lovegideon

[lovegideon]

I cut again. Deeper than usual. I watched the blood bead up and felt an unusual euphoria. I just dissociate all the time now I feel like when I do I rock back and forth like a fucking tism bitch. I don’t feel real. It hurts.

[lovegideon]

Bright hazel eyes

His eyes trail through my soul like he's been there before, as if he had known every dark corner, every crevice. It doesn't bother him when i just give myself time to stare at him, take in every single detail i can for as little time as i have with him that day. It doesn't bother him when i ask to hold onto his hand while he drives me back to his place, all thirty sum odd minutes, he actually just offers it now. It didn't bother him when i got drunk and told him how i feel about him, even when i re-said it being sober. I sent him a picture of my new hair color and he went "Oh shit. Damn. It looks realllllyyy good on you. Very handsome." STOPPPPPP YOU DID NOT! I've never had someone react like that to pictures of me, let alone just the fact that i changed the color of my hair. It's like i could see the look on his face when he got those pictures, just by the way he texted me. I want him so bad. We have such primal sex, its like the sex scene in breaking dawn with Edward and Bella just fuckin going at it LMAO. It's nothing I've ever had before, its so passionate, our entire bodies move when we soul tie. I can appreciate how he spent the time to respond and talk to me during his relax day, especially after like a week of not talking to him. His son locked him out of his phone for the weekend and hasn't had the time to look through it, he was like "I'm sorry i promise i wasn't ignoring you." THANK GOD. That was right after i sent my drunk text, so i was like freaking out,,,, did i say something wrong? did i scare him off??? No. He was ready to accept me for me and understand my feelings. I think he likes me too c: he went out of his way to reassure me multiple times he didn't mean to leave me clueless after that. He takes the time to look at all my silly memes and actually wants to download Spotify for me when he can LMAO he's just so so busy. I understand and respect it so much because he's just on that grind and GOOD as he should be! I'm also secure enough with myself to not just assume the worst anymore, i totally did when he didn't respond though especially for a WEEK, but again i understand now. I know if he wasn't feeling it he would definitely tell me because, we have known each other for so so long and he's such a straight forward honest guy. We talked about how we didn't make it a solid minute in his house before we started making out and touching every bit of each other. I told him i wouldn't make it out of his car before kissing him the next time i see him. We are just so very compatible. I enjoy listening to his country music, and looking at all the war stuff he has on his YouTube recommended, and watching him get dressed and do his morning routine when we wake up at 5:30am to go back to my place. I enjoy playing in his hair while he goes down on me, i love the soft gentle sucks he gives my neck and chest whilst trying to mark what's his. I love hearing his moans and feeling his breath on my neck. I've been so undeniably into this guy since fucking freshman year and my attraction has only grown more since getting to know him again. To feel wanted again, its thrilling.

Josh, istg im losing it for you LMAO

[lovegideon]

I'm doing better

I moved back into dads house. The first few days were fucking rough but after that I adapted and became determined. I WILL get out soon. I promise myself that. I applied to 12 different jobs in one day, got an interview to an arbys that same day. My plan??? Phone, Car, and then a place of my own. Im not even going to buy weed until i get a car first, which is gonna fucking SUCK but i know my cousin and sister got me if i really need it which is so so nice. I'm still talking to Josh, its nothing serious just keeping it casual for now, especially since i just got out of a long-term relationship, plus hes BUSY. He works everyday LONG hours, im not complaining though c:. He makes time to text me back when he can and genuinely puts effort into seeing me and talking to me, and thats all i can ask for lol. I currently have two other dudes whp just wanna fuck, which im so fine with LMAO i dont really wanna date anyone, not for a while anyways. If things evolved between Josh and I, I def wouldnt complain howeverrrr not for a while. Im talking like 3-4 months minimum. Ive been playing with my style a bit more since moving back in, i paint my nails anytime i see a chip in one and chnage the colors frequently, which is so fun for me. I still have some of my feminine qualitys and I love that about myself. I havent played with my makeup in a while but thats just because at the current moment i feel it feminizes myself too much, which soon it wont feel that way anymore! Im missing my t shot by two days because walgreens fucking sucks and didnt switch over my presciption so Anthony is gonna grab it for me tomorrow and bring it over THANK GODDDD! Anthony and i are still great friends, nothing ended on bad terms and we were both very mature about it. We both wish it didnt have to be this way but, we both have so much growing and learning to do and i cannot be mad about that. We kissed for the last time the day he helped me move all my shit into my dads. It felt so good,,, i missed it i will be honest, and ill miss it forever probably, but hes always going to be in my life and i wont do anything to change that for the world. Hes so important to me and i will ALWAYS love him so very much. He will forever be my Buggy. Bastion has been adjusting well, he misses having a kitty friend so when i get stable enough in my own place (probably a year or so down the line) i plan on getting him his own kitty c:. Miso has been SO BRAVE since we moved in. Shes let Austin and my dad pet her, which is miles worth of improvement. my current situation sucks but im making the most of it until i get myself back on my feet. I forgot what it felt like to be independent and do whatever i want. I wont say i missed it but i will say its refreshing to know i still got this shit. Im still capable of being my own person, i was so worried id just fumble, but im NOT.

[lovegideon]

Nose ring and a lip stud

I don't know what it is. Maybe its his work ethics, maybe its the way he sings along to his silly country music, maybe its even the fact that he's such a great dad..... or how he holds me, how he grips onto me in his sleep while he snores in my ear. It could be that oh so sexy body with his oh so sexy tattoos sprinkled everywhere.... or its the way he giggled at me when i told him he has a cute butt.... or even how he lets me hold his hand while he drives,,,, or that hes never not happy to see me. Yesterday he picked me up after a LONG ass work day even though he thought he might not be able to,,, he still put in all that effort just to come get me AND THEN let me spend the night and didnt complain about the drive at all. It was like a scene from any wattpad y/n ive ever read,,,, but it was also so unpredictable at the same time. We walk into his house and drop our things, me taking off my shoes first (because im a gentleman like that LMAO) and him walking towards me not too long after. I smiled back at him and felt my body start to tremble,,, not in fear but excitement??? Anxiety??? a combination of both i believe. I walked toward him and we met, letting our lips touch one another. I felt his soft pretty lips caress mine as if he had also missed my touch. As if he had also missed my lips on his.... He grabbed my face as we kissed whilst my hands fell to his waist, pulling him towards me in passion and hunger. I felt my hand creep down towards his,,,,, b o n e r,,,,, and soon after we were in his room getting undressed on opposite sides of the bed. Now, i have never met a mad that didnt want me to give him head before we had actual intercourse... until then. That had just become a habbit honestly, i was so used to having to please first that i forgot what it felt like to have someone want to please me..... The entire time we had sex it felt so so good, not just physically but mentally. We both have the same stance of "sex is sex but sex is soul tying." It really felt like we were both feeling that connection, the passion, the kissing, the moans from both of us almost in sync at some moments. I felt his entire body want me in that moment and i l o v e d every bit of it. Afterwards we talked for what felt like forever in the best ways possible, and then cuddled. Soon i felt his breaths getting heavier which shortly turned into snoring. I did not complain, it was honestly comforting. He was so comfortable with me he was able to sleep so well. This morning leaving his car i told him i havent slept this well in like a week, and he chuckled and nodded. "I havent slept that well in a.... while actually." I dont care if this lasts for just a week, or forever. He will always be a close friend and no matter what happens that wont change. I w a n t it to last i will be honest.... He's so sweet and the fact that hes so willing to do what he can to see me and pick me up.... it just means the world to me. I dunno, i could go on for a while about this im just glad i got it all out in words on my lil diary.... Thank you Josh for being here for me <333

(he will probably never see this.... i might read it to him though on day....)

[lovegideon]

Its 2am

Sometimes i think about what he said to me that one time. "If you dont look back on your old self and cringe there is something wrong with you." so theres OBVIOUSLY something wrong with me LMAO. I think back on my past and of course cringe at the moments i wore suspenders everyday or the fake strip of purple hair id wear under a hat too big for my head, yet i dont even regret doing even those things. I honestly wish part of her were still there for me. The endless creativity with fanfiction and funny little drawings that meant nothing to anyone but me, those are things i wish i still possessed. The dreams, the hopes, the aspirations, they were all so beautiful and as an adult the next thing you get to worry about is how long the food is gonna last before you get more money on the ebt card. I almost feel like im not allowed to want to be someone important, someone who makes music for people to laugh at and actually feel to. Someone to make jokes even in the worst of the worst for the masses to see and love. Hopecore is honestly one of my favorite things to see on tiktok as of recent, its super wholesome and reminds me even as an adult im allowed to still love these things and aspire to be that some day, even when the hope seems to be all gone. Maybe im just yapping to myself on tumblr because i cant sleep and feel like i need a gyat damn blunt.

[lovegideon]

Tossing and turning

I can’t stop thinking about those nights I spent awake till dawn watching shows and talking shit with them. I can’t stop thinking about how I just wanna know if they’re okay. I wish my brain would shut off at night but it never does. I know they’re all better off without me,,, I’m sure maybe one day we will meet again and on better circumstances this time around but god does it hurt to know that maybe some things are better left alone. I’ve never had someone in my life that I wanted to fix things with so badly until just a year ago. Things will be good for them I know it, all of them. I just miss it.

[lovegideon]

Im just Gideon

What does that mean? i find myself frequently questioning who i am. Learning about my gender was just the tip of the ice burg. I listen to new music and try new things daily to see what really tickles my fancy. I look into new video games instead of minecraft or sims which ive been playing for YEARS. I played a shooter game on a laptop for the first time and found out i actually really like it. I had my hair cut into a fohawk which i actually fucking LOVE. The plot is thickening and im so genuinely excited to see what happens next. Im writing my own story in this book, not anyone else. At my core, im a bad bitch. Point blank period. Even if the last time i went to the hospital i needed to call my dad, just to hear him say those words to me. I needed it, and that makes me even BADDER because i got what i needed when i needed it. Im the healthiest ive been in a minute, mentally and physically. Im eating normally again, im actually excited to see my friends instead of it being a task ive set for myself so i dont rot. Even if i am "Just Gideon" Im fuckin GIDEON BITCH!

G- etting shit done

I- dolizing MYSELF

D- oin the most

E- lated to be alive

O- n THAT SHIT

N- ever gonna catch me lackin

[lovegideon]

HIM <3

[lovegideon]

I forgot how therapeutic it is to just sit and listen to music and post on tumblr. Crazy

[lovegideon]

Dear whoever stumbles upon this

I love this little life. Ive gotten the help i needed and successfully have become the person ive always wanted to be. I have been diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar depression, since then ive been taking my Lamictal and Abilify daily which has just about saved my life. I came out as Trans not too long after my last hospital visit. That hospital.... fucking awful. I didnt get good food for a week, i questioned everything about myself while i was there, i couldnt stop crying, the entire time i had no idea why i was even there to begin with. The last thing i could remember before going was taking an extra zoloft, which is actually what caused me to be in the hospital. I overdosed! I didnt even mean to, i took an extra one because in my head, it would help my anxiety better. Yeah dont do that LMAO serotonin syndrome makes you go literally crazy. I dont remember anything from that night but this time it wasnt just my brain it was a pill too. After all that i got horrified of going back. It killed my confidence. I looked in the mirror and wanted to die, i hadnt felt this kind of dysphoria in years,,, and it was simply because id ignored it for so so long. None of my clothes felt right, my hair was too long and my shape was too fem. I cut it all off. Within an instant my hair was FUCKED. Im talking choppy short awful mess. I sobbed and walked out of the bathroom "Babe!" he looked at me with a sad look and nodded. "I need a haircut like now..." and he took me to get one. He actually got a cut with me, the shortest ive ever seen his hair and he did it all for me. The haircut was only the beginning. I felt instant euphoria and started to realize what id screamed in the hospital my first night there while i was scared, and confused was right. "IM A TRANS MAN!!!!" i screamed out of desperation hoping theyd let me out if i was just honest with myself. I came out about a month after the hospital, to which everyone wasnt really surprised. which is fair, ive always gone by any and all pronouns so it really wasnt a shocker. Anthony helped me choose my name. It was a whole week of me crying because i had to let go of the personality i created to protect myself. I mean im still me. Im still the same bitch i was a year ago except im older now. I know my actions and behaviors have an effect on everyone around me. I know how to handle myself a lot better and the meds help so much. Its a battle to get up everyday and say "Its gonna be a good day!" but i HAVE to. If i dont than whats the point of the meds? They dont work unless you want them to, i know this first hand. I started testosterone about two months ago and im loving it so much already. My body is changing, ive got hella bottom growth and t-boy voice out the ass. Ive never been happier in my own body. We got new animals. WHile im at home i get to take care of them and the house, its been nice. I miss working a LOT but i know im helping. Im here to take care of them and clean the house and im so okay with that. We have a Romulus, hes all black with small white spots on his tummy anf chest. Hes a fucking demon LMAO Anthony loves him though and i couldnt be happier about that. WE also got a Bastion! Hes only 3 months old right now, but hes a sweet angel. Hes a pit boxer puppy with brindle and white on his coat. He already knows how to sit, go potty outside, come to his name! Him and Romulus are best friends which is so sweet. They keep my life busy and im so grateful for it. My little life is wonderful. I do miss her. Sometimes i miss him. At the end of the day they'll get better and thats all i want. I hope they love their little life.

[lovegideon]

Dear someones,

There’s something beautiful inside of me that’s just starting to emerge. I feel like flowers are growing from my heart and the weight of five elephants has been lifted from my brain. It’s the medication for sure but it’s also the environment, the energy, the new places and new experiences. It’s the peace I’ve created with my wonderful buggy 🐜 by my side throughout the entire process. I feel as though if the things that happened never happened, I wouldn’t be in the same spot. I’ve completed abandoned any and all things that bring my life stress and I don’t wish to engage with things like that anymore, I’ve been saying it for so long and allowing it continuously without even the slightest bit of care for myself in mind and that in and of itself weakened me and my spirit. I can however, be positive about my new situations and the things I’m learning through being a foster mom, a soulmate, and a responsible adult. I’m working 30 hours a week with great pay, and I’m even getting to enjoy all of the small things like loud sex and walking around my own house naked, or our giant garden tub that we lay in together with the lavender dr.teals that puts me right to bed in the warm envelopment of the water. I couldn’t be in a better spot

[lovegideon]

[lovegideon]

[lovegideon]

[lovegideon]

[lovegideon]

I so truly it was as simple as not caring, but god you wouldn’t believe the shit that goes on in my head and that’s sounds dramatic as shit but dude, shut the fuck up if you don’t care enough to sit down and talk with me about the problems you have with me or just to fucking check in on me lmao basic human decency coming from people who claim to be adults. I’m not saying what I did last night wasn’t wrong, I should’ve at the very least told Anthony I was just stepping away to get some air and not interact with people, I needed to sit with myself and my feelings and call someone for help when it went awful. I was completely and utterly in the wrong for texting Brice what I texted and telling Anthony what I told him (which I so honestly don’t remember any of) I was in such a fucked mental state I probably should have been alone for a while long, under the terms of which I told Anthony and I let someone know I was okay. My phone died right after I turned my location off so no one was able to reach me until I got it charged in the basement and called Anthony right away. I did what I did and there is no changing it, I’m sorry. That is it though. I have nothing to say about it because I do not care enough and cannot allow myself to give any of you answers. It’s a waste of my time and energy and I cannot use myself for the betterment of others without thinking anymore so I will and will always do goodbye to all of you. It’s a chapter of my life I’m letting go for realzies this time besties.

[lovegideon]

I have BPD. I am going to show signs of having bpd. My emotions are heightened by 10x compared to what normal people experience. I’m sorry that’s too much for any of you to handle, but I was making more progress than I’ve ever made in my entire life. Thank you for asking tho c: I’ll get better with or without you and eventually won’t even think about any of you. I can’t force myself to give a shit about people who don’t give me the time of day, and I find myself doing it more often than not. No one cared enough to sit down with me for two hours like Anthony did, to hear me out and hear my entire life story and understand that I am the way I am because of repeated mistreatment and neglect from every adult in my life. It’s not your problem, but your problem IS not taking the time to hear me out or even ask about it. That will no longer be my burden to carry for it’s become far too heavy. You can say I never cared, or all of it was for attention, but at the end of the day you all know me and should ask yourselves why instead of assuming or shit talking. Y’all are better than that just like I’m better than letting myself die cold and alone in the woods. The only person I could call for help was mars, and I’m so glad I did. I barely remember like 85% of what I did last night. I got LOST in my own neighborhood, forgot where I put my weed, and had no idea what I said to Anthony when he came home or what I texted Brice while Anthony was yelling at me (warranted)

I have a psych appointment on the 17th and 2pm. I’m fucking doing it. Not for anyone but myself and my boyfriend. I do not care anymore.