calling, clarity, direction + kidtricity

welp!

Lord, if that (and all of the positive affirmation with my best friend’s 7-year-old son) is not clarity and direction, i don’t know what is!

so, while we are not diving into fostering (yet), one of the many options on the list has given us an opportunity to serve in a very similar way.

the circumstance + ask 

who of you are history buffs? 

i've never been one, but I know you’ve got to remember rumblings of the 1986 nuclear disaster in Chernobyl? (i’d remembered learning about it, but never knew the details)

thanks to Google and ABRO, we learned that Belarus, a small country just north of Ukraine, received over 70% of the radiation fallout from the Chernobyl incident and 90 x the radiation of the WWII nuclear bombing of Hiroshima. since the incident, there has been 200% increase in thyroid diseases and cancers as well as an increase in leukemia, birth defects, and vitamin deficiencies- children are particularly vulnerable.

research has shown that for every 6-weeks that a child can live in rest from radiation, their lives can be extended and we can lower their risk of cancers and health deficiencies.

given my public health background, i’d LOVE to go save the entire country from radiation.

but nick reminded me that at the heart of this matter, is a child’s life and well-being.

“baby-steps,” he said.

so with baby-steps in mind, 

we have made the commitment to host a 7-year-old boy from Belarus this summer.

to give him rest from radiation, clean (from radiation) food and clothing, an opportunity to get medical + dental check ups, and a home to live loved while he’s here.

our hearts have been changed so much that we want to open our home to love on a little boy who needs us.

...and we need your help!

the cost to get our 7-year-old his visa, flight and transportation is about $2,000.

if you have the ability (and heart) to donate (or Christmas gift substitute?!), you will enable us to host our little boy this summer... our hearts will be forever grateful.

all donations are tax deductible and we will be sending a receipt to you.       

you can donate online at belarus2018.portcitychurch.org/.                                                    select our names to “donate in honor of” in the dropdown.

if this isn’t something you can support us with, financially, it’s okay! 

pray though, please?

yes. sounds like play-doh! 

i’m tellin’ ya! the kidtricity is real!

this love is jumbo, y’all.

...and my heart is pouring with thanks.

thankful for you.

for being a part of the joy in this journey.

for sharing my thoughts + feelings.

for appreciating my mission vision + identifying your own.

[yes, that’s a challenge! what’s your mission vision?!]

for dreamingBIG.

...and LOVINGbigger.

always <3

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

it wasn’t the whole truth: skydiving into transparency

prior to my publishing (& creating) hiatus started, i posted about “my next flight: the whole truth and nothing but the truth.”

i made mention of being “stoked to fly because, for the first time in a while, i felt like i could do [it] without weight.”

while the flight itself was a metaphor for a career decision, the weight was the baggage that i carried from the mistakes i made. mistakes that were all very selfish decisions when looked at through the lens of forever.

i made the choice to change companies, in part because of good opportunity, but that’s not the whole story. it wasn’t actually “the whole truth and nothing but the truth.” really, i was running away from the very things that held me back from moving forward...

the priority mistakes.

the relationships (one, in particular). 

i needed to start fresh if i wanted to move past it.

this seemed like the best way.

so i boarded the flight.

                                                  SKYDIVING

28 years ago, i was born to a mother & father who loved me unconditionally and taught me how to do the same [hallelujah!]

17 years ago i gave my heart to a Man that made me new...

...but i wasn't aware that the “newness” wasn’t a one time deal. 

come to find out, it’s and everyday deal.

continuous sanctification is what the church is calling it (i know; glorified, big Bible word.)

remember this. it's important in the post that will follow this one.

5 1/2 years ago, i met the man that would change my heart. who loves me with everything he has on this earth. who supports me in every decision, forgives quickly and walks gracefully.

2 years ago (October 10, 2015), i made a vow to choose him every day for the rest of our lives & thankfully, he made the same vow.

1 year ago, i made a big ole mistake...in part, because i put the expectations i had for The Man that made me new onto the man who loved me with everything he had; who also failed to meet those expectations.

...and also because i forgot that my entire life was devoted to The Man that made me new. I had been so consumed in love with the man who loved me with everything he had, I mixed my priorities up...wisdom was inevitably minimized in the process.

remember this, too. we will come back to it later.

6 months ago, the hurt and the lies surfaced.

i was cornered in a love affair with the world and its expectations; aiming to please & prioritizing my efforts to gain acceptance and praise...

for the wrong reasons.

for the wrong people.

i was once fearless + faithful. 

blameless + holy.

there was “no shame in my game.”

...

suddenly, i feared everything.

inadequacy.

judgement.

not being wanted.

not being needed.

not being accepted.

not being enough. 

guilty + broken.

SHAMEFUL.

you may have seen posts from the most recent #metoo campaign? while the impetus for #metoo could’ve well been from the Harvey Weinstein sexual harassment scandals, the underlying message is transparency as it relates to shame. 

fellow blogger + wedding lace supernova + rockstar woman of grace, Liz Cox, does a phenomenal job discussing this in her most recent post, Dear Beloved, Me Too. 

                                                   SHAMEFUL.

as i laid there weeping on the brand new hardwoods of my parent’s newly renovated (60 year old) ranch home, my husband, mother and father stared down at me, all equally broken. i suddenly realized how much i’d lost.

everything.

not only did i lose the trust of the man that loved me with everything he had, but i’d lost my own feelings. my own internal compass.

i was numb.

...because of the guilt. the shame. the judgement. 

i laid there, looking up at the eyes of my husband, who now defined me as unworthy.

...and while i felt defined by the guilt and shame that drowned my heart, the reality is that i was being defined, not by that circumstance, but instead for the decisions that got me there...

...or so I thought.

when did i forget to focus on the only thing i could trust? 

not mom or dad, and not even the man that loves me with everything on this earth. 

Jesus. my almighty, gracious savior. the Man that has never lied and has only ever provided the grace i needed when i made mistakes. 

i took my eyes off of Him at some point PRIOR to our wedding on the water. you'd have never known it if you were there.

October 10, 2015 overflowed with joy; so much that our jaws hurt from smiling and that our voices grew raspy from singing.

funny how we lose sight of the most important things in life and don’t even realize it.

we stop practicing.

discipline is lost once we reach a goal (or a wedding day, or when we get the job, or close on a new home)

i reflect and recognize that my focus changed. i stopped practicing the same disciplines i once had, because i reached those goals already.

now. onto the next.

i prioritized relationships with others to disguise the brokenness of chasing success. i didn't know the TRUTH because i was living in a sea of lies. i wasn't who i said i was, or even who i was trying to be. 

...until God (and that grace of His) picked me back up as i fell to my knees on my parent’s newly renovated hardwoods.

i was confused.

weak.

convicted (yes, i know. another intimidating Bible word I’ve learned the true meaning of).

it was here that God showed me more grace than i'm worthy of.

that unconditional love---it's real. 

that He really can move (proverbial) mountains if we trust Him to do it.

that decisions do create circumstances, but if we know His TRUTH, and err on the side of action; if we discipline ourselves to GO BOLDLY and produce things in coordination with His mission, miracles really do happen.

and that we have never and will never be defined by circumstance or decisions.

only by His LOVE.

over the past 6 months, my heart has been transformed by this grace. 

grace gave me life.

mercy gave me love.

wisdom [now] gives me direction.

 ...to build our LOVEhouse back up.                                                                             

“By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.” -Proverbs 24:3-4

i've learned that wisdom is built on discipline.

...the discipline of

reading TRUTH.

trusting it.

knowing it...

...to enable me to abide by it.

to actively live it.

and to LOVEbigger than any lie that the world tells.

in the process of learning to LOVEbigger, I've practiced the discipline of active prayer, reading & yes, writing.

CREATE, He told me at the beginning of the year.

...and so I am.

A BOOK!

[LOVEbigger] is developing into a catalogue of JOY produced from the wellspring of faith in God’s promises amidst loss, fear, anxiety & doubt. just when I thought I lost it all (because of my bad decisions) God met me at a place much more solemn than the place i left Him.

He met me there.

the perfect for the imperfect.

the constant for the fleeting.

the whole for the partial.

the loving for the beloved.

He sat with me.

He held me.

He LOVED me bigger than anything.

What if we could LOVE each other that way? 

to not ever feel unworthy, or to fear inadequacy or unacceptance or shame.

#metoo wouldn’t have to be a slogan.

to have an overwhelming LOVE would allow imperfect to seem impossible.

do you know a LOVE like that? LOVEbig enough to make the impossible inevitable?

join me in this joyfuljourney, as [LOVEbigger] continues to develop...

know that YOU are BEAUTIFUL & worthy of big things.

YOU (yes you!) were created for a purpose + it is BIG.

...so.

i challenge you to LOVEbigger than any negativity you face today. perhaps this is the moment you were created for <3

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

the next flight : the whole truth and nothing but the truth

i packed up my raisins, put them in my pocket and i boarded my next flight. i was stoked to fly because, for the first time in a while, i felt like i could do this without weight.

along with this excitement, however, came the overwhelming worry of leaving something good behind. you know the feeling you had when you chose to break up with your high school significant other? the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” situation? and the questions you had about the “what ifs” and the “could’ve beens”? the freedom you anticipated following the breakup, and the fear you had on missing out once it’s gone? that’s the worry i had about making the decision to board this particular flight.

FOMO is what we’re calling it these days, apparently.

however, this flight was unlike any other flight, you see. it was a flight with a business class ticket, while i’d only ever flown coach. it was headed to a place i’d never heard about, but where only the luckiest get to go. it was like an island with no cars– you had to walk to get around, and all the people knew you. in the eyes of the natives, just being there improved their lives and made a lasting impact. It was on the other side of the world; and while it seemed risky to travel there, once I chose to go, all sorts of doors for my personal and professional life would be opened quickly. furthermore, it had all of the luxuries of first class without the price tag…or did it?

would taking this flight cost me an arm and a leg, and everything i’d worked so hard to build? was the grass really greener, or would i fall through it and into quicksand? this island- was it really as blissful as it seemed, or was it plagued with famine and misfortune?

the fear continued to add up, scaring me back into the comfort of what is and was and had been.

until i prayed…and just as He’d told me to STOP only 1 month prior, He now told me to FLY.

…and so i did, raisins and all.

this theatrical and metaphorical decision to take a flight somewhere represents a very big decision i was faced with in January. you see, after i’d “found” my raisins, shared them with you, along with the perfection perception and the reality of what that hides; after i made the proclamation to make 2017 a year of creation, i was presented with a new opportunity to veer off course and blaze a new trail—just as He had envisioned for me back when He told me to STOP.

i’d found peace in my job and in my career path, even after the decision several years ago to forego medical training… i found a way to contribute to research and make an impact without a medical degree by connecting with people and science, and connecting people to science.  by helping people find answers. all of this seemed like divine design, until the fast paced demand, and the corporate rat race drove me back into His arms… where this new opportunity presented itself to change companies.

i questioned it a thousand times over. i called myself crazy for even considering leaving the amazing company that i was so fortunate to have launched my career with. why, you ask?

the benefits. ooohhhhh the benefits! Mama said I wouldn’t find benefits like that anywhere else. i trusted her judgement— how on earth could i willingly walk away from such a gift?

the opportunity. the company was growing and the chance for my professional development was endless. how could i leave that behind?

the people. at the end of the day, the benefits and the opportunity were good, but it was nothing compared to the people, which made that place sparkle (if you know me, you know i like bright, shiny objects!). these people, yes, many of you, made the beginnings of my career something remarkable and rare. you trusted me. you gave me opportunities to learn, grow and develop, many a time at your own, personal expense (not the company’s). you counted on me, and i counted on you. you saw potential in me and allowed me to realize that potential. you’ve continued to be my cheerleader, supporting my decision to faithfully step away and to continue my journey. even when i left, you stayed. you stayed next to me to support my leap, though i felt certain i would lose you.

it’s funny how God situates us to make tough decisions. the ones where He pulls at our heart strings to be an outlaw, break the rules and sacrifice everything that would allow us comfort. when He forces us to step outside of our cozy-zone to show you that, in so doing, the beauty of faithfulness and trust far outweighs the attractiveness of comfort.

back to the decision to leave and why it was so difficult. the benefits, opportunity and people gave me comfort. they gave me peace. they gave me certainty. the risk was low and the reward was high. how could i give this up?

i had to.

though talks with others only scared me back into the cozy-zone, something made me know i had to take the leap. i asked myself “if i stayed comfy, gave up the chance to leap and looked back in 5 years, would i regret the decision not to go?” 

the answer was yes.

i was being pulled out of comfort, into the unknown… through diligent prayer, i realized that i was put on this earth to make an impact. the impact, though i’m not certain what it looks like yet, is not going to happen when I’m snuggled up, nice and cozy like I was in my previous role.

i realized that this was where contentment happened, in general, but more importantly, for me. This was where joy was stagnant and un-dynamic. This was when smiles were just smiles, anything but inspired.

i was not created for contentment or for comfort (though i do love my acitivewear!)…this has been evident from day one. 

so why was i so discouraged by this opportunity to chase risk and step out of my comfort zone?

after asking myself this, all hesitation disappeared. 

right then. 

in the moment. 

gone.

i happened to have been on the phone with my manager (great dude!) at this exact moment. the entire time we had been talking, i was asking myself why i was scared to say anything…until i finally did.

i told him.

there. it was out in the open. 

there’s no going back now!

the world knows it. or at-least this is how i felt.

I quit?!

no. i didn’t quit. but I did have to scramble to figure my life out. those two weeks flew by faster than the month before bikini season.

i had to ensure I left everything better than it was when i got it; this was easy.

…but that whole talk about benefits. this was a mess... i had no clue where to start.

                                   What is all this about COBRA?!

all i knew about COBRA was what i could remember from when my mother was laid off after 26 years of loyalty to her first (and only) corporate company. i remember her losing a ton of weight from stress and talking about how expensive this healthcare coverage was. i remember, very distinctly, that we had an overwhelming amount of T1D (Type I Diabetes—i’ve had it since I was 6 years old) testing and pump supplies sent to the house, as though we were prepping for doomsday. 

and i remember an endocrinologist visit that was prefaced by her arguing (and crying) with the payment counter folks because she knew her baby (me) had to be seen today. at that moment, i knew she didn’t want me to see her like this because she tried to ensure i was pre-occupied with my homework assignment. i remember knowing, however, that i was the reason she had to pay for a snake to cover my doctor’s visits.

looks like the snake has been summoned again. i was in for more than i’d anticipated. i didn’t think about the whole “pre-existing condition” thing beforehand, because I’m healthy and always have been………………............

while I’d like to indulge you in a life lesson on procuring your own healthcare coverage, especially for someone with a pre-existing condition, i’ll save this for the NEXT POST. 

In the meantime, back to leaving.

on my last day, the warmth from many of you flooded my inbox. this was, perhaps, one of the most uplifting feelings i had during this transitional season of life.

And then, I was done.

the following day, i started my new role. 

that’s right, i jumped ship to land on another one going full-steam ahead. 

this time, i have my raisins, though!

i want to tell you ALL about the company, the culture (down unda!), the job and how much I’ve grown over the past 6 weeks, but again, I’ll save that for another time.

For now, i’m moved to ask you some things that I asked myself in the decision-making process, so you have them on deck when the time comes, should you need them:

1)      what are your goals (career, health, family, life, finances)? List timelines and milestones, likelihood of success and be specific about what could help you be more successful. WHY are these your goals and which one is the highest priority?

2)      are you comfortable and content? why or why not?

3)      are you motivated and inspired? why or why not? 

4)      but if not, what is the missing piece? why is it missing?

5)      what keeps you awake at night or wakes you up in the morning? why?

6)      do you get STOKED to have this energy? why?

7)      what time of day is most encouraging for you?  why?

8)      what functions of your role do you absolutely LOVE? why?

9)      is there a way you can navigate your current situation to expose you to MORE of the good energy and less of the bad? why?

10)   is there more potential to find that happiness elsewhere? why?

so you have transparency into my decision, i want to provide my own personal example for question #1 above:

Career/Family/Life/Finance Goals

a)       in the next year, i want to be promoted to keep growth trajectory up, i’d like greater access/visibility to leadership, and i want to make 20% more $ to pay off debt and live more freely.

b)      i want to serve in 3 distinct board of director roles and 1 advisor role to polish presentation, negotiation, ownership and leadership skills, start educating myself on the art of investing and finance, become an influencer to these sub-populations, and grow my network and credibility.

                                                         WHY?

i will lead an organization one day to achieve financial growth and success by filling a need for others, but by way of empowering leaders and giving effort equity to diverse groups of people. the way i’ve read to achieve this goal is to manage my own successes, manage up, manage down, and manage across; to get exposure to various functions, including finance and investment so i have a greater grasp on these as i continue down the leadership track.

^^^^^^^^^^^i wrote this down at the end of the year, almost in parallel to me becoming more self-aware. it made the decision to shift much easier because the new role is aligned with these expectations and goals. furthermore, the new role offers a much faster route to increased responsibility in the future, meaning i had to take it... i also worked to fill in the gaps for BOD roles and am currently serving as the Director at Large (HBA), VP of Nominating (JDRF), Board Member and investor to DreamSparkr and Chapter Advisor of Alpha Xi Delta at UNCW.

i’ve told you, there was a lot of uncertainty with this decision. ultimately, i had to have faith in my God and in His plans for me. the past 6 weeks have been full of ups and downs, but all in a shift of hope.

as i start to wrap up my message, I am reminded, again, of His sweet promise. “For I know the plans I have for you,“ declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

there is evidence already. at my new company, the culture is different. it is scientifically motivated and genuinely engaged (from a business and monetary perspective) with global health strategies. i never saw this level of interest, motivation and detail at my last company... the collaboration here is insane! furthermore, our Executive Director/CEO partnered with me (yes, little old me!) to produce some materials to support #IWD2017. she is a female leader and is, along with our other Executive females, bright, charming and charismatic about our industry and her people. this is one of the many reasons i’m confident in the decision for change.  

in His promise, my future is bright and so is yours.

[picture above is of a card i received in the mail from the best manager/mentor i’ve ever had :)]

i’m diving in to continue my #JoyfulJourney and hope you’ll join me with raisins in your pocket and a smile on your face. be passionate about what you do. and if you’re not, be bold and make a change! live to love and love to live...everything else will fall into place once you take the first step.

until next time, #dreamBIG , #LOVEbigger ,

Kristina

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

making diamonds out of us :: an open letter to my family, friends and the world about the perfection perception and the reality of what it hides

dear family, friends and those of you i care deeply about,

last year began with eyes wide open and the proclamation that 2016 would be the BEST year yet. part of the way through the year, however, i realized i was actually living with eyes wide shut. i was filtered from reality. thus, everything i created was allowing everyone i met and interacted with (yes, even family) to have a false perception of what my truth was. 

2016 started with a big fat bang. the good kind of bang! i was still bouncing around on the honeymoon cloud, floated by a hot air balloon with all the fire in the world to keep it high in the sky.  

i had a great job that i absolutely loved, likely due to the remarkable manager who has since grown into someone i respect, admire, and consider a dear friend. i was headed into a year that would involve a work trip to San Diego, in anticipation of moving there; another one to Portugal during the week of mine and my twin sister’s 27th birthday. shortly thereafter, we would take a quick trip to St. Augustine to celebrate a good friend's nuptials; and the following week, another trip to Tallahassee with mom, to see lifetime friends for the youngest's wedding…and finally (or so i thought coming in), an adventurous anniversary trip to Oktoberfest in Munich, which included various other small trips around the EU, all in effort to continue celebrating a JOYFUL JOURNEY.

you heard the word TRIP mentioned quite a few times in my recollection of what I saw coming into 2016.  i also stated that i was on a cloud, which means i was naive (or intentionally filtered) to the negativity of the world. i stayed on this cloud all the way through august and actually well into september. 

i'd accepted a new role, with a new manager, and all sorts of new responsibilities in july. this opportunity lit an even larger fire under my cloud floated by a hot air balloon...i continued to fly higher. 

i flew. i dreamed. i chased the dreams. i caught some dreams. but what i know now is that this was all perception...this kind of perception:

being awake, at that point, meant thinking, running, doing and going 150mph (or 241.4 km/h for those in the EU) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. something i was used to doing...or so i thought.

did i mention that this opened up the chance to move back home to the beach?! yes. it did. and yes, i took it. 

i packed up this newly established little life that had grown together in our first home and took a FINAL TRIP back to the beach. how? you ask?

                                   “I have plans for you,” He told me.

shift back into this work mindset. i had to be a sponge to absorb all that i was learning about selling a home, buying a new home (newly built, mind you), and oh! that fancy new job of mine. the flying continued, eyes wide open (or so i thought).

back to the beach we go. i dive into the abyss that is my new role, trying to identify the biggest opportunity for business growth as quickly as possible, while also trying to dig my toes into the sand. the TRIPS to meet with new friends and potential new clients, all a part of it…and all unanticipated coming into this year.

with the craziness that my life had become so quickly, the new house was my getaway. it has become my incubator for peace. moved in 4 short weeks after starting my new gig which means it saw the depths of my heart far before i did. it is beautiful. a quarter mile from the ICW and it's the perfect place to leave from for an early morning surf sesh or run and de-stress at sunset.

i met new people on my trips back and forth. many have become close friends, making it easier, now, to travel. i came, i went, i came back and rested, only to leave again. life was cyclical, but the comfort of that cycle also began to beg my attention more than the familiarity of connecting with myself...and with you.

i very quickly dove into the cycle, accepting it as a challenge. 

                                             ...with eyes wide shut...

then we went on our EUROTRIP.

i got back and shuffled more work trips, learning and growing. and diabetes. and nutrition. and dosing.

...and another trip.

and back home to the beach, where i find peace for a mere 8 hours.

...and a trip back to the airport. off to work i went, whistling the entire way, wearing the biggest smile and creating my own outward perception that life was perfect... many of you may have also seen it this way.

truth is. it wasn’t. 

if you’ve ever done the Gallup Strengths Finder by Tom Rath, you know your strengths (and i know some of your strengths too!). my top strength is “WOO,” otherwise known as winning others over. i found myself investing this strength into “wooing” everyone BUT the ones who have wooed me. minute by minute, i invested time into things, people and opportunities that weren’t building me up, but stringing me along or even worse, tearing me down... still, with eyes wide shut.

then…

                                                           “STOP!”

…He said. pops had a TIA earlier that week, and another one to follow. only the first of a string of events that built up to break me down.

i was finally on my way back home, in the airport, running through security to get onto the first flight that hadn't gotten cancelled or delayed since i started this gig. i was power-walking through the airport to find my terminal, listening to Him say “just breathe.” literally. this song was playing on Pandora (yes, i still listen to Pandora). i had been singing the song in my head but i wasn’t listening to the words in my heart.

…until now. i heard it. i stopped. i cried. in the middle of the airport with people looking at me like they feel bad. i was lost and broken and needed someone to talk to. i’d forgotten how to pray because it had been so long. sissy knows because i called her, instead.

He knew when He gave me this new role, and this new home and this new dynamic, that i would need Him. and that i would need her. He gave me that opportunity to connect with my sister. to talk to her, to listen, and to cry with her. this beautiful person that i have always been so connected to…was so connected to. she and i had drifted apart. her heart was no longer in sync with mine due to our time apart, among other differences. 

in this moment though, He knew that she would know exactly what to say. that we would laugh and cry. He knew that for the first time since we were young (and i had low blood sugar), i needed to need her; and that she needed me to need her, too.

thanks to this, the weight had been lifted. i felt like she knew me. she knew the struggles and the heartache. it felt good to connect those dots for myself and with her, at least for a short period of time.

since that day of realization, the pressure continued to build, along with lots of expectations to meet (and exceed)…and still, lots to be done to prepare for Christmas.

i TRIPPED. again.

i fell.

i got back into a rhythm that was tied to the world, self-absorbed and life deprived. chain after chain, my neck continued to collect...i was painfully unaware of how the cycle started to affect my health and my ability to be me.

 again, my mask showed perfection, but behind the mask there was no longer any air in my hot-air balloon. no floating. no bouncing…and the smiles were painted on.

i was failing to connect. with my heart, my body, and with anyone else, including you. 

as a type I diabetic patient, nutrition, dosing and adjusting is extremely important. i was ignoring my workout and nutrition because there was a need “to get ahead” on work. the work that will always be there. i was sacrificing my well-being, my love and my life…and for what?! for a business that has helped me learn and grow, but that will also certainly continue to grow itself, without me.

i realized it.

step 1. then, one day during meetings, as the feeling of anxiety continued to build, i broke out for a run. in the middle of the day; in the middle of meetings! it was liberating! i was breaking the rules but it felt so good.

then I heard this:

“If you’ve been walking the same old road for miles and miles If you’ve been hearing the same old voice tell the same old lies If you’re trying to feel the same old holes inside There’s a better life If you’ve got pain He’s a pain taker If you feel lost He’s a way maker If you need freedom or saving He’s a prison-shaking Savior If you’ve got chains He’s a chain breaker.”

...and He is. step 1 was realizing it…and step-by-step, one by one, He started picking up the chain links (and continues to do so). the mask, i saw it. i pulled it off of my face.

now i sit here writing. reflecting. connecting with my heart and my mind and my body. 

another song plays:

“You're shattered Like you've never been before The life you knew In a thousand pieces on the floor And words fall short in times like these When this world drives you to your knees You think you're never gonna get back To the you that used to be…”

i laugh! tears starting to fall down my face as i listen and write and reflect. “you’re right! i don’t know if i can get back to the ‘me’ i used to be?!”

                                     …the song continues to play...

He says, “i heard that! watch me prove you wrong, my love.”

“Tell your heart to beat again Close your eyes and breathe it in Let the shadows fall away Step into the light of grace Yesterday's a closing door You don't live there anymore Say goodbye to where you've been And tell your heart to beat again.”

i stop writing. i get up and just start dancing. my “moves,” like leaps of joy.

“…Beginning Just let that word wash over you It's alright now Love's healing hands have pulled you through So get back up, take step one Leave the darkness, feel the sun 'Cause your story's far from over And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again.”

this is comical! remember that “step 1” i just told you about? i took it and He knows it! He sees me boarding this flight to take another trip, but He is with me this time helping me LIVE + LOVE with eyes wide open.

it’s time to blaze a new trail.

as I write this to you and begin to conclude, He continues to play in my heart.

                                          “listen,” He says:

“But it’s here in the ashes

I’m finding treasure

I’m making diamonds out of dust

I am refining my timing

….but I’m making diamonds out of us”

ashes. the perfection perception has fooled you and me both. i am a pile of ashes, guys. no mask, no coat. no cover. broken, burnt and worthless. 

...to most.

but in the ashes, God sees diamonds in me. and because of this, i have hope.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: 

the life lesson i’ve learned is that exciting times often lead to elevated energy and heightened ability to act and react with eyes wide open. but as the pressures, commitments and responsibilities continue to pile on, so does the cover. 

...leading to a life of eyes wide shut and the perfection perception.

the cover grows because i’m unable to connect fully to Him, myself and you! 

for the trip of life, my JOYFUL JOURNEY, and of all of my trips around the world and down the road, i’ve learned to [try really hard to] SLOW DOWN. to breath. to connect. to see Him move in each experience. and to smile. :)

i’ve also learned that it is perfectly okay to sprint! He will catch me before i hit the wall… or, even better, He’ll let me hit the wall, then pick me up. then we will laugh because i’ll realize it was all in His plan… to turn my dust into diamonds.

to the beautiful person reading this,

you are another diamond and you are someone i have strong regard for. i’ve taken advantage of that this year. i’m sorry if i’ve ever seemed distant, disengaged or disconnected to you. please know that it has never been my intent, but rather, my distraction. the distraction of a buzzing life will always be insurmountable to the love and camaraderie that i share with you. for this, i’m thankful. i will forever be in awe of the joy that you bring to my life and forever grateful for the little moments that contribute to that joy. 

we have raisins (sayings from being a granddaughter, daughter, sister, niece, and cousin) that say, “i’ll love you forever, regardless of your distraction.” 

so, in summary--- i’m putting my raisins in my pocket as i pack for my next trip. i’m living with my eyes wide open and praying that my distraction will only ever be the sweet reminder of having rest in Him and with you...and in knowing when too much is too much. 

<3

[lovethejoyfuljourney]

He said “CREATE.”

...so here i am. i am writing because it has always allowed me to connect. with people. places. experiences. 

creativity comes to and from all of us in different forms. writing will be mine [for now] in 2017. it started when i wrote what i wish i could call an open letter to those i love, though it was quite private.

until now. 

until the ones i love told me that i should write. that my message inspires. 

and then i saw this.

perhaps one of my gifts is writing? or perhaps it is connecting by means of writing? either way, i’d like to use this platform as a means to explore my purpose...and give it away.

...so stay tuned for my next post, where i’ll share my open letter to close family and friends. 

it is a letter that is intimate and vulnerably REAL. in it, i share the struggle behind what may appear to be my “perfect” life. i expose the reality of what is versus the perception.

i invite you to join me, new friend. connect with me. learn with me and grow with me in this JOYFUL JOURNEY we call life.