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I honestly don’t know what I’m doing here.

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Dreams, Future, Love

For the longest time, people have always been asking me what I wanna do with my life, what do I want with my life, what I want for my future, and where do I go from here. And for a long time, I've always known the answer to those questions. I was just afraid to say it or even admit it to myself before because they might think I’m crazy, I’m stupid, or that I don’t have a direction or a dream for myself but now let me say this emphatically on this: I DON’T REALLY CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS OF ME NOW. I am not getting any younger, so I start to think of things like these. There’s a lot of things I enjoy doing, and it may seem like I don’t have a specific dream in life, but I do, I really do. I may not have it straight, but I actually want to finish school doing one of those things I enjoy. And now I’m in the process of doing so. It may not be my dream but it definitely is part of it. Because when all is said and done, my dreams have always been inside my heart, and it will stay right here always. So to sum it all up, I only have one answer to all of those questions. and the answer is: “to be with her always”.. I dream of marrying her. I dream of a future with her. I dream of growing old with her. And I dream of having her next to me, forever. Some will probably say that it’s not good to have a person as your dream, because when it falls apart, it’ll leave you broken. But let me tell you something, this love is a feeling I have never felt before, this love is special or unique, if I may. I’m not saying that I know what the future will bring me, but this love is something that I know will stay a part of myself for as long as I live. This is a feeling that no matter how unclear the future is, I’ll always prefer to have it in my heart. This is the kind of love that even in the worst of outcomes, it will always keep me alive. And with that, this love may leave me broken, but it will never let me give up. A love that will always give me the strength to move forward. A love that gives me a life to live. A love that even when the future is unclear, I always choose to believe that she is the only one I will be loving for the rest of my life, with or without her. A love that lasts forever.

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Mahirap...

Ang hirap pag nasa posisyon ka na hindi mo alam gagawin mo at wala kang magawa kundi kainin ang sarili mong nararamdaman. Posisyon na hindi mo ginusto at inakalang kalalagyan mo, pero wala ka talagang magagawa kasi nariyan ka na. Yung mga dati mong ayaw gawin, kinakailangan mo na; Yung dating ikaw, nag-iiba na. Binibigay mo lahat ng makakaya mo para lamang mapreserba mo yung kung sino ka kahit na puwersahan ka nang binabago ng mundo. Dahil sa buhay nang tao, mas masakit pa sa pagbabago ng paligid ang pagbabago sa sarili. Dahil hindi mo na magagawang kilalanin ang ibang tao, kung hindi mo na rin kilala ang sarili mo.

Pero minsan sa kabila nang lahat, mas pipiliin mong damdamin ang sakit, kaysa maging manhid ang iyong puso. Sapagkat may mga tao pa rin na ayaw mawala ang pinakamalaking patunay na tayo ay tao, ang ating puso at damdamin. Kailangan lamang ng kahit isang taong handang kayanin at gawin ang lahat para mapatunayan sa iyong may halaga ka pa at may dahilan ka pa para mabuhay.

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May mga bagay na masasakit, at napakahirap lahat.. Pero pag dinadala ng sabay, lalong bumibigat.

Sabi ko sa sarili ko dati, hindi na ako babalik sa ganun. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi na ko makakaramdam ng ganung klase at ganung kalalang pakiramdam. Nagawa ko naman. Ang hindi ko lang inakala ay may mas hihigit pa pala.

Sa buong buhay ko, ngayon lang ako nagmahal ng ganito. Ibang klase. Walang katulad. Pero ganun nga siguro ang buhay, kung gaano mo kamahal ang isang tao, ganun din kabigat pag nasaktan ka. Ang hirap lang kasi ito ang kaunaunahang beses na nakaramdam ako ng ganito sa buhay ko at hindi ko alam kung paano ko ito haharapin dahil hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko, hindi ko maintindihan.

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sa kaunaunahang pagkakataon sa buhay ko na nagawa ko kung ano ang pinaniniwalaan kong nararapat at tama, ay saka naman ako binabato ng mundo ng pinakamahirap na naramdaman ko sa aking buhay. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, hindi ko maintindihan. Lagi kong naiisip na siguro naging masama talaga akong tao dahil wala na akong makitang dahilan kung bakit ako pinaparusahan nang ganito ng mundo.

Sobrang bigat dalhin ng lahat lalo na kung yung isang taong pwede at gusto kong pagsabihan ay hindi natatanggap ng maluwag sa tuwing nilalahad ko ang aking nararamdaman. Wala na akong matakbuhan. Wala na akong mapuntahan. Hindi na ako makahinga. Bigla bigla ko na lang nasasabi sa sarili ko na "nakakapagod nang mabuhay." Pero hindi ko masasabing naging seryoso ako sa sinabi ko, hindi ko rin masasabing hindi dahil sa ngayon, hindi ko alam ang sagot. Gusto kong maniwalang may bukas pa, na magiging ayos din ang lahat, dahil sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, nagmamahal pa rin ako.

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This is hard...One of the hardest feelings I've ever had to endure in my entire life.

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One of the worst feelings in life is when you feel the person you love is about to give up on you and you can't do anything about it because you have to respect her wishes and what makes him/her happy..

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A week to remember..

I have heard a lot of stories. Different stories, different people, different friends. Some just plain senseless but this past week, I heard a lot of stories from different friends that I never even expected to be told. All of them were somehow very very touching and lifechanging. They gave me a much deeper perspective in life. This week, I had a lot of serious conversations with some friends and I gotta say, they were totally unexpected but very much appreciated. They shared me parts of their lives and I was honored to have been told those very meaningful stories. A story where one has loved and lost, a story of individual hardship, a story where one is about to lose someone, and a story of being in the dark, trying to find the light; They are all engraved in my heart. Truly a memorable week that I would cherish for as long as I live. It gives me hope that whatever obstacle may come my way, our way, I am never going to be alone because I know there are people who are willing to listen, and even stay with me through thick and thin. I am thankful for having them, especially having “her” in my life.

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A little something..

When people are hurt, they tend to lose sight of the people also hurting as much as they are. They tend to be blinded by their own pain that they only see the bad in everything that's happened to them. It's something that I've actually experienced and learned from after years and years of pain. Things are only as bad as you make them, as you see them. It's only natural to hate the ones who hurt you. But if you see past that hatred, past that pain, and see that not everyone of them are evil, not everyone of them are just to spite you; then it would bring about the best in you that you yourself have never seen before. It bring you courage that you never had before. Well, I guess I have to actually do things to take my mind off other things. I can't keep living like this forever. I'm only fooling myself waiting and expecting things would actually be in the direction I want them to go because I only have control over my decisions, and not the decisions of the people I love and the people I care about. They have their own decisions to make, and I have nothing else to do but accept it and respect it. I don't want to expect anymore, but I will definitely be waiting still.

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Hearing her voice makes me feel sad and happy. And it reminds me of what I am fighting for, and why I am doing this.

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What changed?

Everyday I ask myself, what changed? The truth is that I already know the answer. I just don't like to admit the fact that I did change. I guess we just have to embrace reality. That's what pain does to people.

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Spontaneous Events. Hahahaha. #napabowlingnabiglaan

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At Zarks last thursday.. #natrydinsawakas #saktolangpala

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Had a eating spree night with the sirs #boris #buen #paola

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"sana mameet kita this time"

aw! :’) mamemeet mo din ako.. malapit na alumni e..  :D

btw. brother sya ni Robin :) kinilig lang ako hahahahahha

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Nagbago man ang taon. Hindi pa rin nagbabago ang pag-ibig ko sayo. #Landian2k14

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Hindi lahat ng kaya mong tanggapin, kaya mo ring gustuhin.