lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog

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It is legitimately sad when you find out that an adult has never been touching in a caring manner in his entire life. That seriously makes me want to cry.

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Time to let go

I just stopped by my old Harris Teeter. The first time I've been back since I moved away from it, which is roughly a month or so. The second I walked through the doors, everything, even the silence, seemed to scream "GET OUT" "YOU ARE NOT WELCOME" and "YOU DONT BELONG HERE." It was heartbreaking. And I'm not saying that because I want dramatic effect.

And then I looked at who was working, and felt even more out of place. My ex-boyfriend. And I think he saw me, too, but I didn't look at him more than the one time. I broke up with him about a month ago. Actually, it was four days after I moved to the new store. "Tabula Rasa" if you will. And I don't mean that in poor taste, it just so happened to coincide with the move to the new store.

I felt so decidedly outcast and horrible that I just got what I wanted and checked out through the self-checkout. I did talk to my old boss though, and she was happy to see me. But I could only be there for a few more minutes and I was pushing it even with that. So I got out as fast as possible.

I don't get it. That place used to be my HOME. I could go there, and whether or not I was having a good day, I would shove that aside and be happy. And then I started at the new store and felt like I was betraying the old store. So when I go back to visit, why should I be surprised that it has moved on without me? It's not my home anymore. None of my friends were working. Everything seemed so hostile.

I just need to forget about them and move on, too. My new coworkers are my new friends, my new store is my new home, and I don't need the old store. I'll keep in contact with the people I'm still friends with, but other than that, I'm no longer tied down.

Maybe I needed today. Yeah.

I can let go now.

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there are some moments where I feel so small and unimportant, I have to put my head in my hands and take deep breaths.

some moments I want to sit back and cry because everything seems to be against me and I have to bury my face in the pillow to keep anyone from hearing me.

some moments where I just don't think I'm strong enough to carry on the song and I have to tune out the dark because if I don't my pinprick of light fades fast.

some moments that I want to give up on everything.

But I don't.

Because then...

Then I remember I have the very best life could offer me. The best, most supportive parents. The most amazing two best friends that will never, ever give up on me, never get mad at me because I forgot to talk with them for thirty minutes. The most wonderful older brother who I can talk about [almost] anything with. The most beautiful and witty little brother who makes me laugh and gives me weird looks and tells me that my music needs to get to the good part with the guitars or he'll get bored of it.

I've been given the ability to create beautiful artwork with yarn, and flaunt them openly without being persecuted for it. I've been given the gift of making absolutely no sense, which makes everyone laugh.

I pursued a job opportunity of my own volition, no nagging from my parents needed, and basically had two more opportunities land in my lap, both of with I fully intend to grasp with both hands. I've been blessed with the influence of my parents' knowledge of how to handle the money I earn. They've taught my how to use good judgement (for the most part, I'm still a teenager though) and how to have integrity. They taught me the difference between right and wrong. I've been all over the world, which is an opportunity that most people don't get.

I have a very patient and caring boyfriend, who takes care of me when I'm sick, tells me he loves me before he falls asleep every night, makes sure I'm feeling okay during the day, and appreciates my knitting like no one else I know. Aside from my other half.

The point is, I don't have to look very far to see that my life is, indeed, important and that many, MANY people love me and want the best for me.

Good job getting this far, my dear. Keep going.

[lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog]

THIS ISNT FAIR AND DONT YOU DARE TELL ME LIFES NOT FAIR

It makes me sooooo mad. SO ANGRY. SO FRUSTRATED. My brother, yes, he's 19, whatever, get's to have his 19 year old gf come up into his room. UPSTAIRS. AWAY FROM EVERYONE ELSE.

Yes, I'm 17 and my boyfriend is 18, but we DONT get any privacy. NONE. Whatsoever. We dont get to go upstairs. There's no singular room downstairs with privacy. It's a very open layout. The two rooms that are available are (1) placed far from sight but covered in dog hair, which I'm allergic to, or (2) the room that connects all rooms and anyone that wants to go to a different room in the house has to pass through it. I can't even share a kiss with my boyfriend without someone ruining the private moment. Honestly, I don't care that much about people seeing me kiss him, but he really doesn't like to have an audience, so we can barely hold hands in that room.

So today, I was watching the Mentalist with my mother and father on the couch in this center room, and my brother and his girlfriend are up in his room. (That in itself makes me extremely jealous and it makes me hate her for it.) His room is like a blazing inferno in the summer and a freezing gust of wind in the winter. So since it's really hot, he turns on the fan. We can't hear our TV show (because everyone on it is a low talker) and they apparently can't hear their movie (that they have started in the middle of our episode, mind you), so all we hear is the blasting fan and every single note of Evita. I go up the stairs to tell them that we aren't watching Evita so they need to turn it down, and my brother says "well we aren't watching the Mentalist, so YOU turn it down."

Eventually, I just give up and tell my parents to go watch something in their room, leave my brother and his gf alone, and slam the door to my room in anger and frustration. I really want to hurt something badly. I want my brother to apologize, I want my parents to tell him he can't have his girlfriend up in his room, I want her to freaking leave so I can finish my episode and do my leg exercises and go to sleep.

SIMULTANEOUSLY

Last week on Thursday I had my wisdom teeth removed. All four of them. I'm in a great deal of pain and I have been since thursday. It is MY week to be selfish and get my way. Two years ago, when he had his wisdom teeth out, I did my brother's laundry, I brought him apple juice, I made his bed when he wasn't in it, I vacuumed his room, I took the dog out, I emptied the dishwasher alone, I cleaned up everything after dinner, I did EVERYTHING he was supposed to do FOR HIM. Now it's my turn to be in pain and what does he do for me?

He pats me on the head and says "Awww."

I did my own laundry, I cleaned up the dishes, I wiped down the table. WHY THE HELL AM I THE ONE GETTING ALL THE CHORES WHEN I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE RESTING.

I want to cry and throw up because of the crap I've been put through, I'm on pain medication that makes me angry and tired and depressed and somehow everything is my fault, I get complained at when I wear my pajamas after twelve oclock, I get complained at when I don't take a shower, I have to remind myself when to take my pills, I have to fix my own meals when I'm hungry, I have to discipline myself to do my leg exercises every single day or I have to go back to using crutches to walk around.

SOMEONE TELL THE UNIVERSE THAT IM NOT THE TARGET FOR ALL ITS CRAP.

AND GET COLE'S GIRLFRIEND OUT OF THIS HOUSE SHE THINKS IM SOME SORT OF BABY TO PAT ON THE HEAD AND SAY "YOU POOR CHILD"

NEWSFLASH

I'M 17. I DONT WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE IM FOUR YEARS OLD.

[lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog]

Why can he talk about this to everyone but me? I have never, EVER felt so shut out by my own boyfriend.

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I did it, yes. Why?

sevendevils- replied to your post: Drown Me, Drown Me

did you do this or…?

[lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog]

Drown Me, Drown Me

So drown me, drown me in the river

Watch me wash away

Take my soul and bury it

Among the reeds and hay

Nobody will ever know

The unrest of the saints

Until the day I rise again

From my weary fate

But take me away and watch;

My soul is rising skyward

Just try and catch me now, you fools

The saints are made my sword.

The heavens are my resting place

I rain on land and sea

For you, mere mortal, were to weak

And you could not catch me

Outsmart the gods, you say? Ha! Ha!

My light, my sound, my almighty power?

Good luck, you foolish, foolish human

Where is your light now in the darkest hour?

But drown me, drown me in the river

Watch me wash away

Take my soul and bury it

Among the reeds and hay

[lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog]

~ Oh I just can't wait to be king ~

[lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog]

Starting a new story. You guys should read it :]

http://www.tumblr.com/blog/anditwasraining

[lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog]

yuan18 replied to your post: yuan18 replied to your post: HIIIIIIIIII CHLOE...

A writing blog? =D How EXCELLENT. *instafollow* Ashley is quite good at this coding business.

Yesss she's amazing. I'm not sure how often I will be thusly inspire to write but I promise it's not usually crap :]

[lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog]

I'm home

sooo much to do tomorrow...

work in the backyard to make it presentable for my soon-to-be-6-year-old brother's birthday party

look sexy while I'm at it

go to funeral

look goth while I'm at it

and try not to cry because gosh darnit I really did love that lady

go to friend's birthday party and have fun

look sexy while I'm at it

Hmm.

Oh and also, my dad said: I hope you're going to take your makeup off before you go to bed. It's healthy for your face.

Hmmm.

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Oh yes it's bedtime look at that

bah yall

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theaustipicizer started following you

Hi! Welcome! I'm awkward so I'll just give you a big ol' hug and

oops

forgot I was covered in superglue.

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Have you ever just

there's a moment where

you dont ever want something to end.

I wrote that. Now I have writer's block.

>.>

[lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog]

wat is this its cool

Heat Plant by Zeinstra Van der Pol Architects

by Bart van Damme

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Underwater Sculptures

This is really going to freak someone out thousands of years from now. 

[lovelydaysinautumn-blog-blog]

Look guys it can be worn like this too!

//casual jail cell in backgroud

it's chillin