loveandpain312

[loveandpain312]

Acabo de ver un pine en Pinterest que dijó un buen practica para mejorar su lengua segunda, es escribir en un diario. Obviamente, estoy horible en escribiendo en un diario en general, no importa cuanto quiera que sea un habito. Pero, me gustaria tratar. Cuando me mude a Inglaterra, depende en mi situacion de trabajo, espero que pueda empezar un rutina de habitos muy beneficiales y regulares. Diaramente, quiero hacer cosas que son buenos para mi cuerpo, mi mente, mi vida social, mi energia feminina, etc. Necesito una rutina estricta para ser lo mejor posible, tengo la mayor energia cuando tengo una rutina, y si no tengo una rutina de trabajo muy regualar, quiero una rutina de autocuidado y automotivacion.

Estoy en la cabaña, acabo de hacer paddleboard y nadar en el lago. Solo hacía 50 grados... pensaba que no pudiera hacerlo porque el frio, pero el sol naciente me mantuvo caliente, y el agua estaba sorprendentemente bastante caliente también. Sin embargo, después de nadar, la vuelta al agua fue fría. Despues hice un Te de dandelion y estoy epserando por mi pelo secarse para ir afuera y leer por el lago.

[loveandpain312]

to me

Dear Hailey,

Young me, I miss you. I miss seeing the world through vulnerable eyes. Everything still new. Every experience your first. You're still here, you're still me, with just a little bit more experience. I want you to know that you are perfect and the life your living you will never forget. This you, is one I will keep safe forever. now, i kind of, finally, feel old. But I want to tell you how much I love you. What's changed and what hasn't. Well, your first love, the one that broke your heart to shreds? He is now the love of your life, who I am assuming, will be your future husband. Crazy right? Ryan Carroll is your (very serious) boyfriend. You are actually, moving to England to go live with him for a year. He joined the military (it saved him) and now that's where he is. You just graduated college, 5 years after starting. You got your degree in health education and Spanish. I wish I could tell you to study spanish a bit harder, but its a little too late for that. We are doing just fine with it though, now. A lot has changed, and stuff you have watched happen with me. But I want to tell you that I love you, and that you are still the same to me. You still feel things so deeply. You've struggled with it. It can feel hard sometimes to feel so big in ways you know are simply personal for you, you can never force someone else to understand the things you feel-so you wish more than anything someone could understand, but you also know that only you do. You're safe in your own little world, where you understand you. I understand you. And sometimes it can be hard, sometimes you feel lost and alone. but you also know it's okay, and you are complicated, you are uniquely deeper in ways people will probably never understand, and it's not their fault, nor yours. You are connected deeply to yourself. You are passionate.

You are confident, so confident. It comes naturally. You are selfless and kind. You have amazing friends who you would do anything for and they would do anything for you. You have a boyfriend who you are head over in heels for, who loves you back just the same. You are intelligent, well spoken and strong. You are growing and maturing beautifully. You radiate kindness and people feel safe with you. You are an amazing and beautiful woman you are proud of. But we wouldn't be here without each other. I love you. Forever, you are in my heart.

[loveandpain312]

bittersweet

Im watching the second season of the summer I turned pretty and i feel so emotional right now. It's a deep emotion that i feel often, yet not often at all. I think its bittersweet. Im reminded of when I was a 12 year old girl. The way I connect to this plot, the characters, their love for a place. How much it reminds me of the cabin. Being young. Heart so vulnerable. Love looking so big. Feelings being so overwhelming but small, new innocent. She's inside me. It's her who is speaking to me with these emotions right now. I love stories, the ones you resonate with. on a deep level.

[loveandpain312]

Love myself

As I have grown into an adult woman, I feel I have fallen out of love and back into love with myself. 

I feel a lot.

[loveandpain312]

6/30/23

Ryan was home and left a little under a week ago. The first few days were rough, honestly. My stress of having to share him, my burning need for control over our time, ruined the mood a little at first, for both of us. We went to Colorado, and it was nice. I love and am comfortable with his family. We were together a lot, but he also was off a lot, with Brooks and the guys. The wedding day was beautiful. Full of love and happiness. The most memorable moment was the day after the wedding, after the girls all went to the small mining town while the guys went to the casino, I was hoping Mikayla would drop me off at the airbnb after, but instead she brought me to her apartment to hang out as we waited for the boys. I was sleepy, she set the TV up for me to lay there while her and Makaia brought the other girl home. I was dozing off, watching adventure time when they returned. We stayed up talking for over an hour, gossiping, sharing relationship drama and stories, and bonding. It was a moment that made me feel whole, that female bond. There is nothing better, than feeling safe in a woman's presence. It’s warm, gentle, nurturing. In contrast to the firey, passionate, intense feeling of safety in a mans arms. Its the beautiful and gentle balance of energy, manifested in human kind. Both are necessary, powerful. I cherish both. But I feel the most safe in that female space. Seen. Understood. And it makes sense. Its that feminine, sisterly bond. I don’t know Mikayla well, but I am so thankful for her. She embodies that nurturing, pure feminine softness and love. She is a great person. I look up to her. I am so excited for her to be my sister for life, soon.

Then ryan forgot about me and forgot to pick me up! He apologized deeply...

When we went home, I had a small meltdown. I cried. I’ve been getting in my head badly. not understanding whats real or what im making up, what im justified for feeling and whats fantasy. And then I hate myself for feeling, being upset, making something an issue. I latch onto emotions and blow up. Hate myself for it, then hate myself for hating myself for it. It all came out, leaking into our relationship. We talked through it, and I spent the evening and following day, giving myself and him space from each other, trying to reconnect with myself. I felt better by the end of the day. He came over and each day after was special and more fulfilling. On Tuesday, we got breakfast at Josephs, then went home to watch some love island and hang out. We went and got Nelsons, then went to his house to swim. Swimming with him gave me butterflies, it made me feel giddy. I have such a big crush on this boy. I felt a whole lot of nostalgia... back in stillwater, no worries, just spending time together, getting icecream, swimming. i felt back in high school again, But this time he didnt break my heart. I can’t believe this boy is now mine, for good. He went fishing with his dad, then i picked him back up, we made really good sliders and watched the mario movie which i loved. We had many amazing moments together. On our last day, we saw the flash movie. It was an emotional movie, at the end i held his hand and thought about how fully I love him, With my whole body. Its unconditional, he can do nothing wrong in my eyes now. We have our incompatibiites. We fight, We disagree, We clash. But we love each other. We grow together, we have passion. This love is the one I have always felt I will have in my soul. and while sometimes it is hard, it is everything to me, Our love is valuable, i would never throw it away. I have lived and learned and made mistakes and now I know how committed I am to loving him forever. I love him so much it consumes me. I am so excited to be in his arms for good in 2 short months. We are almost there. I feel our love is written in the pages of a book. I will cherish it all my life. How I love Ryan so much. 

[loveandpain312]

dump

I just need to do a dump of all the things bugging me or that I need to get out real quick.

1. Work has been slow which is just so annoying because it’s so painful to be at work because its so boring all the time, but also of course I am always stressing and worrying about the money im making. It’s not HORRIBLE...but it’s not as good as in the past, and i just want to be making so much money since im working so much. Im always stressing at work about making as much as possible and it just feels so hard to even make 100 sometimes. And since i dont make much i feel i need to work more but that takes away from other parts of my life. But I dont want to stress...i want to just let go and not worry about it. Any money is good and it adds to what I have. It wouldnt be worth it to find another job or start somewhere new. 

2. Something about veda feels off or is just bugging me rn. It kinda feels like our frienship is in an off vibe rn and idek why. I feel like when I talk to her she’s been more judgey and serious w me but not in a helpful way. I feel like there’s no fun in our relationship rn cuz everything is about something serious. And her reactions about my england path and ryan just feel so insincere and like shes not genuinely happy or rooting for me. But me being me, I then wonder if IM the one thats judging myself, and if I feel this from Veda because it’s a projection of my own insecurities. It’s probably a little of both honestly. 

But also, this is the part of me that I DISLIKE...has been so annoyed w veda and her situation cuz i dont get why she doesnt just get a job on top of blooming brightly. SHE HAS TIME FOR IT, but all she does is sit and stress and complain about money. Its just kinda tiring hearing her stress over and oer again and have to reassure her over and over again everything is gonna be fine. And what I REALLY DONT GET being so annoyed about is her wedding. THe fact that they are getting married when veda is literally broke and I get their family is paying for the wedding and idk what part of me is so bitter feeling about weddings, but i just find it so conceited to make other people pay for your entire wedding day. IDK.like idk why it angers me so much rn its weird. But the fact everyone has to pay so much money for THEM to get tied by the government is just ridiculous to me. Of course people can help out, but to me its just a stupid part of society that gives me bratty selfish vibes. I love veda and want to support her because she is a great friend, but having to pay so much for her to get married is just whack to me. When i get married my goal is for it to be the littlest amount of cost period. 

THose things all bug me that they bug me. It makes me feel like a bitter selfish person and i hate it. I just wanna be good...selfless, loving and good. Why am I like this?

Lastly just my stress about my relationship and moving. I want to do it. when ryan comes home I hope it helps assure me. But i constantly wonder if this is the relationship im meant for. 

[loveandpain312]

6/1/23

I went to Andreas daughters Quinceañera last Sunday, and it was so fun. I literally love the culture so much... I went with Sam and he wanted to leave early, but I somehow convinced him to stay for a long time lol. I felt kind of scared bc Paulo/Erick was there with his GF (on Cinco Erick was like blatantly flirting w me and buying me drinks all night and not showing her any attention) and i thought she probably hated me so i was avoiding them which was probably done, but I was a little tipsy and Sam wanted to leave (  i really didnt wanna leave cuz i wanted to be able to dance but also had nobody to dance with)so we were walking out and they were all standing outside so I talked to them, she was super nice and clearly didn't hate me which made me feel better. Since the vibes were good I told sam I might stay and have my mom pick me up, and that convinced HIM to stay too lol. So we went in and I started dancing with Jorge and his girl lol and Quique & Erick and its sooo fun when they just whip you around, but I knew what I was doing enough bc I learned n Costa rica It was literally just soooo fun and pure and good vibes. I took a few more shots with random people and the best part was sam wouldnt dance with me (He did only a tiny bit) but Emily totally had a crush on him so she was flirting with him and made him dance w her lol. It was super fun. I loved it.

Ryan comes home in 9 days!!!! Im so excited to see him and go to the wedding. 

Rn im at a coffee shop cuz Im working on some stuff and im for real so unsettled about my job situation for while im in england. Im super happy to move there and have a year of fun and travel, but I just really want to get a fulfilling job for when Im there and ryans saying it probably is unlikely af I can get a job at the school which really sucks. I am sure i will find work I enjoy for the time being, but not knowing what Visa I need is stressing me out...and I really do want to get started in my education career. I want to start teaching...so it will suck if i cant get a school job :( Im sure it will all work out, but I just really dont want to wait too long to start my career. I hope if I cant in england, it will work out for immediately after, whether we are still in the military or not. 

Sometimes I feel like im a bad person. i feel like im selfish. I want to just be good, without trying. Im sure im overreacting, but i feel I should do some shadow work and really work on being a GOOD person.

[loveandpain312]

me

When you are so deeply connected to yourself, it can be difficult to learn how to show it to others. We all want to be loved, understood and accepted by another. Something I’ve only just realized, is how hard that can be when we understand that the only one who can truly do that for us, is ourselves. Now that I’ve known forever, it was a realization I made at a young age, proving I had a maturity beyond me I didn’t recognize yet. What I am only learning now, is how this deep self-connection has interfered with my ability to create a similar deepness with someone else. The level I know myself at, is on a deeper level than I think is fathomable for a lot of people. I have always sensed what feels like a deep, inner voice inside of me, what I know now is a combination of who I am on the physical plane, my inner child, and my soul. Together, we go throughout life, always holding on to one another, to make sense of our experiences and lessons learned in every single thing we do. We love each other so much, the love alone could nourish me throughout life. However, my complexity goes beyond that. I could live with only the love I have for myself, but my depth allows rooms for more…more love than imaginable. What that means, is that I have as much love for myself and most only have to give to another, plus a million more big and little loves. However, when you understand yourself so much with a love so unconditional, can you imagine how it feels finding someone who also understands you at that level? It’s nearly, if not completely possible, I think. Its extremely frustrating. When you feel so deeply about something, see something so beautiful, just to realize that it will never be perceived the same by anyone else, only yourself. When you crave that connection of understanding, to share the same transcendent emotion here and there. To explain how you feel or what you love, and have it be completely and utterly understood. Now, recognizing this tells me a lot. If I feel I struggle to find that, is that something I merely accept, and not with bitterness, but because it's simply what’s possible? Or is it something I should see as a journey, to look for until my heart and soul knows I’ve reached it, and then it can give in, relax, and be.? Will i be constantly disappointed with that mindset, with it being always unreachable? Can i rest easier with the sacrifice of understanding it is not possible? Should I blame others for not being able to truly understand me, or recognize that nobody ever will, and thats not their fault? If I have to simply accept it, I know there will be resistance. I crave ones comprehension of me with the depth i am familiar with from myself. I crave an unspoken understanding, that sometimes I don’t need to say a word in order for the other to have an idea of what I am feeling, thinking or experiencing. I am complicated, and I know that. I feel that part of me requires someone so sure of themselves, so sure of who i am, that it balances out the exhausting energy it takes to be simply, complicated by nature. I don't want my depth, my complicatedness to be a block from sharing a true, deep and unconditional love with someone else. I just want it to enable a love stronger than the world has seen.

To make it easier, Here are the things I want to be understood about me:

-Sometimes, I feel emotions so deeply, I feel the weight of it actually and physically, crush me inside, and crush whatever it is that even enables us to feel emotion. 

- I will never see my high and frequent emotions as a weakness. They are a result of who I am, and who she (my inner child) is. They carry me throughout life. They keep me grateful, they keep my soft, and they keep me connected to every part of myself.

-I analyze everything in my head so often, so deeply and so constantly, that it can burn me out and make me feel actually sick somewhere in between the physical and spiritual realm. 

-With that, I may have the biggest critic living in my head than any other being on earth. I am constantly reflecting on myself, what im doing, what I do wrong, what i need to be better at, and where I need to grow. It’s exhausting. 

-I am a total escapist. Not because I experience hardships i feel I need distraction from (I see myself extremely blessed with an easy going and beautiful life), but because I experience everything, good and bad, so deeply, sometimes I need an escape from my own inner thoughts, reflections, and voices. I love to turn to the stories in books and movies to distract me from my own internal realities. For that reason, I easily become obsessive and all consumed by fictional stories and worlds. 

-I love a lot of things, because I have a lot of love to share. I think the most beautiful thing I have yet experienced is the limitless amounts and types of love that exist, and how every love looks different, but one love will NEVER take away from another love.

-I live deeply in my own mind. I like to be alone. I often go quiet. To those who spend the most time around who i really truly am (aka my mom), i appear to be crabby, a lot. I am not just plainly crabby. I am just being with myself, and outside voices can aggravate me easily. 

-Animals mean as much to me as humans. I see them truly, as equals. I feel as disrespected when a human treats them as any less, as I would if a human was receiving the same disrespect. I, in a way, take the hit personally, for that animal. I am very fragile and very sensitive to the disrespect of animals. I will think tremendously less of a person at the point that they treat or speak of any animal with disrespect

-Things, and places, can mean as much to me as human connections. They have a spirit to them that I feel, and it does not make me childish. (ie blankey, the cabin).  

-i often feel underappreciated. I feel as if i dont deserve anyone going out of their way to do something nice for me. I worry if i expect it, i will not receive it, and i will always be disappointed. (why my birthday is so weird for me. I want to feel appreciated, but don’t want to expect it and be rightly disappointed when i do not receive it). 

-I am highly insecure in many ways, but will rarely even admit it to myself, because I have too much respect for myself to believe i am any less than I am. 

-I feel truly alive near water. It cleanses me and my soul. I can breathe deeper near it. The more energy the water hold the better; big ocean waves, waterfalls, running rivers…I have always been drawn to it, and know I will live with more peace if i promise myself I will live on or near it for the majority of my life. (what a paradox it is that i can barely swim)

-I naturally and immediately turn to the positive (even when its barely even there) part of any situation i am in. It makes bad times more tolerable, and life easier to live. Bad things are unavoidable. How you process things however, is up to you. 

-I like to be coddled. I like when others make decisions for me but with my best interest in mind. I recognize this is not always realistic. But it is always appreciated by me.

-I am very intellectual, but am too self conscious to communicate it out to others, so i would say its rare anyone recognizes it about me.

-I would say i am most intelligent in the meaning of life and the human experience. Textbook stuff and street smarts I am only alright at. 

-I want my most apparent beauty to be who I am, not what can be seen. I get easily defensive if I feel anyones intention with me falls short on my outer appearance. However, in todays society, it's hard to navigate and balance with also enjoying the way my looks can receive attention from others. I can one moment, cherish the appreciation of my appearance, and the next be pissed off by it. 

-I have a lot of artistic expression within me, but have struggled to find an outlet for it. I love music, art, stories, poetry, and always feel restricted because i feel I cant successfully create my own.

- I respect and see aging as the most beautiful thing, while simultaneously and paradoxically never have been more truly and debilitatingly fearful of anything more 

-Two of my biggest pet peeves are laziness and lack of depth 

-I love being surprised , in ways big and especially small

-before I die, i want to see the northern lights, step foot on every continent, do something meaningful to help animals, write a book (or multiple), visit the titanic museum (and forks, Washington to live my twilight fantasy), and own one of many different kinds of animals (horse, chickens, donkey, reptiles….) and let them be my teachers and see what I can learn from them.

-Valuing health is a second nature to me, its not difficult, it is automatic.

-I believe the issue of our world is most people being incapable of viewing things from different perspectives, and i see a strength of mine is being able to understand, without judgements, all different kinds of people and situations. 

-I believe empathy is the most important quality a person can have.

-I absolutely, love life and everything that comes with it, more than I could ever express. 

-My issue if I feel nobody will every truly care about any of this.

[loveandpain312]

May 22, 2023

I first wanna talk about the cabin, and kind of the weird emotions I felt afterwards. So, obviously this friend group has been kind of a weird side group in my life. During 2020 and 2022, it really fit who I was at the time. I was young, in college, newly single again, and seeking to be free when apart from the restraints of my job. I liked being in Duluth, experiencing the type of college life I never got to have for myself. When I met Jimmy, I was able to fall into who part of me is- free, flirty and eating up boys attention. We had a weird, unspoken connection when we met. Drunk, not much talking, but safe in each others presence. It’s weird to think back to that day. Obviously after, he was a weird mystery to me, and when we broke out of the awkward “are we a thing phase” and I allowed my uncaring, true self to show to him, our connection snapped into place. We got along well, we had a fun chemistry, I loved to flirt with him, be touchy with him, kiss him whenever we were together. But that was it. It didn’t go deeper...and I liked that. To be adored yet free at the same time. We were good friends too. And I loved the way I know he desired me. However, not before too long, Ryan came back into the picture, so my complicated more than friendship with Jimmy had to come to an end. And I was fine with it. However, I am lying to myself if I say it doesn’t hurt a little bit to see Jimmy and not have that relationship anymore. And now, this weird, complicated thing is definitely going on in between him and Sydney-there are obvious feelings there, everyone sees it, and the closer her and nick come to an end, the stronger the potential between her and jimmy grows. I know sydney feels awkward talking about it with me, and I wish I could say with complete genuine that I do not care one bit. Because that’s how I act about jimmy in general- but now I can admit, that I DID have feelings for Jimmy, but I knew he wasn’t meant for me, we’d never have a real relationship. But I recognize that the feelings I had for him, make it a little hard to see him and Sydney have a potential connection. And I think that’s okay, but I would never want to admit it to Sydney, I don’t want anything to be weird and if her and Jimmy would be happy together, I genuinely do want that for them even if it’s a little hard for me at first. I think it made me sad, to really really see that Jimmy and I’s relationship is completely dead, in the past. It’s hard for me to deal with that stuff. When I love people, even slightly, when I have a connection, leaving them behind hurts. I hold people so dearly in my heart, that when I have to completely cut ties to the connection we once had, its hard for me. And I can say, I miss Jimmy. I miss that friendship. I miss the girl I was able to be during that time, completely free. But I have to be able to make peace with the fact that it never would have been anything in between us. I am in love with Ryan. He is the only one I want, I want a future with him, I want everything that is him. He is my true one and only. And I wish I didn’t feel guilty as if my love for others in my past still taints me...and I feel that can’t be. I know it will be good and worth it when he comes home again, and then shortly we can be together. I am proud of myself for keeping my distance this weekend from Jimmy and not letting the emotions of missing the connection we once had to come out. But I can say, I miss that friendship. I see now, that I have not only outgrown that friendship, I have outgrown who I was at that time. And that’s okay, but it’s also okay that it hurts a little. I am a person that mourns all the different phases in my life. And while I am entering a new one, closing old doors, ending old chapters hurts. I never want to forget about the things I once loved and cared about. So I always carry it in my heart. I felt all these emotions and more the following day, feeling this realization. I am growing up, things are changing, and I hope I find myself, truly, in this next chapter. I hope Ryan can enable me to be truly free in this new chapter. 

Yesterday, I planted the garden at the house. This could be my last summer at home like this, so I am grateful that I put into motion planting a garden. I know it will give me more reason to go to the house, and that I am excited for. I want to spend more time there, to be with dad and just really soak up the feelings of the house. How connected I feel to my inner child and all. 

Today i went to Tartan to present about my experience in Costa Rica. It felt weird to be back, mainly felt neutral/relief to not be teaching there anymore. But it was good to use spanish in a classroom setting. 

The other thing on my mind right now-is that I feel I need to have a closure discussion with Ty. he keeps popping up, and I think he, more so than even I, deserves the closure. I want to tell him that I am sorry for how things went, and I value our connection immensely, but I suffer from so much guilt I didn’t know if I’d be able to get through it. And its not him I regret, its the timing, its the way it was an act of disloyalty against the one I love. And I am sorry, but I love Ryan, and to me he is worth putting all my effort and love into.And he has to let me go and in peace and for that I am sorry. I don’t know if it will make me feel better, or more guilty. But I have a sense that it will help to close the book on it all, and I can truly, truly move on in peace. I am not sure yet if I will do it, or not.

[loveandpain312]

May 20, 2023

Sydney & Veda both did reflection exercises with their diaries- And here I am- no constant diary because I can never commit. I am done with that!!!!!! I will write every week. I PROMISE!!!!

What’s new? I am home-enjoying spring in Minnesota. I love spring. I always have, always will. It is part of who I am. It’s deeply ingrained in my roots. Spring is about new life, new beginnings. I feel being away, has opened me up to truly appreciate where I am from, my home. I am working a lot at Acapulco. It will most likely be my last chunk of time working there-unless I end up back around here teaching and work there in the summer to keep me busy. I am working a lot towards figuring out my life in England with Ryan. I am excited. Let’s talk about Ryan. I am happy. I am so content with our relationship. I truly feel as if he is my life partner. We work so well together, and we’ve found this equilibrium. I am so so so so so excited to be able to actually live life with him and sink into that equilibrium. We have worked so hard at this relationship, I hope that all that hard work paid off, we’ve done the hard part and now we can simply enjoy our relationship. Now I know there are things about him that are going to drive me crazy. He’s impatient, he’s too logical (lacks emotional intelligence), he’s too distracted. But he’s a human, and all humans are tainted in some way. He has ADHD- it effects him, it’s why he has those problems. But these things make him who he is, so I love those things too. They also mean he is loyal, caring, intelligent and real. I have faith he will grow into an amazing man, who can control his darker sides, grow out of them, and trust me, feel safe enough with me to hold his hand through it. And honestly, his weaknesses are my strengths. I am super patient. I am super emotional. I am super focused. I believe it may make us balance each other out perfectly. I am so excited to live with him- I am so excited to finally commit to him and make sure he feels so loved every single day. 

The only thing that has potential to threaten us, right now, is our future desires. I told him I would be okay moving to Japan for 3 years, if when we move back we settle down around here. That’s something I’ve become confident in-knowing I want and need to settle down around here-raise my babies with my family surrounding us and them. And if Ryan decides, he absolutely does not, then I don’t think I can go with him. But I am good at living in the present. And I think that’s okay. It will work out exactly as it’s supposed to. I trust that. I choose to be happy in this moment with him. He is my true love. It’s honestly hard for me to say that, because it means so much when it’s real. I think back to when I met him- how my love for him has always been pure and never faltered. He comes home in 22 days, and we are going to Colorado for Brook and Mikaylas wedding :) I am sooo excited. 

Me and mom just watched The queen charolette story of Bridgerton and it was so good I loved it. It is such a raw, beautiful, heartbreaking love story. It really teaches you that loving someone IS a choice- and it’s the most beautiful thing you can do. Humans are all flawed. We are all flawed. And choosing someone to love, to understand, to stand by, despite their flaws, is the most beautiful part of our complicated humanity. 

Today I am going to sydneys cabin for her birthday. I need to stop writing soon so I can go get ready. I think that is good enough of an update for right now. I promise I will be back in a week. 

[loveandpain312]

bitter

I am here to open myself, completely vulnerable, to let it spill out, even though its the hardest thing for me to ever put into words. I like to keep it in my head, because then feel as if its not real. But when I keep it in my head, it stays there, stagnant and nagging. i need to let it out, I need to let it free, so i can change. So I can rid of it forever, and never look back.

I’ve made mistakes. I know that. There is nothing I hate, absolutely despise, about myself more than this. And I want to look it in the face, give it a big “fuck you”, “this is not me. You are not me.” and never let it control me again. 

I hate myself for the mistakes I’ve made, that are disloyal to Ryan. It started with Jimmy, but then I didn’t have to feel guilty...we didn’t have an official label, we were so new. I loved the attention Jimmy gave me. I felt fun and comfortable with him. I loved it too much I let myself fall into it, even though Ryan is the one I love.

Then, it happened with Ty. I felt myself sinking, away from Ryan. We were going through problems. I was weak. I was alone. I didn’t have a friend in Winona. I didn’t have Ryan by my side, to give me the comfort I needed in our failing relationship. I loved the way Ty talked to me, saw me, respected me. I liked the feeling of something fresh and new. Someone having a crush on me, and trying hard to win me over. I liked feeling so special, again. I liked the feeling of a close friendship. I let him in, too close, because not only did he give me what I was craving from Ryan, but he helped to fill the void of Aubrey not being there, either. I was sick to my stomach after I realized how close I let him get. How wrong it was. I never have regretted anything more in my life. I never felt such a raw hatred in my life for anyone, and it was for me. 

I have healed a bit since then. I promised myself, that I would let it teach me a huge lesson, that I would leave it in the past and never do Ryan wrong ever again. To be the best girlfriend ever to him- Loyal, loving, safe and never give up on him. And I was doing really good.

Then on Friday I got way too drunk. And he kissed me at the bar and I realized and pulled away. But he asked again and I did it. I loved the attention. I love when men want me. But when I did it, i was like what are you doing? Neither do you want this or is it okay.

And it all comes down to this. I have a dark side to me, a bad side, that’s too wild and free, and is selfish and doesn’t care about anything other than getting that attention I crave in the moment. It comes out when Im drinking. or lets say basically blacked out.

Now I want to say this, because this is what I would say to a friend. And I do want to treat myself as a friend, too.

It’s not okay, but I understand. It’s a long distance relationship. The love of my life, is on the other side of the world, and I don’t see him at 6 months at a time. I am young, and boys like me. They approach me, they hit on me. Normally I am good, I reject them, I am loyal. But when I am drinking, I slip. I lose site of my love because he is so far. I feel as if Erick took advantage of me being so drunk, I never, in a million fucking years would have kissed him even slightly drunk. I love Ryan, but I am not perfect, and sometimes the attention I like from others blinds me a little bit. And I know, that ryan is not perfect either. and thats what complicated. I almost wished he had done something too, made a mistake. So that I don’t feel as guilty. But of course, i would be broken if he did. I have no way to know, but I know he is in the same relationship. I think he likes attention too. I am sure he is not perfect either. and that takes a little bit of the weight of it.

So heres what I want to do about it. I want to kill that side of me. I never want to feel this way again. I promise to never ever do it again. Because I love ryan. I will never lose him. I will dedicate my life to be the best I can for him. Because that’s what love is. I lose my inner peace when I do this. He doesnt deserve it. I don’t deserve it. So I must change it. I must let it go, and never let it return. I need to kill that side of me that craves male attention. I don’t need it, why can’t i fully feel that? I need to focus on me, and him. When I am at my best, I am good. I cant let myself fall. Its not okay. I can’t drink without him anymore, or a good friend I can trust with me. That is something I can do. 

I ask the universe to understand this. To forgive me, to help me forgive myself. To change these parts of myself. I don’t seek male validation. I don’t crave male attention. I don’t drink. 

I declare, that today moving forward, I am different. I am better. I am learning. I am growing. And by the time me and ryan are together in september, the part of myself that ever made mistakes, is completely gone. She has grown into the best version of herself, to be the best person for him. To make him happy, healthy, safe, and unconditionally loved. Loyal, trustworthy, and resilient. For him. That’s who I am today, and every day after. 

[loveandpain312]

a thank you, to all the boys that have loved me

dear jimmy, thank you for watching me as I danced, and laughed, and cried, cheeks warm with the flush of alcohol in my veins. For seeing the part of me that held my friends close, kissing their cheeks, filled with the easy part of life. Singing dancing queen as if I was only me and that song in the room. Thank you for loving the free side of me. For looking at me like I was a full moon after a year of cloudy and starless skies. 

[loveandpain312]

do you know me?

Do you see the deepest parts of me? The parts of me that even I struggle to love?

Do you know the disappointment I feel when I look at who I am? 

How I feel so much, think so much

but always fall short to make anything meaningful from it?

That trying to know myself is a battle that never rests?

That i just want to feel understood, I want to feel understood without fighting.

Do you know that I have a space within myself, that I go to, when I know I am utterly alone? 

I self soothe. I go deep inside, to feel safe. To feel loved. To feel understood. 

Sometimes I go so deep into that place, that I don’t want to come out. I don’t come out. I stay safe in the shelter.

But then sometimes, I am coaxed out by a flame. And when I come out, I feel so free, so alive, that I run towards the fire, until I burn myself?

Do you know that I am two opposites that don’t attract?

I am a bird that cannot be caged, so I cage myself, to avoid others from trying.

Do you know that I love things so deeply that it consumes me? But every kind of love is different? And not one of them takes from another?

Did you know that you’re the only person I’ve ever fallen in love with?

That I have loved so many, in different ways, but you are the only one that one would call true love?

Do you know that I cage myself, for you?

I keep my opinions down, avoid friction. I keep my ideas to myself, avoid indifference. I keep my excitement quiet, avoid disappointment.

I keep my feelings inside. Turn to that place within me as tears fall down my cheeks after a night of feeling unseen.

When I feel things, good things, when I am brimmed with emotion, I don’t let it show? I know you see my emotions as a weakness. 

Do you know that I met a pair of parakeets in a sanctuary in Costa Rica. They loved each other. But the female bird started picking off her beautiful feathers. She was anxious, and her solution was to take her beauty away from her, one feather at a time. Her partner, thought that she did it out of desire. So he started to pick off her feathers, too. The workers knew it was wrong for them to do this, and it was not healthy for her. But they know that if they separated the two, the separation would kill them of broken hearts.

How odd was this couple of parakeets. He loved her, but helped her to destroy her beauty. She loved him, so she let him help.

But they would be lost without one another.

Do you know that I feel like we are them?

That I minimize myself for you, because I love you. 

That I allow you to minimize me too.

That I know that love is hard. Love is sacrifice. And its worth it. But did you know the pain I feel, when Im pounding at the surface of my own skin, begging, screaming, crying, to be seen? to be free? and to be loved for it? to be accepted? to be welcomed, not shoved away as as too much? 

Only to shove myself down. So that a smile on my face can return at the simplicity of loving you?

Its okay. I gave her fingers to type this. To release some of her pain.

But its okay.

I have surrendered who I am for us. Because I can love you, and tend her at the same time.

[loveandpain312]

insecurities

i feel i never receive the love I want to give. i feel i am annoying. I look fake. I look like an attention seeker. i dont make sense. I am chaotic. i never know who I am. People don’t care about me. Im not worth anyones energy. I isolate myself. When I let my fire out its too bright. I love too many people. I have no self control. I am selfish. How can i be all these things at once? I am a paradox. And i love it but its what I hate the most about myself. 

I just want someone to love me. Deeply see me. Love me. Accept me. Who am i? i want someone to understand. I want to go back into myself. Why do I act dumber than i am? why cant I just be me? But when I am i am insecure. Is my personality too much? 

[loveandpain312]

Diarios de español

sHa pasado un mes desde he llegado aqui en costa rica- y he aprendido muchísimo, sobre yo mismo, la identidad, la cultura. Ha sido dias buenos y dias malos, sentimientos lleno y vació. Claro y oscuro, dia y noche, el equilibrio es profundo aqui, en esta experiencia. Hasta ahora- no he visto el belleza en el equilibró de bueno y malo con tanto claridad. Mas que querio hablar sobre mis experiencias físicos, que tiene mas valor es mis experiencias espirituales y mentalmente. Las lecciones que he aprendido hasta ahora. Primero, voy a a hablar sobre la identidad. He aprendido muchisimo sobre la tema de identitad cuando una persona esta viviendo con su idioma segunda- pero ahora, lo estoy viviendo. lo estoy experimentado. Es difícil, pero es hermoso. A veces, me siento atascado- no tengo todos los palabras necesito para comunicarme totalmente, no puedo ser autentico, no puedo entender todo...no se como contectar con ellos en una manera cumpliendo. A veces tengo verguenza. me siento tanto. A veces me siento sola. Aqui, soy diferente. no pertenezco a sus ojos. Cuando abierto mi boca, instastemente soy una extranjera. Es un sentimento vacio. Quiero pertenecer. he entrado en el puente hacia otro mundo- un mundo que no puedo alcanzar sin este puente. Este puente tiene grietas, huecos y partes inestables.  Los son el oscuro. Pero, esta es la luz: la vista desde el puento. el sentimiento de exito con cada paso adelante. Los abrazos que sostenme, abrazos de cada direccion del puente. estoy aprendido. Estoy mejorando. En la parte de mi mente mas profundo. Esto es que he aprendido es la mas importante cosa- no es posible ser perfecto en alguna lengua. No es necesario. Comunicarse, es lo que es importante. Conexion humano. Si podemos comunicarnos. Es todo lo que importa. He aprendido como aceptar los oscuros. Como disfrutar, aunque hay cosas malas. Es parte de todo, que es importante es solamente ser. Vivir. Disfrustar. Aceptar. Nadie es perfecto. no se presione. ríndete al universo. no fuerces nada. Deja que lo que es para ti te encuentre. Hazlo lo mejor que puedas cada día, pero no te culpes por lo que te falta. ya tienes todo lo que necesitas. Anímate a aprender. anímate a cometer errores. así es como crecemos. reflexiona. deja ir lo que no te llena. Elígete a ti mismo. Ten los brazos abiertos. Ama a los que te rodean. 

[loveandpain312]

why i need to say goodbye

I need to stop talking to you because having traces of you still in my life just enables me to never stop wondering what the fuck happened between us and how things got so strong to die just as quickly. I will not stop trying to understand what happened until I let go completely. At this point, the longer I hold on to trying to understand the more I resent you and everything that happened between us and I don’t want that. So i need to just let go completely of everything that happened so I can move on in peace. 

[loveandpain312]

closure

Dear Jake,

I feel as if there’s so much for me to say, but also nothing at all. I know that in this moment, closure is what I need but the closure I crave may not be possible. I am writing this for you now so that I can let you go peacefully, even though you will never read this. 

You hurt me. I can recognize that hurt is something my sensitivity cannot handle, so where I try to let the emotions pass it’s slightly impossible for me to not repress them, I want to be okay so I tell myself that I am. I was doing so good without you. I came to acceptance, but last night some of the emotions demanded to be felt, so here I am, writing you a goodbye letter that you will never read, so that I can let my heart rest by letting you go completely. 

From the moment we started talking, I knew you would be someone special to me. You came into my life and lit a match inside of me within the first 10 minutes of talking to me. The first time I head your voice, fuel lit up the fire, and the first time you kissed me, it exploded through my heart and all of my veins. I felt as if I knew you the second I saw a glimpse of your mind. The only thing that made sense to me, was that you were my soulmate. You spoke to me and I felt as if I knew your soul for years and years. I felt as if I knew your mind, your thoughts, your feelings...but in a way i cannot portray in words nor my own thoughts and feelings. But since I felt as if I understood you so deeply...I understood you also had a darkness inside of you. You never realized that I knew, right away. I didn’t know where it came from or how it manifested itself. Slowly, I learned. Rather than wishing to turn away, I wanted to get closer. After the first incident where you got inside the darkness of your own mind, I thought you realized it would be okay and I would be here. 

I felt so secure with you. I felt as if your love for me was real. It was fast, but it felt so real. The night I came over to have dinner with your family, I felt stronger emotions for someone I have ever felt. Being close to you wasn’t enough. I needed to be closer, it wasn’t possible for me to be close enough to you for me to be satisfied. You told me that you loved me that night. I don’t want to feel like a fool for believing you. I want to believe you meant it. A part of me still does, but thats the part of me that hopes that this wasn’t all an unintentional lie. I gave a lot of myself to you. I gave you my entire heart, I gave you my trust, I gave you my energy, I gave you my body. I loved you so fully. Your mind was so beautiful to me. I gave too much of myself to you in hopes that it would help fill you. I knew I couldn't fix you. I couldn't patch the holes inside of your heart. But i wanted to inspire you to know, that you are worth being so loved. I wanted to prove it to you so bad. You rejected that, and when you rejected the energy I wanted to give you, you rejected me too. 

There are moment that will haunt me. that i push away until I feel them again and am remind me of the pain and confusion you have caused me. Quite honestly, every moment we’ve spent together now feels like such a lie i feel nothing but confusion and betrayal as I think of how real and beautiful they felt in the moment. There are a couple that stand out to me the most. Our car ride to Duluth and back. Our time in Duluth. My time at your house, with your family. The things you've said to me. The excitement you had. None of it makes sense. The way you acted with me. The way that you touched me. That is the one that stings the most. Your touch. How did I not feel that it was not what it seemed? The second that you caved again, my body knew this time. My energy picked up on it. I had lost you. So quickly...and I don’t understand and know that I never will. How did you lose it all so quickly? How was it that easy for you to let me go? I will never understand. Your mind doesn’t make sense. You loved me, you left me, and then a week later you claimed you still loved me just to leave me again. At this point, the longer I hold on to trying to understand the more I resent you and I don’t want that. But it is for that reason that i need to let go. I need to forget. My heart needs to heal. My heart needs room for my love that will give me what I need to feel loved. Because it will come. I thought it was you. I have to find acceptance that it is not you and sometimes things will never make sense. Why did you come into my life? Why did I feel a connection and a knowing with you I’d never experienced before? What does it mean? Why did it end so quickly? I need to be okay with the possibility I will never know. I hope that it will make sense someday. I pray for you. I want nothing but for you to be okay. But I need to let go. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to show that you are worthy of someone sticking around. But you wont accept it, and there is nothing I can do about that. I can’t go on pretending that i don’t hope that someday, our souls will meet again when they are more ready for each other. Maybe they are meant for each other, but they aren’t ready yet. So maybe, I will meet you again. But for now, I know whats right is to forget. To move on. To accept. 

I wish I could say these things to you. But I know, sometimes there are things better left unsaid. Maybe I don’t want to know that the truth is you just didn’t care about me. That pain stings, bad. Saying my goodbyes to you without knowing the truth may be whats best for me. I will move on in peace and ignorance until I find happiness again, but with someone who knows their love for me is true.

I pray for you Jake. I hope that you will figure it out and be okay. I forgive you. But please don’t bring me any more pain. I will always be here for you, but I need to go. I’m letting myself go from your grasp on me.