lovelyisthedawn

[lovelyisthedawn]

bored af in ancient china and then they invent wine for the first time in history. feeling pretty swag. chilling there for like 7,800 years drinking wine and then the tang dynasty rolls around and they invent fireworks and playing cards. now my life can begin

[lovelyisthedawn]

your unreliable narrator fucking bit me

[lovelyisthedawn]

whenever i read "to whom it may concern" i dont bother reading any further because nothing on this earth can concern me #chill

[lovelyisthedawn]

wait whats a balls

someb kind of thing i think. whatever. i dont even need to know anymore

[lovelyisthedawn]

guy who thinks food was significantly harder to chew 17 years ago

[lovelyisthedawn]

what is the POOOOIINNTTTT in turning off reblogs to a good and popular post. I wanna reblog that. it was funny. it's my god given right to reblog. that feature was meant to use from the jump so people didn't reblog your personal shit. yall are just being mean when you see a post start to resonate and then you PULL THE TABLECLOTHHHHH

[lovelyisthedawn]

zuzu father doesn’t want me to tell you this but... the first step to generating lightning is putting a fork in that socket over there

[lovelyisthedawn]

The Least Intimidating bakery in the village has closed for good so now I’ve got to go to the Intimidating Bakery, it’s awful. If you don’t have a PhD in being French I don’t recommend going to that bakery, here’s the humiliating account of the 3 times I’ve visited it so far:

the first time I went in there I pointed at one of those extra-skinny baguettes and said “a flute, please” feeling pretty sure of myself, and the baker said “… that’s a ficelle” (you idiot) (was implied) “a flute is twice as large as a baguette.”

That’s insane, first of all, a flute is a skinny instrument. Call your fat baguette a bassoon, lady—I made some timid remark about how it would make more sense for a flute to be a skinny bread and the baker said, “In Paris it is. I thought you were from the South?”

oh, that hurt

I guess I’m from the part of the South that’s so close to Italy the bread’s waist size matters less than whether it’s got olives in it, but I left the bakery having an existential crisis over whether living in Paris had made me forget my roots

the Least Intimidating Bakery just had normal baguettes vs. seedy baguettes vs. horny baguettes (easy mode, some have seeds, some have horns), while the new bakery has breads that are only different on a molecular level—there’s a good old loaf and then another, identical loaf called a bastard? google told me a bastard is “halfway between a baguette and a bread” but denouncing them like “those are not regulation-sized bastards” would get me banned from the bakery for life

on my 2nd visit (while I stood in line discreetly googling baguette terminology) there was an English tourist who asked for a baguette while pointing at what was either a rustique or a sesame and I felt a bit worried for them, but the baker just clarified “this one?” to waive any responsibility if they found out later it wasn’t a classic baguette, then handed them the bread without educating them in a judgmental tone and I felt envious

I know it’s because she thinks the English are beyond saving but still it made me want to come back with a fake moustache and an English accent so I wouldn’t be expected to play bakery on expert mode just because I’m French. I asked for a pastry this time and the baker asked “no bread with that?” which felt cruel, like she wanted me to sprinkle myself with ashes and admit out loud that my level of bread proficiency isn’t as advanced as I once believed it was

The third time I went, I had lost all self-confidence and I hesitantly pointed at a bread and said “I’d like this, uh—what is it called?” and the baker looked at me in disbelief and said “That’s a baguette.”

God.

for the record, if that stupid bread had been flanked by a skinny bread (ficelle) and a fat one (flute) then yeah of course I would have known to call it a baguette, but in the absence of reference points I now felt lost and scared of being called a Parisian again

it’s hard to express the depth of my suffering so I’ll just let the facts speak for themselves: this morning a French person (me) stood in a French bakery in France surrounded by French people and pointed at a baguette and said “what is this called”

[lovelyisthedawn]

little kids are so fucking funny man. had a kid that couldn’t be any older than like 8 or so come up to me today asking where our dinosaur books where, and when i tried to gently redirect them downstairs (where our kids section is) they very matter-of-fairly informed me that they’d already read every book down there and are ready to learn about the “secret, grown-up only dinosaurs” now

[lovelyisthedawn]

the introvert urge to say “no worries either way” when you’re actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

[lovelyisthedawn]

[lovelyisthedawn]

Toshiyuki Enoki (1961-) - Black Cat Painting

[lovelyisthedawn]

the culture writers at rolling stone have invented the concept of doing drugs

[lovelyisthedawn]

disembowling a clowngirl and I'm trying to yank out her intestines but they just keep coming. its been 30 minutes and there's no end in sight. she's laughing at me

[lovelyisthedawn]

Gandalf: So I’ve developed an elaborate plan to save middle earth from darkness

Elrond: does it-

Gandalf: it involves hobbits again yeah

[lovelyisthedawn]

[lovelyisthedawn]