lovesickmochi

[lovesickmochi]

Memory

re: Dear You. I logged into this account for the first time in a long time. I deleted the app on my phone, and completely logged out of it on my computer.

I know he posts on here every now and then, and for a while, I couldn't help but not look at anything he wrote about us. In hopes that it would help me move on after everything that had happened.

I read the letter he wrote to me.

It took me a while to process it, and also find the words to make an attempt at responding to him in the most mature way possible.

So, here it is.

A couple hours ago, I found out about a Bruno Major concert that's happening in a week at the Warfield in San Francisco. Listening to some of his albums, I remembered a cover a former friend of mine wrote here on Tumblr. He changed up the lyrics of Nothing - Bruno Major into something relating to how our friendship was at the time.

I was reading the cover a couple minutes ago, and it brought me back to who I used to be, who he used to be to me.

He said I used to be his sun and moon. He said I was the gold in between the seams of his life. He said I saved his life. The person he could go to for anything and everything. We were inseparable.

But... Why aren't I that person anymore?

There was a situation that occurred over a year ago, now. I'll take the blame for the most part, I know now that I was the problem in that whole thing. It's my fault that it became so much of a big deal. It's my fault that our friendship had to end.

I know better than to cover up my side of the story with lies, just to point out who the bad guy is. So in this, to you and her, I'm sorry.

I feel like a coward for not messaging this directly, but I hope this finds you in good health. I hope this message can come through as a truce, maybe as a notice that I'm ready to talk and try things again. That is, only if you want to reignite what was lost, or start over with a blank page. I have a pen to give to you, we can start writing a new story together. If not, that is okay. I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to do. It's your path, your decision.

Every now and then, my Snapchat memories show me videos of us. Of our friendship, of our adventures. I would look at them and say to myself, "When is the next time we can have an adventure like this again?" But then I remember, it's not that simple anymore. I will admit that I haven't matured as much as you expected me to. There are some things in my life that I still have to fix, or make a move on, but I promise I'm getting better.

I've been in a relationship with someone for almost half a year now. And in all honesty, you're still one of the main people I want to introduce him to. Not for any judgement, but to express how much you both mean to me to a point where I can comfortably introduce you to each other.

I've also been on the look out for jobs. There's a restaurant that's hiring waitresses and hostesses for $24 an hour, so I might apply to that. In the meantime, after I get my first paycheck, I'm going to start working on my GED. I have to pay for four classes that I can easily do online, which isn't that bad really, it's like taking a unit test.

After receiving my GED, I'm going to pursue massage therapy. It's something I've been looking into for the past year or so, and I want to see where the studies can take me in the future.

Things have been pretty great, really. I'm starting to get a move on in my life, but I wanted to take a moment and think about you.

I miss you. I miss all of the talks we would have so late in the night, and all of the laughter and the crying, everything. If there's any way I can make it up to you, or make the chances of getting to know you again more likely, I'm ready for it. There's still so much love in my heart for you, and I'm willing to give things a second chance if you are too.

I love you. I hope you haven't forgotten that.

<3

Shelby

[lovesickmochi]

so like,

i love the fact that my best friend and i are each other’s side chicks when it comes to us liking someone or dating someone. we flirt, we’re hella touchy with each other, i was her first girl kiss, yada yada.

my best friend is in a relationship where she hasn’t been replied to or talked to for like a day or so, and she’s been pissed off and annoyed with the fact that he isn’t talking to her.

and get this.

i know the guy.

ive known this kid since elementary/middle school and i know he’s not the kind of guy you’d want to date until he’s actually matured.

my best friend’s type is… unusual. i honestly have no idea what the fuck she’s thinking when it comes to dating, but i gotta support her and be there for her, bc you know, she’s my sister. i have to take care of her.

ive been there for most of her breakups and ngl they weren’t pretty. mostly the guys were assholes and it’s funny when they blame it all on her.

lol. it’s their loss really.

but anyways, i care for this bitch a lot. like i would kill and die for her. she’s everything to me.

i recently had a sleepover with ateh and kuya this past weekend and we watched the new cruella de vil movie, got drunk, and talked shit.

i wanted to invite the guy i like, ‘j’. j and i have known each other since elementary and we had a small thing in middle school, but it didn’t count bc it’s middle school. we got to know each other all over again after i left my ex in september 2020. we agreed to wait for each other, since he wants to wait till during or after college. but then again.. he said ‘i love you’ to me and called me his girlfriend to his friends in march. just a couple days before my birthday.

i asked kuya about what he thought about me inviting j. he said “don’t tell him that he could come, but say that you’re inviting him”.

j said maybe at first. then he said, “i think i’m good”.

. . .

really?

two adults who are of age were gonna be chaperoning us the whole night. no parents. and it was a very rare night where i was allowed to sleepover. and he said “i think i’m good”.

so i invited my best friend instead.

we drank, we sang to bad bitch songs, i got drunk as fuck and yelled at her for getting into a relationship when we were supposed to have a bad bitch summer, i got titty pillow privileges, i stayed up all night just to make sure this bitch slept enough for when she had to go to work.

i relearned how to longboard, thanks to my bunso for letting me borrow his longboard, got to ride around a park (kinda) with ateh and kuya in hayward, got kbbq, and watched raya and the last dragon.

honestly, i couldn’t have asked for a better weekend. im glad that j said no lmao. i wouldn’t have gotten to hangout with my favorite people in the world, relearn something i always wanted to do, and just, be free.

-

future shelby, know this.

choose your 4lifers over a dumb bitch boy that doesn’t know what he wants. be a bad bitch, own that shit, and spend time doing things that you’ve always wanted to do.

also kuya cut my hair :3

hot girl/bad bitch summer, here we come.

~

mochinyx_

(ps. there’s no point in this post tbh. shit post?)

[lovesickmochi]

a casual sunday morning

currently vibing to my “late night shenanigans” playlist at 7:38am with ateh and kuya.

they stayed the night and we got drunk/buzzed.

we had an emotional encouragement talk with my other siblings, and they had to deal with our drunk asses.

ateh and kuya are going back in time to when their relationship was rough on the edges with a hint of love still hanging for dear life.

typing this out bc i can, and the fact that my siblings don’t want to leave as much and i don’t want them to leave, is everything.

if they didn’t get to know me, and didn’t accept me as their little sister, i don’t think i would have the support system or love that i would need to keep going.

so yeah. i’m glad they’re still here.

they’re scrolling on tumblr in their archives n shit so they’re gonna see this right after i post it lmao.

hi ateh and kuya :3

-

mochinyx_

[lovesickmochi]

updates and descriptions.

hey. it’s been a while since i posted on here.

there’s been a shit ton of changes in my life and i wouldn’t have it in any other way. people have come and go, but there’s so so many people that stayed. i didn’t ask them to stay, they stayed on their own. 

as much as i would love to tell them, “don’t leave my life. you’re too important for me to lose”, i feel like they already know that through my actions and my kindness towards them. 

first off, there’s my brother. he’s 27, and we’re at least a decade apart in age. but mentally and emotionally, we’re the same person. the first time he and i met, he was still a teenager and i was a baby. since then, we rarely interacted but i already knew, somehow, that he was going to be my favorite kuya. 2018, when my dad passed away, he stepped into my life as the guy that i could depend on and look up to. i’m actually an only child, so i didn’t know what it was like to have a sibling. since he stepped into my life, even when he moved to la and back here in sj, we’ve been inseparable. 

every day we interact, through instagram dms, discord dms... and we hangout almost every weekend now. even through quarantine, we’ve been hanging out. i know what you’re thinking. what’s a 17 year old hanging out with a guy who’s almost 30? well, let me answer that. he saved my life. he kept me from ending my life due to depression over the trauma that i suffered when my dad passed away. apparently, i saved his life too.. he went through a rough breakup and he was falling apart. his siblings did their best, but i truly felt that i, a teenager, should step in and be the little sister that he never had. i introduced him to my group of friends, who i now call my siblings too, well. except for the guy im kinda dating, but that doesnt matter in this paragraph.

 i wanted him to experience the last few parts of my childhood before i become an adult, since he, unfortunately, had to miss out on most of it. my friends and i love him very much and the fact that he’s now so comfortable with them, means everything to me. i love him with every part of me, and i’m thankful for everything he’s done for me. from getting me food, to giving me his old pc, to letting me spend time with him on the weekends, to letting me bother him so i could rant, to spilling all the tea with him, all that jazz. 

kuya, if you see this, i love you. 

second, there’s my older sister. 

she’s a couple of months older than kuya. it was her birthday recently and she and kuya spent the night here at my place. instead of sleeping, kuya and i were laughing at the most random shit, and ended up getting mcd’s and starbucks at 6am. meanwhile, ateh was knocked the fuck out on the living room couch. i helped take care of her with the best of my abilities and im glad that i was able to keep her happy and safe. 

she and i share a huge love for disney and it’s a huge goal for us to be able to go to disneyland together. she has this laugh that is so contagious, you wouldnt be able to stop laughing around her. like how some of my friends describe me, she’s literally a ball of sunshine. she’s the dorkiest person i know, and i can obv relate to her in so many ways. although there’s not a lot of things i know about her, i can proudly say that she’s my favorite ateh. i want to get to know her more, and i always want to hangout with her when she’s available.

ateh, if you see this, i love you.

third, there’s my other two older sisters. 

even though we’re a year and a couple days apart in age, i love them with everything. there’s the bird lady and the cat lady. 

the bird lady is older than the two of us, and she’s, different. she’s the kind of person who’s closed off to so many other people and she doesnt get the chance to experience many things that most people my age. most of the time, she’s reading or gaming or drawing, and i find it interesting that she can keep herself entertained most of the time. she’s so different from everyone else, yet she let me into her life and allowed me to be there for her. she’s strong. she’s beautiful and she doesnt know it yet. i want to be there for her when she becomes the person she wants to be.

she and i met in my freshman year in choir. she was already in concert choir two, and both choirs merged together for a concert song. when i first saw her, i may or may have not had a small crush on her. she doesnt believe me when i say that, but oh well. we ended up officially meeting in my sophomore year when i join her in concert choir two. i learned about her boundaries and i got to know her more when we were placed in the altos section together. the day when i started to really become friends with her, was when i joined a discord server with a bunch of other people that i was friends with in april 2020. it’s been over a year of me being in that server, and after so many obstacles, i get to call her my sister as well. 

in that same server, i got to meet the cat lady. she’s the witch in our friend group and she is so fucking hyper. in a good way. when i first interacted with her, i was like, “damn shes loud. i like her”. i got to know her, i became friends with her, and now i can call her my sister as well. we never met in person up until halloween 2020. apparently she met the bird lady way before i joined the server. since we met in person, i also got to know her mom. she’s strict, but she’s a very sweet person as well. 

the cat lady is a person who would do anything and everything for her friends and family no matter what gets in her way to stop her. there are many many times where i want to say that i proud of her for everything that she’s done already. but i feel that she already knows that. i know she knows that i love her. she’s someone that i want to protect, to guide her through the hard shit, to be there for when she falls apart. 

to my sisters, if you see this, i love you.

and then there’s my little brother, my bunso.

he’s something else. he’s weirdly one of the best people that’s stepped into my life and somewhat changed me for the better. he and i go to the same school, and i’ve seen him in marching band. but get this, we never met until we interacted in the discord server. we’ve seen each other but we just never met. since i met him, i got to meet him in person halloween 2020, along with the cat lady. there’s honestly not a lot that i can say about him, since i still have yet to get to know him more, but what i can say is that i’m glad that i can call him my brother. he, along with everyone else i mentioned in this post, is someone i want to always be there for no matter what, to support and love through everything. 

to my bunso, if you see this, i love you.

~

to everyone i mentioned;

i know that i dont always say i love you. i know that i dont always show my appreciation for you. i know that im not always the best person.

but.

here i am now. showing you that i appreciate every single one of you. thank yu for coming into my life and making sure that i dont fall apart. thank you for making laugh and smile and feel complete. thank you for keeping me safe in your hearts, and trusting me to do the same. thank you for hanging out with me, for interacting with me, for meeting me and seeing me as a good person. thank you for keeping me in check, making sure that im okay, that i at least laugh once or more throughout the day. 

seriously. thank you for everything that you’ve done for me and more. 

-

yes i cried making this.

i love you.

~ mochinyx_

[lovesickmochi]

2/10/2021

VP;

i know what you’re going through is tough.

trust me. i know. i went through the same thing. but then again, you have it more difficult than i had.

i do my best to make you smile as much as possible. even when you’re having the worst day, or when you’re annoyed about something. hearing you laugh puts me at peace.

you took care of me when i was falling apart. when i was in my darkest days and when i didn’t feel like smiling anymore. you made sure i ate, that i slept, and you made me smile again. hell, you made sure i did my god damn homework.

and now, it’s my turn.

it’s my turn to take care of you like you took care of me.

when you told me that i was one of the most trusted friends you have, i knew right then and there that i had to make it my personal job to make sure that you don’t fall apart.

let me do my job. i’m here for you no matter what.

CJR;

my first impression of you was,

“she has a lot of energy. i like her >:)”

you barely knew me. and you never met me in person before, i was one of the very few people that you became friends with that you haven’t met yet.

and yet, you helped me realize that the relationship i was in was destroying me. you helped me realize that not everything is sunshine and rainbows.

you gave me multiple tarot card readings, which led to me being the person i am now. i’m happy again. i’m better. i’m healing. i’m at peace.

you took care of me as well. you yell at me to eat. you yell at me to sleep. you check on me when you get the chance to.

it’s my turn. it’s my job to take care of you too.

VP & CJR;

remember this.

he/she/they are not the sun. you are.

you are the light i aspire to shine towards the cruel world that we’re in. you’re so bright, and you never let anyone dim your light. you’re strong, and independent. i learned how to be just that from you.

it’s my job to take care of you. whether you let me or not. i’m going to take care of you.

you guys are graduating in a couple of months. i’m proud of you guys for all you’ve done so far. we are for sure going to make the dream of us moving in together a reality, no matter how long it takes.

whenever we vibe in a voice call, whether we’re chilling in silence, or screaming to rock versions of pop songs, or wheezing our asses off about simping for fucking video game cookies, i feel like i’m at home with you guys.

we have same brain moments all the fucking time, and it’s hilarious how our birthdays are in the same month. two arieses, and a pisces. our energies and vibes just mix together so well, i can see us growing up together after high school.

i’m never going to forget these few things:

- what you did for me

- how long you stuck by my side, even when things were rough

- the excitement i feel when i join y’all in vc

- the love and acceptance you give me all day everyday

everything.

you guys are everything to me.

i love you both.

now stop crying.

<3

mochinyx_

[lovesickmochi]

2/2/2021.

to the person i used to love,

i texted you again today.

here i am again, begging for you to give me my shit back.

it’s been five months since i left. i’m still hurt and broken from how you treated me.

when i first met you, i knew you were in a relationship. i was in a relationship too, but it was with someone else. you and i talked. we laughed. we smiled. we hung out. then we got distant. you disappeared. then you come back around seven months later, knowing that you and i are both single. you asked me out 6/3/2019. we had the whole summer romance adventure, and we saw each other every day when school started again.

i met your whole family and they loved me. your siblings jumped into my arms when you brought me over. your mom gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when she saw me. your dad gave me a firm handshake that gave me a notice that i was good for you. your grandma gave me jewelry that i still wear to this day. your aunts and uncles were so interested about my life and how good i was to you. december 2019, you broke up with me while i was at my church retreat. the night before i was going to sing ‘if i aint got you’ by alicia keys. you destroyed me, right then and there.

but i still had the balls to go back to you.

i texted your mom the night i got back home from the retreat and explained to her what you did. she was very disappointed. and so was your dad and your grandma. i got back with you and you “made it up to me” for breakup texting me. you said it was because you were depressed.

bullshit. you lied to me.

i left you and breakup texted you so that you could feel the pain i felt. and you decided to date one of my friends and french kiss her right in front of me.

then you had the nerve to make our anniversary my birthday. you asked me to get back with you. and i said yes. because i still loved you.

we dated from 3/19/2020 to 9/20/2020.

you moved from santa clara to modesto in june. since then, you got toxic.

controlling.

manipulative.

a cheater.

a liar.

an accuser.

you stopped texting first. you stopped being all lovey dovey. you stopped paying attention to me on facetime calls. you started to get distant with me. you started accusing me of cheating. you became a liar. you forced me to give you my passwords to my social media accounts, because you didn’t believe that i’m loyal. you talked to the girls you told me not to worry about more than you talked to me. just because i wasn’t a gamer like you.

i’m not sorry. you hurt me in ways i never thought you would. i grew up. you’re still the same. stop missing me, i’m not coming back.

you said that you helped me? what did you do that actually did something good? all you did was make me feel bad, you made me ignore what i needed to fulfill your needs.

you turned me into the person i was scared of becoming. weak. hopeless. unloved. depressed. you made me ignore people that made me feel at home. and now i lost them for good.

you broke me into pieces and i had little to no one around me to help me put myself back together. i had to do this shit by myself.

are you happy? with the girl that copies my every move and takes advantage of you? she takes advantage of you because i basically taught you all the shit that you would need/have to do/know about relationships. you were good, but... you didn’t have to hurt me like that.

i’m still not okay because of you. i’m still damaged. but i’m growing. you’re not. which isn’t a surprise. i’m glad i left you.

now give me my fucking jacket back you coward. be a fucking man and make your own decisions instead of being a sad momma’s boy and letting her control you. you’re almost 18 for gods sake.

fuck you.

~ mochinyx_

[lovesickmochi]

hey. i’m not new to the social media world. i’m just kiddo from gen z trying to find ways to cope.

i have a lot of thoughts that roam around the pool of interests and emotions. i’m growing from many many obstacles i had to overcome over the past three years now. by growing, i mean, even my mom doesn’t know who i am anymore.

i don’t know where my life is going to guide me towards, but i have a strong feeling that the journey won’t be easy. to these people, names i won’t mention, except initials, i thank for being here with me so far: RC, AVR, JD, EL, VP, CJR, DMT. if and or when you see this, i love you.

RC> you saved my life.

AVR> you keep my soul safe.

JD> you make me happy, you make me whole.

EL> you give me strength.

VP> you give me the chance to grow and learn.

CJR> you give me hope for the good future.

DMT> you guide me.

besides the fact that none of these people will see this, i hope, and i wish that nothing will harm them. i love them with every fiber of my being. i love them. they’re my home.

~ mochinyx_